Bpd

[Devrium]

Hi guys...

It's been a while. I have missed you guys (although I doubt anyone will really remember me) and I guess I feel a little guilty for just hiding in my SA cave for the last... however many months it's been... But I must admit it feels like coming home almost.. coming back here. Well... in the way that it's comfortable...

Anyway, I don't exactly know if this is the right forum to post this on but I figured it was close enough because it's semi related.

Mostly... I was wondering if anyone else here has Borderline Personality Disorder... and if you do how are you coping with that? Because right now it just feels impossible and I don't know what I am doing and I don't know anyone else that has it... not even in my DBT class.. I am the only one that actually has BPD and.... well if anyone else has it can we maybe talk about it a bit? Because I feel all alone right now and... tbh I'm not having a very good time coping.... not to mention the auditory hallucinations and dysphoria and all that good stuff have gotten way worse now too.

I just need someone to talk to... if anyone is willing ._.

And thanks in advance...

 

[Feathers]

Hi Devrium!

I don't know if I or my parents have BPD, I have sometimes wondered about it...
I call myself 'bipolar-ish', with mood swings etc. (some nutrition/exercise related) sometimes anger etc too.. (but maybe it's normal..)
Some moods can be tweaked with going for a walk/exercise or eating different.. Some can be helped with CBT or ACT or journalling or such..

I've never had auditory hallucinations, what's that like? Like hearing music or voices... and can you talk to them? (Some approaches say to try a constructive dialogue?)

Can you describe your BPD and what you might need help with?
It seems that a lot of things can be a problem, so if you get more specific we might be able to help more?

What's a DBT class? Like CBT class?

Have you checked if you might have hypoglycemia or celiac or such?

 

[Devrium]

Hi Feathers and thanks for your reply too...

BPD is kind of similar to bipolar disorder but it's got a lot of differences too. Both are mood disorders so people with borderline and bipolar both have issues with emotional regulation and stuff but unlike with manic-depressive people, borderline people's mood swings don't usually last as long and are more abrupt.

ummm about the auditory hallucinations... These aren't technically part of having BPD... and no, I don't have schizophrenia... but it's not uncommon to have hallucinations or other psychotic symptoms along with certain mood disorders. My psychiatrist told me once that it was because of the chronic dysphoria (a type of depression basically) that went along with the Borderline.

Anyway.. I hear like actual voices like the person is standing in the room next to me. It's the same as if any real person was talking to you and it's usually just as clear. Sometimes they are more muffled and just sort of like noise in my head... that's the worst. And sometimes I hear other things like I will think the radio is on when it isn't or I will think I heard a dog barking or something. But I don't have the type where like the TV talks to me and stuff. Like David Letterman doesn't tell me to go out and stab people and stuff like that. But The other voices will tell me things.. usually degrading things that do wonders at ripping apart my self esteem etc.

Some of the voices, the main ones, have names and really defined personalities and stuff. Like Rylee... who is now mad at me for talking about him... Not all of them do tho. And I can talk to them... although they don't always respond. If I am upset or extra stressed or something they get worse. And they often distract me while I am in class or trying to talk to other people so it looks like I'm not paying attention... and I often will lose my temper and yell at them to stop which makes me look even more insane... Sometimes they go away but they are never completely silent. It makes it really hard to fall asleep sometimes... Especially if they decide to keep me awake on purpose. I found that music and stuff really helps to quiet them down. But that doesn't always work. Anyway I guess I am kind of used to it... it takes a lot of self control to not always be screaming at them to shut up but I try...

Also, DBT is a type of CBT. It's dialectical behavioral therapy and it was created just for the purpose of treating borderline personality disorder. It focuses on mindfulness, emotional regulation, and distress tolerance. It's a good class but with my SA it makes it even harder on me... sometimes I think the therapy is more damaging than helpful tbh. But basically it's called DBT because BPD people have a tendency to view the world in black and white and since being dialectal means arriving at the truth by means of logical arguments... it helps us bring together our emotional mind and our logical mind to find our wise mind (or our middle ground... the gray areas so we aren't always looking at the world in black and white). If that makes sense...

And no I am sure I don't have hypoglycemia or celiac (although my cat and my aunt do) or anything like that... I think I am just slightly psychotic... or something.

Anyway to explain a little more about BPD... I just... I don't understand people. I don't know how to have a relationship with anyone... I don't know how to be a friend... I am paranoid that either everyone is going to leave me or that people are trying to be friends with me so they can trick me or hurt me. This makes me not trust people and the people that do become my friends don't stick with me long because they don't know how to handle me or my real or imagined abandonment issues... not to mention the voices don't help any with proving my sanity. I'm not a stupid person... but people treat me like I should be in special ed or something... I just want to find someone... anyone that understands what it's like to have borderline. I try to explain it to people but they never fully get it and... I guess I am just tired of being all alone. I have no friends irl... my only friend was my psychiatrist and he just dumped me because of budget cuts so now I feel completely alone and... really I don't know what to do. I don't even know where to start... I guess that's why I came crawling back here because I remember in the past this site was really helpful and comforting... but I even got paranoid and scared then. Ummm anyway I have other issues with BPD too but I guess those are the ones that are bothering me the most right now. I guess instead of rambling on and on.... I will just link you to a site. This explains the symptoms of BPD and talks a bit about it... I meet all 9 criteria and then some in the DSM...

Borderline Personality Disorder DSM IV Diagnosis

And thanks again for listening and stuff

 

[Feathers]

Hey hun ((hugs))

Thanks for the link - very interesting info!
I can relate to some of the symptoms, not to all..

I think you can have friends even if they don't go through everything you are going through.. you just need people who are understanding and tolerant.. and maybe a bit colorful as well..?

I actually read a bit about DBT in the past, and wondered if it could be helpful.. For me, CBT was very helpful in the past - I read about it in The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns. Have you read it? I highly recommend it.. Some people said books were easier and better to get info from than their therapists...

I can relate to people thinking you're retarded too, lol.. You actually seem very intelligent.. I was pretty much always top of the class, labelled gifted, and some of my new classmates thought I was 'special' in 5th grade or so, lol.. People can have wrong impressions.. It can be funny that way..

Did you get tested for celiac? (I'm afraid to : Which tests did you have? It can run in families, so it's good to get tested probably.. How did you find out your cat has it?

Too sleepy to comment much more, it's late here.. Do take care and know even if you're different you can still learn how to have friends and such.. There's a lot you can learn about people and communication.. I learnt a lot from books and films.. and some roommates/flatmates, and workshops..

Even if people don't fully understand you, they can still admire you or like you.. Did you get another psychiatrist, or can you? If there was a budget cut it may have had nothing to do with you.. actually maybe you got better enough that you didn't need so much 1:1 time?
(I really hated it when my dentist went for-pay only though too, so I can relate a bit..)

I can get a bit paranoid too, about the eco projects etc, though I was actually warned about some things, it feels really silly if something turns out to not be true at all though.. It's general wisdom that it's good to be careful sometimes - it's the nature of internet and life that it's better to be cautious and careful who you trust and take time to get to know people etc.
It depends on your environment too.. some places have nicer people than others.. (online and RL) Also, if you meet them trough other trustworthy people, it can be better.. Or in places like volunteering/non-profits or interesting courses.. Have you tried anything like that?

Think of yourself as 'interesting' and 'unique' if you can - do you know how many actors and stand-up comedians or playwrights would be totally happy for what you have!! Say hi to Rylee...

It's good that music helps and such.. And sorry if I seem goofy, just wanted to make you smile.. Wishing you a good night and a good day tomorrow!!

 

[Asherah]

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder about 9 years ago.

