safe

Aletheia

Well-known member
I've realized that I've used the word "safe" several times on here. And what I think I mean by "safe" is "non-judgemental".

What makes you feel safe, socially?
 
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deleted #89

Guest
I feel safe when I really know the people I hang out with. When my friends bring somebody that I don't know or barely know I feel so frigging insecure and self- conscious. Many times I try to control my surrounding but in the end its impossible.
 
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I don't know that I ever feel safe socially, or at least I have not gotten to that point yet. People would never give me the time I need to get to a "safe point", no one could be that patient. My safe is just avoiding everything socially, I don't think I have an actually social safe point. My safe is just hiding, from people, from the world, from anything and everything. I think being safe is suppose to be comfortable, not miserable. I really do hope that I could one day feel safe around even one person, that would mean a lot.
 

vj288

not actually Fiona Apple
The more in control I feel, or the more predictable the social situation is the more safe I feel. I feel safe talking to my sister because I know she will not bring up certain topics, or ask me to do certain things. My "Comfort zone" or "safe zone" is small though, either I have to be very sure of what will (or won't) happen like with my sister, or feel very in control like I do online(if that counts as social).
 

Ms Cloud

Well-known member
I've realized that I've used the word "safe" several times on here. And what I think I mean by "safe" is "non-judgemental".

What makes you feel safe, socially?
Same as you... not having to worry about being judged. I feel that way with my mother and sister. I tentatively feel that way with people I meet on the internet, if my instincts tell me those people are non-judgmental. If that turns out to be the case, it's a very pleasant surprise and I'm happy to have made a friend, even a temporary one. More often than not, however, people that I'm counting on not to judge me end up judging me and I'm back to square one.

The act of judging people on arbitrary social standards is so offensive to my nature that I simply can't tolerate it. My default is always to walk away, and I walk away plenty.
 

bsammy

Well-known member
^uggh yes, being a guy maks it even harder..social status is so important these days to 95% of people, like it or not..i have found that guys base most of their conversations on 'one-upping' their friends, bragging etc etc..its a constant/exhausting cycle.
 

Ms Cloud

Well-known member
^uggh yes, being a guy maks it even harder..social status is so important these days to 95% of people, like it or not..i have found that guys base most of their conversations on 'one-upping' their friends, bragging etc etc..its a constant/exhausting cycle.
Yeah... to me, being "avoidant" means avoiding THAT. I've gone to great lengths to avoid being influenced by social pressures, and even though it's had an isolating effect I don't regret it. Staying true to oneself does pay off, eventually.
 
I think it's helpful for me to remind myself that people don't really give that much of a **** about me, I mean that in a good way. People are primarily self consumed. As long as you ask them questions, keep the focus off oneself, it's a great strategy. People love to talk about themselves, it's easy, just ask lots of questions. It's a great way to "hide" without hiding. no one really cares that much about me, so I can reassure myself with that and not feel so self conscious. I am not so much unsafe with people, I just don't like them very much. LOL! most people are superficial, but really, a lot of them are pretty nice. I can tolerate people in small doeses. I am sorry that some people feel unsafe, it is very good to have an escape plan. I won't go with groups or other people in a car to an outing. I have to bring my own car so I can leave whenver I want. The last thing I want is to be stuck in some social group situation. That just sucks. People wear me out. But try the question thing, it's really worked well for me
 

KiaKaha

Banned
I am like you Aletheia, when I dont feel judged. I really open up and show my true self when I feel people are friendly and accepting of me...or even when they just take notice of me (I still feel nervous though)... I am too sensitive though, just a disapproving look can really bring me down.
Avoidance keeps me safe, but it also stops me from being happy too.
 

Aletheia

Well-known member
i have found that guys base most of their conversations on 'one-upping' their friends

When I was at uni I knew a group of guys who had been at an all boys high school together. They spent all of their time cutting each other down, as close to the bone as possible. Who would want to expose themselves to that? At least one of them was badly damaged by it.

I know we have a reputation for cattiness, and it was girls who teased me at primary school. But I think women mostly try to bolster each other's egos. We're brought up to collaborate, rather than compete.
 

IcedEarth25

Well-known member
I'm safe with my true friends or when i'm at home with the family, i also feel safe when im listening to my music if im around new people.
 

HermitFox

Member
Safety, usually, just means being with people I've known for years, and who I can trust. erm, rare amount...sadly...
 

Aletheia

Well-known member
I think it's helpful for me to remind myself that people don't really give that much of a **** about me.

"You worry much less about what people think of you once you realize how seldom they do."

Yeah, people are usually caught up in their own stuff (including worrying about what I think of them). The question thing works well. It keeps the focus on them not me. Sometimes I'll prepare a list of questions in advance.

There are very few people whom I actively dislike. But some I don't relate to. And all of them sooner or later wear me out.
 

Silatuyok

Well-known member
I feel safe when I feel confident. I was going to agree that safe for me means non-judgmental as well, but then I realized that I feel safe around my family, and they are all very judgmental, haha. When I feel like I really know what I'm talking about or I am in my element, then I feel safe.
 
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