acceptance

[PhantomPod]

I definitely have felt what you are feeling. Especially in the job area.

I have been working at my current job for about a year now. I talk to people a decent amount (so long as they talk to me, usually..). However, I still don't feel truly accepted. Everyone in the office seems to be friends outside of work and they all go on break together, and I never go on break with anyone. When I see people who have not been working here as long as I have, yet they are better friends with the people and they're always going on break together I get to thinking like "wtf? where did I go wrong?"

People also always seem to be talking to lots of people over instant messenger. Like, there is one kid who sits near me and I saw before that he was talking to 9 different people over instant messenger. wtf?! how does he do it?! This kid is very nice to me and we talk some, but it's just weird feeling like I don't know how to extend it to hanging out after work or even just going on break together. I mean, yeah, maybe I could ask the kid myself if he wanted to go somewhere on break (although it seems like he has a routine with who he goes on break with, so it would be weird) and yeah, maybe people just know that I always go on break by myself, so they don't bother asking me to do something with them because they think I like going on break by myself. I don't know.

I do understand the idea, "You have to accept yourself before others will accept you," but boy is that hard. I also have a lot of gender identity issues, so that combined with my social anxiety makes it really hard for me to accept myself. I really do wish I could be confident in myself and just accept me for me, and I've been working on trying to build confidence, but it is most definitely a work in progress.

 

[dottie]

I am sorry about what I said. I wrote it late at night when I was in a bad mood and when I reread it recently it sounded pretty insensitive and rude. You are right this is definitely a place to be able to show your vulnerability and how you really feel, and sometimes life can feel very over the top.

People can be very cruel. I know some people I work with that have a hard time and people are not nice to them and talk about them and I feel bad for them.

Sometimes I really exaggerate things too and get myself worked up over them. For instance, the other day someone at work made a milkshake for me and my boyfriend.. to seperate ones I got a small siza and he got the big one.. I went on to him after we left about how everyone at work liked him more than me.
Even though I knew I was making a bigger deal than it needed to me I still felt that way.
Sometimes when you struggle with big things everything just piles on and every little thing seems awful, I know how that feels.

hey no worries. everyone has their moments where they pathetically wallow in self pity- this one being mine!

 

[PhantomPod]

^what do you mean by gender identity issues? (if you don't mind me asking)

I mean, I am female, but I do not feel 100% female. I am masculine in appearance (dress, haircut, etc.). I do not feel comfortable trying to act feminine, the way society would ideally like me to act, dress, and present myself. Therefore, I feel very insecure about my looks and appearance, because I do not fit society's ideas of how a woman should look and act.

I am always feeling like, "People don't like me because I am not a girly girl. I will never get a boyfriend because I am not a feminine woman with long hair." It is just another thing for me to feel embarrassed about.

Like, I did not go to my company's Christmas party, yes, mainly because I did not have a date and did not feel comfortable going by myself, but another very large part was that I did not want to wear a dress and I knew that all of the girls would be wearing dresses and all of the men would be wearing suits and I felt very uncomfortable about would I could wear, which would still be considered acceptable attire for the occasion. Because I did not want to just "suck it up" and wear a dress.

 

[dottie]

I definitely have felt what you are feeling. Especially in the job area.

I have been working at my current job for about a year now. I talk to people a decent amount (so long as they talk to me, usually..). However, I still don't feel truly accepted. Everyone in the office seems to be friends outside of work and they all go on break together, and I never go on break with anyone. When I see people who have not been working here as long as I have, yet they are better friends with the people and they're always going on break together I get to thinking like "wtf? where did I go wrong?"

People also always seem to be talking to lots of people over instant messenger. Like, there is one kid who sits near me and I saw before that he was talking to 9 different people over instant messenger. wtf?! how does he do it?! This kid is very nice to me and we talk some, but it's just weird feeling like I don't know how to extend it to hanging out after work or even just going on break together. I mean, yeah, maybe I could ask the kid myself if he wanted to go somewhere on break (although it seems like he has a routine with who he goes on break with, so it would be weird) and yeah, maybe people just know that I always go on break by myself, so they don't bother asking me to do something with them because they think I like going on break by myself. I don't know.