I didnt have voices or halucinations, i was however abit paranoid, i always thought the police was after me for some reason, when id seen a policecar i was convinced they were going to get me. Also i would think that "friends" only wanted to be friends because they wanted to use me for something, i didnt trust anyone.

I was and still am vulnerable for being addicted to drugs, medicine, comptergames or whatever. Did several suicide attempts and harmed myself.

My moodswings were horrible, i could switch from mood like 20 times an hour, really annoying. The smallest things could make me go mental (really angry with yelling and throwing things against the wall) or sad. My family had to walk on eggshells. And sometimes i could be angry for days about something someone said, what wasnt even meant that way (usually the person didnt even know about what he said as i just blew it out of proportion, interpreted it the wrong way or read between the lines). I was a horrible person to be around with.

In the clinic where i stayed for almost 2 years i had psychodynamic grouptherapy. It was with 7 other people with BPD and all about the same age. Most of them had a big mouth, always shouting and always managed to get into fights. Two of us were more introvert, damaged mostly ourselfs and isolated ourselfs, didnt want to be around people.

For BPD the therapy helped alot, not for my anxieties though . I dont get angry like that anymore and i dont have the absurd moodswings anymore. My angry episodes became shorter and shorter and werent that outrageous anymore. I didnt have one for years now.

Next monday im starting therapy again in some clinic, but now its for my anxieties, hope this treatment will work out like this. Somehow i doubt is as i had the anxieties back then and i couldnt fix it. I have to stay postive though, its another kind of treatment, who knows maybe itll help

 

[Devrium]

@Feathers

I know I can have other friends that don't have BPD... I guess in a way I would prefer if they didn't just because I never really saw the point of surrounding yourself with other people that are completely messed up when you could be surrounding yourself with well adjusted, well balanced people and hopefully pick some of it up from them. On the other hand, sometimes messed up people are better because they understand what you are going through... either way I don't think anyone would want to be my friend regardless of if they were messed up or well adjusted, and that fact doesn't exactly bother me. I guess mostly right now I am just looking for people that understand me so I don't feel so alone... even if it doesn't lead to friendship. I just have been feeling majorly suicidal lately and I don't want to end up in the psych ward for that again. I just spent the better half of 4 months institutionalized and I really don't want to go back. Anyway, Friendship is a scary, scary thing.. any relationship is really... because in the end it just leads to being hurt when they finally decide to leave you. Well, that's how I have always felt about it anyway.

DBT I think is helpful for a lot of people that don't have BPD. For example, in my DBT class I am the only BPD person. The others have just random mental health issues... depression and bipolar etc. But they still find it helpful. It is a lot like CBT because it focuses on mindfulness but it also targets the issues that BPD people face more specifically (like interpersonal relationship skills and crisis coping etc). And actually I have heard of that book that you mentioned, but I haven't read it. I think I saw it on my psychiatrists bookshelf once. I might just have to go check that out.

Thank you for that compliment and yea about the retarded thing... I'm not stupid and I don't even have learning disabilities... I'm just... erm... crazy? mentally unhinged? Maybe a bit... or a lot... emotionally unstable... But despite all that, I am a college graduate~ with honors (I have a B.S. in Applied Developmental Psychology- because you know, most people that major in psych are crazy lol... and I am a certified pharmacy technician- trying to get into grad school for pharmacology) but definitely not retarded. Just all through school people thought I was... maybe because of the voices I don't know. They started when I was 15 (the voices). Maybe it was because I am just really introverted and never talked much... but it's really just... disheartening? I guess? To be so looked down upon just because people don't understand me. Being crazy =/= developmental disability *sigh*

I actually did get tested for celiac disease when my aunt was diagnosed with it because she basically insisted that me, my 2 brothers, and my 2 cousins (her daughters) get the test done. I wasn't showing any symptoms of a gluten intolerance or anything. They did some antibody blood test and mentioned something about a biopsy of my intestines but I never actually got the biopsy done. Turns out none of us had it, which is a relief but I think naturally I don't eat many foods high in gluten anyway. We found out the cat had it because he started throwing up all the food that we tried to feed him. He was wasting away basically and constantly in distress so we took him in and they did some tests and said he had a gluten allergy so we just switched his food and he was totally fine after that. I didn't even know cats could get it.

I did get another psychiatrist... I met with him on Tuesday but ended up having hysterics and stuff in his office... I don't think I want to see him again. I didn't like him much at all. I want my old one back =/ But for now I will just have to make do I guess. I live in a small community so there aren't very many options unfortunately. And no I definitely am not better. If anything I think I have gotten worse so I need all the 1 to 1 time I can get but... I also know it wasn't me. He ended up having to let go of all his clients and now he is just doing intakes. So it's really a shame because I have been through like 45 doctors and he's the best one I have ever had.

Er and no I haven't tried volunteering or anything.. it's a long story but in a nut shell after I graduated college a lot of bad stuff happened when I tried to work and I ended up back at home... I never even really got a real shot at my job and well.... 8 suicide attempts and a lot of hospital/psych ward stays later... and here I am. I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to brave the world. Although I know it would probably be good for me. Sometimes I wonder if I even have a shot at making it in this world, what with all my issues. You think crazy people can live relatively normal lives too? =/ It's pretty amazing I was able to make it through school. Then again, I was always naturally good at academics. It's about the only thing I can do right. So in a way school is my comfort zone which is probably why I fared so well there.

And lol at your actor and stand up comedian comment. I suppose there is some truth to that. Although most days I can't stand them... it's just always so loud. I feel like I never can have a moment of peace and quiet and it drives me.... insane. I shall say hi to Rylee although you're the first person that's ever said that to me lol. Is it weird to talk to someone elses voices? That just can't be normal xD But then again, neither is having voices in the first place so yea...

Also, sorry that was so long. I have always been quite long winded. I like to type I guess. And, thanks again!

 

[Devrium]

@Asherah

Thanks for your reply too! Yay I'm not completely alone at least. Sometimes I feel like I must be the only BPD person in the world even tho I guess technically we account for 10% of the (world's?) population.

I can definitely relate to the being paranoid of people thing. Although I was never paranoid of cops or anything coming after me.

And yea the self harm things. I love to self sabotage so I can definitely relate to you there. Although I never did it with drugs or risky sex or anything like the DSM describes. I'm more of the... suicide attempt, self harm and on my better days compulsive spender. Online shopping and credit cards are my weakness I swear.

And yea I am the introverted type too. The loud people in my class just scare me and aggravate me. The voices in my head are loud enough without having loud people around.. it makes me really sensitive to noise and stuff. I get really angry at home if my brothers are yelling or if the TV gets too loud or something because the noise basically can cripple me. And the more stressed I get the louder the voices get til I'm literally trying to throw myself out a window or something... But yea the mood swings are hard to deal with. I read somewhere once in an article about how to deal with BPD people that as the family member or friend of someone with Borderline they have to have more patience than they ever thought was possible just to deal on a daily basis. I think everyone around me has gotten rather talented at walking on eggshells... it makes me feel guilty kind of but when I get like that... I just can't stop it.

I'm glad to hear that the therapy helped you. I hope mine can help me too but I don't know... they just dropped my insurance again (their fault not mine) so I can't go back to group until I get reinstated anyway. I really hate my class. I tried to tell them I wasn't ready but they aren't giving me a choice and it's just making me resent going even more. But maybe it will get better...

And good luck in your new therapy for your anxiety. I hope that goes really well for you!

 

[Feathers]

Hey Devrium, sorry for not posting again... Sorta lost track of this thread.. I can get a bit ADD this way, with all the threads everywhere..
I read it and meant to reply later when I had a bit more time, and then lost track of it...!! Sorry!!

