Are you a people pleaser?

[LoyalXenite]

My dad was kind of abusive growing up. Frequent verbals put downs and "light" beatings from time to time. I wonder if this is where my people pleasing started. I always felt I wasn't good enough for him growing up.

I definitely feel a lot of my issues are rooted in the abuse I experienced in my childhood, amongst other traumas and general shitty experiences. Of all the abuse I've found the verbal/emotional abuse has left the most damage and lingers the most. Especially when its from a parent.

 

[Miserum]

I definitely feel a lot of my issues are rooted in the abuse I experienced in my childhood, amongst other traumas and general shitty experiences. Of all the abuse I've found the verbal/emotional abuse has left the most damage and lingers the most. Especially when its from a parent.

Though I think it's given me some insight into how to not parent. Hopefully I can raise my future children more thoughtfully than my own did.

 

[neurotic-to-the-bone]

Although I definetely relate to feeling less than others in many situations I never considered myself a people pleaser. Mainly because I value honesty and integrity highly so I never felt comfortable pretending to be someone I'm not or saying things I don't mean to please others.

 

[Phoenixx]

My dad was kind of abusive growing up. Frequent verbals put downs and "light" beatings from time to time. I wonder if this is where my people pleasing started. I always felt I wasn't good enough for him growing up.

My perfectionism stems from the verbal abuse I endured growing up from my mother. I constantly felt like I never did anything right, wasn't good enough, didn't look the way she wanted, etc. Hearing those things really screws you up after a while and basically leaves you with no self-esteem. It took me a long time to realize that nothing I ever did, even if it was "perfect", was ever going to be good enough, so I quit caring about meeting her impossible standards. The only way I was going to be happy was to meet my own goals, my own standards, get away and keep her at arm's length. I still struggle though, because I, too, am a perfectionist to an extent mostly because of her. I often don't give myself enough credit for accomplishing the little things, and that is really important in order to achieve the bigger things you want.

 

[Miserum]

Although I definetely relate to feeling less than others in many situations I never considered myself a people pleaser. Mainly because I value honesty and integrity highly so I never felt comfortable pretending to be someone I'm not or saying things I don't mean to please others.

Interesting point. I also value honesty and integrity, but I always feel like I can easily step over the line if I'm too honest. Therefore I tend to censor myself a lot. Though I guess this isn't "people pleasing" necessarily, where I'm trying to gain a person's approval; it's just meant to spare a person's feelings.

 

[neurotic-to-the-bone]

Interesting point. I also value honesty and integrity, but I always feel like I can easily step over the line if I'm too honest. Therefore I tend to censor myself a lot. Though I guess this isn't "people pleasing" necessarily, where I'm trying to gain a person's approval; it's just meant to spare a person's feelings.

Yeah, there is definetely a line to walk there. I'm not blunt in that I will say something hurtful if it's not necessary or my opinion isn't asked for but if asked I will always try to be honest even if it might be uncomfortable.

 

[lilmutegirl]

I echo some of the sentiments shared here. I always considered myself a people-pleaser, but I don't believe I am deceptive. I may keep some things to myself, but typically I don't see a benefit in revealing those. This is mostly in terms of my work relationships. I have some colleagues who are very vocal, and I would prefer not to disagree with them, since I don't want to deal with the potential fallout. I generally don't have strong feelings about things, so I don't feel the need to voice my opinion much, and, even if my preferences aren't the way things turn out, it's fine, so I usually keep my mouth shut. I'm actually in a situation like that right now. We are talking about some changes at work, and a couple of people shared their ideas with me, and I was fine with going along with those, instead of coming up with my own. In my personal life, I avoid controversial topics with friends and family if we disagree. I will literally just not say anything, or make neutral statements if they say anything. In my marriage, I am very open and honest, though I try not to complain too much when I am feeling down.