Learning to communicate for first time

[Hero]

Hi. I wondered if you guys could help?

I've spent the majority of my life hiding behind my parents, barely saying anything to anybody out of fear. You could call it vocal paralysis! I said 'Yes sir' in the school register, but that was about it. People referred to me as 'Quiet' 'Shy' 'Laid-back' and 'Weird.'

I got fed up with being alone and unloved. I wasn't feeling alive, just barely existing. I've finally come out of my shell and I have been brave enough to speak. Trouble is I have no idea how to make a conversation and I seem to upset people when I talk, or I get worried I am boring. I try hard to get them to like me, putting too much pressure on myself. Even thought I can speak, I still feel plagued with anxiety, so when I talk I mumble and people ask me to repeat myself.

Is there like any conversation examples I can follow? Is there a guide for talking? Everyone takes communication for granted, I'm new to this!

 

[Paahi]

It's great that you are taking this step!
Good luck Hero.

 

[MagicPotion]

This is a problem for me a little too - there are self-help books you can buy about conversational skills and making small talk. I bought 'The Fine Art of Small Talk' by Debra Fine - but I'm only a few pages in atm. Seems good.

However, some stuff that helped me:

Ask questions - everybody loves to talk about themselves - if you're a bit shy yourself it can help to ask the other person about their life, let them speak for a while, and then share things about yourself that relate to that topic. Taking on the 'good listener' role at first can make it a bit easier.

Try to smile and make eye contact. Smiling puts people at ease and regular eye contact - whilst it's very hard when nervous - is important. It takes practice and self-discipline of course.

On an occasion like a date, meeting a friend off the internet - brainstorm some conversation topics before hand and write them down. This is easier if you've spoken online and already know a few things about them. Write them down on a peice of paper, it's easier to remember them then. if you get really stuck, head to the toilet and read the list to remind yourself of some good topics.

Use creative visualisation - close your eyes, relax until you're completely comfortable, and for a while each day imagine yourself holding a confident, assertive conversation. The brain can learn a lot from this. I'll try to find you a link to a better description than mine of course!

I have the same problem of being softly spoken and shy and seeming nervous, but this is more of a confidence thing that takes practice to get over. Sorry I can't help any more than that but I'm not sure either ::

Talking more slowly than usual can help with a stammer, at least I found. Bear in mind I'm not great at conversation myself, but the above helped me at least and I can just about get by now.

 

[Prestonator]

Hi. I wondered if you guys could help?

I've spent the majority of my life hiding behind my parents, barely saying anything to anybody out of fear. You could call it vocal paralysis! I said 'Yes sir' in the school register, but that was about it. People referred to me as 'Quiet' 'Shy' 'Laid-back' and 'Weird.'

I got fed up with being alone and unloved. I wasn't feeling alive, just barely existing. I've finally come out of my shell and I have been brave enough to speak. Trouble is I have no idea how to make a conversation and I seem to upset people when I talk, or I get worried I am boring. I try hard to get them to like me, putting too much pressure on myself. Even thought I can speak, I still feel plagued with anxiety, so when I talk I mumble and people ask me to repeat myself.

Is there like any conversation examples I can follow? Is there a guide for talking? Everyone takes communication for granted, I'm new to this!

Hey!

Well i think maybe over-trying could make you feel more anxious. I would just try to let the conversation flow naturally. Once you get going and find common ground with people i'm sure it won't be too difficult to hold a conversation! Good luck

 

[coyote]

try to stay out of your own head

the less conscious of your own thoughts the better

concentrate on the other person and on what they are saying

rather than on what you want to say

 

[JonnyD]

I had a big problem speaking to people, i would ask stuff or speak even to a clothes vendor...
practice helped a lot, but i also have a problem with my voice, sometimes i speak to fast and in a low volume , most of the times people have to ask me to repeat (although i don't have any other diction problem) , that made things realy difficul, but now i learned about my limitation and if i feel someone is having difficult in communicating with me i just tell them.

actually i have a tip!!! omg i'm so proud of my self


try and find something you love, and someone who shares that interest, someone that's nice too.
is far easier to lose yourself in the talk when talking about something you like...

you could give us more details:

do you feel anxious or afraid before talking?
when you speak do you often feel bad about what you said or the way you said and why?
do you feel the need to comunicate with others even with your difficulties?
do you have problems chating real time over the internet too, and over the phone?

 

[panicsurvivor]

try to stay out of your own head

the less conscious of your own thoughts the better

concentrate on the other person and on what they are saying

rather than on what you want to say

Exactly. It is just like sex!!! If you overthink it, you will kill it. Someone up above said ask questions, that is also real good advice, especially with the opposite sex. Too much rehearsal will make your conversation awkward, and no conversation will ever go as planned. Some one also said, eye contact, that is a lot easier said than done for people that are nervous. Luckily, that is really not very necessary. Avoiding eye contact by lowering your eyes is a sign of submission, and submission is far from threatening. Just don't dart them around a lot because that is agitating. Just try to listen because people like to be listened to, more than they like to be yammered at. And when you are in doubt and there is a silence, ask a question. Make that your default setting for when you are unsure.

 

[MagicPotion]

Hey!

Well i think maybe over-trying could make you feel more anxious. I would just try to let the conversation flow naturally. Once you get going and find common ground with people i'm sure it won't be too difficult to hold a conversation! Good luck

This is true and good advice, but I tried that approach lots before, and all that flowed naturally was a bunch of awkward silence.

I made sure I had some emergency conversation ideas beforehand to fill in the awkward silences, and made sure to smile and look 'em in the eye. I also practiced it in my head before hand a little - just to imagine how it would feel and prepare for it mentally.

Letting it flow is the best way but if that ain't working you need to think about your approach a little bit - not too much though, like you rightly say.

Oh and good luck too

 

[Aussie_Lad]

Tip 1: Firstly stop mumbling because it is a habit that you could easily develop, so even when you improve, you may find that you are still mumbling. If you make an effort not to mumble now, then it won't become a habit and you will find after a while that some level of confidence will naturally come from that. If you are nervous just make speak slowly until you are able to get the words out at an acceptable volume.

Tip 2: I have also heard good things about the movie "The Kings Speech", if you want to follow some of the speech therapy that they show in the movie.