I hate my "best" friend

[Desperado]

English is not my first language so sorry if I'm not very articulate but I need to vent off a litle.

I'm feeling so bad right now, but not for something in particular but for about the last 20 years of my life. It's gotten to a point where I hate my friend and I want him to be dead and at the same time I feel guilty, I know I'm a horrible person and I'm responsible for my actual situation.

I'm almost 32 yo and I met my best friend in highschool. At that time I was quite confident in myself and kind of the "alpha" on the friendship: I was open about my feelings and thoughs and in our interactions with other groups I was more talkative and he was kind of in my shadow. At least that's what I though but for some reason as time passed I noticed that a lot of people planned things with him but kept me aside and he was having all kind of opportunities in life without even trying, when I was busting my *** to get what I wanted. The icing of the cake was when a girl from our class who I had a crush on and talked to her a lot went on a date with him almost without knowing him. That kind of things happened quite frecuently, my self-steem was taking hit after hit, I though that something was wrong with me; after a while it messed me so much that it ruined my studies and at that time I think I developed my social anxiety.

Years passed and now we have social networks, facebook and all of that and of course my friend gets a lot of attention there and I'm forgotten in a corner.Besides, he is now kind of an attention *****, I guess because he is used to the positive feedback. But one thing I've realized is that when he interacts with other people he uses a lot of what I tell him, my jokes, my likings, my thoughs on things and what not. Now, as I said, I was pretty open with my friend and he agreed with almost everything I said and he even told me a few times we were drunk that he admires me a lot. The thing is I feel so betrayed and envious I don't even want to tell him about nothing in case he uses it to get approbation from people. I'm so paranoid I'm scared to ask a girl I like on a date in case she met him and leaves me for him, that's how sick in my mind I am.


There is more than that to the story, he has his issues too and I think in a way we are dependant on each other but I want him out of my life. The hard part is that we share a lot of acquaintances and I don't have nowhere to go in terms of socializing.

Thoughs?

TL;DR: I'm jealous of my best friend, like I'm a teenager xD

 

[Taden]

Issues with long term friends like that can be HUGE deals, and sometimes everything you do to be an adult and respectful can still be thrown back at you because of hurt feelings.

Maybe a clean slate is what is best in the long run?
Keeping him in your life seems stressful, at least from what you have said. Most people grow apart over time and while its difficult to admit its time to part ways, sometimes it's better to just admit to each other that you are both very different now from when you were younger.

I can't give very specific advice because I'm not there but if you talk honestly and calmly with each other about having grown apart in personalities, I would hope that no hard feelings would come from that...but like I said, sometimes everything can be done right and there can still be hurt feelings left but at least then you can grow separately, and you no longer have a friend that you feel hatred towards.

I hope that helped, but either way I empathize with you and hope that the best comes out of your situation for you.

 

[Gieky]

Wow that is tough… On the one hand your feelings on this do seem somewhat immature although valid, but you are also being mature enough in recognizing them. If I were you I would not end this friendship, especially since it sounds like this friend hasn't done anything malicious to you. I only say this because I went through a situation where I cut off a friendship for petty reasons and it is something that I still regret to this day. I can’t say whether or not I could have changed my attitude had I kept the friendship – who knows! I can also see Taden's view that sometimes a clean slate is best, especially if you cannot change your attitude or if he is being a toxic friend.

P.S., I think you should at the very least be able to talk to your friend about not going out with girls you like – that is bro (and girl!) code.

 

[Desperado]

Thanks for your words.

I can agree with both of you: on one hand I know that it'll be very difficult for me to continue with our friendship since I feel this way but on the other hand I know he really isn't doing anything that much wrong as far as I know. Well, at least not now, I can think of some situations in the past where I was having the spotlight and he tried to mock me, and some subtle things like telling stories a little different that how they were to make him look better than me. At that time I didn't give it a lot of though but as time pass all these things pile up and when I started to notice how he uses all I say in his favor and at the same time I remember how he tried to downplay me things start to get ugly in my head.

