Accepting the Inevitable, Without Becoming Bitter

[Avery]

It's been over half a year since this thread was last posted in, but I think it makes more sense to resurrect it than to post this elsewhere.

I've encountered more difficulties (re: fulfilling the thread title) than I did at first. During the fall of '09 I attained the peace that I wanted, largely thanks to attending college that semester with my brother and a friend of ours, but this past spring semester I transferred to a new uni, sans comrades, and the old problems resurfaced, coupled with a newfound difficulty in completing my coursework.

On the whole, I've learned a few things worth knowing for anyone who plans to accept perpetual romantic solitude without the bitterness or resurgent 'hope' that prove so destructive.

1) Success in other areas of life can seriously allay the pain of loneliness. I've lost forty pounds since October of last year, placing me within the normal BMI range. It does have a positive effect on the psyche. It's no boon to my dating career -- because I haven't and won't pursue a relationship -- but the limited pride I glean from the accomplishment, coupled with my decent academic success, does improve my day-to-day mood.

2) This should come as no surprise, but friends and family members are a great help. Romantic solitude does not necessarily entail social solitude. I feel for those without anyone at all, because I have a far easier time (especially in public) if I have someone enjoyable with me.

3) Peers = bad, unless they're good friends. I'm fine with people outside of my age range, but around my peers the self-consciousness and insecurities spring forth in full force. Avoidance is the only successful method I've found.

4) New places = bad. Related to number 3. My transfer to a new school prompted hopes of new and different people (esp. girls) with which to interact. "Maybe this time it'll be different!" the hope voice says, try though you might to strangle it. It never is different, and the new uni wasn't.

One final point, though this is one that only applies to me and the very few like me: I always assumed that I would be the one and only of the girl I would meet and marry, and that she would be mine. Perhaps I'm simply a hopeless romantic, but as someone whose romantic and sexual experience is exactly zero, I had (almost unconsciously) expected to share every gradually greater step of that experience with another neophyte. But at my age (23) the girls of my peer group are overwhelmingly well-versed in the finer points of carnal knowledge -- I'd be lucky to find a girl who hasn't been plumbed by a half-a-dozen different guys, much less one new to romance entirely. That's something I'd just have to accept if I decided to pursue a relationship, but as I doubt I could ever get over it, it's just another reason to abandon all false hope in favor of perpetual solitude.

 

[Hadron]

I'm already accepting this fact...

I'm not bitter about this or anything, though. I mean, even if I do feel a tad uncomfortable about it sometimes, it's only because of my reproductive instincts, that push me to feel this way.

The whole point in life, from the point of view of a biologist, is to survive for as long as you possibly could, and in that time spread your genes all over the place. Everything that we feel and do is in order to achieve these two fundamental goals of all living things. It's no wonder then that it's not easy to accept something that goes completely against your nature.

 

[Redskinsfan]

I'm a bitter person and i'm 28.

Same here on both counts

 

[Redskinsfan]

Ironically enough, I have been studious my entire life. Throughout high school, and in college back in 1992. I've aced every semester as well. I was the "nerd", sort of... Now I am back in college, once again... Thanks to a crappy economy, I have had to change careers. I once again see all the gorgeous "girls" that I avoided when I was younger. I avoided them, because it was easier to accept defeat, than to attempt anything and be made a fool for it. Every class so far I have aced as well. Although, I have no time for exercise. I'm fat, out of shape, and I have persistent asthma. That prevents me from doing all the physical things that I would like to do.... Doesn't stop me from obsessing over all the pretty girls in the school though. I have wanted a gf since I was 10 years old.... And I STILL hear people tell me: "It'll happen one day" "She's out there, somewhere waiting for you..." " Don't give up hope....keep trying..." I say, trying???? WTF? I can't! I can't try, out of fear, extreme fear, debilitating fear. Besides, all those girls that I see are "GIRLS" and I am old enough to be their father, which really sickens me. Almost all those "girls" have more experience romantically than I do. How weird is that? Sorry for rambling... Just very frustrating, and depressing.

I really feel for you and hope things get better. Remember that there is someone out there for everybody. I know it sounds cliche', but it's true.

 

[highwire]

Dude get yoself out to a bar and bang. If not hire some hookers. It's better to get an experience than none at all and live the rest of your life knowing nothing, doing nothing, being nothing. Oh and i suggest this in the safest way possible. Be smart use protection. Spread of stds is fairly easy, but with proper protection and intelligence, your chances are null alright? One person more with STDs has an exponential potential to spread to countless others.

