Losing Friends.

Hi, this is my first post. I'll get right into it.

I've known A for a couple months and I liked her personality a lot. We're very similar. I think she also has some form of anxiety. I've asked her out a couple times and i told her it's not romantic. She always laughed it off. She left our work place to work at a rival store. Still, I dropped by every now and then and we talked and she seemed to enjoy it. Again I tried asking her out. She laughed and declined. But I never took it personally.

One day I dropped by and ask if she was there. She texts me "stop coming to my work. I don't want to see you or talk to you." My heart sank. I really thought of her as a friend and someone i could relate to. I asked why and she told me that I'm STALKING her (WTF!) She told me I keep dropping by and asking her out and she said she's not interested. She told me to just leave her alone.

She never seems annoyed when i asked her out and out of nowhere BOOM! This. I'm just so hurt. I really thought of her as a friend and i really liked talking to her.

What is wrong with me? I just keep losing friends it's like an endless cycle. It's like nothing I do is ever correct. I make friends then lose them, make friends then lose them. It just never stops. I'm just mentally exhausted.

Losing friends is just a part of life. I've started to embrace that. People develop differently as life goes on. Work gets in the way, family gets in the way, new hobbies, interests, and perspectives spawn, and before you know it, you and your friends are merely acquaintances. I look at people that are much older than me (50s-60s) and quite a few of them only have a couple of good friends and I think there is a reason behind that.

But tbh, I feel that you did come off a bit strong with the girl in your post. Two rejections and you still went back. Most friends will drift apart after one develops feelings and they aren't reciprocated, I would know. Usually the bond of friendship isn't strong enough to endure the awkwardness of knowing that your friend wants to stick their penis inside you.

Have no fear though, just learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them. In this case, if a girl makes it clear that she doesn't want to date you, move on, even if you are friends. There's a good chance she'll feel awkward around you after you express your feelings for her. My guess is she was just being friendly with you afterward to avoid any awkward confrontation until she really started to feel uncomfortable, at which point she ended it abruptly.

Thanks. The thing is I have zero friends and when I finally meet someone I can relate to I feel so much better. I never liked her in a romantic way but I really wanted to get to know her. I guess she didn't feel the same. I'm always jumping the gun and then it becomes a one sided friendship.

Thank you for your input Miserum.

I've also had trouble with friends. Used to have many, but I kind of have zero at the moment. There are two who I feel I can talk to about anything because they also have anxiety issues, but partly because of my own doing being busy, I hardly talk to them.

Anyway, lately (after doing some therapy) I've found this. It's easier said than done, but I became my own close friend. I didn't have to rely on friends to keep me happy. Once I didn't care about my own negative inner voice, and be happy with who I am and not worry about being weird - and really open up to people in conversation - I found I could really connect to people in conversation. And for those that I didn't connect with, I didn't bother putting in any effort to try and chase that as a friendship. So I think I've made two new friends already, whether they will turn out to be close is to be continued.

Chippy said:

Thanks. The thing is I have zero friends and when I finally meet someone I can relate to I feel so much better. I never liked her in a romantic way but I really wanted to get to know her. I guess she didn't feel the same. I'm always jumping the gun and then it becomes a one sided friendship.

Thank you for your input Miserum.

Click to expand...

You might be coming off as overly enthusiastic when you meet a potential friend. They might be wondering--not in a good way--why you're so excited. Maybe tone it down a bit and follow the Onion theory of Social Penetration:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_penetration_theory#Onion_metaphor

IMO friendship is a coordination back and forth between two people that have shared interests and the ability to be playful/joking with one another. Friends are open with each other, and can have deep, meaningful conversations as well. Try to strike a balance between these things.

Just keep working on it. I came to the rude realization at one point that not everyone is going to like me; it really hurt. But just keep moving. People skills can be learned because they are skills.

I don't think she was much of a friend to begin with. If she had no interest in spending time with you, she was just an acquaintance. You can be friendly with someone; that doesn't make you friends. The reason she didn't seem annoyed was likely that she was simply disinterested and not actually annoyed (yet), or she just didn't want to show it. That's called being polite. But if someone can't take a subtle hint, sometimes you have to be blunt.

