I can't Connect.

And here I thought social anxiety was hard enough to handle. What's even worse for me is the inability to Connect with other people... what do I mean by "Connect?" It's when you're in that situation where there's more than one present, and everyone is talking, and laughing, and doing is normally the case when in social environment. I'm stuck there, in the midst of it all, with an empty mind, completely blank, and unable to say more than just a few words at the right occasions. When the group starts laughing, I'm like... "Heh-heh" as my attempt to join in with the laughter, even though I do not feel any emotion of humor inside of me. I shrug it off for the most part, but after awhile it begins to bother me, because it's not just in certain social groups, it's in ANY SOCIAL GROUP period.

When I went out with family today, I felt disconnected and detached from them. It kind of felt like they weren't really my family. In other words I felt like I was a visitor from another planet stuck in the same environment with them. I felt no attachment emotionally to them. I just felt alienated...

Finally when one of them notices that I haven't really been talking all that much and tries to make the effort in starting a conversation with me, I can't hold up my end of the talking. Am I retarded or something!?! That's how I feel!

I went to see a doctor about this and he put me on medication... I am feeling a little less anxious on it, and I feel a bit more comfortable in social environment, but I'm not quite where I want to be yet. I'm still not "Connected."

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Hi Tulicks,

I have these issues too and in my past I connected with people the most when I was drunk all the time. I had a family dinner last night and the same thing happened to me, I was fake laughing/smiling a lot. My counselor also wants to put me on medication for anxiety.

I have been reading a lot and got advice about making friends and one thing I have found helpful is to ask other people a lot of questions so you are part of the conversation but you are focussing on the other person not yourself. Then if you can with some of their answers you may be able to relate it to something you have experienced.

Something I read recently really spoke to me but it's a bit less practical - it said that you make connections by going through things with people, by going through an experience together, overcoming something together as then you have common ground with that person. I believe this is so true but it's hard to make youself and someone else go through something together hehe. But it suggested joining something or suggesting to someone you know to do something together e.g. going for a walk, joining a club or something so you go through something together. It pointed out that if you just catch up for lunch occasionally with most people this won't connect you.

Hope that makes sense

Robyn

^ Now that you mention it... it does make sense.

Yeh maybe thats why family gatherings are awkward.. Forced to sit there with peeps. Its pretty unnatural..

Hey Tulicks, How are you? Nice to meet you! I see you are also from Canada. I am as well. I am from Toronto. Sorry I cant offer any help since I am also dealing with the similar problem. I can only say that I know how you feel when you said "you cant connect". You just mirrored me. I've always felt like this my entire life. I cant connect with anyone around me "emotionally". I know I am here physically but that emotional attachment with the family and everyone else is not there. I think this is why its so hard for me to make friends and keep them. And also the reason I always fall out of a relationship. It just kind of makes me feel guilty as well, that I am not emotionally attached with my family and friends. I know I love them, but its not the same. I even feel like I am not attached to my self. My mind and body is not connected. My mind just wonders around , or most of time its absent. while my body is struggling and stumbling not knowing what to do in the real world. I sometimes feel like my mind just abandons me in a social situation when I need it the most. I normally dont know what to say or what to do. Its so hard for me to do the right thing at the right moment. without being so awkward.
Hang in there Tulicks. We are here to support you! Peace!

That's how I feel too. It like I'm on the outside lookin' in what everyone else is doing and talking about. For the first time, i actually paid attention and noticed how differently she treats my sister and me in terms of having a conversation for the first time. She is uptight and serious with me, doesn't pay attention to what I'm sayin but with my sister they joke around and talk on and on about stuff. I don't get it. That explains why I don't say much to my mom. My brother is neutral.

