How do you word it to friends that you don't want to hang out due to anxiety?

[SilentAndShy]

I've got two (my only friends) close friends that I've got and I rarely see them due to them working and handling married life and me being at home, unemployed, SA and depressed etc.

One of them texts me regularly and he's said in messages that we should meet up and go for a meal and I think: "Bloody hell! I can't, my anxiety would creep up and I'd eff up".

My anxiety is driven by me being completely uncomfortable or incapable of driving my car sufficiently to the point that I fear I won't end up bringing it home in one piece and or that I'll damage it.

So if he wants to hang out, the above will happen and my confidence even more shot then it already is. So when he sent me that text asking to go out, I kinda didn't reply to it. He probably thinks bad of me but I can't tell him my SA issues as he wouldn't understand.

How do you peeps explain that you don't want to hang out to friends or family?

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Family for me would be a little harder. But, with your friend I think you should tell him. If he doesn't understand, that's his problem. As you left the situation now, he doesn't understand so you might as well as tell him.
Maybe direct him to a few websites, so he can research it himself.

 

[SilentAndShy]

I've pondered about it but even if I did tell him, he'd want to make a more conscience effort just because he knows I might not be "well". That would make me even more uncomfortable. Hopefully once I feel better, I'll be able to fill in the gaps as to why I wasn't socialable during that period.

 

[lyricalliaisons]

Just tell the truth. Say you have social anxiety disorder. That's what I did.

 

[Isolated_Writer]

It might go better then you expected. I have two friends, which is kinda great since I haven't had friends in a while. I had the same problem as you and wasn't sure if I should tell them. Even though they didn't understand at first, it was better than them thinking I was rude. They know I hate texting and talking over the phone so they don't bother me with that much. Also, they understand that often I won't talk to them for long periods of time and I'll rarely go out with them. It's not personal.

 

[Unspoken]

Tell them you're feeling super-stressed and ask if they want some coffee and snacks at your place sometime, or something.

 

[IntheLabyrinth]

If you hide it, it only causes you more anxiety. You're right about it being uncomfortable telling them, but that will pass. It's also uncomfortable hiding it, and is unlikely to ever get easier so you're better off telling them. If your one friend is the helping type like you mentioned, he will likely handle it how you ask him to. I mean he will probably let you open up about it at your own pace if that is what you ask him to do.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

I don't know if this is relevant, but why don't you just take the bus?

 

[SilentAndShy]

I don't know if this is relevant, but why don't you just take the bus?

A valid question but one that's tough to explain and one that might see you look at me and think, WTF?!

We normally tend to meet up in the evenings, i.e. go for a meal. Buses come every half hour and it's kinda like a rep thing - Oh, look at him catching the bus while your friends have cars that they can drive and be good at it.

They might offer to pick me up or if they call me to go for a meal, I might give some bull about the car being out of action and hope they offer a pick up. I hate doing that because in general, I don't have the assertiveness to ask people to do things for me because I think they're going out of their way just for me.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

A valid question but one that's tough to explain and one that might see you look at me and think, WTF?!

We normally tend to meet up in the evenings, i.e. go for a meal. Buses come every half hour and it's kinda like a rep thing - Oh, look at him catching the bus while your friends have cars that they can drive and be good at it.

They might offer to pick me up or if they call me to go for a meal, I might give some bull about the car being out of action and hope they offer a pick up. I hate doing that because in general, I don't have the assertiveness to ask people to do things for me because I think they're going out of their way just for me.

Hehe I'm not thinking "WTF" at all. I'm not sure if I understood well, but if you're just ashamed of taking the bus you should really get over it. Why don't you tell your friend that you don't like driving so you're going to take the bus, and if he suggest to pick you up you can say yes (or no).

What I'm trying to say is that, if you don't want to maintain this relationship, just tell him you're too busy, but if you care about it, there IS a way for you to do it.

 

[TableFor1]

I've got two (my only friends) close friends that I've got and I rarely see them due to them working and handling married life and me being at home, unemployed, SA and depressed etc.

One of them texts me regularly and he's said in messages that we should meet up and go for a meal and I think: "Bloody hell! I can't, my anxiety would creep up and I'd eff up".

My anxiety is driven by me being completely uncomfortable or incapable of driving my car sufficiently to the point that I fear I won't end up bringing it home in one piece and or that I'll damage it.

So if he wants to hang out, the above will happen and my confidence even more shot then it already is. So when he sent me that text asking to go out, I kinda didn't reply to it. He probably thinks bad of me but I can't tell him my SA issues as he wouldn't understand.

How do you peeps explain that you don't want to hang out to friends or family?

I still deal with opening up to certain people as well. I've recently told 3 people and I won't lie, it was hard, but glad and relieved I did. I was concerned they thought was just ignoring them and didn't want them in my life at all. They now know I have this "thing" to deal with and I will do my best to keep in touch as much a possible and to please understand what is going on if Im out of touch for while. You obviously care about them or it wouldn't concern you - it's clear "you are" a good friend. Take your time, there is NO rush. Good luck!