Moreover, as I said, my self-steem is very low, I doubt myself, I know I have issues who made my life what is it now. I'm struggling to decide if he is that bad, if he is a toxic friend, or if all of this is normal in long term friendships and it's me who is being the toxic friend.

 

[migthymask]

Hola desesperado, creo que entiendes español, bueno pues a mi me paso lo mismo en la universidad, tenia un amigo que conoci desde la primaria, el era buena onda, pero no se sentia envidia, todo se le daba mas facil y no se eso me ponia mal, ahora se que nunca uno debe pensar asi, animo y espero puedas cambiar tus pensamientos.

Te comparto esta lectura que habla sobre la amistad.

José Emilio Pacheco
La zarpa
A Fernando Burgos

Padre, las cosas que habrá oído en el confesionario y aquí en la sacristía… Usted es joven, es hombre. Le será difícil entenderme. No sabe cuánto me apena quitarle tiempo con mis problemas, pero ¿a quién si no a usted puedo confiarme? De verdad no sé cómo empezar. Es pecado alegrarse del mal ajeno. Todos lo cometemos ¿no es cierto? Fíjese usted cuando hay un accidente, un crimen, un incendio. Qué alegría sienten los demás porque no fue para ellos al menos una entre tantas desgracias de este mundo.

Usted no es de aquí, padre, no conoció México cuando era una ciudad pequeña, preciosa, muy cómoda, no la monstruosidad que padecemos ahora en 1971. Entonces nacíamos y moríamos en el mismo sitio sin cambiarnos nunca de barrio. Éramos de San Rafael, de Santa María, de la colonia Roma. Nada volverá a ser igual… Perdone, estoy divagando. No tengo a nadie con quién hablar y cuando me suelto… Ay, padre, qué vergüenza, si supera, jamás me había atrevido a contarle esto a nadie, ni a usted. Pero ya estoy aquí. Después me sentiré más tranquila.

Mire, Rosalba y yo nacimos en edificios de la misma calle, con apenas tres meses de diferencia. Nuestras madres eran muy amigas. Nos llevaban juntas a la Alameda y a Chapultepec. Juntas nos enseñaron a hablar y a caminar. Desde que entramos en la escuela de párvulos Rosalba fue la más linda, la más graciosa, la más inteligente. Le caía bien a todos, era amable con todos. En primaria y secundaria lo mismo: la mejor alumna, la que portaba la bandera en las ceremonias, bailaba, actuaba o recitaba en los festivales. “No me cuesta trabajo estudiar”, decía. “Me basta oír algo para aprendérmelo de memoria.”

Ay, padre, ¿por qué las cosas están mal repartidas? ¿Por qué a Rosalba le tocó lo bueno y a mí lo malo? Fea, gorda, bruta, antipática, grosera, díscola, malgeniosa. En fin… Ya se imaginará lo que nos pasó al llegar a la preparatoria cuando pocas mujeres alcanzaban esos niveles. Todos querían ser novios de Rosalba. A mí que me comieran los perros: nadie se iba a fijar en la amiga fea de la muchacha guapa.

En un periodiquito estudiantil publicaron: “dicen las malas lenguas que Rosalba anda por todas partes con Zenobia para que el contraste haga resplandecer aún más su belleza única, extraordinaria, incomparable”. Desde luego la nota no estaba firmada. Pero sé quién la escribió. No lo perdono aunque haya pasado más de medio siglo y hoy sea muy importante.

Qué injusticia ¿no cree? Nadie escoge su cara. Si alguien nace fea por fuera la gente se las arregla para que también se vaya haciendo horrible por dentro. A los quince años, padre, ya estaba amargada. Odiaba a mi mejor amiga y no podía demostrarlo porque ella era siempre buena, amable, cariñosa conmigo. Cuando me quejaba de mi aspecto me decía: “Qué tonta eres. Cómo puedes creerte fea con esos ojos y esa sonrisa tan bonita que tienes”. Era sólo la juventud, sin duda. A esa edad no hay quien no tenga su gracia.

