Anouther Dating Discussion

[chris11]

Hey there. I, like many of you, have never dated. Of course, I think that a romantic relationship is something that would be worth having--it's part of the human experiance that we will have been impoverished not to have had at some point in our lives. But, honestly, what are we supposed to do? It's not like (most of us, anyways) have great social resources to muster whenever we feel like it would be a good idea to talk to someone.
Indeed, instead of talking to someone, facing the, well, let's face it, likley ,possibility of rejection, we just avoid the situation entirely. Unfortunantly, most people are not so tollerant of people with mental health issues, and, even when they're sussfully treated, they have overt residues. What do we do?!!!

 

[JamesSmith]

Personally, I think I'm nowhere near being relationship-ready. I think someone has to have a social life before they have a romantic life. And also, I don't go to college and am unemployed. That's all the more reason to know my place, which should probably be off the dating market.

I guess you could find someone who is just as much of a loner as you are. Then maybe both of you are okay with never having friends? The problem with that is it would be extremely difficult to find someone like that. First, you'd be looking for someone you think is attractive and has SAD, which would mean you'd be looking for lower than 4% of women, which sounds really tough. Then you'd have to find this girl which which would even more difficult considering she is a hermit and doesn't like to go out often, if ever. And after I see what I've broken down here, if you try to take this path of finding a girl that is just like you, your odds are against you pretty heavy.

Anyway, ignoring my ramble, if you want to find a girl it means going out of your comfort zone and taking on some serious pain. Finding a girlfriend means it's pretty important to have friends. Women tend to not be attracted to the loner guy that is by himself all of the time.

You've got your online dating you could try, or if you got the guts to go out, bars/clubs are obviously hot spots to meet women. Churches, group activities, parties, and any other kind of social event that involves women would be a good bet to try to hook up with a woman.

 

[DangerEchidna]

Find someone local on a forum like this. Talk to them a lot on here. Get comfortable enough with them to talk on the phone eventually. If you do decide to meet, you'll know a lot more about each other and can possibly avoid some awkward icebreaking.

Or just stay in and play PS3. The opposite sex always cause problems, really. Your future self would thank you.

 

[Felgen]

Try online dating. Even if the girls there are picky as all f*ck, they tend to be understanding of a guys issues regarding shyness, anxiety and so on.

 

[Beatrice]

I know what you mean.... I've thought of this dilemma myself. And I agree with the comment about needing a social life before you date. Absolutely, for MANY reasons (emotional support, second opinions, looking like you have a life lol, etc...). This is why I'm so afraid that I'll always be alone even though I'm reasonably attractive (well, most of me... except for what I hate about myself :/ and only with makeup and nice clothes :/). The desire for love, though, makes me think I want a boyfriend but what I reallly want are FRIENDS.... other humans to just share company and hug and laugh with.... *sigh*

 

[coyote]

Hey there. I, like many of you, have never dated. Of course, I think that a romantic relationship is something that would be worth having--it's part of the human experiance that we will have been impoverished not to have had at some point in our lives. But, honestly, what are we supposed to do? It's not like (most of us, anyways) have great social resources to muster whenever we feel like it would be a good idea to talk to someone.
Indeed, instead of talking to someone, facing the, well, let's face it, likley ,possibility of rejection, we just avoid the situation entirely. Unfortunantly, most people are not so tollerant of people with mental health issues, and, even when they're sussfully treated, they have overt residues. What do we do?!!!

the bold part - that's the problem

1. the only way to develop the "great social resources" to muster is to practice, practice, practice. And then try practicing, too.

2. admittedly, this is not fool proof - you may encounter rejection. this happens to everyone, including all the people without any social anxiety. you have to decide whether it's worth it. which is worse: a. having someone tell you no, but moving on and potentially finding someone who says yes; or b. being alone for the rest of your life? life is all about choices - you can't wish it to be different - you have to take action, or inaction - the outcome is based on the choices you make. choose to face your fear or choose to be alone - it's your call.

