A Little Story About Me.

[veggielover]

I'm a Silent Sally, Silent Susie. Whatever you wanna call it. Sometimes I'm okay with it, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I wish I could just naturally start a conversation. Sometimes all I can do is be a silent missile and hope that I'm not making the other person in the room uncomfortable. I would gladly like to have a conversation with them, but there's a highly unlikely chance that I will be the one to start it. That's right. I hate being that way, but I just really can't help it. I'm extremely, painfully shy. I rely on others to approach me and to want to talk to me even though I make no impression of myself. I act like I don't even exist and it kind of sucks. I want to be that fun, outgoing friend or really person in general, whom everyone wants to be friends with and whom everyone wants to know. I'm not that person at all. I'm that person which if I'm lucky enough, someone will see enough potential to get to know me and then I'm lucky. If someone thinks there is a good person inside that silent soul. I really appreciate the people who have taken the time to know me. I'm sorry if I've ever seemed like I was unapproachable or stand-offish. That's the complete opposite of what I want to be, but like I said before, I really can't help it. I become really anxious around people and my only defense mechanism is being completely quiet and pretending like I don't exist. Getting words out of me is a task. Speaking to someone is a task. Approaching someone is a task. Saying the simplest of phrases to someone, like “How are you?” is a huge task for me. Everything gets built up inside and I wonder when is the right moment to say the words and then I feel like I miss the right moment so then I wait for another good opportunity to say it, but then it never comes or I pass it by again, so I never say anything. (Ok, this isn't always the case, but I'd say something like 85% of the time I do not have the confidence to say anything). I'd rather just be quiet than humiliate myself by saying something at the completely wrong time, but in reality I know staying quiet only makes it worse. I feel like the longer you wait to say something, the more awkward a situation gets. It's better just to say it from the get-go than to wait and wait and wait. Once you miss the right chance, you can't say anything. (This is the kind of stuff I think of in my crazy head). So what's the moral of the story? Well, there is no moral. I'm just afraid of talking to people and I would like to become not so afraid or hesitant or anxious around my fellow humans.



does anyone else have these stupid, obsessive thoughts? Um, crap, maybe I have o.c.d. too.

 

[just wanna b normal]

i know i feel like that too when i want to say something but i dont say then i miss my opportunity hahah its called over thinking hahalol

 

[veggielover]

yeah, I'm a serious over-thinker. I try so hard to stop it, but somehow I always go back to over-analyzing the situation.

 

[veggielover]

The only friends I really have are the ones I have known since elementary school. The ones who I've grown up with. I have a really hard time meeting new people. I am usually never able to sustain a new friendship and I feel terrible about it. I'm also glad to know someone else feels the same way. I wish it wasn't so hard.

 

[Just G]

So veg, how do you think your SA came to be?

 

[veggielover]

@ Just G: That's kind of a hard question. I think I've always had it. Growing up I was always in my own world and didn't really like dealing with people. I never really thought anything of it besides being the shy kid, and my friends understood that, too. Getting older though, made me realize how anxious I really get when it comes to confrontation or approaching people, so being more conscious of my social anxiety sort of makes it worse. I try to deal with it, and sometimes I think I've conquered when of course something else comes along that makes me feel like a failure.

 

[just wanna b normal]

@ Just G: That's kind of a hard question. I think I've always had it. Growing up I was always in my own world and didn't really like dealing with people. I never really thought anything of it besides being the shy kid, and my friends understood that, too. Getting older though, made me realize how anxious I really get when it comes to confrontation or approaching people, so being more conscious of my social anxiety sort of makes it worse. I try to deal with it, and sometimes I think I've conquered when of course something else comes along that makes me feel like a failure.

yeah same here!

 

[Just G]

Here's my advice to you, veggielover.

1. Expose yourself to the fear and do it often. I can remember being absolutely petrified driving for the first time when I turned 15. I started out driving erratically, swerving in and out of lanes, etc. Then, over the course of 5 years, as I got more practice, it became second nature.

2. Don't cave in it to the false, limiting beliefs in your head. The vast majority of the time these beliefs are the result of self-created paranoia. You're creating ideas and images in your head that are not even real. How do you know how someone is going to react without even approaching them?

YOU CAN’T PREDICT THE FUTURE, SO STOP TRYING!!!

To kill the fear, you must stand up to it and swiftly slap it in the face. In this case, when your mind is telling you not to do something, then that’s when you need to do the exact opposite.

3. Also it helps to rephrase the question from "what's the worst that could happen" to "what's the BEST that can happen." Whenever you're in doubt over a situation, write up a quick list of the worst and best that could happen. When you’re done, compare and contrast the lists.

For example, I’ll do mine on approaching a woman.

WORST:
I could get rejected.

BEST:
I could make her feel really good about herself.
I could rescue her from complete boredom and make her day.
I could have fun.
I could meet my mate.
I could make a really good friend.
I could expand my social network.
I could really build upon my social skills.
I could deaden my social anxiety.
If I “fail,” then this experience could serve as a teaching tool to get better socially.

