Miss BlueTongue
New member
I think this is going to be long, but I need to talk to someone/people. I am too embarrassed to see a doctor. I would be over appreciative if someone could read and reply, and would feel so much better if someone could relate.
I am a hypochondriac but more in the sense of mental illness, not cancer or diseases. So far I have had bipolar, dyslexia, schizophrenia, you name it I've "had it." But there is something I know I have that is real. I've always known that I've been abnormal, but could never figure out what is was. Then I started to read about OCD. The reaction I got was different from the other fake illnesses I "diagnose" my self on a regular basis. These symptoms are real.
I have a fear of going blind. To make the paranoia go away I look at my eyes in a mirror. It's only temporary relief. This would be on the top of my list of distressing thoughts. I can't say this out loud in fear of it coming true. That is why I can not speak to a doctor. If a mirror is not near me I will look at my eyes through the reflection of my mobile phones screen.
My second biggest fear is DEATH. I know this is common, but it freaks me out to the point that I am scared I will have an anxiety attack. I smoke cigarettes like they're my only source of oxygen. Almost a pack of 40's per day. It doesn't help with my fear of death, but I am addicted.
I do have little rituals, they change all the time. They can last for months, some for years. Most of them leave and then new ones take their place. I've had them since I was 9 years old. My mum thought I had turrets Syndrome. I would open my mouth really wide to stretch the corners of my mouth every few minutes. Every time I picked up a glass to get a drink I had to shake the glass in my hand.
The things I do now:
The remote control head and cigarette head can not be facing me or something bad will happen.
When I am on the computer I have to press the space button every now and then even when I don't actually have to use the space button. I also have to right click every few seconds if the mouse is in my hand.
Cupboard doors can not be left open, I will always shut them, even if it's going out of my way. If I don't shut them, I won't be able to concentrate on anything else or relax.
I can not do things or say things twice in a row. If I say or do things twice in a row I have to say or do it a third time.
I have to touch things with my left hand. If I touch something with my right hand I will have to touch it with my left hand. I am a left hander, but I would love to stimulate the other side of my brain.
I do not care about germs, and I hate cleaning. When I do clean the house I start with one room and I fuss over every little single spot and detail. It takes me hours to clean a room where it would take 20 minutes for another person. I think that's why I don't clean my house much, because all my energy goes into small things like scrubbing between tiles even though they are not dirty. My house is as if a bomb went off. I wish I could just do quick tidy ups like a normal person and not care about every little detail of everything. I guess to put this in a non confusing way; I will spend 20-30 minutes polishing a single floor tile to make it extra shiny and extra clean. By the time I am finished polishing the tile I am too tired to do anything else. So after 20-30 minutes of cleaning it looks like I have done nothing unless someone is able to notice the extra shiny tile (not tile's just tile).
These are just some of the many things I have to deal with.
I think up bad thoughts, not intentionally, they just pop up. It mostly concerns death to people I love. The thoughts re appear time and time again. sometimes it feels like I am bringing the thoughts back on purpose, but I don't want them.
I went through a stage where nothing could touch my ribs while I sleep. I don't like my cats or people touching my ribs, I can't breath. It was so bad that even my own T-shirt could not touch my ribs. I couldn't sleep without a top because the bed sheet would be touching my ribs. sometimes I think of my self as the princess and the pea, because even the slightest crease the bed sheets touching my rips I start to panic.
Sometimes I make up my own memories and then hope to hell those fake memories do not store in my neuroplasticity (I hope I don't mistake those fake memories for real ones in ten years).
And that is some of my story. It feels good to talk about it even if no one reads it. I've never written it down. Does this sound like OCD or something much more insane?
Thank you.
I am a hypochondriac but more in the sense of mental illness, not cancer or diseases. So far I have had bipolar, dyslexia, schizophrenia, you name it I've "had it." But there is something I know I have that is real. I've always known that I've been abnormal, but could never figure out what is was. Then I started to read about OCD. The reaction I got was different from the other fake illnesses I "diagnose" my self on a regular basis. These symptoms are real.
I have a fear of going blind. To make the paranoia go away I look at my eyes in a mirror. It's only temporary relief. This would be on the top of my list of distressing thoughts. I can't say this out loud in fear of it coming true. That is why I can not speak to a doctor. If a mirror is not near me I will look at my eyes through the reflection of my mobile phones screen.
My second biggest fear is DEATH. I know this is common, but it freaks me out to the point that I am scared I will have an anxiety attack. I smoke cigarettes like they're my only source of oxygen. Almost a pack of 40's per day. It doesn't help with my fear of death, but I am addicted.
I do have little rituals, they change all the time. They can last for months, some for years. Most of them leave and then new ones take their place. I've had them since I was 9 years old. My mum thought I had turrets Syndrome. I would open my mouth really wide to stretch the corners of my mouth every few minutes. Every time I picked up a glass to get a drink I had to shake the glass in my hand.
The things I do now:
The remote control head and cigarette head can not be facing me or something bad will happen.
When I am on the computer I have to press the space button every now and then even when I don't actually have to use the space button. I also have to right click every few seconds if the mouse is in my hand.
Cupboard doors can not be left open, I will always shut them, even if it's going out of my way. If I don't shut them, I won't be able to concentrate on anything else or relax.
I can not do things or say things twice in a row. If I say or do things twice in a row I have to say or do it a third time.
I have to touch things with my left hand. If I touch something with my right hand I will have to touch it with my left hand. I am a left hander, but I would love to stimulate the other side of my brain.
I do not care about germs, and I hate cleaning. When I do clean the house I start with one room and I fuss over every little single spot and detail. It takes me hours to clean a room where it would take 20 minutes for another person. I think that's why I don't clean my house much, because all my energy goes into small things like scrubbing between tiles even though they are not dirty. My house is as if a bomb went off. I wish I could just do quick tidy ups like a normal person and not care about every little detail of everything. I guess to put this in a non confusing way; I will spend 20-30 minutes polishing a single floor tile to make it extra shiny and extra clean. By the time I am finished polishing the tile I am too tired to do anything else. So after 20-30 minutes of cleaning it looks like I have done nothing unless someone is able to notice the extra shiny tile (not tile's just tile).
These are just some of the many things I have to deal with.
I think up bad thoughts, not intentionally, they just pop up. It mostly concerns death to people I love. The thoughts re appear time and time again. sometimes it feels like I am bringing the thoughts back on purpose, but I don't want them.
I went through a stage where nothing could touch my ribs while I sleep. I don't like my cats or people touching my ribs, I can't breath. It was so bad that even my own T-shirt could not touch my ribs. I couldn't sleep without a top because the bed sheet would be touching my ribs. sometimes I think of my self as the princess and the pea, because even the slightest crease the bed sheets touching my rips I start to panic.
Sometimes I make up my own memories and then hope to hell those fake memories do not store in my neuroplasticity (I hope I don't mistake those fake memories for real ones in ten years).
And that is some of my story. It feels good to talk about it even if no one reads it. I've never written it down. Does this sound like OCD or something much more insane?
Thank you.