BF has SA. please help- advice

[ash1991]

I recently found out that my boyfriend of two years has social anxiety. He didn't tell me because he's embarrassed by it. We live together. For the first year of dating we would go out- go to the beach, go to dinner, or go out and see a movie. Now all we do is stay at home. I want to go out to dinner or a movie. I brought it up a couple of times and then I brought it up again saying that I can't live like this anymore just staying home and going to work. I want to have a life with him and do things. I really don't know what to do anymore. I love him and I know we could be together forever, but I can't be stuck like this not doing anything with the person I care most about.

He's tried therapy and medication, but he didn't listen to a word the therapist said and was very hostile and wouldn't open up. We can't have a serious conversation if it upsets him because he just shuts down completely.

Please help with any ideas on how to help him/cope/etc.

 

[nicole1]

Be supportive. Decide whether or not you can deal with it. Find creative ways to enjoy each other's time. Discuss how important going out is and maybe you both can find a happy middle.

There is no easy fix. And the fixing must come from his end...

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

It sounds like he is content. Awfully hard to change someone if they don't want to change.

 

[Hoppy]

You cannot help him cope, he has to help himself and from what you say he doesn't want to.

You have to choose, learn to live with it and stay indoors with him, get another boyfriend that does want to go out, or go out on your own.

Ask him to go out, get dressed and leave, with or without him. He is living in his own little hell at present, and it is unfair to yourself to try and live there as well.

Speaking from my own experience, I was like him.

 

[ash1991]

I don't mean him coping with it- I mean how do I? He's done a lot for me and I feel he deserves a chance... I don't know what really set off his SA to just staying in all the time (other than going to work)- I feel it might be because we moved out of his parents house into our own apartment. Would that sound about right? I wish I knew what set it off because prior to that we would have fun every day and now it's like it upsets him when I ask to go out. I hate going to hang out with my friends and have fun without him. I want to know steps or advice on how to help him to make the moves to going outside and spending time together outside of the apartment.

 

[Flanscho]

If I'd be you, I'd decide for a certain date, and until then see if anything happens. That way you give him a chance, but also avoid falling into the "maybe tomorrow it will be different" trap. I think it's great that you do give him a chance and try to talk with him, but if he doesn't want to change... We all live only once, so self-sacrifice might be noble but is rarely worth it. You owe it to yourself, to your friends and to your family to do what is necessary to become happy. So, set a certain date, try to work with him every now and then without pushing him too much. After half the time until that date passed without anything changing, tell him what you are thinking and what you are doing.

That's what I'd do.

 

[mikebird]

I was in the situation for 4.5 years with my girlfriend in this town. She was my social hub for me and everyone else. When she turned her back on me, I had 0 people to speak to in this town. It hurts.

She criticised me for being so negative about everything when I met her friends. Mum might have said the same. It's my constructive way to announce facts and inform people usefully of anything they don't know yet. Sarcasm is a method to turn statements upside-down which my proper friends appreciate and laugh at.

I'm not strongly SA. I'm bold. But whatever I say or do, goes against their grain. I don't fit in. Well, some people don't suit me. A mixture. Rejection is my tipping point

I still don't know how I'd react to someone in need of SA support. I have no experience of an SA person, as far as I know. I would choose to improve something for them. I really don't like to world of 'help'. My principle is that I can help myself, in ALL aspects of life. I generally reject help; it's a statement that I need it, and it becomes a war with me. Aspects of doctors. Giving me some pills for a few weeks to make me well, keep taking others every day for the rest of my life; the reason was because they wanted to take an organ out of me and I'll always need pills after that. I wish I'd said 'no' to that because it's got worse. Of course, I said no, for years. Eventually they got onto me, and gor me to say yes. I find that as interesting. It was. Just one more... dentist referred to hospital for wisdom tooth removal, due to a slight infection they discovered, which was fine the next day! I say 'no' to wisdom extraction every quarter. We meet. If nothing hurts when I get there, I say 'no. The surgeon puts me in the chair and prods around the mouth and pokes to make it hurt. I know the next day it won't. I'm right.

My previous girlfriend would buy a Burger King meal for a homeless person on the street, asking if anyone's got any change? Well that's nice.


Hmm..
The topic of help is a see-saw tipping point
All very nice, normal, mainstream people offer help, naturally. I give it when anyone is lost in town. I do, when I'm in an unknown place.

Homeless asking the public for money, food, or a place to sleep is a bit awkward. These are different between summer and winter. I always have to look at them in the eye, when I'm unemployed or on my way to work in a suit or going home. I don't know what to do

 

[MBinMN]

Invite just a few friends over ... Dinner , games. I know the smaller social events with a handful of people I tend to feel a bit more at ease. The large social events with a lot of people are tough...it's just not something I could do weekly. Perhaps once a month? A compromise?