Accept quiet people

[recluse]

When i was younger especially as i was quieter back then i was always pretty much ridiculed and made to feel an outcast. Society has made people believe that just because a person does not chatter on needlessly they are weird/stuck up/boring. Even my grandmother comment's that people who are really quiet are strange and have something to hide, and she used to tell me to make sure i talked so people wouldn't think i was strange.

 

[MaryA]

I used to hate it when I would sit and have a good conversation with someone and then they would turn around and say I never talk. I'd feel like what the heck, I just talked your ear off the other day? But like Maybeth, I have come to terms that I have more quiet than others out there and that it is okay. I am happy that shyness (which is different that being a quiet person) doesn't rule my life anymore thankfully. Before, when someone would judge me and say things like "why are you so quiet" or "how come you never talk?" I would feel bad about myself, like I was a freak and there was something wrong with me. But now, I feel like I am okay, and if they want to judge me, then oh well, its their own insecurity (and who are they to make me feel like I'm a freak or something is wrong with me, just because I am not as loud or talkative as they are). At first when someone would make a comment, I will get mad about it (which is better than self pity imo), and say something like 'because I am'... Then I dont have a whole lot to do with them (like for example co-workers), I wont hang out with them. People dont say it very much to me anymore, but if they do, maybe we need to say things back like "why are you so judgemental" or why do you talk so much. One thing I have learned is when a quiet person speaks up to defend themselves, people listen... for one they are in shock (because we never or hardly ever do it), and it is a self esteem booster! And, there are people out there who have accepted us as we are and we should concentrate on those relationships! I am thankful for those people who have come in and out of my life.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

The thing about it that's so irritating to me is that 'normal' people don't understand how like them I am. It's just that initial, first meeting or whatever where I'm withdrawn and scared to death they're gonna scream "You're a FREAK!" but after that, my anxiety goes down dramatically. It's like I'm not even the same person after a couple of meetings, I've had people tell me that a dozen times.

Whatever, it's to their shame and their loss that they write me off so quickly, I'm a great friend and a unique character once I get comfortable around people.

 

[goldenholds]

I agree with all the replies on this. People need to realize that they do not have the right to judge and ridicule others for any reason, whether it be for their appearance or behavior. Unless of course it is hurting that person in some way, but being quiet does not qualify as hurting someone. If I was punching them in the throat or stealing their wallet, then fine, judge me.

I have often been treated oddly when I am quiet and have also been ridiculed for not smiling enough. Once I was in a class and the instructor was telling jokes and I was almost crying I was laughing so hard along with everyone. Then right out of nowhere he stopped the class, pointed at me, and told me to smile and asked what was wrong with me. I was already terrified of going to the course because I was afraid I'd be thought a weirdo, and just as I thought i was doing OK, he does that. Was not a pleasant experience.

I do find though that many people accept the shyness and do not judge me. There are also times they'd wish I would keep quiet I'm sure. Personally, I find quietness an attractive quality. I knew a girl once who had a beautiful quietness, and was more expressive when she was quiet than when she was talking. Though she had no problem speaking eloquently when the occasion arose. So if you draw someones attention whilst being quiet, it might not be all bad.

 

[WorldEndsWithMe]

I always feel judged when I'm too quiet.
The most common questions I get are: Why aren't you talking? What's wrong? Are you angry? Are you sad?
It makes me a little upset that people assume that because I'm not talking I must be angry/sad or have a problem...
When I'm with a friend I am very comfortable with I can talk quite a bit, but with new people or a large social setting I can hardly say two words.

CPA23 I feel the exact same way about being the only quiet person. I used to be fine with silence but now I feel pressured to talk. Now after being critisized for not talking for so long I find that sometimes I will overtalk to compensate. But the problem is that the whole time I'm talking I feel so anxious and nervous and it actually can make me nauseous. I will go home and play back the conversation over and over and it really stresses me out. I can get really obsessive over things that bothered me or embarrassed me. In the end I just wish that I didn't give in to the pressure and just remained quiet.

I'm really struggling to find the inbetween of painfully shy and obnoxious overtalker, but it makes me happy to realize there are other shy people who are uncomfortable with the percieved image of "shyness" that other people seem to have.

 

[Maybeth]

I am also happy that people like me can connect in this fashion. When I was a kid I thought I was the only one like me and felt very lonely. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone.

 

[Fear of people]

I feel the problem is not that we are quiet and "shy" but that people need to accept that it's okay to be quiet. You don't have to be talking all the time. When I was a kid people would randomly ask me "why don't you talk?" I would have no idea why they asked me that. It was illogical. I would tell them, "I don't have anything to say (at the moment)." I feel no need to talk at times when the rest of the population thinks I need to be talking. but it makes no sense, I mean, if you don't have anything to say what are you supposed to say?

Now that I am older I am painfully aware that my silence makes others uncomfortable. I know that I am supposed to want to talk and have something to say more than I do.

The funny thing is, I do talk at times, when I actually have something to say. So it trips me out when the very people whom I speak with at times accuse me of never speaking. I suppose that if you don't speak a certain percentage of the time then it comes across as nothing to them.