As far as asking people questions to get to know them better, some people get turned off by that so I avoid it when I can

I can relate. Its same for me too. Sometimes it happens to me because instead of focusing to what's happening around me I tend to get lost in my head usually thinking that I'm having bad time or it'd be better if I got away. So whenever you're in a gathering maybe paying better attention to people around you can help, try not to get lost in your head. I've also noticed when I'm feeling too anxious, I start to feel disconnected. Its not something you can overcome overnight though, but with enough practise it can get better. Sometimes participating in group's activity might help too. But it also could be that you need to hang out with more like minded people.

Yeah I can't connect to the internet sometimes too...ohh...you are talking about other connections::
Ok leaving the joke behind, yes it's the same for me too ...I'm just a social obsever I just listen,watch and sometimes laugh with the group but I dont really participate in any other way.

I've just been assuming this is a problem associated with depression... but I could be wrong.
haha

I haven't found anything to help me feel connected.
I go through the motions of how I know I'm supposed to 'act' and 'feel'-- but I never naturally act or feel anything that I should in any situation.

Sorry I can't help... but there's always a million elements to look into whenever you're having any trouble with your body.
Maybe we're just expecting too much?
Maybe I've never connected but I'm more aware of my disconnect now?
I don't know... hah

I know how you feel. This is true loneliness when a person can't connect with anyone. People think that ''lonely'' means being alone but in reality a person could have hundreds of people around but feel lonely.

I feel like Travis Bickle in the Taxi driver film.

Tulicks said:

I'm stuck there, in the midst of it all, with an empty mind, completely blank, and unable to say more than just a few words at the right occasions.

Click to expand...

You forgot to add the bit where you start to wish you're not there.

I function better (but not good) one to one.

In a group the conversation tends to run away from me, until I completely lose track.

I've now reached a point where I don't even bother anymore. I just wish I could stop caring as well.

Same here, when I see some of my friends facebook status or what they talk about in general 90% of the time is stuff that just have no meaning to me or that I have no interest in. That's why I rarely miss people in general when we get out of touch.

same situation here. I was with my "close(mother, grandmother/father, aunt)" family the last 3 days, and I'm always in these situations, specially with 1 of my familiars, I'm always scared that they gonna ask something embarrassing. luckily there didn't come any grandaunts, granduncles etc(which i have many), because its every time so extremely awkward, when they question things like "how, are you, how is university, what do you study?, you like it? you have a girlfriend?" and the biggest problem is when everyone is just expecting and waiting for my answer, maybe like 6 people just starring at me. Also very awkward is when a familiar makes a joke with something related to me, like, "so if you live alone, you can have parties and invite girls and have orgies LOL" he doesnt say it exactly like this, but vey similar. i never know what to say and put a fake smile on my face and feel ashamed how incompetent i am in social situations

Robyncinnamon said:

Hi Tulicks,

I have these issues too and in my past I connected with people the most when I was drunk all the time. I had a family dinner last night and the same thing happened to me, I was fake laughing/smiling a lot. My counselor also wants to put me on medication for anxiety.

I have been reading a lot and got advice about making friends and one thing I have found helpful is to ask other people a lot of questions so you are part of the conversation but you are focussing on the other person not yourself. Then if you can with some of their answers you may be able to relate it to something you have experienced.

Something I read recently really spoke to me but it's a bit less practical - it said that you make connections by going through things with people, by going through an experience together, overcoming something together as then you have common ground with that person. I believe this is so true but it's hard to make youself and someone else go through something together hehe. But it suggested joining something or suggesting to someone you know to do something together e.g. going for a walk, joining a club or something so you go through something together. It pointed out that if you just catch up for lunch occasionally with most people this won't connect you.

Hope that makes sense

Robyn

Click to expand...

Ohh Yep. Drinking beer / wine / spirit with people is how I interact. About age 3 or 4 was when I had Xmas with family, getting drunk, due to my older brother's wine. Fake laughing and smiling makes sense. The way EVERYONE normal (say, girls) always laughs and twitters if there is a reason, or not.

Yep - reading novels has been my way to enliven my grammatical, vocabulary, and humour, when alone, looking for interviews. I am isolated.

Now by myself, I've given up any drinking - no point. It was best as a student...