 

[Marletta]

Avery-
You will find your way somehow. I'm a loner and I married a loner. It happens. You will find someone. Please don't be "actively" resigned to your situation. You will find someone when you least expect it. Also, dont be consumed with trying to fit in and be social when you are not really equipped for that. Just go with the flow.
I do caution you with one thing. Do not rely upon the other person for your happiness and entertainment. This causes a unnecessary strain in the relationship.

 

[Liberty]

I'm just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this. Is it possible to accept being forever dateless or friendless, etc., without becoming embittered?

To put a personal spin on the topic, I'm a 22-year-old avoidant, love-shy (if you accept the validity of that signifier) virgin, and bar some miracle or self-transformation I'll probably always be this way. What I want is to be able to accept the fact that this is who I am without becoming an embittered *******. As it stands, a naive hope nags at me every now and then that I'll find someone or that things will get better -- hope that inevitably becomes despair when another identical day/week/month/year races by.

I don't want the damn hope, but I don't want the bitterness that comes with forsaking it. Maybe I'm asking for the impossible, but I just want a peaceful acceptance of what for me is likely inevitable. I want to accept that I'll never have a girlfriend/get married/have kids as comfortably as I can accept that I'll never be an astronaut or a pro quarterback or the president. Then maybe I can move on and find comfort and joy in other, lesser things.

I'm sure some others can relate in one way or another. Any thoughts?

Well, I'm in your position at 27 and I'm already bitter as ****. I can't even hide it anymore, it's just sunken into my soul. Like you know how you know and feel things on a subconscious or unconscious level? That's where it is. My inner subconscious brain is ****ing pissed. lol

 

[Avery]

Avery-
You will find your way somehow. I'm a loner and I married a loner. It happens. You will find someone. Please don't be "actively" resigned to your situation. You will find someone when you least expect it.

I appreciate the kind words, even if I don't fully agree with them. Most people find a significant other, but some -- including some on this board -- will live out their days alone. It's a shame, but I think it's a reality that must be acknowledged if never embraced. I know it seems weird to be actively resigned, but I'd rather be willfully alone than bitterly so, and for me, at least, there's at least a fair chance of the latter.

I am glad that you found someone, and wish the same for others.

Wow I think exactly the same way! just with a change of gender. Might have to lower some standards to make it more possible to be in a relationship, but it sure is a struggle to get over it since it is a very valued preference for me. I'll hang on to it for a little longer though haha and will always be a romantic at heart.

A "very valued preference" is a great way to put it. I'm not sure if it's something I could ever get over. I don't exactly go around asking other people their relationship histories, but the inkling that a girl has been romantically/sexually active pretty much kills whatever attraction I might have for them. It's pretty odd to most people, I'm sure -- I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from.

Keep being a romantic. I hope you find someone deserving of you.

Lets just make life abit easier for ourselves and accept that it's a possibility we might end up alone (satisfying our somewhat logical side) but do not give up yet and continue hoping for the best (providing ourselves with positive feelings which is always a plus).
Coz if you look at the overall picture of this dilema you would realize that it's all left to chances, possibilities and no certainty at all, since we arn't psychics

That's a wise and prudent way to look at it. It's difficult to chart a course between hope and realism, though. Any hope at all seems to morph into bitterness as time goes by, as evidenced in this very thread.

I try to find the positives in solitude to keep the doldrums away. It's cheaper, for one thing: I wouldn't date without the ultimate goal of marriage and (many!) kids, so I tell myself I'll be able to buy all the tech/books/video games/DVDs I'll ever need by remaining solo. It works, sometimes.

 

[Avery]

Well, I'm in your position at 27 and I'm already bitter as ****. I can't even hide it anymore, it's just sunken into my soul. Like you know how you know and feel things on a subconscious or unconscious level? That's where it is. My inner subconscious brain is ****ing pissed. lol

That's sad to hear. ::

I won't tell you to keep trying, or that you'll find someone, because I have no idea about your personal situation. I can only suggest (and hope) that you find worthwhile interests through which you can find some sort of meaning.

 

[stryker]

Dude I'm 31 now. I'm so bitter and mad that I can't be normal. I have no friends, no girl, nothing. I will just work, be mad, depressed and die. I never learned tha skills I need now growing up to even have a chance. I just lash out in silence. But some people get lucky. That person is not me. Good luck.

 

[Spike Lee]

I think it's damn near impossible to not become bitter.


this bitterness thing just recently happened to me within the last year or so.

it's inevitable.

 

[redhead042]

I think i'd be ok with that as long as i didn't have to worry about money. my dog is my best friend and keeps my going (lame i know but i love him)

 

[Felgen]

I really feel for you and hope things get better. Remember that there is someone out there for everybody. I know it sounds cliche', but it's true.

There's 1,05 young men for every young woman -- so no, there's not one for everybody. If we rule out the least attractive women, there's even less for each guy.

