A friend of mine called today...

[NP88]

I haven't talked to him in a while. We used to be pretty close but through my ex and just life in general have drifted apart. He was obviously distressed about his situation in life and really has no true friends and his family for the most part doesn't seem to care about him. When we used to hang out years ago we were both reckless kids. Didn't care about anything, both suffering from depression and social problems among things and used drugs of all kinds to cope. Pretty much the bottom of the barrel. I've dug myself out of that life and while I do still smoke weed and occasionally drink I find those to be tolerable life choices instead of the necessities of escapism. Anyway he called and sounded so incredibly lost and told me I was his best friend and that he loved me and missed me and wanted to hang out and he asked for some money to get back to town. I really think he does need me in a way but at the same time hes done nothing to better himself and I don't know If I want a friend that is so , for lack of a better word, needy. I can barely take care of myself and I don't want to have to take care of someone else. Plus I have no intention of going back to that life I used to live and as such we have almost nothing in common. He said hes going to call me again later which I found really strange... I guess my question to you all here is that he's a good guy at heart but I can't take a friend on who is clingy and has no intention to better themselves yet I really don't want to be another person in his life who doesn't give a f-ck about him. How do I go about this whole situation...? I have no other friends as I rarely leave the house and this seems like a task I just can't deal with.

 

[Waybuloo]

Wait for him to call again, or call him yourself. Have a talk about what his situation is, what does he want to do when he gets back in town, does he have a plan? Suss out what his intentions are. If he seems determined to change and get his life sorted or to do something meaningful then give him a chance.

Tell him that you also have difficulty with your life and aren't all there yet. Make him see that you are not somebody who will give him unconditional support or who is able to support him for sure.

Two possibilities occur to me:

That he is an addict and is desperate to get money any way he can and therefore contacts you out of the blue and says he loves you and he has no one else.

That he is very desperate and you are one of his only hope and source of support. And is in genuine need of financial and emotional support.

It is up to you how much of yourself you give to him. If you find that it's all take and no giving back then I guess you could have a talk with him again and make yourself to be really vulnerable and clueless and not in a situation to be able to help him because you can't even help yourself.

 

[Hoppy]

I can barely take care of myself and I don't want to have to take care of someone else

For me this is the most important part. You have to decide where in this relationship is your boundaries. If getting involved with him again means breaking boundaries, I would say no. I've been in the position where I live so closely to the edge that for my own self-preservation would stay away from people. How close to the edge are you?

 

[NP88]

Waybuloo,

No he doesn't have a plan. He's never had a job and I don't think he plans on getting one from the tone of the conversation. I think life is just so hard for him where he is he wants to come back to his home town for the sake of a better sense well being and safety. He told me he was beat up leaving the bar earlier today. I wondered what he was doing there if he was broke..

He is an addict and is desperate but at the same time I know he genuinely has no one else and is severely lacking any kind of emotional support. People treat him like **** because he treats himself that way I suppose. Mentioned he was going to 'panhandle' for money to get back to town and that he may not have a place to live in the next few weeks to give you an idea of his situation.

[q]Tell him that you also have difficulty with your life and aren't all there yet. Make him see that you are not somebody who will give him unconditional support or who is able to support him for sure. [/q]

I feel like If I do tell him this which is true it would be a total dropping of him as a friend. What are friends for after all... but your right. I just dont want anything to happen to him.


Hoppy,

I've been alone friend wise for quite awhile my boundaries are really any social responsibility. This just goes way overboard. So yeah I really can't see myself associating with him because of the way he lives his life. I guess for whatever reason I feel a responsibility to take care of him. If I dont no one will...

To answer you though, Ive been teetering on the edge for about a year and a half now, the last week or so have been great and I really feel through countless hours of self reflection that things will get better from now on though in no way am I ready to take on a responsibility like this at this moment. Financially, emotionally just not ready.


Thanks for the responses, they have helped give me an idea of what to do next. I appreciate the time taken to help an anonymous random internet stranger like myself. Have a good night.

 

[Fighter86]

Did you talk to him again finally?

I second the suggestions mentioned above. Let us know how it turns out.

 

[Falkor]

You could just invite him at your place and see if you like the time you share, if not, just be honest to urself and know why that is. is it bothering you that he doesnt want to change things, than please dont let y9ourself drag into his way of dealing with stuff, i mean, if that really bothers you, you should point at him about that, or just let it be. if it bothers you, you should tell him maybe. but its very hard to make choices if comes to this indeed, but he will eventually get himself together again, sweety. its not your responsibility to change him or to help him totally, ofc you can listen to him as a great friend, but try to listen to yourself too.