I do understand the idea, "You have to accept yourself before others will accept you," but boy is that hard. I also have a lot of gender identity issues, so that combined with my social anxiety makes it really hard for me to accept myself. I really do wish I could be confident in myself and just accept me for me, and I've been working on trying to build confidence, but it is most definitely a work in progress.

jobs are soooo awkward. i mean, i really am not interested in hanging out with these people outside of work. i'm not even really interested in taking breaks with these people. but to work there you have to have a false cheery disposition, pretending you are happy to be there and that you are happy to see your coworkers who you most likely have nothing in common with outside of work. this is my mentality. but then i get butt-hurt when everyone else is "friends" but i am the outsider. it's like i secretly want to be accepted but i don't really care about these people. it's stupid. it's my own fault. i have so many hang ups. maybe telling myself that i don't have anything in common with them is my way of protecting myself if i get hurt? i don't know. it's this contradiction. you don't really care about these people but you kind of do. and where do you draw the line? i guess not knowing where to draw the line makes me draw the line way in advance. because it's confusing.

 

[PhantomPod]

I understand 100% what you're saying. It's so weird. I, too, feel like I don't really care about these people. In fact, I feel as though I have absolutely nothing in common with them, yet here I am still feeling hurt that they are not accepting me or wanting to go on breaks with me! Why do I feel this way!?

I have gone to the bar with my co-workers, after work a couple times, and have just felt plain awkward. I don't mind having a few drinks, but it is just the conversation area where I have zero in common with them. All they talk about it the parties they've been to and the tons of times they've been drunk out of their minds! That is honestly the topic which takes up 90% of the conversation! Every time I have been out with these people, that is what they talk about. So here I am, knowing that I have practically nothing in common with these people, yet I still want to be friends with them or something or at least hang out and go on break together. It's definitely confusing having such mixed feelings.

I am not against drinking or anything, it just really is not my thing and it is certainly not my prime idea of fun. I like to play video games and board games, but it feels like if I asked one or some of my co-workers if they would like to do that after work, instead of going out for drink, they'd be like, "what are we, 10 years old!? Lets go have some beers!!!"

 

[PhantomPod]

oh i see. mainly i asked is because i think i have somewhat of a similar struggle, though for different reasons which i'm not entirely clear on. anyway, thanks for responding.

Oh, well if you want to talk, feel free to PM me or something. There are a lot of resources online for people who feel as though they are having confusing issues with their gender identity.

 

[NormanBates]

this anxiety exists so that it feels good when it doesn't exist

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

What people think of who and how you are DOES NOT matter. For sure you want to be the best you can be and treat people with respect because that is the right way to be, but never worry what people think of you for who and how you are. And you do not need to be accepted.

This thinking of what people think matters and you need to be accepted is the real core problems of SA. Its totally flawed and wrong.

 

[no1]

**** I know exactly what the **** you ****ing mean. ****

 

[no1]

What people think of who and how you are DOES NOT matter. For sure you want to be the best you can be and treat people with respect because that is the right way to be, but never worry what people think of you for who and how you are. And you do not need to be accepted.

This thinking of what people think matters and you need to be accepted is the real core problems of SA. Its totally flawed and wrong.

yea maybe.

is it kinda like those people who are afraid to step on lines on the sidewalk because they think it will mean bad luck.?

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

You don't need to be accepted because we are all unique, we are all different, we all look different, sound different, have different personalities, we all have different interests, we all like different things, we all have different positives/negatives, strengths and qualities as well as imperfections and flaws. We are all made from the same stuff, there is no need to feel unworthy or inadequate or not good enough, we are all unique and we all like different things.
If someone does not like you for how you look or your personality never ever be offended or hurt because we all like different things. We all like different music, different foods, different cars, different interests, different sorts of people we like as friends and who we are attracted to. Its impossible for everyone to like us, so never ever be offended or hurt if someone doesn't like you, with billions of people on earth of course people will not be liked by some people. I like football, but a lot of people don't like football. If football had a brain, should football be offended and hurt and self conscious about whether people like football or not? Never!
We are all unique and we all deserve to be who we are, if people don't like us then fine, but that is only natural.
But another point is that anyone who is nasty and judgemental and shallow for example who judges us negatively, do we really care what people like that think? We don't want to be friendly with people like that, so never be self conscious and worry what those people think. As for people who are not judgemental and are not judging us negatively, then you don't need to be self conscious and worry what those people think. Self conscious worrying about what people think of you achieves nothing. You have the right to be who you are, you are just as worthy as anyone else in this world.