Miserum said:

Usually the bond of friendship isn't strong enough to endure the awkwardness of knowing that your friend wants to stick their penis inside you.

Click to expand...

This quote is awesome.:thumbup:

awkwardamanda said:

This quote is awesome.:thumbup:

Click to expand...

:bigsmile:

Chippy said:

Hi, this is my first post. I'll get right into it.

I've known A for a couple months and I liked her personality a lot. We're very similar. I think she also has some form of anxiety. I've asked her out a couple times and i told her it's not romantic.

Click to expand...

I just realized that you made it verbally clear that your offer to go out wasn't a romantic gesture. Perhaps your actions didn't align with your words. So again, try to strike a balance--as I mentioned in my previous post--when it comes to making friends. It's possible she felt you were coming on too strong. Even if it was in a platonic way, maybe she saw it differently.

"...even if your actions are misinterpreted or lead to unforeseen negative outcomes—the road to hell, after all, is paved with good intentions—you will know in your heart of hearts that your intentions were benign. That will give you the mental freedom to not worry as much about what others think of you."

I found this online. Made me feel a little better. I thought I was being friendly chatting her up at work and she thought I was stalking her. I've been worrying she's telling everyone I'm a stalker these few days and it's killing me.

Chippy said:

"...even if your actions are misinterpreted or lead to unforeseen negative outcomes—the road to hell, after all, is paved with good intentions—you will know in your heart of hearts that your intentions were benign. That will give you the mental freedom to not worry as much about what others think of you."

I found this online. Made me feel a little better. I thought I was being friendly chatting her up at work and she thought I was stalking her. I've been worrying she's telling everyone I'm a stalker these few days and it's killing me.

Click to expand...

In addition to your disappointment with the friendship ending abruptly, if I could be so bold as to make a guess here, I think you may be dealing with an issue of not having closure. She basically gave you no choice in telling your side of things and has left you wondering what's really going on and what she's now saying about you to others. I've been in similar situations so I'll go a step further and offer a suggestion. I know she told you not to contact her anymore but to gain closure I think it's important that you send her one last text. Explain to her first that you don't want a reply from her, you just felt you needed to clarify your intentions. At this point you could let her know that you realize you may have come on a bit too strong and that you understand her viewpoint and desire to end things altogether (even if you don't totally agree). Apologize if you made her feel uncomfortable/stalked, let her know you understand, she won't hear from you again and wish her well.

It s.ucks to lose a friend and go back to being friendless (I've been there) but this may be a big help to your getting over it.

Doogle said:

Men and women can't really be friends.

Click to expand...

With all due respect, I take exception to this quote, I don't believe it's true. Experiences in your life have colored your opinion this way but for me it's different. I've worked with tons of women across a variety of ages, ones I've found attractive & ones I haven't and I could still be friends with most of them. I just feel it's extremely difficult to have a friendship with someone I find attractive because the true feelings will come to the surface eventually. It's so much easier with women I wouldn't ordinarily ask out on a date or want to be with romantically because there are no ulterior motives. That's my experience.

you can't beg for friendship..

mozart87 said:

you can't beg for friendship..

Click to expand...

Buying someone's friendship doesn't work either. I figured that out the hard way, lol...

mozart87 said:

you can't beg for friendship..

Click to expand...

Actually, we've had meaningful conversations that we both enjoyed and laughed. I guess I got carried away and smothered her. She just got sick of me.

troll removed, carry on folks

Being an expert on the receiving end of what you see...

She could see you liked her, she wasnt interested in knowing you at all, however women CAN NOT EVER say no, they just avoid OR just be real cold or say things you dont like until you vanish, if that doesnt work then call the police to say no to you with a free harassment charge (or attempted rape, which ever they feel applicable).

Ive taken some VERY hard lines on this with myself to make sure i dont get a free visit from the police. If a woman wants you around (in anyway) she will contact you, non contact from her means DO NOT follow her, see her, send her texts or emails at all, ever...

This is the same online as well. If they dont message you back, they dont want to talk with you, remember they cant say no

ACTIONS are always loud and clear (and better than words)