Guilt and Toxic People

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Beatrice

Guest
So, I was Googling ways of dealing with toxic people, and I found this site.

How to Deal With Toxic People|People Skills Decoded

I think it is probably correct in what it says.

I believe my dad's side of the family is toxic. They are a bunch of deluded, manipulative control-freaks who think everyone has issues but them. And this is no exaggeration.

Unfortunately, I live with these people. Hopefully not for much longer. But while I'm still here, I have to figure out how to navigate the treacherous waters of their mind games.

Anyway, to cut to the chase.... how do you all deal with guilt? I mean, false guilt - the kind someone tries to use to break your will and just make you feel like crap overall.

And how do you deal with these types of people?


I think the best approach is really just to cut them out of your life, but I'm terrified of trying to do so. I may have to once I get out of here, just have to figure out a way to do it....
 

Feathers

Well-known member
Sounds like a tough situation, yup...

Well, can you be as independent as you can? eg do your own laundry, cook, do your fair share (so they can't hold things against you) Try to make some money too, as soon as you can, so you are financially independent as well as soon as possible..

Yeah, I know what you mean with 'they think everyone else has issues'... If they are religious maybe it can help to quote the Bible? (there's a quote that people see a small thing in another's eye and don't see a big problem with themselves - don't know how to say it in English right now lol)

Can you get a SUPPORT network elsewhere?

Some people on this website didn't really have support at home, and they managed to find support both here and in RL too.. Not just one person, but a whole team and support group etc!!
Can you find that where you live? (Might need to do some googling... :))

It's important that YOU know that you are working on things and improving your life!!

Also, if you realize they may be neurotic/have problems/forgetful from age/ADD etc it might help you survive the situation too..

And if you find out what the 'trigger situations' are (both for you and them) and try to avoid them by eg better time management and planning etc or find ways for dealing with the situations..
Sometimes 'heart to heart' 'honest' talks can help too..

(Honestly, if you live with them, doing the dishes or cooking can create A LOT of goodwill too..)
(It may be the last thing you might want to do if you're angry with them, it may create a more pleasant atmosphere though.. yikes..)

I wish it would be easier, just hang in there and hope you manage to make things work!!
 

Richey

Well-known member
Distance yourself from them but at the same time play along with them because when you break it all down, they are just playing a game, the control is a defense mechanism for them? Why? Because to them it makes them feel strong and often people only live in their world of tunnel vision. If you combine the fact that they may not be open minded then they can very toxic. If they also lack the ability to express empathy and have anger issues then these are very toxic personalities to be around, the reason they are this way? Mental trauma at an early age, struggling to handle pressures at work. What you will find is that some people don't question their own motives or action and live in the moment, if these people never take the time to analyse or second guess themselves then they come across as very self assured and confident but may also have very harmful traits as well because they never audit themselves like a more introverted person would do. They may also be the sorts of people that believe that everyone else in the world MUST fit into their value system, so anyone who contradicts their beliefs must be wrong, again this comes down to lack of open mindedness to others peoples opinions and ideas. So you will notice they play mind games to suit their own agendas? Also you will notice that they twist words so that they win an argument even if they change what they originally said at a previous time.

Toxic people, often impossible to reason with, in my experience I keep a distance from them but at the same time I express myself enough to stand up for myself which often leads to huge arguments where GUILT as you mentioned is thrown at me often in the most extremely dramatic ways. I have also learnt that with some of these people just to keep the peace I just agree with them even if i don't agree, why? Because I would rather not go through the pain of their reactions to me actually speaking my mind because they don't like it when I show Independent thought, they just want me to agree with their views or to shut up if i disagree, nice huh? It saves me hours and hours of useless arguments where I am open minded and the others are only thinking about "Winning" their belief on certain issues. It always ends the same.

So start looking at building your own friendships and support networks, which is not easy but at least it will get you away from those toxic environments, in fact hobbies and interests outside of the house can also take you out of that setting for at least a little while.
 
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Beatrice

Guest
Distance yourself from them but at the same time play along with them because when you break it all down, they are just playing a game, the control is a defense mechanism for them? Why? Because to them it makes them feel strong and often people only live in their world of tunnel vision. If you combine the fact that they may not be open minded then they can very toxic. If they also lack the ability to express empathy and have anger issues then these are very toxic personalities to be around, the reason they are this way? Mental trauma at an early age, struggling to handle pressures at work. What you will find is that some people don't question their own motives or action and live in the moment, if these people never take the time to analyse or second guess themselves then they come across as very self assured and confident but may also have very harmful traits as well because they never audit themselves like a more introverted person would do. They may also be the sorts of people that believe that everyone else in the world MUST fit into their value system, so anyone who contradicts their beliefs must be wrong, again this comes down to lack of open mindedness to others peoples opinions and ideas. So you will notice they play mind games to suit their own agendas? Also you will notice that they twist words so that they win an argument even if they change what they originally said at a previous time.

