chatterbox71
Active member
Hi, All. Am so hoping this forum can become my social "safe place" when other parts of the world are just too much to bear.
I think if you met me outside of my home, you would not detect I had any problems. I think most people find me very approachable, easy to strike up a conversation with, and, in many cases, someone with whom they can confide if not develop a friendship.
At home, I'm pretty much a mess--and live IN a mess. Sometimes, I'm on top of things, and the house is in good shape and pleasant to spend time in. Others--usually when I am overwhelmed either by deadlines or with worry--I let everything go . . . dishes, laundry, general upkeep. The cats (of course there are cats, right?!) always get fed and watered and played with and loved; sometimes I wonder if I could muster up all that for a human child.
All of the above has been part of my life for some time. I was drawn to this list because of the frequency with which I've felt panicky in recent weeks/the last month or so. I think it's in part ironically due to the fact that I am taking a developmental psychology course and seeing a fairly good therapist--and so I am becoming more aware of what I missed out on, rearing wise, and how I stray from the norm (in ways I don't want to).
One of my greatest challenges is speaking up for myself and others--something I do regularly--AND THEN not feeling like a fragile thing, afraid of what the response will be (Sometimes, I wait days before opening an e-mail or before returning a call.). I can feel SO HURT by comments that others would shrug off, and I am sick of it. I think this stems from feeling like no one ever has my back even though I feel like I have others'. I feel a little like a feral human, even though on the surface I don't appear that way, have good manners, etc. My dad died suddenly when I was just 10, my mother pretty much lost it after that, I spent a lot of time alone growing up, and most long-distance family I cherished growing up has either passed away or really doesn't behave "like family". In many ways, my marriage is strong--but in many other ways, our relationship is not what it could be. I have zero relationship with my in-laws. I've had good friends--was popular in college--but perhaps now, in early middle-age (early 40s), when so many are "settled down", I don't fit the mold and have a hard time maintaining such ties.
As much of this introduction is "oh-woe-is-me", I think what would help me the most is just knowing one or two of you out there were cheering me on when things got tough. I would love to return the favor, as well, of course!
Thanks for reading this far, those of you who have.
Have a good night's rest!
I think if you met me outside of my home, you would not detect I had any problems. I think most people find me very approachable, easy to strike up a conversation with, and, in many cases, someone with whom they can confide if not develop a friendship.
At home, I'm pretty much a mess--and live IN a mess. Sometimes, I'm on top of things, and the house is in good shape and pleasant to spend time in. Others--usually when I am overwhelmed either by deadlines or with worry--I let everything go . . . dishes, laundry, general upkeep. The cats (of course there are cats, right?!) always get fed and watered and played with and loved; sometimes I wonder if I could muster up all that for a human child.
All of the above has been part of my life for some time. I was drawn to this list because of the frequency with which I've felt panicky in recent weeks/the last month or so. I think it's in part ironically due to the fact that I am taking a developmental psychology course and seeing a fairly good therapist--and so I am becoming more aware of what I missed out on, rearing wise, and how I stray from the norm (in ways I don't want to).
One of my greatest challenges is speaking up for myself and others--something I do regularly--AND THEN not feeling like a fragile thing, afraid of what the response will be (Sometimes, I wait days before opening an e-mail or before returning a call.). I can feel SO HURT by comments that others would shrug off, and I am sick of it. I think this stems from feeling like no one ever has my back even though I feel like I have others'. I feel a little like a feral human, even though on the surface I don't appear that way, have good manners, etc. My dad died suddenly when I was just 10, my mother pretty much lost it after that, I spent a lot of time alone growing up, and most long-distance family I cherished growing up has either passed away or really doesn't behave "like family". In many ways, my marriage is strong--but in many other ways, our relationship is not what it could be. I have zero relationship with my in-laws. I've had good friends--was popular in college--but perhaps now, in early middle-age (early 40s), when so many are "settled down", I don't fit the mold and have a hard time maintaining such ties.
As much of this introduction is "oh-woe-is-me", I think what would help me the most is just knowing one or two of you out there were cheering me on when things got tough. I would love to return the favor, as well, of course!
Thanks for reading this far, those of you who have.
Have a good night's rest!