Hope you are well, too sleepy to comment 'for real' now... Just wanted to find this thread again and 'bookmark' it (so I can find it again easier! )

You sound like one of the more fascinating people on here...
Sorry to hear you had to go through all that, hope things will get better...

And not sure if I mentioned hyperacusis or misophonia before? I have'em, google them up.. Seems like maybe you might have one or both too?
Can make life very difficult, yup.. There's a very good support forum... mine can get better or worse depending on what I eat, stress/anxiety, weather and some other things..

What kind of class do you go to? I hated some classes too, yup, and some were great...

I've been trying to cut back internet time, read that more than 5 hours of computer a day can cause depression...
Also got the flu inbetween, slowly getting better..

Hope you're allright-ish.. and will post more in near future!! (though I still need to stay away from computer a bit and do some other things too.. sigh)

How's Rylee? I'd really love to know more about him, lol.. Wow, that you were pretty good in academics, me too..
Who wants to be normal? Do you know that quote: Has anyone 'normal' ever made history?

 

[Feathers]

Okay, some more time for replying

I think it's good to have a variety of friends, so you can talk about different things with them, and do different things too.. Even if they are not 'close friends' at first, you can take it gradually...

Thanks for the info on DBT and your group!
Yes, I do recommend the book!! Tell what you think about it!

WOW, Applied Developmental Psychology!! That's really interesting..
Yeah, probably a lot of people go study psyhology to better understand themselves and/or those around them...

Pharmacy too - interesting! I'm a bit sceptical of the whole big pharma thing, though some pharmacists are very friendly and very knowledgeable about supplements and vitamins/minerals and such too.. What part of pharmacy interests you?

Interesting about the cat!! I had no idea cats could have it either...
Well, it seems people can have celiac even if the blood test or even biopsy is negative! But I do hope none of you really have it!!
I used to eat a lot of bread and such, am trying to stay away from it too, not sure about getting the biopsy either /sigh/
My doc said the blood test alone cannot give enough accurate info (?) but she said to see a specialist and I haven't dared to apply for that yet

Sorry to hear it didn't go well with the new psychiatrist... Hope you got another better one?? How come the good doc had to let go of all his clients and is just doing intakes? Some hospital decisions don't seem to make sense?? (Could all of you clients rebel? )

Well, I had a sort of crisis at the end of my study too.. I wanted to write my theses too well, and really wanted it to be good, and sorta had 'info overload' and did an 'overload' of too many interesting and fascinating things too and then had a bit of a crash too, in a way... And then slowly got better.. And finished the damn thing too, even if it took some time..
'Overachievers' like us can sometimes need time to find out a proper balance of things - not too much and not too little info/stimulation/activities/ideas/people/etc. It can be a learning process...

I think volunteering in something you'd be interested in, even if just for a short time at first, could be really really good for you!! Also for making money... Is there anything 'easy' or low-profile in the realm of 'freelancing' or online? You could review or help promote movies and music and games maybe?

Something that all of your characters might like to do? Or agree upon? Subtitle anime? Or research and then help a non-profit or other people with results of research or such? (You just need other people to double-check what you did maybe?)

It's good to limit internet time though, I read 5+ hrs computer a day can cause depression, so having something interesting to do offline/RL would be very good too..

Taking a class/course for something that you'd be interested in can be cool too..

Yes, I think 'crazy' people can have interesting and good lives too.. Why not? Is there a ban to always have to be miserable just because you were labelled something-or-other? (Some of these diagnoses even change over time!! Or people have been misdiagnosed etc.)

I read about a woman with schizophrenia who was happily married and had four kids and a loving husband...(?) (Not sure how wise it is to have four kids if you think that schizophrenia can be genetic, other than that... I think it's great that she had a family and a happy life!!)

There are even some who don't believe in 'labelling' and just say people can go through a crisis and come out stronger and richer for the experience...

Think about it, how many Hollywood actors and singers are in and out of rehab or have expensive therapists etc.!!
Does it make'em 'normal'? uhm, I don't think so!! But it doesn't stop them from being rich and famous and having a luxury life, lol!!

Hope to hear from you again!!

 

[Devrium]

Hi! And thanks again for another reply. And don't worry about losing the thread lol I take forever sometimes to get back to people. It's a really bad habit of mine and anyway it's not like I'm going anywhere or have anything to do, so I don't mind waiting.

lol I don't know how fascinating I am >///< but thank you ^_^

Ummm I don't know if I have hyperacusis or misophonia. I was just at an audiologist a couple months ago tho. I'm not sure if they tested for that but I have been told that my sensitivity to noise is just because of the voices etc so who knows. Maybe I should get retested. Today is even worse for me than usual.. even my typing is bugging me. Sometimes extra noise helps tho. Like music can sometimes quiet the voices but other times if the voices are really loud and stuff or if I am really upset about them or stressed out, then extra noise just makes everything worse. Like today, they are really loud and talkative which is making typing even more annoying because they keep interrupting me. And sometimes all the noise just blurs together and I feel like I am drowning in it. It's like a deafening noise like.. if you were standing at the bottom of Niagara Falls and couldn't get away long enough to even hear your own thoughts.. just a rushing of white noise that makes it impossible to concentrate on anything. That's on my worst days tho. I hope that all made sense.. I guess mostly it just depends on how loud they are being and my emotional state. Today my emotional state is completely off balanced and messed up so that probably explains why they are louder and more frequent. I don't know.. I need to stop trying to analyze myself. I always just end up going round and round and round in circles ._.

Ummm the only class I go to now is that DBT one I was talking about. I hate it so much. Although I am trying to get back into school so I can finish up my pre reqs that I need for grad school. I am only missing like 5 classes (all science lab classes) which is fortunate since those are the ones I do best in. Sadly tho, the nearest college to me is a 3.5 hour drive one way and since it's science lab classes taking them online isn't an option. It may be a while yet before I get back into school.. Not to mention my propensity for ending myself up in the psych ward every couple months... makes going to school such a joy *sigh*

lol I like that quote about being normal, It's so very true.

And Rylee is... upset. He's been pissy all week.. ever since my visit at that new psychiatrists. Some of the stuff that happened there when I was having my hysterics in his office. It made Rylee really really really mad (at me) and he hasn't been in a good mood since then. But Rylee probably has the shortest fuse of all of them. He has a bad temper, but at the same time he's probably the nicest of them when he isn't mad. He also is a huge goofball most days. He can make me laugh at the most inappropriate times. And he tells the funniest jokes, Like at a funeral or, in the movie theater during a sad part of a movie, or in the middle of school or a family gathering or something and that kind of pisses me off because it makes me look even more insane and it embarrasses my family and friends so after a while I stopped getting invited places and stuff... er... no getting around that one tho so I should really stop complaining about it. Everyone already knows I'm crazy but yea... Rylee is not happy atm. He's been flying off the handle a lot lately which in turn makes me irritated which means everyone else around me is in a bad mood *sigh* And what's worse is he's mostly mad at me..

Although Rylee is much better than Savani. Rylee is nice a lot of the time, even if he tells me to do crazy things and makes me act up. Sav (and he hates being called Sav btw) Is the worst. He's cold and cruel and mean. All the times I have ended up in the hospital... that can be directly traced back to Sav. Although Kristoph and sometimes Des can keep Sav in line he often makes them disappear so... I don't know. I would say Sav is the ring leader. The others follow his lead. He's the meanest and the most dangerous by far... And he scares the shi.t out of me. I have had, on more than one occasion, screaming fits of terror because of the things he says to me. It's like having a nightmare while you're awake only worse since you can't wake up...