3. you are making the assumption that rejection is likely - based on what? you just admitted you don't have much experience, right? so how can you be so sure what the outcome is going to be? this is obviously a self-defeating view you have of yourself, and it will continue to be a self-fulfilling prophecy until you find a way to eliminate the idea. My recommendation is to see point #1. above. By facing your fears and finding out the danger is not as bad as you thought, you will gain confidence and a better view of yourself and your potential - that alone will make you more attractive to others, and the ripples in the pond will continue to grow

seriously, it is totally within your power to change

you can do it

 

[DanFC]

the bold part - that's the problem

1. the only way to develop the "great social resources" to muster is to practice, practice, practice. And then try practicing, too.

2. admittedly, this is not fool proof - you may encounter rejection. this happens to everyone, including all the people without any social anxiety. you have to decide whether it's worth it. which is worse: a. having someone tell you no, but moving on and potentially finding someone who says yes; or b. being alone for the rest of your life? life is all about choices - you can't wish it to be different - you have to take action, or inaction - the outcome is based on the choices you make. choose to face your fear or choose to be alone - it's your call.

3. you are making the assumption that rejection is likely - based on what? you just admitted you don't have much experience, right? so how can you be so sure what the outcome is going to be? this is obviously a self-defeating view you have of yourself, and it will continue to be a self-fulfilling prophecy until you find a way to eliminate the idea. My recommendation is to see point #1. above. By facing your fears and finding out the danger is not as bad as you thought, you will gain confidence and a better view of yourself and your potential - that alone will make you more attractive to others, and the ripples in the pond will continue to grow

seriously, it is totally within your power to change

you can do it

Because nobody can stand to be more than a few minutes with me? Tacking on that the longest conversation I've ever had since my "onset" of SA years ago, even the few times I was actually hyped to talk, was about just as long and people are uncomfortable at just the sight of me, it's unreasonable to expect anyone to actually spend an extensive amount of time with me

 

[layeazy]

lifes too short too worry i think you should find the courage inside you that flame thats burning and just go for it..

I have a friend who doesn't suffer social phobia and he just sits in a cafe with a coffee at the entrace of a big shopping mall and he just walks up and chats to the girls and most of the time he does get rejected but doesnt take it personally he just moves on their loss in his mind..

give it a try i did and really enjoyed the experience and have meet a couple of girls that way.

 

[coyote]

Because nobody can stand to be more than a few minutes with me? Tacking on that the longest conversation I've ever had since my "onset" of SA years ago, even the few times I was actually hyped to talk, was about just as long and people are uncomfortable at just the sight of me, it's unreasonable to expect anyone to actually spend an extensive amount of time with me

many of us have very unrealistic negative views of ourselves

and unrealistic expectations of the world around us and the people in it

and we assume we know how the people we encounter feel about us

I can't say that you are not correct in your assessment of your own situation, but I highly doubt that you are being as objective as you think you are

regardless, I'm sorry that you feel that way about yourself - for whatever reason it may be - I know it sucks

i still believe that you're not going to feel any BETTER about yourself by hiding away and avoiding people

so you might as well try socializing and see where it leads - what have you got to lose?

 

[DanFC]

many of us have very unrealistic negative views of ourselves

and unrealistic expectations of the world around us and the people in it

and we assume we know how the people we encounter feel about us

I can't say that you are not correct in your assessment of your own situation, but I highly doubt that you are being as objective as you think you are

regardless, I'm sorry that you feel that way about yourself - for whatever reason it may be - I know it sucks

i still believe that you're not going to feel any BETTER about yourself by hiding away and avoiding people

so you might as well try socializing and see where it leads - what have you got to lose?

