A question to the good looking.

[Hylke]

I'm wondering, I posted earlier in the 'show your picture' thread that I find it unlikely that people like the people posting pics in this thread would ever have a SA. Sure te people posting pics are the ones that look good because they have the nerve to do it, but that only enforces my question even more.
Furthermore I am reading about people with boy/girlfriends, with children. And it is towards those people I direct this question. Why are you posting on a social phobia board? It seems like you have no trouble dealing with the social aspect of life.

I don't mean to be judging people here, I was just wondering why you decided to come and post here, because I honestly don't understand.

 

[jschuley]

answer

Personally, I don't have any kind of life. I don't have kids or a marriage, I've never even been in a real romantic relationship, though I have had drunken one night stands. I find most all social interaction excruciating, I am hiding out in my room right now afraid to go down and spend time with my roommates. But I do force myself out into public to work a part time job and to spend time with those roommates when I have to, even though I am always worrying what they think of me or that I am making them uncomfortable.. And I consider myself attractive, people often tell me I'm pretty, though it's only because they think I need to hear it because my self esteem is so evidently low. I do have one successful relationship, an intimate, use the bathroom together, codependent friendship with a gay man. And I am very lucky to have him, but who knows how this happens? I mean sometimes every so often, someone can break through our barriers, and you form a connection. that doesn't mean we don't still have social anxiety when it comes to everyone outside those connections.

But yes, there are varying degrees of severity in SA, and those with a milder case find it easier to form connections than those with a severe case, but it is never easy for any of us, and everyone can use the support of a group like this, I would think.

That being said, I can see why you're bitter about these people since it's harder for you, but I look at it like this: Those that have had boyfriends and girlfriends and children give me hope that I too can overcome my anxiety and achieve this. This group would be much more bleak and depressing if none of us ever overcame.

 

[GloomySunday]

The views expressed in the first post seem, to me, to be a little too simplistic, but I can see where they're coming from.

Being physically attractive and having a partner does not exclude someone from having Social Phobia. If you knew the back story of the people posting here (who have boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, children etc) it may make things clearer.

They could have formed those relationships prior to developing Social Phobia - after all, it isn't a condition you're born with (I developed mine later in life). Also, their partners may have the condition also or are at least understanding people and provide much needed help and support.

If someone found you attractive tomorrow and you wanted to be with them too, could you suddenly say that you didn't have Social Phobia anymore?

Social Phobia is a psychological condition that is complex, not fully understood and can afflict anyone at any time for a multitude of reasons. There are no rules. Nothing is cut and dried.

 

[Psychedelicious]

I don't know who you are referring to, but it's not always true. People can have those things and still be just as bad as us. No one but them knows what it is like for them so it's harder to compare. I do kind of feel like if I was capable of making friends or having a partner I probably wouldn't be here. That doesn't mean it is the same for everyone else though. And if something magical did happen and someone actually liked me for once that doesn't mean that everything is over.

 

[Primrose]

Excellent topic - completely agree with you.

 

[sleepysparrow]

..

 

[bleach]

It is pretty obvious that certain people here do not truly have social phobia, they are likely just a little awkward in conversation and have blown the problem out of proportion. But then those people also tend not to stick around very long, probably realizing that their issues were fleeting or not as bad as they first thought.

Edit: On attractive women with social phobia. It is understandable, since society demand far less of them to remain attractive/interesting than other people. So they can get away with being shy while remaining popular.

 

[Dodger]

I am not sure but it may be that the person they are in a relationship with is understanding of everything they feel.

 

[Hoth]

I think perhaps social phobia is much worse for the people who have a significant other and a few friends. They're under constant social pressure. They have to socially perform for the sake of the people who love them. They have a constant audience to worry about. They have to keep up appearances, because people have a set of expectations for them.

Those of us not participating in society can't drown in society like they can. The fear that getting too deep in the social world would commit me to torture with no way to get back out is one of the things that keeps me on the sidelines.

 

[bleach]

I think perhaps social phobia is much worse for the people who have a significant other and a few friends. They're under constant social pressure. They have to socially perform for the sake of the people who love them. They have a constant audience to worry about. They have to keep up appearances, because people have a set of expectations for them.

Those of us not participating in society can't drown in society like they can. The fear that getting too deep in the social world would commit me to torture with no way to get back out is one of the things that keeps me on the sidelines.

Oh so frequent exposure to social situations does not lessen anxiety? Looks like exposure therapy, "the best cure for social phobia" was a fraud all along.

 

[dpr]

Just because someone has a significant other, does not mean their lives are perfect or that they do not have problems.

I have a girlfriend, but I do not think I am good looking. I actually think I am very ugly inside and out, and I often wonder why my girlfriend is with me. This alone takes a toll on our relationship and causes lots of problems because I am always wondering: "Why does she like me?" "Does she really even like me?" "Is she thinking of leaving me soon?" which leads to me needing constant reassurance from her that I am "worthy" of her love. It also makes me jealous when she talks to other guys because I am constantly thinking that she will like them better and leave me because I am ugly, stupid, not fun enough, not cool enough, etc. etc.

I know these beliefs I have are irrational, and I am working on them with my therapist, but they are still really sticking with me, because I have thought negatively about myself for such a long time.