Sometimes I am shy and don't wish to speak in a group but this is just because I have been made to feel like a freak all these years for not speaking at the right time. Plus I don't understand group dynamics. I can speak easier one on one or maybe even with two or three others if they are not rejecters. (rejecters are the type who ignore me when I do speak so I don't even bother).

Tonight I was in a large group. I only listen to the discussions in this group and do not participate. At one point the topic of this group was how it's out right rude to not talk when everyone else is socializing and parents that don't make their kids socialize are just wrong. Seriously, I think this is a serious form of discrimination. Many people don't understand that this is how people are and it's not fair to judge them and call them rude.

I feel that I have been passed over for a job I worked hard to get because of my social inabilities. I am able to say what I need to while performing my job and I can communicate effectively for the needs of the job. But when it comes to down time and other employees are socializing it becomes evident that I don't have the skills to be one of the group in this way. I've discovered that being a quiet person has a negative connotation to many people, especially the people in power with jobs and such.

This trips me out because it's not really the quiet ones you have to look out for. I am more suspicious of people who use manipulation tactics and charm which takes a lot of talking. As a quiet person I, probably like most if not all quiet people, I am able to read people pretty well. I guess because quieter folks are observing while the talkers are too busy trying to be heard.


My last point is that shyness, like The Smiths song says, is "criminally vulgar". Not only do people judge a quiet person quite harshly but it seems politically correct to judge us. I guess because a quiet person is less likely to complain loudly to others. I have started questioning people back when they try to point out my "deficiency". They are forced to admit that I do speak, rather than never. If they say, "you never talk." and I ask back, "What am I supposed to say?" They don't have the answer for that. That is odd because if you are going to point out someones weakness or problem shouldn't you have the solution? Otherwise that's like telling a blind person, "Hey you can't see anything. The world is dark to your eyes." What would be the point in saying that to a blind person?

Hopefully this post is not too random or hard to understand.

I have to admit that I'm very shy in nature as if I was born this way, how ever, I have come to accept this is who I am as an individual and this is my personality. Why should I change my identity just to be accepted by others in todays society, I am who I am and nobody can ever change that. I constantly worry day to day what other people may be thinking of me, as though I'm weird due to my quietness or come across to others as unfriendly, a hermit maybe who has no friends to speak of and these negative thoughts which constantly go round and around inside my head day in and day out and by the end of the day only makes the anxiety worse for me, due to these negative thoughts. I believe inside my head, my neighbours think that I'm weird, because I do not even acknowledge them or even say a simple hello, due to the fact, I worry what they may be thinking about me at the time and the anxiety only get's worse and the only way to escape this, is to hurry up inside my house and close the door, to avoid a conversation with my neighbours. I sometimes wonder if I have a mental illness of some kind and I need to be locked up behind four padded walls as this anxiety of mine is driving me round the twist and I find it difficult to lead a normal life.::

 

[Maybeth]

I can identify with the comment left by "fear of people." It's an energy drainer and anxiety inducing to deal with people. Even posting stuff on the web makes me anxious. It was hard for me to leave the post "accept quiet people" up. I usually go back and erase stuff I have put "out there".

I was reading in People magazine about J.D. Salinger, he just died last month, he was a recluse. He didn't like publishing his stuff because he felt exposed in a bad way. After "Catcher in the Rye" was a best seller he hid out from society the rest of his life. I can totally identify with him and the people on this thread.

 

[WorldEndsWithMe]

I am also happy that people like me can connect in this fashion. When I was a kid I thought I was the only one like me and felt very lonely. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone.

Exactly! I used to feel so alone and weird. I'd think "I know I'm shy... so why do I somtimes uncomfortable with it when I'm out with people?" I thought other shy people just accepted they were shy and were quite happy with it. I even told my friend, "Sometimes it's hard being shy because you feel like people are judging you, calling you weird or a snob." Their response was "well then stop being shy." I can't! It's just the way I am.

I'm sad to see that others have these same feelings of being judged. But to know I have support and acceptance among other shy people makes me feel not so alone and not so weird anymore. Thanks everyone.

What do you think we could do to try and get more acceptance for shy people? Attempt to explain? Tell people right away that we're shy? A lot of it seems to be miscommunication between outgoing and shy people. I don't think they realize the anxiety we feel when the attention spotlight is placed on us.

 

[MaryA]

Don't forget the changers. They hang out with us and are like "oh you hang out with me long enough you'll be talking more and acting crazy like me." But they soon give up when they realize they can't change us. I used to get that a lot back when I was younger, now not so much. I am still quiet, that's my personality and it is okay. So if someone comes around and can't accept that and they feel uncomfortable around me, that is not my problem. They need to look inside themselves and do some self evaluation to see why they are so insecure and stop putting that on me. I have no patience for people who are judging like that. It used to hurt me pretty bad, it made me feel like something was wrong with me... I mean yeah I had (and still have at times) issues, but I am not a judging person, so I expect that in return and if someone comes along and can't give that to me, then they need to keep walking. There are people who accept me as I am and some have come and gone, a couple ended up being good friends and with me to this day and I am thankful for those people. The others can leave me alone. Does this sound angry... I'm sorry if it does, but this attitude has helped me and it took a lot of steps to get here. I think this will be the topic for my next blog.