 

[dottie]

You don't need to be accepted because we are all unique, we are all different, we all look different, sound different, have different personalities, we all have different interests, we all like different things, we all have different positives/negatives, strengths and qualities as well as imperfections and flaws. We are all made from the same stuff, there is no need to feel unworthy or inadequate or not good enough, we are all unique and we all like different things.
If someone does not like you for how you look or your personality never ever be offended or hurt because we all like different things. We all like different music, different foods, different cars, different interests, different sorts of people we like as friends and who we are attracted to. Its impossible for everyone to like us, so never ever be offended or hurt if someone doesn't like you, with billions of people on earth of course people will not be liked by some people. I like football, but a lot of people don't like football. If football had a brain, should football be offended and hurt and self conscious about whether people like football or not? Never!
We are all unique and we all deserve to be who we are, if people don't like us then fine, but that is only natural.
But another point is that anyone who is nasty and judgemental and shallow for example who judges us negatively, do we really care what people like that think? We don't want to be friendly with people like that, so never be self conscious and worry what those people think. As for people who are not judgemental and are not judging us negatively, then you don't need to be self conscious and worry what those people think. Self conscious worrying about what people think of you achieves nothing. You have the right to be who you are, you are just as worthy as anyone else in this world.

thanks. i like myself and who i am overall but it's a pattern in my life that i am not generally well recieved. people are suspicious of me because i have bad eye contact, stumble over words, i'm quiet & awkward. i can kind of understand why people shun the odd and unusual but it's so narrowminded for 2009. i like myself despite these things and really i don't care if these people like me. it would be nice but whatever.

this post isn't really about being liked. it's about being accepted. there is a difference. i mean being accepted by peers. for employment it is not enough anymore that you work hard and hold good work ethic. there is pressure for you to be friends and if you aren't in the clique... it is very difficult.

often times coworkers talk about me behind my back because i am awkward. i caught one the other day as i was walking past! she was quietly talking to the manager and i heard him explaining, "oh no she is just the type of person who puts her head down and does her work." clearly they were talking about me, i am the only new person there they would be considering and everyone else is really outgoing! it's a small office! i get vibes that this lady is talking crap about me already the same exact way to other coworkers as i've caught her talking in hushed tones and getting suspiciously quiet as i walk past other times. why?! because i am quiet and mind my own business?! is that so bad?

SORRY SOMEONE STOLE YOUR STUPID BUNNY BOWL BUT JUST BECAUSE I AM NEW/QUIET/AWKWARD DOES NOT MEAN IT WAS ME, COCKKNOCKERBITCH. HAVE YOU THOUGHT IT COULD BE ONE OF THE 382746 PATIENTS WHO COME THROUGH THE OFFICE?

somehow being quiet and awkward makes you guilty of somthing bad. people can't just ACCEPT that some people are painfully shy and introverted and get over it. there's always at least one person hung up on the fact that you are quiet and they start talking about you to others just because they can't figure you out. it's like they always have their eye on you, looking for any clue so they can figure you out. it creates such tension. i don't care if they LIKE me, i care if they ACCEPT me as a quiet person and respect me just as any other woworker.

I AM QUIET AND AWKWARD GET OVER IT!!!! that is what i want to say.

(vent vent vent)

 

[CK23]

I dont Usually feel like i dont belong... I mean i can relate to what most guys have said but the fact is i have this 'adrenaline rush' so to speak that really does the trick for me... I always force myself to join other people on tea breaks and lunches outside the office... But i have to say that, even though i am just mildly shy i never get the attention i crave... Kind of reinforces the fact that most of the people on this thread have mentioned... 'The World is mostly full of snobs and cheapsters; It likes them more than the nice guys'... Even though i am very lonely i still feel like i cant give up just cos the world is fu**ed up ! I am here to live... I wont be dying anytime soon!

 

[freestylemonster]

It's good to not care what people think of you in certain situations:

eg: When I go to the wave pool my ADHD goes wild and I run all over the place, unable to stand still for more than a second! I do stupid jumps of the side of the pool, run up to the slides and just dive into them and all that fun stuff. I just have fun regardless of what other people are thinking of me...