Mi madre se había dado cuenta del problema. Para consolarme hablaba de cuánto sufren las mujeres hermosas y qué fácilmente se pierden. Yo quería estudiar Derecho, ser abogada, aunque entonces daba risa que una mujer anduviera en trabajos de hombre. Habíamos pasado juntas toda la vida y no me animé a entrar en la universidad sin Rosalba.

Aún no terminábamos la preparatoria cuando ella se casó con un muchacho bien que la había conocido en una kermés. Se la llevó a vivir al Paseo de la Reforma en una casa elegantísima que demolieron hace mucho tiempo. Desde luego me invitó a la boda pero no fui. “Rosalba, ¿qué me pongo? Los invitados de tu esposo van a pensar que llevaste a tu criada.”

Tanta ilusión que tuve y desde los dieciocho años me vi obligada a trabajar, primero en El Palacio de Hierro y luego de secretaria en Hacienda y Crédito Público. Me quedé arrumbada en el departamento donde nací, en las calles de Pino. Santa María perdió su esplendor de comienzos de siglo y se vino abajo. Para entonces mi madre ya había muerto en medio de sufrimientos terribles, mi padre estaba ciego por sus vicios de juventud, mi hermano era un borracho que tocaba la guitarra, hacía canciones y ambicionaba la gloria y la fortuna de Agustín Lara. Pobre de mi hermano: toda la vida quiso hacerse digno de Rosalba y murió asesinado en un tugurio de Nonoalco.

Pasamos mucho tiempo sin vernos. Un día Rosalba llegó a la sección de ropa íntima, me saludó como si nada y me presentó a su nuevo esposo, un extranjero que apenas entendía el español. Ay, padre, aunque no lo crea, Rosalba estaba más linda y elegante que nunca, en plenitud, como suele decirse. Me sentí tan mal que me hubiera gustado verla caer muerta a mis pies. Y lo peor, lo más doloroso, era que ella, con toda su fortuna y su hermosura, seguía tan amable, tan sencilla de trato como siempre.

Prometí visitarla en su nueva casa de Las Lomas. No lo hice jamás. Por las noches rogaba a Dios no volver a encontrármela. Me decía a mí misma: Rosalba nunca viene a El Palacio de Hierro, compra su ropa en Estados Unidos, no tengo teléfono, no hay ninguna posibilidad de que nos veamos de nuevo.

A esas alturas casi todas nuestras amigas se habían alejado de Santa María. Las que seguían allí estaban gordas, llenas de hijos, con maridos que les gritaban y les pegaban y se iban de juerga con mujeres de ésas. Para vivir en esa forma mejor no casarse. No me casé aunque oportunidades no me faltaron. Por más amolados que estemos siempre viene alguien a nuestra espalda recogiendo lo que tiramos a la basura.

Se fueron los años. Sería época de Ávila Camacho o Alemán cuando una tarde en que esperaba el tranvía bajo la lluvia la descubrí en su gran Cadillac, con chofer de uniforme y toda la cosa. El automóvil se detuvo ante un semáforo. Rosalba me identificó entre la gente y se ofreció a llevarme. Se había casado por cuarta o quinta vez, aunque parezca increíble. A pesar de tanto tiempo, gracias a sus esmeros, seguía siendo la misma: su cara fresca de muchacha, su cuerpo esbelto, sus ojos verdes, su pelo castaño, sus dientes perfectos…

Me reclamó que no la buscara, aunque ella me mandaba cada año tarjetas de Navidad. Me dijo que el próximo domingo el chofer iría a recogerme para que cenáramos en su casa. Cuando llegamos, por cortesía la invité a pasar. Y aceptó, padre, imagínese: aceptó. Ya se figurará la pena que me dio mostrarle el departamento a ella que vivía entre tantos lujos y comodidades. Aunque limpio y arreglado, aquello era el mismo cuchitril que conoció Rosalba cuando andaba también de pobretona. Todo tan viejo y miserable que por poco me suelto a llorar de rabia y de vergüenza.

