Opaline
1
I need to know something. Is it the "right" thing to do to keep someone in your life who shows time and again he doesn't respect you, just because he's family and has done "so much" for you and may pass away within the next few years?
I've talked about my grandfather here before. I stopped talking to him for a year and he kept texting me anyway and making comments to my other siblings about me to make me feel guilty. When I describe the way he is to other people, they don't seem to think he's "that bad" and that "he's your grandfather and he loves you!" But, honestly... He may care about me, but he has an extremely poor way of showing it. It's hard to describe his behavior, it's one of those situations where you have to know the person and experience it yourself - like emotional abuse, it's subtle and insidious, but very real. It's NOT all in my head and I'm not just paranoid. Let me try to explain...
He's hated and tormented my mother for years and they no longer speak, but he still makes jabs at her. I recently graduated from community college, and both my mother and grandfather attended the ceremony. He made a rude remark directed toward my mother, which angered me that he would dare to be so incredibly rude at an event like that. Never mind that he didn't even bring me flowers or a card; I'm not greedy and don't care about gifts, but it did hurt that he didn't even get me one single rose or ANYTHING - it's the gesture that means something, and he did NOTHING. Except a text with a smiley face.
Any time I talk about something that interests me, he either zones out, interrupts to talk about something he’s interested in, or criticizes my interest. I’m not exaggerating. If I could, I’d have anyone reading this talk to my mother and sisters about these things. Even his son and daughter – my father and aunt – know these things are true about him and can’t stand him. My aunt has talked to me about his behavior on many, many occasions.
He’s said things like “I’d like to think I’ve had some influence over [what you do with] your body,” “I consider myself your stand-in father,” “…after everything I’ve done for you” and (to my mother), “If it weren’t for me, your kids would be going nowhere.”
There’s so, so much more; this is just the tip of the iceberg. But absolute bottom line, he’s controlling and manipulative and has anger issues. He doesn’t actually care about getting to know ME, he just has an IDEA of who I am and when I deviate in any way from this, he becomes angry.
Now, I’ve talked to him about this multiple times at this point. He’s claimed he understands and that I can go to him when I have a problem with him. This isn’t true, though, because he becomes angry or flat out ignores me when he does it again another time. I’m also very anxious in dealing with him assertively because he’s very domineering and yells and makes you feel guilty and like you are the one in the wrong and with the problem; you’re being ridiculous.
It's true that he has done a lot for me, but it's come at a high price. Abusers use everything they've done for you as a weapon to make you feel guilty and endure more of their abuse.
What should I do? I have to see him every Friday because he’s training me for something in the optometry field. I find myself come away angry and/or annoyed nearly every time I’m with him now. I can’t be myself around him. I don’t want him in my life – period. How can someone tell me this is wrong (and I have been told I’m being ridiculous!)? So what if he’s family? So what if he’s older and won’t be around long? So I should just keep dealing with the blatant disregard and unhappiness? What’s the point of that? To keep him happy, that’s all. It’s all about him. A relationship of any kind is supposed to be two-sided, though. If it was my mother behaving this way I’d cut her off in a heartbeat, because family isn't some holy thing. Abusive people are abusive, period, and no one should have to put up with them.
I wish I had a therapist to talk this over with, but I don't. I'm deeply conflicted but I have an overwhelming feeling that I'm being wronged and staying in a "relationship" with someone who doesn't even really know me or respect my feelings and individual personality and thoughts. But I feel so guilty at the thought of refusing to talk to him again. And I feel so terrified of having to pick up the phone and call him to say these things to him for the last time. I feel like I’m being cruel. But HE’S cruel. And I feel like it would be inappropriate and weak of me to text him or write a letter, but I can’t face the phone…
Any thoughts, advice, etc. are appreciated. Thanks for reading.
I've talked about my grandfather here before. I stopped talking to him for a year and he kept texting me anyway and making comments to my other siblings about me to make me feel guilty. When I describe the way he is to other people, they don't seem to think he's "that bad" and that "he's your grandfather and he loves you!" But, honestly... He may care about me, but he has an extremely poor way of showing it. It's hard to describe his behavior, it's one of those situations where you have to know the person and experience it yourself - like emotional abuse, it's subtle and insidious, but very real. It's NOT all in my head and I'm not just paranoid. Let me try to explain...
He's hated and tormented my mother for years and they no longer speak, but he still makes jabs at her. I recently graduated from community college, and both my mother and grandfather attended the ceremony. He made a rude remark directed toward my mother, which angered me that he would dare to be so incredibly rude at an event like that. Never mind that he didn't even bring me flowers or a card; I'm not greedy and don't care about gifts, but it did hurt that he didn't even get me one single rose or ANYTHING - it's the gesture that means something, and he did NOTHING. Except a text with a smiley face.
Any time I talk about something that interests me, he either zones out, interrupts to talk about something he’s interested in, or criticizes my interest. I’m not exaggerating. If I could, I’d have anyone reading this talk to my mother and sisters about these things. Even his son and daughter – my father and aunt – know these things are true about him and can’t stand him. My aunt has talked to me about his behavior on many, many occasions.
He’s said things like “I’d like to think I’ve had some influence over [what you do with] your body,” “I consider myself your stand-in father,” “…after everything I’ve done for you” and (to my mother), “If it weren’t for me, your kids would be going nowhere.”
There’s so, so much more; this is just the tip of the iceberg. But absolute bottom line, he’s controlling and manipulative and has anger issues. He doesn’t actually care about getting to know ME, he just has an IDEA of who I am and when I deviate in any way from this, he becomes angry.
Now, I’ve talked to him about this multiple times at this point. He’s claimed he understands and that I can go to him when I have a problem with him. This isn’t true, though, because he becomes angry or flat out ignores me when he does it again another time. I’m also very anxious in dealing with him assertively because he’s very domineering and yells and makes you feel guilty and like you are the one in the wrong and with the problem; you’re being ridiculous.
It's true that he has done a lot for me, but it's come at a high price. Abusers use everything they've done for you as a weapon to make you feel guilty and endure more of their abuse.
What should I do? I have to see him every Friday because he’s training me for something in the optometry field. I find myself come away angry and/or annoyed nearly every time I’m with him now. I can’t be myself around him. I don’t want him in my life – period. How can someone tell me this is wrong (and I have been told I’m being ridiculous!)? So what if he’s family? So what if he’s older and won’t be around long? So I should just keep dealing with the blatant disregard and unhappiness? What’s the point of that? To keep him happy, that’s all. It’s all about him. A relationship of any kind is supposed to be two-sided, though. If it was my mother behaving this way I’d cut her off in a heartbeat, because family isn't some holy thing. Abusive people are abusive, period, and no one should have to put up with them.
I wish I had a therapist to talk this over with, but I don't. I'm deeply conflicted but I have an overwhelming feeling that I'm being wronged and staying in a "relationship" with someone who doesn't even really know me or respect my feelings and individual personality and thoughts. But I feel so guilty at the thought of refusing to talk to him again. And I feel so terrified of having to pick up the phone and call him to say these things to him for the last time. I feel like I’m being cruel. But HE’S cruel. And I feel like it would be inappropriate and weak of me to text him or write a letter, but I can’t face the phone…
Any thoughts, advice, etc. are appreciated. Thanks for reading.
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