Beat that social phobia!

A

Array

Active member
I thought i might write this so people could better understand the process i used to fight social phobia!

I decided for one reason or another that i had to beat this thing once and for all because it was ruining my life! I knew i couldn't do it though, if i kept fighting with myself every step of the way. It was hard enough to break out of social phobia without putting myself down all the time! So i had to change that voice in my head from putting me down to supporting myself!

1. Fight against the negative thoughts! Everytime i started to put myself down i yelled back at the thoughts and said the opposite!
Here are some of the examples of the thoughts i used to have
This is stupid and it isn't going to work - It is going to work it takes time!
Im going to be stuck like this forever - I can beat this thing! I can do it!
Its taking to long - I was social phobia for 25 years. I have time
This is me why am i doing this? - It is not me!
Your stupid - Im smart and im going to beat this
I should just kill myself - I might as well give this a good go instead

There were times where i would do this for 20 mins straight back and forth...
It would go like this...
This is stupid -
No its not -
Yes it is, your to stupid to do this, its never going to work. -
It is going to work and its not stupid! I can do this -
It is not going to work give up its a waste of time -
It's not a waste of time, f*** off i don't want these thoughts anymore, im going to beat this thing -
etc.. etc... etc...

The key is to just keep challenging the negative thoughts
It actually took a couple of months to get rid of them. There were times where i gave up for a couple of days and then started it again. After awhile it started to seem natural to combat the thoughts. I didn't notice when the thoughts stopped at first. It was a gradual thing.. the negative thoughts would come less and less. So gradual in fact that i didn't know if it was really working untill it stopped. One day i was walking down the road and i was like hang on a sec... I haven't had any negative thoughts in a while.... They still come every now and again but no where near as powerful or as many as they used to be :)


2. Start working on my social skills
I realized that my social skills were lacking pretty bad! I couldn't talk to anyone or make conversation so i decided to download an ebook about
social skills. Anyway it showed me some body language tips to appear more friendly to people before even initiating the conversation. This was perfect!
I got to break it down into baby steps without throwing myself directly into a conversation untill i felt i was ready! Here are the things i worked on..

I FOCUSED ON ONE THING AT A TIME AND I DID THAT THING UNTIL I FELT COMFORTABLE DOING IT!

I spent about a month doing each step everyday! Once i felt comfortable or felt courageous i added the next step into it.

- Good posture
Stand up tall and straight. Keep your body language open.. Try not to cross any part of your body..

- Eye contact
Everytime i walked past someone make sure you look them directly in the eyes for a couple of seconds.. If it was a female i would look in her eyes until she looked away!

- Smile
Once eye contact is made smile at the person. It makes you feel good and lets you know its working when they smile back at you :)

- Conversation
Just start with a small conversation! Say hello to a stranger as your walking past. Nothing in-depth just one word hello!

- More conversation
Throw in a couple of extra words! Ask them how there day is... Just add one question to the conversation...

Hope that's enough information to get you started! I know its hard.. You will come across awkward along the way.. just remember that your dealing with a big thing.. It's alright if you screw up.. It's alright if you do it wrong.. It's alright if someone don't like you.. Don't give up on yourself!
 
Phoenixx

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Awesome tips, Array :) For the past year now, my body language has gotten noticeably better. Before, whenever I was anxious, I would always cross my arms and I would always be so tense. I never really knew how much body language actually "says" about a person until I read about it. (I hope that sentence makes sense, lol.)

I've also been trying to challenge my thoughts lately. For two days now I've had some pretty positive thoughts and I've actually been accepting myself. :) I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's kinda a big thing for me. Here's hoping it lasts.
 
JamesSmith

JamesSmith

Well-known member
I think this write up was good, but I've done a lot of these things before, and the results left me feeling worse than I did before.

-As for the good posture, that's an excellent idea, and I agree 100% good posture is always a good thing and we should strive to have good posture. It helps you think and feel better and people will believe you are more confident.

-The eye contact thing is okay as long as it's not in excess. Staring at a girl like that until she looks away will creep many women out, and will make you feel like a creep. I've done that b4, and it did not make me feel good about myself, in fact, it made me feel worse. Even if it's a guy, staring at people is rude, and you're probably better off avoiding eye contact if you are planning on staring at people.

-Smiling is something that really backfired on me. I tried the smiling thing and did it to guys and half the guys thought I was gay. One said, "Are you gay?" and another said, "What a f--" to his friend and they laughed it up after I smiled at them. I felt way worse than I did before when I did not smile at people. When I did it to women, almost every time they gave me this look like i was hitting on them and half of them just gave me this look like I was this creepy guy trying to get with them. Smiling is such a situational thing, it works at certain times, and it can really backfire at other times. Considering how shy I am, I don't even understand when to smile so I think it's best if I do it when I'm absolutely sure it's okay to smile.

-As for conversations with strangers, this is probably the hardest thing for shy people to do. I don't really have any objections to this. I have tried this before and the conversations didn't go bad really, but after the conversations I didn't really feel any better. Maybe that's just me? I guess I get so much more out of talking with friends cuz I feel like I can connect more with them. But I could see this working for other people possibly, who knows.

-I've tried talking more. I tried saying as much as I could, and it just ended up exhausting me. I did all i could just to match my friends, and they didn't even notice. When you are asking a shy, introvert to talk as much as they can, you are asking them to do something that's not in their personality. All humans should speak as how ever much makes them feel comfortable. You shouldn't need to torture yourself. Trying too hard is not being relaxed. Whenever I've tried to force conversation I usually said something when I wasn't supposed to and was criticized for it. It's okay to be the quiet type. Be you, don't try to be someone else.

Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are. ~Chinese Proverb
 
mattbarneswillkillu

mattbarneswillkillu

Well-known member
JamesSmith said:
-I've tried talking more. I tried saying as much as I could, and it just ended up exhausting me. I did all i could just to match my friends, and they didn't even notice. When you are asking a shy, introvert to talk as much as they can, you are asking them to do something that's not in their personality. All humans should speak as how ever much makes them feel comfortable. You shouldn't need to torture yourself. Trying too hard is not being relaxed. Whenever I've tried to force conversation I usually said something when I wasn't supposed to and was criticized for it. It's okay to be the quiet type. Be you, don't try to be someone else.

Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are. ~Chinese Proverb
Click to expand...

JamesSmith I couldn't agree with you more. I tried to be "that guy" with everything to say, but thats just not me. Im more reserved by nature and thats who i'm always going to be.
 
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