The only reason I have a girlfriend at this point of my life is because we met on the internet. I wouldn't have been able to meet anyone through friends because I don't go out that much anymore. But it's not like I magically was able to be all socially cool with my girlfriend right from the start. I was a nervous wreck when I first met her. I'm comfortable around her now, but we've been together for a few years, it took a while to be comfortable around her and not as shy.

As for your question though, I think that the idea that someone can't have Social Phobia because they have a girlfriend is really oversimplifying the whole problem. Because a lot of people are at different stages with their social phobia. I used to be really bad (couldn't talk to anyone, couldn't hold a job, etc.) But now I am a little bit better and can talk to people one-on-one. My biggest problem is meeting new people, dealing with people in groups and talking to people in positions of authority (like bosses). Those two really get me anxious.

But yeah, asking why a person with a girlfriend would post on a Social Phobia website is like asking an agoraphobic, "Why are you outside today?" Because we're trying to GET BETTER. That's why! It's the same reason some alcoholics still go to AA meetings every week even though they haven't had a drink in years. It's a long process to conquer a disorder like this, IMO.

The reason I post pictures in the picture thread and have a girlfriend and a job and what not is because I am trying to get rid of this stupid fucking disorder that has been ruining my life for the past ten years. Like I said, everyone is at different stages with this. Also, I feel people would be a little less judgmental of my pictures on a website like this. I wouldn't really want to post my pictures on a site like "Hot or Not" or something like that, for fear of what people would say about my looks.

But yeah, hope that answers your question.

 

[maybeIambutsowhat]

I agree

yeah i agree, i have never had a boyfriend because of my SA and when ppl say they have a partner I don't think they're that bad off. Like, how can someone with extreme social anxiety have friends let alone a partnet. Just my opinion...

 

[sleepysparrow]

...

 

[sleepysparrow]

If someone found you attractive tomorrow and you wanted to be with them too, could you suddenly say that you didn't have Social Phobia anymore?

Social Phobia is a psychological condition that is complex, not fully understood and can afflict anyone at any time for a multitude of reasons. There are no rules. Nothing is cut and dried.

Well put.

 

[bleach]

Actually for many people, being in a relationship probably would mean they are "cured" because it would require months or years of therapy to reach that point of recovery

 

[Hoth]

Oh so frequent exposure to social situations does not lessen anxiety? Looks like exposure therapy, "the best cure for social phobia" was a fraud all along.

It works for some people, not for others -- probably depends on the original cause of your anxiety. (Also, I'm pretty sure exposure therapy involves controlled gradual exposure rather than immersion.) Exposure never did anything but make me feel worse.

 

[JonnyD]

i quite understand what you mean, and if i say that people engaded or with children are not that bad off, i don't mean to say that they don't have a problem - i mean that is worst without someone to really hang on.

You may have a family/parner and have SA in some level, intense or not , for a range of factors... it actually could lead to the person lying too much on the partner so they turn to be overdependent (Dependent Personality Disorder)

But the trick question isn't if they have it or not, is how can they have such problems - how didn't it went away?

I think you're putting things in a very narrow scope, i've did it - our problems look so difficult to solve that we focus on them so hard that they seems to be this very defined.

but if you look harder, you'll see that the problem you face is much more wide than you think, it is bounded in many aspects of your life that you've not even noticed some of them, so you may be able to look this in a diferent scope, seeing how it can affect different people...

BTW, i would love to know if there's someone that are here just for the sake of helping others.

 

[Reholla]

Re: answer

but I look at it like this: Those that have had boyfriends and girlfriends and children give me hope that I too can overcome my anxiety and achieve this. This group would be much more bleak and depressing if none of us ever overcame.

yeah, I feel that way too. But do you really think your SA is what is keeping you back from finding your special some one? I used to think that bc in HS i was shy, but honestly didnt have the desire to date guys. Actually guys thought i was really stand offish. I had dates to prom and homecoming, but nothing outside of that. Well now i am in college, and I would love to date some one, but only IF THEY ARE THE RIGHT PERSON FOR ME... and i have not met a guy that is. I just transfered schools, and when i moved, thats when i started therapy sessions. My therapist was like, "I just want to brace you that I know the kind of guy you are talking about, and you probably arent going to ofind one here."
That was so hard to hear, and even though i wish he woulldnt have said that, i know why he did. it really is the truth...

So i dont really think its the SA holding me back. Its really frusturating not meeting people you are compatible with bc you get discouraged..

 

[sabbath92002]

My social anxiety disorder (SAD) affects me mostly at the office. I may have a wife and I may be able to go to concerts and college. But if I can't work and support myself then is my SAD any less of a problem then those of you without a partner? Some people's SAD is performance based, like they are a musician and have anxiety on stage. Does that mean they don't deserve support? And what about public speaking, do you think that because someone has a partner all of a sudden they are a fantastic public speaker?

 

[Remus]

Actually for many people, being in a relationship probably would mean they are "cured" because it would require months or years of therapy to reach that point of recovery

it's no cure, infact its an avenue for a whole host of other shit, insecurity and emotional baggage. People with SA always look for the "magic pill" so to speak, the only cure is youself, you wont get it from external things.

Relationships just cause you to have a whole new set of thngs to worry about (will my partner go off me, I'm not worthy, I'm unattractactive, someone better will come along for them...etc etc), I havnt had many but I always felt worse SA and anxiety wise when in a relationship than out. Most progress I ever made was when I went celebate for 5 years.

so fix yourself first, then think about relationships. I found this thing gets better with age anywho