still don't know what's inside me

I have some issue with talking to women and people in general that's getting me and I'm still not sure what's up. Mostly with strangers but even in a group of friends I hesitate automatically.

The other day I was trying to be proactive as I usual and I saw some girls walking by with Gryffindor scarves on. Seeing as how I had a Hufflepuff hat on, I looked over to them and said "I like your scarves." The girl closest to me glanced over and said nothing like she was scared and walked away faster. I was nervous before saying it, and really nervous during, and I had this overwhelming shaking inside me afterwards.

This I don't understand. I don't take this personally. I knew what happened was I wasn't really putting a more friendly voice/face forward. I was nervous but of course these days I introduce myself to people a lot. So walking away from that experience I realized maybe I should have been more energetic, because the way I did it was pretty low and creepy. But I mess up sometimes, that's to be expected. Fine, next time I'll try being less creepy and more fun.

Either she was really shy, or she freaked out that some stranger spoke to her, or she misheard me, or my favorite because it happens to me all the time - I know someone's talking to me and I didn't hear it and I am to afraid to say anything so I walk away. It was any number of reasons. At the moment and time, I thought these very things. I didn't for one moment take it personally. These things happen, there are misunderstandings. I smiled it off knowing this to be the truth.

So why on earth was I SO messed up and anxious inside my chest for a good 3-5 minutes afterwards?

I dunno, maybe embarrassment? I was in a crowded area is what really bothered me. I think what maybe really got me was that what I did was akin to trying to "pick someone up" even though I only really wanted to talk to them because they were wearing Gryffindor scarves and I was so curious. So, to the crowd around me, in my perception it looked like I was trying to pick some girls up but it went sour immediately, and now I was walking along looking like a fool, like people were laughing at me. Maybe. I just had to write this out and I am maybe coming to the reasons why. But how do you get rid of feelings like that?

Sounds like you are on the right track. Feelings are hard to get rid of. I suppose the saying "it takes time" may apply here.

I think that it's great that you commented on the scarves. I know I would love it if someone commented on my Gryffindor scarf, I would like to think that if I saw someone in Hogwarts gear I would comment. As for the feelings afterward, as a Hufflepuff you're a hard worker so just keep working on it

you should be happy that you said anything at all! That's how everyone should be, but people are afraid, even though this is the only life they have! Oh, what a quandary it is. I never would have said anything, as much as I would want to.

Oh.. let's see. Your lungs, liver, kidneys, bones, brains, and your heart of course What am I missing?

I think this is a normal situation.. in fact, I might agree with you in saying that the girl was probably not paying much attention and didn't hear you properly, or the way/tone you said it didn't automatically 'click' with her, OR even as far as going to say that she, not you, might have some problems talking to strangers.

In my opinion if you were that nervous she probably noticed and thought you were a freak - that being said, if you keep trying you might end up sounding more natural, friendly and casual? In the meantime, don't forget that people don't really care that much - they judge you during 10 seconds then forget - so try to not worry too much either. Just convince yourself it doesn't matter, or at least it won't matter next week.

Well ideally you should look for situations where you can gain some rapport - where talking to the girl is almost expected and you're not leaning over to her in the middle of the street.

Personally I think it's great (and ballsy) that you did that, but it's an unnatural situation. A lot of girls are also just plain immature and are almost happy for an excuse to furrow their eyebrows at you, especially when with their friends. It's also possible that she's had her fill of genuinely creepy guys hitting on her, which I can easily see happening in New York. Either way, you're right not to take it personally.

In any case, I find that if it makes sense for me to talk to a woman (ie. she's near me already) then my anxiety is a lot less. That's often the problem with SA though - we're forced to create connections out of thin air, whereas others have social footholds that they can lean on in order to network.

However, I do think that if you can put the same kind of bravery that you showed into circumstances where it's more natural for you to talk to people that you'll do very well.

Surrogate said:

Oh.. let's see. Your lungs, liver, kidneys, bones, brains, and your heart of course What am I missing?

I think this is a normal situation.. in fact, I might agree with you in saying that the girl was probably not paying much attention and didn't hear you properly, or the way/tone you said it didn't automatically 'click' with her, OR even as far as going to say that she, not you, might have some problems talking to strangers.

Click to expand...

This is exactly the situation, there's not "might" or "maybe" about it.
It's not me - period.
I don't take this personally - the end.
Could she have been scared/confused - I'm positive
Could I have done a better job introducing myself - hell yes, my bad. I made a mistake. Big whoop.

What really shocked me was why I felt SO out of sorts and anxious for the following minutes after I failed.

I really, honestly think I made a breakthrough here. Writing this problem out on this forum, NOW I realize that it's a case of me being around so many crowds of people that I don't do things like talk to strangers or approach girls unless I'm doing something very 'common' like asking for help.

In this case I wasn't even trying to hit on these women, I was just excited about their scarves. Except I got super nervous automatically (and actually to my surprise) because we were in a very crowded situation. I'm just kinda shocked I never noticed the real root cause before. Hopefully I hit on something important here.

If I was at a gathering of geeks and we were all sitting down then I'd easily make comments on their scarves. Or if I was in a less crowded situation or more quieter area I'm almost positive I would have said something to them without the nervousness. But I was in a very crowded corridor and suddenly speaking to these strangers became extremely difficult AND they were cute women. If it was a guy I would not have felt nervous at all. As a matter of fact I did this exact thing on a crowded subway without a problem last weekend. I said "I like your scarf" to a man wearing a hufflepuff scarf. I think the fact that I was there with close friends nearby also helped me greatly.

But this gryffindor situation, which you would think is the same, was totally different. I don't like to risk making a fool of myself in front of lots of people, iow, trying to hit on a girl or even *look* like I'm hitting on a girl in front of people. This might be why I can't escalate my encounters with women romantically. I meet TONS of women every other day and have no problem talking to them, but I can't flirt. I just now realized I'm always completely surrounded by people when I go out for fun because I always do big group meet-ups.