Conversation

[JosephG]

is so unnatural to me. It is alien. I am meant to have a response just ready - in an instant. Yet nothing is there! Nothing. So I force something out. And the conversation dies. And I feel inadequate - and they find it unbearable to talk to me.
I've spoken to people about this - and they say try and absorb yourself in the people around you. They say really listen to what the other person is saying. I've tried this numerous times and I still have nothing to say.
This is torture. I used to be so opinionated, loud and social. Now I am a shell. What is happening to me? ::

 

[Toto_]

Same. I never know what to say. So I say nothing. People think I'm occupied with my thoughts, when in fact I'm not even thinking about anything, I'm just on "stand-by". Probably because I hardly ever talk, so I don't know how. Also oftentimes I just find the conversation boring, so I'm like 'yea, whatever'.

 

[Snowdrop]

Well you probably already know I'm like this too. Seriously stop stealing my thread :: But yeah..just letting you know, if I ever come up with a solution I will tell you first!!!

 

[Overload]

You have to let your thoughts flow naturally. Don't just focus 100% on the conversation, but still listen to it, and let it influence your thoughts. You have to have activity in your mind to integrate the conversation into it.

Don't take this as fact. This is just my opinion.

 

[StupidWiz]

I heard some ppl said if you want to have a good conversation, you have to have a wide knowledge about what you're talking about. But I really don't have the curiosity to have that knowledge thus making me bad at keeping conversations alive. ::

 

[JamesSmith]

It's because we are born with a disability. You are struggling with social situations because you aren't made to be a great socializer. It's the anxiety that is tearing you down. the only way to be normal again would be to learn to relax as a habit. If you learn how to do that, please let me know you did it so I can do it.

 

[Hamelech]

Conversation isn't unnatural for me, but what makes me feel a bit frustrated is to find people that only speak about superficial things all the time. I can stand it few times, but in the long run annoys.

Anyway, silents are not always necessarily awkwards.


YouTube - Uncomfortable Silence

 

[JosephG]

Well you probably already know I'm like this too. Seriously stop stealing my thread :: But yeah..just letting you know, if I ever come up with a solution I will tell you first!!!

Hah thanks! And me you

Hamelech I totally understand! However sometimes I end up getting nervous when silences happen. Instead of enjoying the silence of the other persons company and thinking about topics discussed I am instead thinking about my ability to converse. thus I force something out to try and fill the gap.

I love that quote as well, one of my favourite films of all time! Is it me or is Uma Thurman really hot in Pulp Fiction and not as hot in other films or at all? hmm

 

[Feathers]

Ha ha, good quote part.. Uma Thurman is hot in other films too, now John Travolta is definitely hotter in Grease and some other films!!

I really like conversation, especially if it's about interesting things, with interesting people.. Or if you at least have a good goal with it - eg 'network for eco projects' or 'find out what this person thinks about XY' or 'find out more about ZWY'...

even getting to know someone and what they like or dislike, or learning new things is a good goal.. maybe this approach can help?

often people with SA/shyness focus too much on themselves/ourselves, it's important to kick those thoughts away and focus on the other person and what they are saying.. maybe just say, 'uhm', 'aha', 'oh dear' or such, so they feel heard and listened to... 'okay', 'interesting', 'cool' (when used properly!! listening essential!!)... or 'that's weird' or 'I never really thought about this' or 'who would have thought?' or 'I've never heard this before' can be good too

You can also try to sum up their thoughts/feelings/what they just say - 'So you're saying that you think Peter is cheating on you?' (try not to be obvious and use your own words when paraphrasing) Of course use it appropriately.. not for every day 'easy' things usually, maybe for some more complex conversations, just to make sure you understood it right.. especially if you're not completely sure what they were trying to say..

You don't even have to talk much and people can think you're a good listener and great to talk to!!

There are books that can help, in the old times young ladies and gentlemen were taught 'the art of conversation' too - I think that was a good thing!! (How to change topics etc. I never knew you could 'change topics' until I read about it in a book! )

Also, are you in front of computer too much? 5+ hours a day can 'fry your brain' a bit (okay, not exactly that, but according to a study it causes depression and problems with memory/concentration).. so this would make it more difficult to converse too..
Or any iffy nutrition? - too much artificial food additives or soda pops or such can do weird things to your body and your brain too...
Is it better after a walk/jog in nature? (You could try?)

 

[JosephG]

Yeah I love conversation too! It's just getting to that point. I find it so hard to get past the mundane questions and actually feel like I am having a conversation. I find myself constantly thinking about what I am doing and not letting myself go. It's so hard. There are rare moments though where I completely lose myself - this does happen occasionally. But I think letting myself go at all times is hard to ask. I am just so tense etc.
I am in front of computers, TV etc far too much! Maybe this is something I could start improving on. And I have started exercising and getting outdoors more like you say and I find that helps a lot but the problems are still there of course.
I think I am just no fun...

I think my lack of conversational ability has caused my SA. I now avoid a lot of interactions and analyse every single little thing to see if I did good. It's all I think about really. Maybe I need meds or CBT or something, what's your opinion on that?

Thanks for you response Feathers, It is really helpful and thoughtful! Your advice is great