The (possible) illusion of self-respect XD I can kind of deal with the fact that no one would want me, but just the act of asking to me is equivalent to bending over, lol, regardless of whether how crazy that may sound

Anyways, if someone is at least average looking with an okay personality, your words probably ring true.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

many of us have very unrealistic negative views of ourselves

and unrealistic expectations of the world around us and the people in it

and we assume we know how the people we encounter feel about us

I can't say that you are not correct in your assessment of your own situation, but I highly doubt that you are being as objective as you think you are

regardless, I'm sorry that you feel that way about yourself - for whatever reason it may be - I know it sucks

i still believe that you're not going to feel any BETTER about yourself by hiding away and avoiding people

so you might as well try socializing and see where it leads - what have you got to lose?

This. Well said Coyote, as always. I did the avoid thing for 2 years. Except when had to aka school. It was worst time of my life, Im just getting out of that rut. Avoiding quells anxiety short-term, but a disaster long-term.

 

[coyote]

The (possible) illusion of self-respect XD I can kind of deal with the fact that no one would want me, but just the act of asking to me is equivalent to bending over, lol, regardless of whether how crazy that may sound

Anyways, if someone is at least average looking with an okay personality, your words probably ring true.

in order to get what you want out of the world, you have to meet it half way

scared or not, eventually you have to put yourself out there

even the smartest, most talented, best looking, most charming people can't expect the rest of the world to come beating down their door totally unsolicited

i know.... I've been waiting 40 years for that to happen

 

[A friend]

Hey there. I, like many of you, have never dated. Of course, I think that a romantic relationship is something that would be worth having--it's part of the human experiance that we will have been impoverished not to have had at some point in our lives. But, honestly, what are we supposed to do? It's not like (most of us, anyways) have great social resources to muster whenever we feel like it would be a good idea to talk to someone.
Indeed, instead of talking to someone, facing the, well, let's face it, likley ,possibility of rejection, we just avoid the situation entirely. Unfortunantly, most people are not so tollerant of people with mental health issues, and, even when they're sussfully treated, they have overt residues. What do we do?!!!

Well, before I give my opinion (or anything like that), I want to ask this....

Does being single make you depressed?

 

[NamiraWilhelm]

I have had relationships, but theyve all started by the other person showing interest first and pretty much pressing the matter. If im not interested ive tended to steer clear and hope that sends the message, if i am i let them keep doing the work!

The way i see a relationship is its simply a bonus, its not the be all and end all, so if it happens it happens. If it doesnt, eh. Ive got other issues to deal with. I think that relaxed attitude toward them has helped me within them.

Unfortunately your issues will no doubt effect the relationship even a little bit, but thats why its important to find someone who understands.

Honestly, take your time. Dont think you have to excuse yourself for your behaviour that arises from your issues, like being stand offish or slightly defensive. Of course thats better if you've been honest with them, i know thats hard but distant type forms of communication can be great i.e text and email

Dont rush into anything and just let being comfortable around that person be the first step of that relationship.

As for obtaining a possible love interest (coming from a social-phobic person) its all too easy to say "What have you got to lose!" Because we all know it so doesnt work like that, in our heads there are lots to lose. We have to meet new people in order to do this, and its really pure luck for us i guess! But it DOES happen

 

[Kinetik]

I think that if you really want a relationship you have to focus on that and prioritize all your social energy into it by actively seeking one out. Re-direct all the pent-up loneliness into positive action, get out into the real world, and just make it happen. That's how it went for me, in any case. All the times I spent sitting at home avoiding friends while growing up recharged me to the point that I actually did feel ready to date once I hit a certain age. It's like I couldn't muster enough energy/courage to maintain lots of friendships, but I figured if I could combine everything I wanted (companionship, intimacy, a future etc) in a single person, then that would be manageable.

So in every relationship I've had, the girl has been my everything, which of course, is never really a good idea, but due to my inability to maintain other (platonic) friendships it became a kind of inevitability. In those relationships there was lots of togetherness and I've had a lot of fun in most of them, but then when we broke up it made things tough because I had no friends to fall back on, and I was thrown back into a state of isolation each time. That's the downside to all this, but then again, if it all works out, you've found your happily ever after.