Accepting the Inevitable, Without Becoming Bitter

[Avery]

Giving up is easy, hoping for something is easy but actually making a change
out of own free will is hard.

That's the truth, but I think giving up such a major aspect of life (love, sex, etc.) in favor of others is difficult in and of itself. Maybe I'm just a boring guy, but I honestly don't know what to do with all my time.

I don't mean to sound cruel ..if I come across this way then so be it ...!!

I cannot believe how many of you are willing to throw the towel in ( give up) and just accept that this is it ...no sex , no love , no kids , no friends.

I know it seems weak and cowardly to give up, and I appreciate your concern (and your own success over OCD), but sometimes it just makes sense to cut your losses and focus on other aspects of life. I probably *could* get a girl if I really tried; but it's going to take constant effort on my part, a willingness to behave in a way completely counter to my natural instinct (something I feel I should not have to do), and above all, it would require me to lower my standards for personal behavior for who I deem date-worthy, as I've been told my current standards are unrealistically high (though I fulfill those standards myself, so I'm not sure I agree). It's too much.

Living without love or sex doesn't have to mean despair -- it just takes a new mindset to refocus one's energy and attentions.

I wonder what you mean by "..to find comfort or joy in other, lesser things"
It's all about the person, I suppose. But I see far more things as being joyful or comfortable than marriage/kids. That doesn't always have to be the end-all joy of life.

I'm a family man, I guess; from adolescence onward I saw myself as an eventual father. Raising a loving family is, to me, the whole point -- dating and marriage and raising children go hand-in-hand in my mind. I'd never date a girl who didn't want children (and nor would I ever adopt kids). I'm all-or-nothing about it, for better or worse.

So it's not something I want just because I'm supposed to, but something I've wanted early on in my life. I'm slowly coming to terms with the reality that it's probably not happening, though.

If I meet a great girl and get married and have kids...then awesome. If I live the rest of my life without another soul on the planet by my side...then awesome.

That's the best way to look at it, no doubt. Accept what comes along, and make the most of it.

I think bitterness will always be there, if one feels that being alone is something which stems from negative circumstances rather than choice. Most people won't choose to be alone, but because of certain circumstances, some they control and others they don't, there reality is faced with overcoming something really difficult in order to find companionship. So we are forced to face our own fears of trying to become a person we are not accustomed to, or just give up and be lonely. Loneliness is always the easier option.

As for me, I'm not really sure I can overcome my shyness. It's inbred. I don't know how not to be shy, therefore to face my fear of being friendly and initiating communication is really difficult. I must admit it's just easier to give up or hope for a miracle. A miracle being that someone else decides to initiate communication and accepts my inability at doing so. So many things need to be perfect for such a thing to occur. So I just look at others as if we are separated by an invisible barrier. They on one side, me on the other. They have each other, I have myself

What a well-written post.

I agree completely on the near-impossibility of overcoming deeply-ingrained shyness. The worst to me would be to find someone at long last, either miraculously or through much effort, only to have them leave. I'm not sure I could survive a fall from that height.

 

[Pookah]

Why never adopt? If I can eventually afford my own I can afford a child who is here already.

 

[garry29]

I've become a bitter person because of these reasons but I don't really care if it's possible to live life without becoming embittered by these reasons either to be honest. ::

 

[Avery]

Why never adopt? If I can eventually afford my own I can afford a child who is here already.

It's hard to explain, but I don't think I could ever feel as close to a child that wasn't genetically mine. Even with my brothers -- who I played a big part in raising, who are my own flesh and blood, and who I'm closer to than anyone -- there's something missing, paternally-speaking.

It would be awful to adopt a child yet never feel like its parent, or to have a genetic child after adopting one, and feel differently towards them. No child deserves that, and I won't trust myself with either of those scenarios.

If it's something you plan on doing though, more power to you. There are more than enough children who need loving parents.

 

[Pookah]

It's hard to explain, but I don't think I could ever feel as close to a child that wasn't genetically mine. Even with my brothers -- who I played a big part in raising, who are my own flesh and blood, and who I'm closer to than anyone -- there's something missing, paternally-speaking.

It would be awful to adopt a child yet never feel like its parent, or to have a genetic child after adopting one, and feel differently towards them. No child deserves that, and I won't trust myself with either of those scenarios.

If it's something you plan on doing though, more power to you. There are more than enough children who need loving parents.

That is interesting. I hope your genetic children don't turn out other than how you expect then.

 

[Avery]

That is interesting. I hope your genetic children don't turn out other than how you expect then.

Not sure I follow you...

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I feel like a parent to my cats.

My relation to them genetically is...not so close.

 

[Avery]

I feel like a parent to my cats.

My relation to them genetically is...not so close.

At least you've got that whole mammal thing going on.

 

[worrywort]

I'm just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this. Is it possible to accept being forever dateless or friendless, etc., without becoming embittered?

yea definitely! I think the solution is gratitude.

The problem is our envious desires. There are many things we desire in this world but we can't always get what we want. The solution, I believe, is to not focus on what we don't have, but to be thankful for the things we do have. If I compare myself with people that have more than me, I'll begin to feel like I'm missing out, that I'm unlucky somehow, that life isn't fair. But if I compare myself to people who have less than me, or even to the animals, the ants and the slugs, I begin to realise how lucky I am to even be experiencing this thing called life. It's the "when, then" syndrome; When I find a girl/boyfriend, then I'll be happy....when I get a good job, then I'll be happy....etc. But this cycle will never end unless we learn to be thankful for what we have right now.