Anxious about sex with my own husband?

emmasma

Well-known member
Is anyone else anxious about being intimate with long time partners? I used to be OK with him, but now I can not bring myself to come on to him, and I avoid situations where we may be able to. I panic If I am still awake when he gets home at night and pretend to sleep.
I am not able to talk to him about any of my anxieties, he is not a believer in that sort of thing and we are really in a bad spot!
 

Lost Girl

Well-known member
He is not a believer of anxiety? Wow, I feel for you. That would be tough to have what should be your biggest supporter deny the existance of a serious condition that affects your life so much. I wouldn't be suprised if his lack of support or even acknowledgment of what you are suffering is the root of your intimacy problem.
 

pljunkie

Active member
I was like that with my ex boyfriend. I would never initiate anything sexual with him and eventually I even felt anxious about kissing him first. He also had problems dealing with my anxiety and wouldn't believe me when I told him it was my anxiety causing the problem and had nothing to do with how I felt about him.
 

emmasma

Well-known member
Not my anxiety specificaly, just anxieties in general. We have never discussed my issues, I have not discussed it with almost anyone outside of this forum. He comes from a very hard life in a 3rd world country. people do not go around complaining because they can not socialize and I really do not expect much understanding from him if I do bring it up.
 

Noca

Banned
If he doesnt believe in your anxiety when you talk to him, try this. Punch him in the arm, when he says "ow" say "well geez, I dont see any pain... it must not exist!". That should help with his ignorance.
 

Silvox Black

Well-known member
If he is that much of an ignorant dupe then I am truly sorry for you for having somehow chosen him. I would recommend trying to speak to him and allowing him to understand and empathize, but if he is too ignorant to do so, well I'm afraid that the best choice would be to find someone else. It simply is not healthy or beneficial to you to have a husband who will not care for the social and emotional needs of his wife. To me, that shows a pathetic ignorant man.
 

emmasma

Well-known member
O K sorry I put that part in about him not believing in anxiety. that was insensitive of me I see now.
I just wanted to know if people have problems being intimate with their own partners.

In defence of my husband. I have not spoken to him about my anxieties. Therefore he has not been unsupportive of me. He is somewhat not very understanding about untangible complaints that he cannot see. most people are. I did not get much sympathy for being tired while I was pregnant,either, until I was visibly large and uncomfortable. Even though the first 3 months when you do not look pregnant is the worst part for a lot of people.
My husband worked 14 hour days a 12 years old at very hard jobs. He was lucky to eat. He nearly was killed on the job twice (fall from a 3rd story window cleaning, poisoned by pesticieds in a tobacco field), and had malaria at 13 yet was not able to go to a doctor. How do I complain to him about not being albe to mingle? How do I try to tell him that I want to see a doctor when we can hardly pay our bills!? We have very real and tangible problems. Rant over, sorry.
The intimicy problems are mine. He has been trying hard lateley and I know we need to do these things, and it makes us better and more civil when we do. I just can't help but panic and turn out the lights when he pulls in the driveway::(:
 

tucktick

Well-known member
I agree with Silvox on this one. He is your husband and no matter what kind of situation, he should support you. If there is one person you really need to be intimate with, it would be your partner and that's why it hurts, quite natural. So, give it a serious go with him, really talk about it and try to bring him around. If that doesn't work, then I'm afraid, you are knocking on an empty door.
 

Silvox Black

Well-known member
O K sorry I put that part in about him not believing in anxiety. that was insensitive of me I see now.
I just wanted to know if people have problems being intimate with their own partners.

In defence of my husband. I have not spoken to him about my anxieties. Therefore he has not been unsupportive of me. He is somewhat not very understanding about untangible complaints that he cannot see. most people are. I did not get much sympathy for being tired while I was pregnant,either, until I was visibly large and uncomfortable. Even though the first 3 months when you do not look pregnant is the worst part for a lot of people.
My husband worked 14 hour days a 12 years old at very hard jobs. He was lucky to eat. He nearly was killed on the job twice (fall from a 3rd story window cleaning, poisoned by pesticieds in a tobacco field), and had malaria at 13 yet was not able to go to a doctor. How do I complain to him about not being albe to mingle? How do I try to tell him that I want to see a doctor when we can hardly pay our bills!? We have very real and tangible problems. Rant over, sorry.
The intimicy problems are mine. He has been trying hard lateley and I know we need to do these things, and it makes us better and more civil when we do. I just can't help but panic and turn out the lights when he pulls in the driveway::(:

I understand your difficulty in speaking to him of such matters since he has lived a long difficult life, but in my experience, people such as him tend to have pent up rage and anger as well as a complete unwillingness to understand anything emotional or psychological. They are the sort of people who will never acknowledge emotional weakness nor even think about the "meaning of life." They are far too literal and ignorant to be changed. I understand that it must be difficult for you, yet if your husband simply is not able to truly break the stereotype of the strong, silent dominant male, then I would try finding a husband with a better personality and a better heart and mind. I do not deny the fact that he may be attempting what he believes is "emotional intimacy" but he is in a realm completely beyond his reach. He most likely does not even know what love truly is. Do you honestly in your heart believe he is the correct husband for you? It would seem that part of your fear of even trying to be intimate with him spawns from the fact that he is so unable to enjoy such things and truly see the emotional meanings behind such actions unless the emotion is a very basic one. Am I correct in this?
 

emmasma

Well-known member
I understand your difficulty in speaking to him of such matters since he has lived a long difficult life, but in my experience, people such as him tend to have pent up rage and anger as well as a complete unwillingness to understand anything emotional or psychological. They are the sort of people who will never acknowledge emotional weakness nor even think about the "meaning of life." They are far too literal and ignorant to be changed. I understand that it must be difficult for you, yet if your husband simply is not able to truly break the stereotype of the strong, silent dominant male, then I would try finding a husband with a better personality and a better heart and mind. I do not deny the fact that he may be attempting what he believes is "emotional intimacy" but he is in a realm completely beyond his reach. He most likely does not even know what love truly is. Do you honestly in your heart believe he is the correct husband for you? It would seem that part of your fear of even trying to be intimate with him spawns from the fact that he is so unable to enjoy such things and truly see the emotional meanings behind such actions unless the emotion is a very basic one. Am I correct in this?
Some of this I agree with and some I do not. He does fit some of those things but he is also pretty accapting of things to.
Sometimes I can think of nothing more than wishing I could leave, but unfortunately we have 2 kids and are barely able to pay our bills now with 2 workers. It simply would not be financially possible. I also do not think I could survive even the possibility of a custody battle. I am a mom above all and have never been a day without my girls and do not want to.
Thank you all for your encouragement, though, I do not feel like the bad guy as much anymore.
Oh yah, I spent so much time defending him this morning that I felt silly about the whole original post so I just went ahead and ******* him:rolleyes: and we had a decent day:)
 

Emily_G

Well-known member
Is anyone else anxious about being intimate with long time partners? I used to be OK with him, but now I can not bring myself to come on to him, and I avoid situations where we may be able to. I panic If I am still awake when he gets home at night and pretend to sleep.
I am not able to talk to him about any of my anxieties, he is not a believer in that sort of thing and we are really in a bad spot!

Wow, I'm really sorry. I feel 100% comfortable with my husband...so I'm very thankful to not be going through this.

Is he open to going to counseling with you? And if not, maybe you should look into it for yourself.
 

emmasma

Well-known member
Thanks Emily G. I am considering counsiling myself,thats why I am back here in this forum to get in my "sp fixing mindset". He might go along with it, but it would be complicated by the fact that he speaks limited English, and my Spanish is not 100% so we would need a bilingual counseler. (that is another level of our communication problem I forgot to mention).
Maybe it's not as much related to my anxiety as I was thinking. I guess marriage takes alot of work for the best of em.
 
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Lost Girl

Well-known member
No, I think it is likely to be related to your SA. And I'm sorry for my post before, it may have come across like I was attacking your husband - I apologize for that. There are alot of 'no-nonsense, black and white' types out there, and certainly some in my life that I would not even attempt to tell about my SA, but that does not make them bad people.
It would be hard to not have that support though. I agree with Emily and think you should look into some counselling to help with this intimacy problem. Cost sounds like it may be an issue, so perhaps look around to see if there is a community clinic in your area that provides free counselling?
 
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