Toxic people, often impossible to reason with, in my experience I keep a distance from them but at the same time I express myself enough to stand up for myself which often leads to huge arguments where GUILT as you mentioned is thrown at me often in the most extremely dramatic ways. I have also learnt that with some of these people just to keep the peace I just agree with them even if i don't agree, why? Because I would rather not go through the pain of their reactions to me actually speaking my mind because they don't like it when I show Independent thought, they just want me to agree with their views or to shut up if i disagree, nice huh?

I agree with everything you said. Absolutely. This describes these people to a T. They are impossible, absolutely impossible to deal with, and I lack the communication skills and confidence to handle them in a satisfactory way. Like you said, I think I just have to play along for now, even though it bothers me and goes against my own feelings. It's only two more months.

Thanks to both of you for the input.
 

Richey

Well-known member
I've had best friends, relatives, work colleagues that all had that condescending control-freak and arrogant persona, it got to the stange where I felt like the joke was on me that these people were just appearing from everywhere, I now tend to block those people out, will still acknowledge them but I just want some nice friendly, normal, RELAXED, NON-INTESE and open minded friends, people around me for once. The empathy in me wants the toxic people to snap out of it though, I don't think badly of them I just would rather not be around them because my placid personality is a direct clash to them even though I can be opinionated when it suits me.
 
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Beatrice

Guest
I've had best friends, relatives, work colleagues that all had that condescending control-freak and arrogant persona, it got to the stange where I felt like the joke was on me that these people were just appearing from everywhere, I now tend to block those people out, will still acknowledge them but I just want some nice friendly, normal, RELAXED, NON-INTESE and open minded friends, people around me for once. The empathy in me wants the toxic people to snap out of it though, I don't think badly of them I just would rather not be around them because my placid personality is a direct clash to them even though I can be opinionated when it suits me.

The people I'm talking about are more than just that, though. They're downright abusive. I wish I could not think badly of them, but after all they've done, I have to say.... I hate them. I don't like to hate, and I try not to. But I truly hate them for the way they are. They are terrible people, and the sick thing is they think they're wonderful....
 

Richey

Well-known member
The people I'm talking about are more than just that, though. They're downright abusive. I wish I could not think badly of them, but after all they've done, I have to say.... I hate them. I don't like to hate, and I try not to. But I truly hate them for the way they are. They are terrible people, and the sick thing is they think they're wonderful....

If they are being downright verbally abusive then its understandable your reaction to them, if this is the case then try your best to stay out of the house until later in the evening perhaps and find a way to live somewhere else perhaps. Perhaps even make up stories that you need to stay in your room to study for exams for something made up. Fake it to avoid them for a while as much as you can so you can avoid them for a while. On the flipside perhaps try to confront them and tell them that their behaviour is a concern to you and that you would appreciate them treating you like an equal human being. Its easier said then done, I know.
 

IGotSeoul

Well-known member
I just want some nice friendly, normal, RELAXED, NON-INTESE and open minded friends, people around me for once.

I've but one friend who fits that criteria. Nothing is more relaxing than just exchanging words with somebody who just wants to exchange words, openly, with a bit of thought, lightheartedly.

Not sure what I would do without her. Probably talk to a rock.
 

Rodney

Well-known member
I empathize with you. My dad's family is kind of like this too. My problem with them is that they'll be nice but then they'll let out an insult towards you and then you're like "so that's what they ACTUALLY think about me". After hearing so many of those insults you become to afraid to even talk to them because you know their TRUE feelings towards you.
 
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Beatrice

Guest
I empathize with you. My dad's family is kind of like this too. My problem with them is that they'll be nice but then they'll let out an insult towards you and then you're like "so that's what they ACTUALLY think about me". After hearing so many of those insults you become to afraid to even talk to them because you know their TRUE feelings towards you.

Ahhhh yes I know exactly what you mean!

My aunt always tries to act all nice with me, like she actually likes me. And then when I tick her off, she says nasty things behind my back. And one time she even spewed some really nasty stuff, saying, "You'll probably just end up f***ing some guy," Not sure where that came from...... Nice aunt I have.
 

Kiwong

Well-known member
I don't handle them very well. They make me ill.

Toxic people seem to have the most strident of loud voices and opinions. I avoid them all costs, but will not bite back at their spitefullness because that only escalates the conflict and I don't need it.

I think there are a lot more friendly positive people around and I try to focus on what they have to say.
 

Bustn Justin

Well-known member
I had a boss that would be real toxic and make me feel bad about myself. She got annoyed when I would avoid any contact with her and I would bite my tongue hard to I don't feed her negativity
 
My aunt always tries to act all nice with me, like she actually likes me. And then when I tick her off, she says nasty things behind my back

People like this have a "general" personality & view of people of: nasty/angry person with nastier temper

Which means: 1) their temper often does the "talking", so is not really quite how they see people/you, and 2) the small element of truth that does surface applies to everyone (ie people in general), not just yourself
 
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