Rosalba se entristeció. Nunca antes había regresado a sus orígenes. Hicimos recuerdos de aquellas épocas. De repente se puso a contarme qué infeliz se sentía. Por eso, padre, y fíjese en quién se lo dice, no debemos sentir envidia: nadie se escapa, la vida es igual de terrible con todos. La tragedia de Rosalba era no tener hijos. Los hombres la ilusionaban un momento. En seguida, decepcionada, aceptaba a algún otro de los muchos que la pretendían. Pobre Rosalba, nunca la dejaron en paz, lo mismo en Santa María que en la preparatoria o en esos lugares tan ricos y elegantes que conoció más tarde.

Se quedó poco tiempo. Iba a una fiesta y tenía que arreglarse. El domingo se presentó el chofer. Estuvo toca y toca el timbre. Lo espié por la ventana y no le abrí. Qué iba a hacer yo, la fea, la gorda, la quedada, la solterona, la empleadilla, en ese ambiente de riqueza. Para qué exponerme a ser comparada de nuevo con Rosalba. No seré nadie pero tengo mi orgullo.

Ese encuentro se me grabó en el alma. Si iba al cine o me sentaba a ver la televisión o a hojear revistas siempre encontraba mujeres hermosas parecidas a Rosalba. Cuando en el trabajo me tocaba atender a una muchacha que tuviera algún rasgo de ella, la trataba mal, le inventaba dificultades, buscaba formas de humillarla delante de los otros empleados para sentir: Me estoy vengando de Rosalba.

Usted me preguntará, padre, qué me hizo Rosalba. Nada, lo que se llama nada. Eso era lo peor y lo que más furia me daba. Insisto, padre: siempre fue buena y cariñosa conmigo. Pero me hundió, me arruinó la vida, sólo por existir, por ser tan bella, tan inteligente, tan rica, tan todo.

Yo sé lo que es estar en el infierno, padre. Sin embargo, no hay plazo que no se cumpla ni deuda que no se pague. Aquella reunión en Santa María debe de haber sido en 1946. De modo que esperé un cuarto de siglo. Y al fin hoy, padre, esta mañana la vi en la esquina de Madero y Palma. Primero de lejos, después muy de cerca. No puede imaginarse, padre: ese cuerpo maravilloso, esa cara, esas piernas, esos ojos, ese cabello, ser perdieron para siempre en un tonel de manteca, bolsas, manchas, arrugas, papadas, várices, canas, maquillaje, colorete, rímel, dientes falsos, pestañas postizas, lentes de fondo de botella.

Me apresuré a besarla y abrazarla. Había acabado lo que nos separó. No importaba lo de antes. Ya nunca más seríamos una la fea y otra la bonita. Ahora Rosalba y yo somos iguales. Ahora la vejez nos ha hecho iguales.

 

[Desperado]

Hola desesperado, creo que entiendes español, bueno pues a mi me paso lo mismo en la universidad, tenia un amigo que conoci desde la primaria, el era buena onda, pero no se sentia envidia, todo se le daba mas facil y no se eso me ponia mal, ahora se que nunca uno debe pensar asi, animo y espero puedas cambiar tus pensamientos.

Hola migthymask. Efectivamente, el español es mi idioma natal. Como tú bien dices uno nunca debería pensar así, esa ha sido mi filosofia durante casi 20 años solo recientemente he empezado a resentirme con mi amigo. A lo largo de los años que he tenido esta amistad he razonado en mi mente que las cosas son así, aceptaría totalmente que él gustase más a la gente. El problema es que siempre he pecado de ingenuo y confiado, pero con los años he ido atando cabos y me he dado cuenta de que esta persona se comporta conmigo de una manera y luego con el resto de la gente es otro totalmente distinto, me siento totalmente engañado. Es como si cuando está solo conmigo intentara apaciguar mi personalidad y luego cuando está con otra gente intentase imitarme.