Er... and damn here I was trying to mask my crazies in this post.. I guess I failed drastically at that. It's kind of weird talking about them because.. no one's really asked detailed questions and stuff before. Not that I mind... actually when I started typing about Sav it got very quiet... which is nice for a change since today it's been loud. Or is it dangerous... anyway.. er wow... well I don't mind if you ask questions and stuff. In a way I think it probably helps. It's just strange to get used to it..

ummm... anyway moving on.. I'm doing my best to stay focused here lol. Sometimes I can have trouble with linear thought... although today I seem to be doing okay. As long as this post makes sense I guess...

Anyway yea, App Dev Psych is fascinating. It's not like normal psychology. I didn't learn anything about mental health or disorders or anything. We just focused on developmental psych so basically learning where people should be at certain stages of development and ages etc.. so a lot of Freud, Erickson, Jung, Rogers, Piaget and a lot of Behavioral modification, schedules of reinforcement, statistics and research psych and stuff like that. It's like if I had stayed in that field I could have been a school psychologist or been in charge of developing standardized testing or going into classrooms to work with behavioral problems and correct "problem children" etc... we learned how to do group dynamics and token economy's ad stuff like that. It was coupled with the education department so I actually ended up minoring in special education. But I like pharmacy better. I was always more of a science person than a humanities person. Don't ask why I went into psych... at the time it was on a whim. I knew I should have majored in chem but oh well.. here I am. I am grateful for my back ground in psych at least. It helps me relate a bit better to people.. which because of the BPD and everything else, has always been a struggle for me.

As far as pharmacy goes.. I hate drugs in the way that I hate how over medicated everyone is. I hate taking drugs and stuff... but the science behind it fascinates me... and pharmacy isn't just about retail or hospital. It isn't just about handing out medications. Where I really want to end up is in a biotech firm doing infectious disease drug research and vaccine and immunization development. I want to work with viruses like Lassa fever and stuff and develop vaccines for it. I don't know if it's possible but, that's where I want to go. Molecular biology and chemistry are my 2 main loves and so it just seemed like the natural choice. If I can't get close to viruses I would like to do cancer research focusing on telomeres and telomerase since I see a lot of potential there. Since I had cancer it's kind of close to my heart you know? And I would like to contribute to the research of finding a cure. But viruses will always be my first love so... either way I want to work in a lab doing drug research and development and focus on vaccines.

As far as the psychiatrist goes.. he had to let us go because of budget cuts. There is nothing I can do about getting my old one back. And I don't know how to get a new one.. I don't want to be stuck with this guy. Rylee hates him and.. that just causes problems for me. Plus I don't trust him at all... I'll hopefully get something worked out tho. In my case I have to see one. I don't have a choice so.. I just hope I end up with a good one in the end. For now I am stuck with what Rylee calls "Ben the douchebag".

As far as volunteering and irl stuff goes.. I think I am still a ways off from being able to do that but maybe one day. For now it's enough that I can get outside everyday to walk my dog. Plus I do spend a lot of time on the computer but it's not always online. I write a lot, and I draw a lot. I probably spend like 9 hours a day drawing ._. it's bad I know but it helps keep me focused.

Anyway I think I better stop here for today.. I think I answered most of your questions and it's getting harder and harder to concentrate. Thanks again for replying so much and for listening and understanding and... well I guess for accepting me. Most people wouldn't want to talk to the voices in my head lol! They usually just walk away, so it's nice to know there are people out there that can accept me... voices and all. So thanks!

 

[Feathers]

Hey Devrium!

Great to hear from you again!!

Well, one part of you that makes you most fascinating is the voices too!!
I've never met anyone before who had them!!

I am also fascinated with how you are a scientist and into chem/bio and psychology and how things work and helping cure terrible diseases and such!! And you know tons more than I do about some most likely very fascinating things!!
(I miss smart people where I live right now lol.)

Think about it: if you were a character in a book, you'd be most fascinating!!
(And I'd love to write a book about someone that fascinating, lol!! I hope you are not offended with that?
Of course I will respect your wishes in any regard to this!!
And it's not like I ever finished writing a book yet /sigh/ maybe a story, hmm? It would be a really great film/anime too.. lol)

If it comforts you, you are not the first psychology major who was suicidal. Someone we knew actually committed suicide after a year working at a school.. I really wondered what they teach in Psychology classes then!!

I was told a lot of Psychology (at least where I live) is not actually about helping people and oneself, it was more like a catalogue of 'databases' - what theories and therapies exist, etc. They didn't really learn to use it on themselves or in real life..

It's really interesting to read about your characters!!
So it's basically 4 of them, or is my Math off?

Haven't any of the therapists asked you about them?
It sounds like a really loud non-profit committee then!!
(I hope they won't get upset at that? It just seems with so different personalities it can be hard to reach understanding, so no wonder if they quarrel a lot in your head!!)
They do sound very interesting!! No wonder they have trouble agreeing on anything.. Rylee reminds me of me a bit, or my dad.. we can have a quick temper too.. and can quarrel but really sorta love each other too..

Sorry to hear you had a bad day... These things happen..
Many ORL people don't know much about hyperacusis/misophonia.. especially if you didn't mention it specifically.. it can have lots of different causes, eg magnesium deficiency (or some other vitamins/minerals), and also be a side-effect of some meds etc.

I've had times when even typing was too loud too (clicks of keyboard) Luckily this is now mostly over.. (only happens very rarely, if I got too upset or weather/nutrition related.. or if I used earplugs/earphones)
It was usually worse if I was hungry too.. Often it was better if I ate something with magnesium or other anti-stress vitamins/minerals... or proteins.. (I was semi-vegetarian before and started eating meat again for the zinc and other minerals..)

Sorry to hear you've had cancer too, glad you managed to combat it!!
Sounds like you've been through a lot!! Some of my relatives had it too, and partly that's why I'm into eco projects and healthy living..

Hope it gets better..

Will write more when I get some more time/energy for in-depth thought.. I am still not quite recovered from the flu or what was it? (Was throwing up 1st night +fever & feeling sucky, apparently sis brought it home, I got ill 2 days after her, mom and dad didn't apparently)

Is it true that virus is most problematic to infect others the first 2 or 3 days, and then not anymore? I wonder if it would be good to go to a workshop/seminar? (I'd really love to go, I'm mostly recovered but wouldn't want to infect others??) hmm..??

Any thoughts would be deeply appreciated!! (And if you don't know or if it's different with every virus that's okay too.. I just thought I might ask in case you knew anything?)

Anyway, great to hear from you again!! And hope your day gets better!!

 

[Devrium]

Sometimes I feel like these are PM's rather than posts ahahah hah yea. Anyway, I like posts better. I always write too much and end up having to split PM's up into 3 or 4 parts. Much less annoying this way.

And here I just thought the voices made me crazy, not interesting xD But I can see how that would be from someone who doesn't have them. I can't remember a time without them so I guess for me it's just the norm.

And yes science. It is my life blood. I don't know if I was put on this earth with a purpose or whatever. I guess some people believe that everyone has a reason to live... but if I did have one it would to be some sort of scientist. I would love to contribute to cancer research or something.. If I can ever stand on my own 2 feet long enough to do something like that. And yes I know about not being surrounded by intelligent people. I swear I probably have more education and intelligence in my pinky finger than everyone in my town combined. The people here... scare me... with their lack of common sense and intelligence. This is part of the reason (a small part mind you, but part none the less) of why I never leave the house ._. Er.... not that I think I'm better than them or all that smart in general. I don't... I mean my self esteem is way too s.hitty to think that about myself but... they really are scary. I really just blame it on the area I live in, not on the people themselves. Anyway.. I'll stop before I hurt myself...

