How to deal with my mum?

[Blueborn]

Hello Forum,

At first: sorry for the terrible structure and clumsy writing, it's not that easy to bring this all down here properly. I might write a bit more detailed later on.

I've got heavy problems with how my mother is treating me and getting along with her in everyday life, It's not really one thing that's bugging me, but more the whole package, e.g:

-Whenever she feels like she doesn't get enough attention or appreciation for what she's doing it's responded with things like: "Sorry that I care about you", "You don't seem to give a **** about me/anything". This can be e.g. when she has bought something for me and I haven't thanked her euphorically enough in her opinion, or I'm not interested enough in what she's telling me.
-Whenever I'm interrupting her in any way, be it that I stand in her way, or that she has to stop things e.g. in the kitchen for a moment, she can totally freak out and go like "What a brazenness!" "Stop standing in my way all the time!", although I'm doing totally daily things like getting myself a piece of bread, and would have been away in like a second again. This can even peak in that she's running away outraged and has to cool down again.
-She also tends to get insultive when she's angry (mostly after quarrels), e.g. "Piss off!", "Shut the **** up!". When I asked her what she thinks about such bursts she didn't even see a problem and called it a "nice way to let steem off"
-If I'm doing something too slow in her eyes (mostly at household works) she can get very aggressive by pushing me away or get stroppy. I also asked her about that and she was going like "Well, you are like this", like her behaviour would be just a totally logical consequence.
-She's very sensitive to "noise". If she's watching TV, the sound of me getting some water out the spigot, or walking through the flat can make her mad ("Stop getting on my nerves!", "Go to bed!", "Stop that noise!", just an example). This has gone better in the last months, but she's not that much of a "solid" person.

The best thing about it is that she can switch from totally angry to lovely and peaceful (at least facile) in like 10 minutes. If I'm not in a good mood then, and distance myself from her she feels rejected/offended and the hassle starts again. Talking about it didn't help at all.

Anyone familiar with this?

 

[jaim38]

My mom isn't as aggressive or "in your face" like this, but I can relate. My mom can be real bossy, mean, and insulting. She also gets offended by the slightest things. The other day, I was talking with her about a hypothetical situation in the future. I was saying something like, "Many years later, when you guys will not be around..." and she gets angry because I was suggesting that she will die later on.

Does your mom have mental illnesses? I know mine does. She can be very illogical at times. When she hears the TV, the microwave, or some electronic device making popping noises, she thinks it's the neighbors bothering us and she will hit and make noises to "get back at them." She thinks the neighbors have some sort of magical remote control to cause our electronics to make noises/malfunction. I cannot reason with her, at all. I tried to explain to her that it's common for electronic devices to make noises but can't get through to her.

 

[Blueborn]

I know that she went to a psychologist for a long time, but nothing about diagnoses, etc. I'm pretty sure that she has issues, though. The thing with the "illogical" behaviour applies a lot to her either, as she can have train of thoughts I simply don't understand, e.g. I have told her that due to her aggression against me because of the slightest activities that I feel constricted in my own home and like she's claiming all space for herself due to her sensitivity. The next morning I was not in a great mood at all and denied her offer for breakfast with an excuse, so I could get in my room again. Shortly after she stormed in and made the statement that literally I can't claim to be constricted anymore now because it would have been my own decision to deny her offer and to go into my room again, it was really weird.
I tried to talk several times about the whole situation, but it doesn't lead to anything, mainly because she's really good at finding justifications for what she's doing. Tantrums of her become a a totally normal "way to let steem off", while the way I speak (rather than what I'm actually saying) is provocative to her.

 

[gustavofring]

Sounds like borderlines or bipolar disorder.

 

[Hellhound]

Your mother sounds insecure, stressed and manipulative.

 

[JohnDee]

My dad's like that, he has gotten a bit better but absolutely anything can set him off. I survive by being nice and not reacting badly as well as trying to stay out of his way and do things in advance (i.e. I know he wants this so I get this ready before he wants it) He also expects me to be at his beck and call as well as do what he wants running or extremely fast, even getting a jar slowly will bring a barrage of insults.

Can't wait to leave, although I don't wanna leave my mum and lil sister alone with him...

If anything you should always know that the world doesnt revolve around our parents...sad but true.

 

[gummybear22]

her actions scream bipolar, with the south polar winning

 

[Blueborn]

Thanks for all the answers!

Your mother sounds insecure, stressed and manipulative.

Yes, she didn't have a good past with a lot of sickness and burn out. Especially "insecure" applies, she often states that her extreme reactions come through a feeling of not being heard/understood. I don't really know what to make out of this, though, if she has problems it's about her to communicate this in a sensible/understandable way imo.

My dad's like that, he has gotten a bit better but absolutely anything can set him off. I survive by being nice and not reacting badly as well as trying to stay out of his way and do things in advance (i.e. I know he wants this so I get this ready before he wants it) He also expects me to be at his beck and call as well as do what he wants running or extremely fast, even getting a jar slowly will bring a barrage of insults.

Can't wait to leave, although I don't wanna leave my mum and lil sister alone with him...

If anything you should always know that the world doesnt revolve around our parents...sad but true.

That sounds similar to her, although it doesn't happen that often and extreme. She tends to put out things to bring me down then, e.g. "I know you wouldn't do it once again" "I don't know if I'm willing to do this anymore (like cooking) now, I'm so disappointed" (can be for doing things a few minutes too late in her opinion). Just like when she feels that she doesn't get enough appreciation/attention. I ever have the feeling that it's not the actual thing that makes her mad though, but more her mood, like when she has a bad day she's amost searching for some reason to freak out. It wouldn't even be that much of a problem, if she could admit this kind of overreactions, but whenever I explain a situation and "prove" her wrong (as calm as possible), she just goes silent, avoids me and afterwards finds an excuse if I try to clear it finally up.

her actions scream bipolar, with the south polar winning

What I can definately say is that she's very instable and dependent on her moods.

Sounds like borderlines or bipolar disorder.

My sister suspects that either. I wouldn't dare to come up with something like this to my mum though, because I'm unsure about her longterm reaction(s). She can take pretty much anything from the (recent) past to justify her outbreaks, so I mostly don't even know the reason for it before she's telling me herself. And if she does it's mostly "You have done this and that, with which you needled me over the last time, so I stucked it up and if I'm reacting like this now, it comes from your own misbehaviour". So she's bottling up what makes her angry, just to let it out in a situation, where I can't see what I've done so wrong. Even if I know it's not that easy, though, because a lot of things I assume to be "normal" can drive her mad, mostly because she feels constricted/offended if she gets slightliestly derogated in what she's doing, even if that's not at the certain moment but slightly afterwards, e.g. when I'm at a place where she wants to attend. Basically I would have to ask her about most the things I'm going to do all the time, because otherwise I simply don't know where the "misbehaviour" starts for her.