En fin, es dificil de explicar porque es una historia de muchos años y son sutilezas que he ido captando con el paso del tiempo. Simplemente necesitaba desahogarme un poco.

Muchas gracias por la historia, en algunas cosas se parece a la mia, aunque ya te digo que tengo otros amigos a los que les va mejor y no siento lo mismo hacia ellos, ni tengo esa sensación de que me estan perjudicando.

 

[nodejesque]

Hi Desperado.

Its best to dstance yourself. Seeing as its been a relationship for some time, you can start slowly pulling away. Its easy to project insecurities on those whom are regarded as vulnerable. But you have to decide if you want to continue such a toxic friendship, or just start anew. I too have had people like that whom have acted as friends, but don't be fooled as they are anything but a so-called friend.

It will be hard at first, because it has become a co-dependency, but in the end, it is for the best.

Animo, amigo. Personas asi no valen la pena. Especialmente cuando se aprovechan de ti de esa manera.

Mejor solo que mal acompañado, no?


Suerte

 

[Desperado]

Thanks for your input, nodejesque :thumbup:

 

[theoutsider]

English is not my first language so sorry if I'm not very articulate but I need to vent off a litle.

I'm feeling so bad right now, but not for something in particular but for about the last 20 years of my life. It's gotten to a point where I hate my friend and I want him to be dead and at the same time I feel guilty, I know I'm a horrible person and I'm responsible for my actual situation.

I'm almost 32 yo and I met my best friend in highschool. At that time I was quite confident in myself and kind of the "alpha" on the friendship: I was open about my feelings and thoughs and in our interactions with other groups I was more talkative and he was kind of in my shadow. At least that's what I though but for some reason as time passed I noticed that a lot of people planned things with him but kept me aside and he was having all kind of opportunities in life without even trying, when I was busting my *** to get what I wanted. The icing of the cake was when a girl from our class who I had a crush on and talked to her a lot went on a date with him almost without knowing him. That kind of things happened quite frecuently, my self-steem was taking hit after hit, I though that something was wrong with me; after a while it messed me so much that it ruined my studies and at that time I think I developed my social anxiety.

Years passed and now we have social networks, facebook and all of that and of course my friend gets a lot of attention there and I'm forgotten in a corner.Besides, he is now kind of an attention *****, I guess because he is used to the positive feedback. But one thing I've realized is that when he interacts with other people he uses a lot of what I tell him, my jokes, my likings, my thoughs on things and what not. Now, as I said, I was pretty open with my friend and he agreed with almost everything I said and he even told me a few times we were drunk that he admires me a lot. The thing is I feel so betrayed and envious I don't even want to tell him about nothing in case he uses it to get approbation from people. I'm so paranoid I'm scared to ask a girl I like on a date in case she met him and leaves me for him, that's how sick in my mind I am.


There is more than that to the story, he has his issues too and I think in a way we are dependant on each other but I want him out of my life. The hard part is that we share a lot of acquaintances and I don't have nowhere to go in terms of socializing.

Thoughs?

TL;DR: I'm jealous of my best friend, like I'm a teenager xD

Wow. Just reading this and I have so many mixed feelings because I can see a lot of similarities from both sides of what I went through with an old friend I've known from childhood. We used to be like two peas in a pod.

Here are the issues I experienced that may help you:

He wanted me to be his sidekick. When we were very young he was shy and I was more outgoing. But his family had money while mine struggled at times. He had the best clothes and other things while I didn't. Because of that, he got more attention. As we grew older I was able buy my own things because I worked part time jobs. Thus, I began to get just as much if not more attention as he did. He never could come to grips with this as he envisioned himself as socially better than I. Also, he wasn't over his shyness so, like you discovered with your friend, I would find him using things I told him or jokes that I came up with to make himself seem more socially competent. He eventually began to use underhanded tricks to try to make himself more popular than me amongst our friends like starting rumors, telling people things I told him in confidence and making inside jokes that I wasn't privy to.