And if you wanna write about a character based off of someone like me I don't mind one bit lol. I find it funny and interesting, but I don't mind xD

And yea, in fact most of the people I went to school with for psychology were, well not as crazy as me, but they had some serious issues too. I think people with issues are draw to psychology in general so it makes sense... I mean I am no exception.

And lol, I don't know if I would exactly call them characters. I mean logically I know that they aren't real.. but to me they are. They are more real than most people to me so... I mean I can see them sometimes too although, that happens infrequently and only with Sav, nora, and Kura. Although I do know what the others look like, even if I haven't ever actually had visual hallucinations of them. If that makes sense.. Also, there are a lot more than just 4... but there are only a handful that have names and personalities... the other voices are just sort of disembodied and blurred together and it's hard to separate them out. Those ones aren't like the others... Not like Rylee and Sav where we can have actual conversations and stuff.. and they aren't as loud... I call them my generic voices, as opposed to the incorporeal ones... for lack of a better term. Although sometimes the generic ones can be more dangerous to me than the others because they can be more overwhelming, more convincing, and louder. And they (with the exception of Sav) tell me to do some pretty bad things, usually to myself. Although Sav is still the worst and he scares me the most. It's almost like the generic voices are Sav's sick little minions or something lol.. I don't know. I don't often analyze them like this..

I have told my therapist about them... and even if I never said anything they would have figured it out from my behavior but they never asked specifics. I mean they know Sav and Rylee's names and some others but they never asked about them specifically.. I mean it's not like I have MPD or something (or at least not that I know of) so... I don't know. My therapists all sort of suck. But it's not like I mind talking about them (obviously). And yes they can fight amongst themselves sometimes but it doesn't happen too often. Maybe the others are all just too afraid of Sav. It's not a committee so much as.... more like totalitarianism or something.. a dictatorship under Sav's rule. Rylee calls him "The Tyrant" when he's pissed him off... but out of all of them Rylee is really the only one that can hold his own against Sav. But... that doesn't mean Rylee ever comes to my rescue if Sav is tormenting me..

And now I've upset Sav..

I should probably go... er but about the virus thing (while I still have my wits about me) That is true that you are the most contagious in the first couple days (at least with some viruses). In fact with the Rhinovirus (common cold) you are most contagious for the first 4 days before you even start showing symptoms. Once you show symptoms of a cold the contagious factor has dropped by nearly half already. Viruses are cool that way.

 

[Feathers]

Hey Devrium!!

Thanks for the info!! (and the go-ahead, lol! )

Sounds like you need intelligent life out there, so I understand the need to talk to someone interesting? Just curious, did the voices start before you came to your hometown or after?

I think there are some intelligent and interesting people in our little town (it took me a while to find that out ), I just don't know many of them, and some of them have careers/families/busy lives etc, so we don't really hang out much.. Maybe there are some people 'in hiding' in your town too? I can totally relate to the 'little town' syndrome though... I miss the intellectual atmosphere of university cities...

Yes, these sound like PMs, lol.. I prefer this too, have too many PMs in my inbox, lol..

Sorry to hear Sav got upset, hope I haven't said anything offending? Maybe it's good that the others listen to him & Rylee, otherwise it would be too much chaos? Some tyrannies have actually worked pretty well, in our country and some others.. Maybe he's a really well-organized person or 'natural leader' or something? Does he have any good qualities? He's probably quite charismatic (?)

Sorry to hear you got told to do bad things, to yourself etc. Is this like Pure OCD, a bit? Maybe Sav can call off the minions if they tell you to do bad things, to yourself etc? Isn't it in his best interest to keep you in good shape? Could you ask him?

Some directors or dictators listen to advice and recommendations of advisors - maybe you could be like 'advisor' to Savani? Or what is his role - or yours in relationship to him? Would he be interested in anything like that? Like in a business proposition? It seems Savani is like President/CEO and Rylee is Vice President (?)
And how does he look like? Have you ever drawn/painted them?

Just wanted to get to know about them, cause they're soo interesting...

More next time...
Have to go to sleep now, oops, I'm way overdue...

Edit: It was pointed out to me that I talk about them as if they were real - actually, I think of them more like 'book characters'... (It was just really late last night...) Devrium, do tell if it seems helpful to talk about them or not.. We can talk about other stuff too, by all means...

I'm interested in what makes you interested in science and psychology and lab work, which aspects you like best, etc.

 

[Devrium]

Hey sorry for taking a long time to respond. It's just because... you asked me what they looked like so I decided I would try to draw Rylee and Savani for you so you could see.. I'll put the pics in this post.. So anyway I didn't want to reply til I finished the drawings for you. I never have drawn them before so.. I tried my best.. although I think Savani is much more evil irl.. that pic doesn't quite do him justice.. he doesn't look so innocent as that..

Umm.. the voices started when I was 12 but didn't get really bad (to the point that I was getting in trouble in school and needed medication and started getting put in institutions) until I was 15.. The first time that it got really bad it was during a math class.. that's the day Savani showed up. He scared me half to death and said some really terrible things until I was like freaking out and screaming for him to shut up etc.. (this is a common occurrence between me and Savani) it took 3 teachers to like basically drag me to the principles office and call my parents. They thought I was on drugs (which I wasn't, never have been, and never will be)... but I wouldn't calm down so they took me to the hospital and I ended up having to stay in the psych ward for a month and a half... that's about the time I got diagnosed with BPD too... although there was some discrepancy about that at first because apparently counselors don't like to diagnose people that young with BPD. Anyway, I have been a mess ever since then...

lol and also.. even if there were people in my town that weren't complete idiots, it wouldn't matter. The SA takes care of that.. I don't associate with people irl.. I just.. can't. I mean.. it's hard to explain... but SA aside, Savani doesn't like me to have friends... he barely lets me talk to my family even. If I get too happy or too comfortable around someone or whatever... even around my own mother or brothers he will go to any length to make my life a living hell so I can't enjoy myself.. he always acts up.. says terrible things that make me want to throw myself off the nearest building... He doesn't even like me typing these posts but.. that's just how Savani is.

And no.. you didn't upset him. I did. Because you know, everything is always my fault. And... just to clarify for you.. because I don't think you exactly understand what he's like... first of all, the others don't listen to Rylee... and they only listen to Savani out of fear. Secondly, there is nothing good about Savani. He might be a "natural born leader"... I don't know but... he terrorizes everybody. He hurts everybody. He only cares about himself and making my life as miserable as possible. And I definitely wouldn't call him charismatic.. more like he's just down right terrifying. There is no respect involved. Just fear.

Also, he would never call them off. If I asked he would simply say, "That would be counterproductive". As far as it being OCD.. no I don't think so... just that when Savani or the others tell me to do it... like all the times I tried to kill myself.. I just can't refuse them.. sometimes they don't directly tell me tho.. sometimes it's just so overwhelming it drives me to want to commit suicide.. that's Savani's favorite game to play. "Let's see how far I can push her before she attempts suicide. That will be fun!" As far as self preservation goes for him? I don't know.. I don't think that's his goal. I mean he never wants what's in my best interest. He wants me dead. He made that much clear... time and time again.. but it's not like I know why... All I know is that he terrify's me.. he hurts me by saying cruel things.. he pushes and pushes until I can't take it anymore. He knows just what to say to push me over the edge...