 

[TableFor1]

Tell them you're feeling super-stressed and ask if they want some coffee and snacks at your place sometime, or something.

Great advice!

 

[mikebird]

I'm in the same situation. I know I'm a burden on anyone I try to contact

Occasional contact by text is enough stress for me - at Xmas and New Year as usual, invited out for BIG events we always have. Where I am always comfortable. I was happy to drive across the country to get there.

The ring of that phone!! Even when I know exactly who it is (rare - it's usually a universal anonymous stranger with no ID) :sad:

The signal is that I want and need people who operate like I do. I wanted a postcode to get there by road, using GPS. It's impossible to know the postcode unless it's a business or your own house. It would be a derelict warehouse. Asking for two street names nearby in the city would get me there - exactly what I'd provide to someone else, if I popped outside to find out. Too much to ask of others.

As for meeting at my place has been OK - with my birthday in June, two years ago. Not 2012. Friends say NO to coffee or tea. They can't let 10 seconds go by without a rollup cigarette, but that's not for me.

I'm at the bottom of the heap for friends.

I was right up, as the one earning well straight after graduation, 1998. With a car, enjoying social life into perfection, while others gave up and took a few gap years. 10 years later, there's been new degrees for people. Splits with partners. My split happened in 2001. Now people are in work, but don't really like or enjoy it. My decade of goodness has made me happy with everything I've loved, and have never performed anything I didn't like and have been fascinated, and never bored. Now is the worst.

There you go - phases of situation. Stuck in a rut.

I think that any outgoing, bubbly person starting in sales, wearing his tuxedo or her beautiful dress every day at work sets them up for a forever job, and the pleasure will never end.

Life begins with smiling. Teeeth out!! Sparkling!! :bigsmile:

 

[SilentAndShy]

You obviously care about them or it wouldn't concern you - it's clear "you are" a good friend. Take your time, there is NO rush. Good luck!

Thank you.

Well, I've found an excuse not to take my car. My tyre needs air that was happily pointed out by my brother and then my other brother added his worthless-two pence comment.

I might text one of my friends tomorrow or on the weekend, just see how he is doing.

 

[onehandclapping]

its very difficult for me to tell people without totally declaring my mental health problems or having to remind them that I have social anxiety. I told a friend a while back I wasn't feeling very well (which is true because I was depressed and anxious) and they replied by saying yea i'm not very well either ,I think I have that stomach bug...:kickingmyself:

 

[FeartheGreat]

I hear your plea. I too have had this problem before. Near the end of my high school days I had a few friends who wanted to keep in touch and invite me out for a drink or whatever over Facebook. I did the same thing as you and didn't respond due to my SA and as a result I no longer use my Facebook account. It's been 5 years since I life high and I pretty much lost contact with all of them. Even though in high school they were nothing but good to me almost like brothers. I keep telling myself its probably for the best even though I felt awful ignoring them... But such is the life of me.

 

[kotulakj2]

I know how you feel man. I'm a type of person that basically has 2 friends and the 2 friends I do have I went out with them last week for the first time in like 3 years. I'm going to assume you value your independence because of your social anxiety. Well I kind of feel similar to you, but I won't go out with friends because I value my home and independence. But I know I probably would never be able to meet a girl because of fear I don't value friends like she does. Basically just tell them the truth is the best advice I could give you. The sad part of our society is that people get judged for the qualities that bother people most. To me though that's not fair, because there is so many positive qualities people have about them and to judge someone because of 1 or 2 is silly. I mean let's look at it from let's say a relationship standpoint with meeting girls. Just because you're extremely quiet and may not want to go out much, doesn't mean that girl should judge you for those qualities and throw out the fact that you may be trustworthy, kind, and a good soul. Same thing with friends. Sure you may be quiet, but what about other qualities you bring to the table, do friends harp on you being quiet or do they only care and judge you for being quiet and not want to go out due to social anxiety. If they do judge you, then they don't respect you for who you are. People need to accept the good with the bad and if they can't then they ignore how life is.

 

[Flanscho]

Well, it always depends. Normally, I do hang out with friends when I'm invited to something. At first it was kinda difficult, but over the year it helped me reducing my SA, a lot.

Last weekend a friend of mine had her birthday, and invited me, but I didn't feel like going there. So I apologized, said that I don't feel to well, congratulated her and she said "no problem, hope you feel better soon".

When seeing the friends again, they said that it was probably not too bad that I wasn't there, since I would have probably not liked it, since it was very loud, chaotic, lots of alcohol and so on.

I think that replying to friends is necessary, no matter if you feel like it or not. When someone knows why you don't accept, then they can get used to it. If someone never replies, people will stop asking.