He envisioned himself as the alpha in the relationship because of his social status but had to come face to face with the fact that he wasn't. I was my own person and that caused him to have issues. On that subject, I would say that maybe you undervalued your friend when you saw yourself as the alpha and the fact that he began to get a lot of attention awoke the insecurities that may have been hiding in you all along. When you couldn't be the top dog maybe that made you feel somehow wronged. It's not his fault that you either underestimated him or he eventually grew into his own.

On the other hand, the fact that he uses things you've said to him (basically the equivalent of a comedian stealing another's material) to make himself seem more interesting tells me that your main use to him is to be used as his social crutch. You don't need that and he needs to either make it or not on his own. But as long as you continue a close relationship with him he will continue to use you.

My conclusion? Distance yourself from him. Stop being so close. It's okay if you bump into each other or even talk sometimes because you share the same acquaintances but keep your distance. This is a toxic relationship and I fear that both of you are at fault. At least stay away from him until you can work out your own issues. With some people it's just better to love them from afar.

 

[Srijita52]

I think you could use a break, it doesn't feel nice to be ignored or shadowed. I was in a similar situation with this friend who used me as her sidekick. Ever since I've distanced myself from her I'm feeling a lot more confident. Sure, I'm not well known but I'm independent. I'm also able to be okay with her company now though I keep my distance.

 

[Gieky]

Well, at least not now, I can think of some situations in the past where I was having the spotlight and he tried to mock me, and some subtle things like telling stories a little different that how they were to make him look better than me. At that time I didn't give it a lot of though but as time pass all these things pile up and when I started to notice how he uses all I say in his favor and at the same time I remember how he tried to downplay me things start to get ugly in my head.

If you feel he is trying to put you down, that's no good. It sounds like your instincts are probably right about him. Friends make fun of each other all the time, but you usually can feel the difference when they do it to make you laugh or to laugh at your expense.

 

[Desperado]

Thanks for the advice guys. I was starting to think that I was insane, glad to know that other people had similar problems or at least understand what I'm refering to.

theoutsider, I think of me as "alpha" because still when I'm with him and other people and I feel relaxed and forget about my issues, I make people laugh, I'm witty and I'm capable of having great conversations. When that happens I can feel sometimes he feels shadowed and doesn't like it and then he plans to hang out with people without telling me, that is something I wasn't aware until recently and was one of the reasons I started to get paranoid with him. I confronted him about that and he told me excuses like: "oh I though you were busy... oh I though you didn't like blabla.. etc". On the other hand, when I hang out with him alone we have a good time and that's why at first I wasn't aware that maybe he isn't playing it fair.

As I said it's a long story, years of noticing subtle things and 've always been kind of candid and good willed towards friendship so I guess I tried to ignore the problem in some way.

Again, thanks for the advice, I feel much better.

 

[jaim38]

I think you should grow apart from your friend. Get your own circle of friends and work on your own life. Being jealous does nothing.Instead of trying so hard to be popular, why not work on creating meaningful, deep friendships. The girl who rejected you for your friend - think of it as her loss. There are better fishes out there.

BTW, I can relate. Many years ago, I was very active in school. I joined clubs, did very well on academics, got top scores, was several teachers' pets, pretty much one of the model students in class. On several occasions, I helped my friends with their stuff. They weren't as strong in academics as I was. Now fast forward many years later. I am a semi-agoraphobic unemployed person, living with my parents. My friends on the other hand, rose to the top. They're engineers, executives, and make top money. At first, my natural reaction was to feel jealous. I just couldn't believe it! People had high hopes for me many years ago. Now, I'm all way at the bottom of the food chain. But then I realized that I got to where I am for a reason. Everybody goes through different paths in life. Some material success while others chose an alternative path. It's completely OK.

Find your path in life. Don't try to copy other people.