And Rylee... lol no.. he may not fear Savani like me and the others do but Savani would never listen to him. Savani listens to no one. He's the alpha and omega around here.. He hates Rylee because Rylee doesn't bow down to him but that doesn't mean he would ever listen to Rylee and he certainly doesn't respect him in any way shape or form. But even Rylee won't refuse Savani if he's given a direct order.. Rylee might sound nice and all but I've landed myself in the psych ward more than once because of things he's done or told me to do. On his own accord and on Savani's. So yea... don't ever think they would make a partnership or team. No one is even close to Savani's level and he won't let anyone get close to that either.. And don't ever think that any of them are good for me or would help me in any way. In the end, their main goal is to hurt me. Even Rylee.

Anyway, no I don't mind talking about them.. my little brother Alex likes to talk to them too... but he's the only other one so... I'm just not used to other people asking about them. And sorry if that came off as if I were upset or something.. I'm not at all. I just wanted to clarify because... you don't seem to grasp just how terrifying and evil Savani really is.. He hurts me... all he does is hurt me. Or make me hurt myself.. and he hurts everyone else around me too.. so I hate him.. I wish he would leave me alone for 5 seconds...

Also.. I don't mind if you look at them as if they were book characters or something.. as long as you keep in mind that to me, they are as real as any living breathing human being. Most of the time.. I hear them more clearly than I do real people.. so to me, they are real. Absolutely real.

Er and again I'm not upset or anything so sorry if I sound pissy.. I'm just tired and on edge.. I had a rough day today... Savani isn't playing nice (not that he ever does) but... yea.. Anyway I really don't mind talking about them.. in a way it helps. As long as I don't piss someone off...

And as far as what interests me so much about science and psych? Well psych because I am human and psychology is all about human nature and the mind etc. What is there not to be interested in? I mean I think humans are all naturally interested in psychology...

But science.. I don't know. I was born to be a scientist.. it's just my calling in life. When I was 2 I told my mom I wanted to be a pediatrician.. It's just part of who I am. I got my first chem set when I was 5. I was dissecting birds (they were already dead and had fallen out of their nests so I wasn't killing them) but dissecting them when I was 7 and keeping completely detailed medical journals of their anatomy and cause of death etc... I was in AP genetics, biology and chem all the way through middle and high school... it just comes naturally to me. Everything about science fascinates me.. from astronomy to molecular biology to physics. I love it all.. I can't really explain it.. but I mean.. my mom said I read national geographic instead of childrens books and I watched Nova and other scientific programs instead of cartoons when I was really little. So yea... it's just.... maybe I just have the soul of a scientist xD It's just who I am.

 

[Feathers]

WOW, these are good pics!!

Did you draw/paint them with a tablet? (I soo wish a tablet, a Wacom or other better drawing utensils than a mouse...)

They both look quite attractive and young! I thought they would be somehow older? They remind me of heroes from Japanese dramas or animes.. Did you watch a lot of anime before they appeared? Or is this just an approximate representation?

Do you see them 'head to toe'? - I thought they would be just faces with voices or such...

Savani actually looks a bit sad in the picture, as if he were a bit lonely and unhappy perhaps (?)
He reminds me a bit of a few guys from dramas who were miserable and yelling at people too.. (They were all pretty goodlooking too, one was a singer/songwriter in a Korean drama..)

I can relate to others wanting to spoil your mood too, often when I was particularly happy, Dad sorta usually interrupted.. or something else happened.. So I'm almost afraid to be happy too hm..

Sorry to hear you had to struggle with this all since you were so young.. And yeah, I understand that they are real to you and have been hurtful.. Glad to hear talking about them seems to help... If at any time it doesn't, please tell me...

WOW about being a scientist since so early on!!

I was interested in some aspects of biology, chem and physics too.. In a slightly different way I guess, was also interested in other things too.. (In fact, I may be interested in too many things, lol...)
I'm fascinated with your fascination though, lol!

What you write reminds me of Professor Nash a bit, have you seen Beautiful Mind? Wikipedia says some interesting things about him too.. He has some interesting views of mental health and money too.. (And got a Nobel prize despite his problems... )
He was diagnosed with paranoid shizophrenia, ever been diagnosed with anything like that? (I know it's just another label, and don't necessarily believe in labels, we are people and not labels, was just wondering...)

Maybe the brain can develop 'overload' (or side effects) from all the books and info, don't know...? (Dad sometimes teased me about it..)
Makes me also wonder if you had a lot of contact to any iffy chemicals as a kid... (?) That could maybe cause these guys to appear too.. (I read lead or such could cause shizophrenia, though this is probably a bit different again... These labels can sort of change too.. I know someone was told she had shizophrenia and years later that she was bipolar.. Professor Nash doesn't seem to make differences between these two? It would be interesting to compare brain activity/chemistry or such.. maybe studies like that already exist..)
Are you comfortable with studies and such too, or prefer hands-on lab work? Or a bit of both?

Sorry if this is uhm, a bit 'too much'.. feel free to reply when you can.. I am very interested in cause-effect relationships of things.. If you don't like to talk about any of it, I can erase it.. or we can talk about other things too...

Just wanted to write a short post to tell you I love the pics and that I'll post more later, and here we are, half a 'novel' later lol
Have you ever thought about drawing comics/anime?

Take care!! & hope you have a good day! (or at least good-ish enough or 'just right'!)

 

[Devrium]

Oh thanks.. well they are kind of bad since I drew them quickly and didn't pay much attention but yea I drew them with my Wacom Bamboo tablet on Paint Tool Sai.

I'm young so I guess maybe that's why I view them as being young as well. I mean it would be weird for me to have a bunch of 50 year olds.. I couldn't relate as much to someone older... so my brain interprets them as being younger. It makes more sense that way.

And no I didn't watch anime before they appeared. I didn't even know what anime was until I was 17 or so and they showed up around age 12 for me. Although I will admit that my art style is based off of anime, but not because I like anime in particular... just because that's how I learned to draw. I never learned any other way... so it's just my style. You have to admit, so much of our culture is influenced by anime... it's probably only natural that that's my learned style. I mean, anime is everywhere... and just to be clear, It's not so much that I like anime... it's just that there are some anime's that I like. But I was never too obsessed about it. Some of them are enjoyable, that's about it. And I liked the style of art so when I was teaching myself how to draw I based it off that, like I said. But my voices themselves have absolutely nothing to do with anime whatsoever.

And yes, I see them head to toe clearly. Although as I said before actual visual hallucinations are rare. But that doesn't mean I don't know what they look like... but you know those drawings aren't 100% accurate. I don't think I could ever completely capture them... so they are just a representation really... I mean, it's as close as I will get. I would say the drawings are about 90% accurate.

I never really thought of Sav as being sad... or at least I never picked that emotion up from him. But it could be true... I mean I never had the desire to get very close to him.. mostly all he does is yell and say mean things all day long. I don't know if he is even capable of having other emotions. I mean.. it's possible but I never really gave it much thought. And yes he is very good looking, as much as I am loath to admit it. Although, as I said in the last post... I drew him better looking than he actually is.. he's really just kind of scary to me.. and I didn't mean to draw him in that weird school boy uniform.. he doesn't really dress like that... well the jacket is accurate but not the bow.. maybe I subconsciously added the bow to make him look less scary lol! But I think I captured his hair perfectly... if that helps at all.

and lol.. I still don't know why I am obsessed with science. I think it's just ingrained into my soul or something..

I don't know Dr. Nash or anything about him. I guess I will have to look him up. I never saw that movie... I pretty much only watch movies with action and explosions... or science programs. Everything else bores me. And no, I am not schizophrenic, thank goodness.. just BPD and maybe slightly DID and definitely more than a little psychotic. But they just call it generalized psychosis for me. I know auditory hallucinations are almost always associated with schizophrenia but in my case.. I'm just generally crazy lol. I have other psychotic symptoms too besides the auditory stuff but yea that's another story. I'm just.... mentally unhinged ._. Although I have been surprisingly coherent lately.. I think the DBT is slightly helping. Even tho I hate it.