Or last time I went to the zoo I was soooo excited I just turned into a little kid again going "DO YOU SEE THAT?? DO YOU DO YOU DO YOU?? THAT'S SOOOOOOO COOL!!!" and annoying the hell outa my brother....but I was having fun!!!

BUT there ARE times when you need to take into account what peopple are thinking about you

eg: At a job interview you want to make them think you're a confident team player. You need to offer the handshake at the beginning, look them in the eyes, puff out your chest and project the idea that you know EXACTLY what you're doing. Nobody wants to hire someone who doesn't look like they could handle the job at hand. So if you're quiet, always looking down, mumbling instead of talking etc. they will think you obviously aren't ready to handle the job you're applying for.

It sucks I know but that's just how the world works.

 

[dottie]

they will think you obviously aren't ready to handle the job you're applying for.

i do fake it. if i am trying so hard and they see right through it then maybe i'm not "ready" to handle it. i haven't been ready for 29 years and i don't see that changing. maybe some people just aren't cut out for the work world.

i would be the most ****ing amazing homemaker in the world but in 2009's society that is not valued at all.

 

[no1]

yea.
and "give me a break"

 

[gsmax5]

everyone says that it doesn't matter what people think of you. it does. everything always depends on what people think of you! people who are wealthy are wealthy because they are ACCEPTED.

i have never felt genuinely accepted.

* in high school i was on a team (which took a huge amount of balls in the first place!) i tried out to be on the team again the next year. every single newcomer and every single person on the team from the previous year was accepted. except for me.

* i had a job interview where the lady shut the door and told me that i wouldn't stand a chance getting hired in that city, that i needed to make eye contact, and have confidence- basically that i wasn't fierce enough.

* every job i have i am the wierd, awkward one that no one likes. i have always quit or moved before they could fire me. until now.

* i got fired last summer.

* i got "let go" of this december because "business is slow" (bullshit, they just didn't like me)

i could go on but these are things that really stand out.

tomorrow i have a temp assignment. they are going to try me out for a day or two. if they ACCEPT me, then i can work there for a month. (wow, i'm thrilled to be under the microscope again.)

i have pushed myself and tried over and over despite my FEARS. i have been rejected so many times that i don't even feel like trying anymore. if you are shy/quiet in this society you are grouped with the low class, the degenerates.

I know exactly how you feel. I am rejected almost everywhere I go, people just generally hate me; that's probably the main reason for me having social phobia.

I have never been anyone's "Best Friend", and at school, I have never been invited to anyone's house (other than neighbors). I don't think anyone, even at this site, has it as bad as I do.

 

[Perfidion]

I don't think anyone, even at this site, has it as bad as I do.

Perhaps not, but at least you don't have a pathological obsession with sex, like No1.

 

[alter_ego]

I mean, I am female, but I do not feel 100% female. I am masculine in appearance (dress, haircut, etc.). I do not feel comfortable trying to act feminine, the way society would ideally like me to act, dress, and present myself. Therefore, I feel very insecure about my looks and appearance, because I do not fit society's ideas of how a woman should look and act.

I am always feeling like, "People don't like me because I am not a girly girl. I will never get a boyfriend because I am not a feminine woman with long hair." It is just another thing for me to feel embarrassed about.

Like, I did not go to my company's Christmas party, yes, mainly because I did not have a date and did not feel comfortable going by myself, but another very large part was that I did not want to wear a dress and I knew that all of the girls would be wearing dresses and all of the men would be wearing suits and I felt very uncomfortable about would I could wear, which would still be considered acceptable attire for the occasion. Because I did not want to just "suck it up" and wear a dress.

I sympathise with the not being a girly girl. I'm heterosexual and would love to meet a guy but that seems an impossible dream. Apart from my SA would make me too anxious dating, I just can't do hair, clothes and make-up so I never make the best of myself. I'm not naturally pretty either - not ugly, just nondescript. I know I shouldn't set so much store by looks but in this shallow society, looks count for a lot. ::

 

[Sloth]

I am sorry about what I said. I wrote it late at night when I was in a bad mood and when I reread it recently it sounded pretty insensitive and rude. ...

I hope I didn't come across too harsh towards you in my response. Usually I wouldn't have even posted that but I was in a bad way too.