Kaekae
Well-known member
Amongst other issues I have this deep-rooted, crushing fear of death. I can't pin point exactly when it started but I think it was around the time that my brother died (I wrote about this in a different thread a whole ago) I was 9 years old and I remember my mom taking my sisters and I to see his body at the funeral place.
I don't think it was solely seeing his body that ingrained this fear in me but the mixture of seeing it and being told it was my fault. I could never understand why. Why was it my fault? What a burden to place upon a child.
My stomach is in knots writing this but I need to get it out somehow.
The same few triggers set me off everytime. I can't think about space because I think about how it leads to death (how the sun won't last forever etc) I cannot comprehend that our world as we know it will one day cease to be.
Lying in bed and night when it is dark and quiet usually sets of a thought pattern which usually results in thinking about death and simply not existing, which then usually leads to a panic attack.
I avoid the news because of the constant bad news about murders and wars. I don't like driving in cars because I'm scared of crashing. Even crossing the road can be scary incase I get run over.
I need to get past this because worrying about it constantly means I'm not actually living and before I know it I'll be closer to death anyway.
Sorry if this post is long, it's nearly 2.30am and I can't sleep because of these thoughts so I'm not sure how much sense it makes.
I don't think it was solely seeing his body that ingrained this fear in me but the mixture of seeing it and being told it was my fault. I could never understand why. Why was it my fault? What a burden to place upon a child.
My stomach is in knots writing this but I need to get it out somehow.
The same few triggers set me off everytime. I can't think about space because I think about how it leads to death (how the sun won't last forever etc) I cannot comprehend that our world as we know it will one day cease to be.
Lying in bed and night when it is dark and quiet usually sets of a thought pattern which usually results in thinking about death and simply not existing, which then usually leads to a panic attack.
I avoid the news because of the constant bad news about murders and wars. I don't like driving in cars because I'm scared of crashing. Even crossing the road can be scary incase I get run over.
I need to get past this because worrying about it constantly means I'm not actually living and before I know it I'll be closer to death anyway.
Sorry if this post is long, it's nearly 2.30am and I can't sleep because of these thoughts so I'm not sure how much sense it makes.