I prefer hands on lab work by far. I love compounding medications. I worked as a chemo tech in a hospital compounding and mixing IV's and chemotherapy and I also did topical and other compounding so I love the hands on work... but I am not opposed to research. I was trained in research psychology after all. That's what my degree is in.. research psych. Research is necessary and it's part of being a scientist... but I would much rather take the practical tangible approach ^^ I am a mad scientist at heart. But really... research can be quite fun at times... as long as you get to act on it later.

And that's funny you would mention cause and effect relationships.. I am a Buddhist and cause and effect is basically the foundation of our Buddhist practice. (My type of Buddhism anyway. There are 80,000 different types of Buddhism and each one is very different from the other so you can't really generalize the religion)... but yea I very much believe in cause and effect ^_^

 

[Feathers]

Yeah, do look up Professor Nash!!
There's quite a lot about him on Wikipedia, if you just google him+Beautiful Mind.

I also recommend watching the Korean drama 'You're Beautiful' - the main male character looks soo much like your Savani!!
(You can see it on DramaCrazy or such sites...)
It's a really beautiful and funny and touching and heart-warming drama..

Also found this link: Hearing voices that are distressing: Self-help resources and strategies - NEC Article Maybe some suggestions could be helpful to you? Have you ever tried anything like that before, and was it helpful?

Found here: Hearing Voices Movement - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Have you heard of this movement before? Seems some other possibly helpful articles and websites could be there..
It seems some people have learnt to live with the voices..
It's a bit odd, but interesting...
I think I've read something similar before...

Found here: Psychosis - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (I had to look it up! ) Never really researched it before, and didn't quite know much about it.. Is DID this: Dissociative identity disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia ?
There seems to be some controversy about both... And there is some talk they both could be caused by past trauma...? (Like someone saw a viper..) This may be difficult to remember (and if so, please feel free to stay away from it), can you recall any specific events that could have led to it? Or any other possibly stressful things from the past? Maybe your brothers were born or something? (My sis said she'd leave home if we got another sibling, so we didn't..)
Again, it may have nothing to do with this.. If it's difficult, I'll erase and we can talk about other things...

Interesting, apparently someone else married one of her analyst's colleagues?
It seems that even the experts may not know that much about it all..
I just briefly read it all, some interesting questions occur...
Have you ever eaten LSD? Probably not as a kid...

Do you always just 'see/hear' your characters or have you ever felt you 'became' someone else or like you were completely taken over? (with memory blackouts or such) Again, if it's too distressing, I'll erase it and we can talk about something else completely..

I know Wikipedia is not to be trusted completely, maybe it can point out to some interesting things to research? Or maybe even talk about, with others from the Hearing Voices Movement or any psychiatrists or such? (Not sure if they would be sympathetic though, or if they have heard of this at all?)
I think that if I had something I'd probably want to talk to others who have it too.. So maybe you can write to them?

Interesting about the lab work... and what you did... You are quite brave.. I was never so attracted to it, I feel more drawn to herbs and such.. And researching psychological/toxicology/environmental stuff and such aspects.. Have you ever done any research in this regard and what kind?

Great to hear you've been better and coherent lately!!

Sorry if I touched on any unpleasant things, do tell if there's anything you don't wish to discuss... I'm just kinda new to this all, so I may stumble and say something silly.. I have never met anyone like you and it's all quite fascinating..

Interesting that you are a Buddhist!! Have you always been one, or later on became one? (I was raised a good Catholic girl, uhm, sort of, I see many good things about Buddhism though and admire it for several reasons... though I admit I don't know it that much..)

 

[Devrium]

First of all sorry for the late reply... the last couple of days have been... not so good to say the least. I was being more psychotic than usual. Also they decided to put me on a new medication and I am not taking to it very well... but yea I think I am okay today so.. I am going to respond to this while I am still coherent.

I certainly will look up that Korean drama. It sounds interesting. I always was a fan of Korean romantic comedy's and the like. Have you seen My Sassy Girl? It's one of my favorite Korean movies... I also like 100 days with Mr. Arrogant and My Tutor Friend. Great movies!

And yes, thank you for the links and all but I have already visited all of those and more about auditory hallucinations and stuff. They aren't really that helpful to be honest. I mean there are forums and stuff out there that I go to sometimes but I think my BPD bothers me more than the voices and this forum is the best support site I have found so far. For some reason talking to other people with voices... we just end up going in circles. Sorry also, if sometimes I don't make a lot of sense. I am having one of my less coherent days today so I might not make total sense sometimes but I am trying really hard to stay focused here.

Yes DID is that dissociative identity disorder. And yes there are controversy's about both it and psychosis because there is still a lot that we don't know about the disorders. As far as past trauma, I know for a fact that's part of what caused my problems. I mean that's a well known fact. BPD and other disorders are largely caused by trauma, anxiety, your base personality, depression and an invalidating environment growing up. That's the recipe for making a personality or mood disorder. Trauma is for sure a HUGE part of it, so that's not new news to me. Yea, I had a rough child hood. I will be the first to admit that's probably why I am crazy now... It's just a matter of working through that trauma. But I can tell you right now it doesn't matter how much therapy I have, I won't ever be sane. However, I believe that over time I can improve a little bit. But I don't ever expect to be cured...

Also about the DID thing.... it's a little difficult to explain.. especially when I can't get my thoughts in order but I will try.... it's like this... You have BPD (Borderline personality disorder) and at the far end of it... like at the opposite extreme end of BPD you have DID... so like this:

BPD<--------------------------------------->DID

The closer you are to the left side of that arrow... the closer to the BPD side you are, the less severe your disorder. The closer to the DID side the more severe your BPD is.. and everything in between is like different levels of severity..

So like there are different types of dissociative symptoms. You can be dissociative in a physical way for example. If you have physical dissociative symptoms, when you get really stressed out you show physical signs of that stress... like nausea, diarrhea, bladder problems, muscle aches and pains, headaches, etc. Aside from the physical type of dissociation, you can also have memory dissociation. This is when you dissociate yourself so much that you don't remember anything... Like you block out your whole past and things you did during your day. Like in my case.. I will take a shower. I know I took a shower because my hair is wet, but I don't actually remember taking the shower. Or like... I will draw something. I know I drew it because it's sitting in front of me, but I don't actually remember drawing it. I suffer from this memory dissociation BIG TIME. And then the thrid major type of dissociation is personality dissociation. This is when you get into DID. Personality dissociation is DID. It's when you have multiple personalities etc. I am not quite there. I don't dissociate from my personality. So while I do have dissociative symptoms, I don't have DID. So see, within BPD there are different degrees of dissociative symptoms. At the far and of BPD, a severe case you have DID. But within BPD there will always be some degree of dissociative stuff going on.

So for me I would be about here on the scale of BPD

BPD<---------------------------------------ME----->DID

My BPD is pretty severe, but not so severe that I suffer from full blown DID. However I do suffer from dissociation; especially memory dissociation, but some physical stuff too. And in BPD it's all stress related. So, the more stressed out I am the worse my dissociative symptoms get. Also the psychosis works it's way in there as well, since my BPD and depression is so bad that's (apparently) what gives me some of my more prominent psychotic symptoms. Aka the voices. I guess... that's what they told me anyway...

Oh and one more thing... speaking of trauma.. I did have one therapist tell me that my voices were actually more like memory's of my past trauma manifesting themselves in a certain way. I don't know how accurate that is, but I guess it could be true..

