Anxiety over certain things with my girlfriend

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limjorino

Member
Hey everyone. Well, I'm sort of new here, sort of not. I used to post here a couple years back when my anxiety and depression was really swinging at me full force, but I got out of that slump (and also lost 170 pounds in the process of it :D), and moved on for a good amount of time.

That brings us to now, where I have a girlfriend, who I love very much and have never felt this way about anyone before in my life. I can, for the most part, be myself around her... but for some reason, I have this reoccuring fear. I have a fear that if I don't make her laugh enough or smile all the time that she's going to get bored with me and want to move on to another guy. She tells me that she loves me and that she's never been so happy with anyone, but I just constantly feel like I need to be at the top of my game. It's to the point where before I pick her up, I make little lists on my phone of things I want to spring up into some conversations in hopes to make her stay content with me.

Now I know this is irrational... because I've talked about it briefly with her before, and she's told me that she loves me for who I am and it doesn't matter that I'm not perfect all the time. However, it doesn't change the way my mind is working in this situation...

Another issue is that sometimes when we're around a big group of people, I feel like if I'm not involved in every conversation she's in (specifically with guys), I'm going to lose her to them. I feel like if someone else makes her laugh or smile, she's going to find them better than me. Even some of my CLOSE FRIENDS I feel this way about. It's really disturbingly jealous on my part, and I NEED to overcome this.

There is a reason for me thinking like this, however. I've had bad experiences in the past with girls where I've been walked all over, and I actually found out my last girlfriend was sending nude pictures to another guy behind my back... which, needless to say, broke my heart at the time. The last time I hung out with that girl, I was very quiet and not talking much or making jokes/being clever, etc... and after that last time we hung out is when we broke up. Thus, I feel like that experience may have been what affected me a lot and made me feel this way.

Sorry for blabbing... but I guess my question is, does anyone else have similar experiences when it comes to anxiety and jealousy like this in relationships?
 
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limjorino

Member
Also, I forgot to mention another reoccuring thought. I'm constantly overanalyzing every moment we have and thinking 'what if she wouldve enjoyed this more with someone else?', or ''what if I'm just not meant for her?', or ''what if we're just doomed to break up?''. Now, if there was a serious reason to be upset with her, these things might be more rational, but there honestly isn't. Its all my mind messing with me.
 
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limjorino

Member
EvilFlyingCow said:
Go against your instincts. The more needy and insecure you become, the less attractive you will become.
Click to expand...

So example: If I'm feeling like I should text her right away, I should wait til later or wait til she starts things up? Or if I'm feeling like I need to say something to make her smile out of nowhere, I should wait until the right moment instead?
 
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Kinetik

Well-known member
It does sound like your girlfriend is devoted to you and is happy, which is great, and I applaud you for putting so much effort into your relationship. But what I think you need to try and do is boost your own self-image and say to yourself "no matter what happens in this relationship, I will not let it destroy me" because right now you're letting it define your happiness which is a very precarious position to put yourself in.

I do understand that it's very hard to keep a certain emotional distance, but I think it's best if you accept that we can't always control all possible outcomes in life, especially when it comes to other people. I think letting go and fully accepting this is one of the hardest things we'll ever have to do.

Behaviorally, I do agree with FlyingCow on a very basic level, but the lack of neediness has to be borne out of self-love and a genuine desire to maintain your own hobbies and interests. It shouldn't be some artificial construct that you throw up for the sake of playing it cool. I guess what it comes down to is you making sure you live life for yourself and that you don't live through her. Keep your own agenda and budget time for you.

So what do you like to do that doesn't involve her? What do you wish you had more time for? Think about things like this, and try to love yourself more than you love her. She should complement your life, not consume it. Once you're able to draw some emotional lines in the sand, you can see her more as a welcome addition rather than an absolute necessity.

Beyond that, trust that she is with you because she likes you and realize that you don't need to maintain an act. Things will go precisely as they are meant to and even if this doesn't work out, know that there is a much greater purpose to your life.
 
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Newtype

Newtype

Well-known member
It's not a good idea to let your relationship put this kind of pressure on yourself. What that girl did to you in the past was disgusting, but you need to understand that it wasn't your fault. I really don't think the way you behaved in your relationship with her is what made her wake up in the morning and decide to send nude pictures of herself to another guy. There are good guys, there are bad guys. There are good girls, there are bad girls. Unfortunately for you, she was a bad girl.

You need to give your current girlfriend a chance. Don't fear that she will do something similar to you. It's unfair for her if you do. Also, if you stress like that over your relationship, soon you won't see your relationship as a happy thing anymore. What's worse, you might become intimidated by her. Don't mind others. It's the time that she spends alone with you that counts. Let go of the past.
 
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socialorphan

Member
I went through the exact opposite of what your going through. I thought that if I said too much I would be coming on too strong and she would get put off.

Of course she started to feel ignored and the relationship fell apart. In hindsight there is probably a happy medium here as far as too much attention or too little.
 
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