 

[Bama_Heath]

I'm just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this. Is it possible to accept being forever dateless or friendless, etc., without becoming embittered?

To put a personal spin on the topic, I'm a 22-year-old avoidant, love-shy (if you accept the validity of that signifier) virgin, and bar some miracle or self-transformation I'll probably always be this way. What I want is to be able to accept the fact that this is who I am without becoming an embittered *******. As it stands, a naive hope nags at me every now and then that I'll find someone or that things will get better -- hope that inevitably becomes despair when another identical day/week/month/year races by.

I don't want the damn hope, but I don't want the bitterness that comes with forsaking it. Maybe I'm asking for the impossible, but I just want a peaceful acceptance of what for me is likely inevitable. I want to accept that I'll never have a girlfriend/get married/have kids as comfortably as I can accept that I'll never be an astronaut or a pro quarterback or the president. Then maybe I can move on and find comfort and joy in other, lesser things.

I'm sure some others can relate in one way or another. Any thoughts?

I used to be on the verge of feeling this way pretty much syllable for syllable. What I am starting to understand for myself though is that I don't have to live up to any social status quo that other people deem as the only way to be fulfilled, successful, and happy. I just have to learn who I am and what I want. To know what I really want and not what I think others think I should have or be. If I meet a great girl and get married and have kids...then awesome. If I live the rest of my life without another soul on the planet by my side...then awesome. But either way I am going to start being me, the real me and enjoy life because of it. I refuse to let my life be controlled by fear and nonacceptance anymore.

 

[NinjaLikesToast]

I think this is very close to possible... I am in almost the exact same situation (im 23) and I really have come to accept that I will eventually have to live alone and just become even more of a nerd than I am now lol. Hell, by that time I might have read all the books at our tiny library

I am not out of it, and I really don't think I ever will be. I just know myself to well, things won't change all of the sudden, and I am way to much of an introvert to change things/take chances.

I wonder what you mean by "..to find comfort or joy in other, lesser things"
It's all about the person, I suppose. But I see far more things as being joyful or comfortable than marriage/kids. That doesn't always have to be the end-all joy of life.. Ultimately it is up to you, and if you are willing to change your life in dramatic ways. You probably know by now if you could do that, and if not, maybe you should start trying to accept things the way they are and not go on being angry/bitter about your situation.

 

[AGR]

anyone ever watched idiocracy?
I feel our world is kind of going in that direction.

 

[jaypee06]

this motivational speaker guy told us at high school "you are where you are because that's where you want to be"

 

[fudgy]

I don't mean to sound cruel ..if I come across this way then so be it ...!!


I cannot believe how many of you are willing to throw the towel in ( give up) and just accept that this is it ...no sex , no love , no kids , no friends.

I have said several times on this forum that I don't have sa...however I can tell you that ocd nearly finished me off mentally , physically and spiritually.

At one time I was unable to leave the house nor have anyone round to see me , if they did , I was stuck in a world where I knew the vigorous regimes the ocd had set me to rid my own space of contamination and fears , and give me some peace of mind.

I had to have therapy in a car park because I couldnt of walked in the doctors in a million years and the therapist couldnt come to me because she had been in the doctors surgery and would contaminate my house !! you know the score , it goes on and on till your that menatlly exhausted your looking at "ways out"

Getting over enough of this stuff to have a half decent life has to come from within ...

and a lot of you have given up ...

please don't.

 

[planemo]

I think bitterness will always be there, if one feels that being alone is something which stems from negative circumstances rather than choice. Most people won't choose to be alone, but because of certain circumstances, some they control and others they don't, there reality is faced with overcoming something really difficult in order to find companionship. So we are forced to face our own fears of trying to become a person we are not accustomed to, or just give up and be lonely. Loneliness is always the easier option.

As for me, I'm not really sure I can overcome my shyness. It's inbred. I don't know how not to be shy, therefore to face my fear of being friendly and initiating communication is really difficult. I must admit it's just easier to give up or hope for a miracle. A miracle being that someone else decides to initiate communication and accepts my inability at doing so. So many things need to be perfect for such a thing to occur. So I just look at others as if we are separated by an invisible barrier. They on one side, me on the other. They have each other, I have myself.

 

[redski]

I am happy (strange as it sounds) that this thread is active again.
I feel just like the OP and I am 29.

I am not sure what to add to this thread.
What I have learned is that hope can be a very dangerous thing.
Personally I do not think people should rely on hope (that is easy to say but
hard to practice) but to rely on yourself and think that there is an
opportunity to change this but it all comes down to me.

Giving up is easy, hoping for something is easy but actually making a change
out of own free will is hard.