Anyway.. that was long...I hope that made sense... If you're confused about anything I just said please feel free to ask. I have done a lot of research and been through at least 40 counselors (not to mention I do have a degree in psychology) so... I pretty much can grasp what's going on with me. Of course grasping it rationally and dealing with it are two totally separate things. I can rationalize it to myself all I want, but when I am in a psychotic episode there is no saving me.. lol

Oh and the drug thing... no I never have done any drugs, and I never ever will. I can't stand drugs. I self sabotage in other ways. I don't drink or smoke either. I don't tolerate that stuff. As far as what caused me to be the way I am... I have a pretty good grasp on why I am the way I am. But simply knowing why I turned out this way isn't going to help me. I have done plenty of self analysis in that regard and what I need now mostly is just a good therapist that can help me work through all that past trauma. Although like I said before... while I may be able to get better, I know I won't ever be cured. Also because it's not just my past and trauma and all that that caused this. Psychosis runs in my family, so it's genetic as well. My mom is a total nut job xD

And yes, I only just see and hear them. I have never become them or let them take over or anything like that. Again like I said, I am not full blown DID. Maybe one day if I get worse it might go into full blown DID where they do that, but it hasn't happened thus far. Thank goodness. However they still affect me a lot... you know to the point that am am huddled on the floor screaming at the top of my lungs for them to shut up and leave me alone... when I get like that, no one can reach me. I have had to be sedated more than once. That's on a really bad day tho... this is what happened to me like 2 days ago and why I wasn't around to respond.. I am still kind of shaken up from that but I seem to be doing okay for now. And it's unpredictable when it happens too... and yea... I'll stop rambling now. Sometimes I get so many thoughts in my head that just want to come out all at once and then they get all jumbled and I start tripping over myself >.<

And yes, I love herbs and natural (homeopathic remedies). I took a lot of classes on this subject when I was going to school for my pharmacy technician degree, so I do know a lot about that stuff. Although I am more into more modern cures etc because of the area of focus (vaccines) that I want to go into eventually. I think I will be able to do more with non homeopathic remedies. However, I am certainly not opposed to them and in most cases I prefer to use natural remedies on myself than more modern or traditional ones. So yea, in short, I am a big supporter of herbs and what not. I think they can do wonders!

And about Buddhism... No I have not always been one. I was actually born and raised Catholic. I went to Catholic school and everything like my whole life. I still believe in God but I prefer Buddhism for it's more practical approach. Besides in Buddhism (at least in my type of Buddhism) we don't worship anything, we don't even meditate or do any of that Zen stuff. There are no other gods and no idols or anything so as far as I am concerned I am not breaking any of the 10 commandments or anything by being a Buddhist. I just like Buddhist philosophy and way of life better because it makes more sense to me. But I can still hold onto my belief of God and stuff... You probably can relate to this but it's almost like once you are a Catholic, some part of you will always be Catholic no matter what. It's more than a religion, it's a life style and a way of being raised. So even tho I am Buddhist now for all intents and purposes, a part of me will always still be Catholic. I can never erase that since it was such a huge part of my life for so long.

Anyway I could spend all night talking to you about my type of Buddhism and only scratch the surface. I have been practicing for like 6 years and I am still learning. But I can give you the website of my type of Buddhism and they have basic information on there about the practice. And if you have any questions I would certainly be more than happy to answer them for you. The main thing about my type of Buddhism (which is called Nichiren Daishonin's Buddhism) is that we are chanters. We chant Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo. And we are the biggest Buddhist lay organization in the world with 15 million members in 192 different country's and territories. The organization is called the SGI (Soka Gakkai International). Anyway here is the main website for the SGI-USA SGI-USA: Buddhist Association for Peace, Culture and Education, Nichiren Buddhism and here is the page on Nam-Myho-Renge-Kyo SGI-USA: About Buddhism: What is Nam-myoho-renge-kyo?

That should at least get you started. It really is an amazing and fantastic practice... if only I would stick to it more faithfully ._.

 

[Feathers]

Thanks!

Sorry to hear that you had a bad episode, hope it was not started over what I wrote? And if so, I'm deeply sorry and apologize.. It's sometimes difficult to know what to post or not.. I can sometimes get too enthusiastic over things or links.. (Partly I posted them for myself to not lose track of them.. If I save it into the computer it is often lost forever /sigh/) I figured you probably looked at the Wikipedia links, yup.. Didn't even mean for you to read that all.. Well, sometimes they change them too and I've sometimes been surprised at new things I found next time..

Thanks for explaining it all! What you write is perfectly coherent and very interesting. You describe it brilliantly!
I never knew much about these things, so it's really interesting to learn more about them...

Have experienced some stress-related body symptoms too (and sometimes got ill if I was really stressed), didn't know those were considered 'dissociative' too..

Haven't seen My Sassy Girl or those other titles you describe, will look'em up..

I understand what you mean with part of you staying Catholic any where you go.. I feel 'more spiritual than religious' these days, it's still a big part of my background.. (I think being Catholic can be a little bit traumatic itself lol, especially if one of your parents wanted to be a priest when he was younger-?? Though truth be said, there are a lot of cool Catholic families too, here almost everyone is Catholic anyway, some are not so religious.. very few buddhists or other religions..)
My cousin is into yoga and chanting is a big part of what they do too.. They have some Indian chants.. I find even singing songs sometimes helps to feel better.

And yup, I can totally relate to what you wrote about understanding what caused problems and still it can be problematic.. (especially if you live with these people, sigh.. well, at least in my case)

Have you tried EFT or TAT yet? Not sure if they would be recommended for you (I found them helpful sometimes) it would probably be better to google them up in connection to DID/BPD before trying.. (Okay, googled it and it appears some people with BPD have used EFT and found it helpful, mostly it's advised to do it with a good experienced practitioner or learn a lot about it and start with small unimportant things, it seems even some counsellors/psychologists use EFT these days.. not sure about DID though, seems caution is advised.. so probably better not, or if someone really knows what they're doing, like an experienced therapist.. again just typing it out as well for my later reference.. it's kinda like notes to a research, hope you don't mind too much?)
Anyway, I did them in the past and they were helpful, then kinda stopped doing them, got reminded again on this forum a while ago..

What kind of herbs have you used and in what ways? We mostly drink herbal tea, and have some ointments too, lol.. Dad also makes some herbal spirits or massage spirits and such..

I was to a herb exhibit this year, and it was really lovely.. Those older women in the town know a lot about different herbs and their uses and have some interesting mixes too..

Anyway, hope you get better!! I had a few sucky days this week too, it's slowly getting better, kinda.. I think some of it is (in my case) perhaps weather-related and because of stress too... Some of the new Korean/Japanese dramas finally cheered me up!!

Take care!!

 

[Devrium]

Hey sorry.. I've been.. yea not a good day..

And no nothing you write causes it. Just happens. It's just gonna happen when it happens no matter what. Things irl have been stressful so that's a big part of it.

I don't know what EFT and TAT is. I keep forgetting to look it up...

I use all sorts of different herbs like mint because it's good for stomach aches and it's also a natural antihistamine.. Chamomile because it takes away headaches and helps me breathe better if I am having asthma problems, Honey because it's a natural antibiotic, ginger and garlic and all sorts of other stuff.. next time I'll get into it better.

I forgot what I was gonna say...

oh my ex used to make healing salves from different plants and I used those but I don't know what all was put in them. Like cumfry and lots of stuff..

and I know red clover is supposed to help cure cancer

anyway I think... I need to go lay down. Just not a good day..