See, the latter option is much better after all.

4. Eat a piece of the elephant one at a time. Expose yourself to a fear that you can manage, and then as you build more confidence gradually move up the ladder toward more difficult challenges.

For example, a good exercise would be to do the following in the precise order listed:

1.) Observe and take notice of the other people around you. You don’t have to approach, but just make a mental note on some of the things you might like to say to people.

2.) Make eye contact, and follow it with a smile and a quick hello. I recommend eye contact and smiling first, and then as you become more comfortable, follow it with a nice “hello” or “how are you doing?”

3.) Make the approach. Remember, go at your own pace, and when you reach your peak at 1 and 2, then I guarantee that you will not have problems following through to step 3.

5. This may be a bit contradictory to what I said earlier, but I suggest you follow your intuition when you are in doubt. Don’t ever memorize or script what you say, just be in the moment. Don’t ever give yourself time to think, evaluate, or agonize about it. Save that for after the encounter. Remember, when you take a genuine interest in someone else, you’ll find that your fear will dissipate.

6. Post affirmations about yourself throughout your room. Remind yourself of the good qualities that you have. Look, study, and reflect on them every day. The more you do this, the more it will enter your subconscious.

7. Lastly, take time out of your day to smile. This may sound silly, but go somewhere where you can isolate yourself away from everyone and everything. Take 10 minutes to plaster a big ass smile on your face. Take notice as to how your mental and physical state changes. You don't see a depressed person smile do you?
When you’re out in public, remember that a smile is the greatest gift you can give someone. It’s free, it’s pure, and it’s about the best cosmetic makeover you can give yourself.

You’re beautiful in more ways than one, and you’re deserving of a happy and healthy life. So remember that when you go out there.

I hope this helps.

 

[PurpleOne]

me too.::

 

[Phoenixx]

I think a lot of people on here can relate to what you just said, veggie. I def. over-think things most of the time too.

And Just G, that is some really good advice. Thanks for sharing that

 

[Munchkin007]

for as long as i can remember, i can't look into people's eyes when i have a conversation, let alone a ''simple'' conversation. i dunno why i am like that, i had friends in the past but didn't have them for long and don't really have the ''art for conversation'' as you can say. i'm more of a submissive person, and i wish i can just get over that!

 

[UnofficiallyMe]

oh, i am the same way. its draining.. yet i hafta be on in the world and sometimes i look around when i am in a big store and it just freaks me out.

yet, i like people, one on one. if i know them..

its just such a weird thing. i will say the meds are helping me and i am excited to be able to be less anxious.

some people say CBT works for them, and i wanna try that too..

there is hope and we have each other here. that is a huge start, for me anyways.. knowing i am not alone and i have a support group. see if there is a local SA meetup in your area or support group.

i would love to get to know some people with SA in my area..

hard to though, i admit!

hang in there. it will get better!

 

[fitftw]

approaching a woman even with the pros and cons list is still easier said than done, Just G.

Besides, approaching a woman is just the first step. I'd probably do one of two things after that first contact: become clingy and want to hang out every day since I have nobody else (which would scare her off and make her less interested), or continue doing my own thing and eventually lose touch with her.

 

[sunboy400]

I'm a Silent Sally, Silent Susie. Whatever you wanna call it. Sometimes I'm okay with it, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I wish I could just naturally start a conversation. Sometimes all I can do is be a silent missile and hope that I'm not making the other person in the room uncomfortable. I would gladly like to have a conversation with them, but there's a highly unlikely chance that I will be the one to start it. That's right. I hate being that way, but I just really can't help it. I'm extremely, painfully shy. I rely on others to approach me and to want to talk to me even though I make no impression of myself. I act like I don't even exist and it kind of sucks. I want to be that fun, outgoing friend or really person in general, whom everyone wants to be friends with and whom everyone wants to know. I'm not that person at all. I'm that person which if I'm lucky enough, someone will see enough potential to get to know me and then I'm lucky. If someone thinks there is a good person inside that silent soul. I really appreciate the people who have taken the time to know me. I'm sorry if I've ever seemed like I was unapproachable or stand-offish. That's the complete opposite of what I want to be, but like I said before, I really can't help it. I become really anxious around people and my only defense mechanism is being completely quiet and pretending like I don't exist. Getting words out of me is a task. Speaking to someone is a task. Approaching someone is a task. Saying the simplest of phrases to someone, like “How are you?” is a huge task for me. Everything gets built up inside and I wonder when is the right moment to say the words and then I feel like I miss the right moment so then I wait for another good opportunity to say it, but then it never comes or I pass it by again, so I never say anything. (Ok, this isn't always the case, but I'd say something like 85% of the time I do not have the confidence to say anything). I'd rather just be quiet than humiliate myself by saying something at the completely wrong time, but in reality I know staying quiet only makes it worse. I feel like the longer you wait to say something, the more awkward a situation gets. It's better just to say it from the get-go than to wait and wait and wait. Once you miss the right chance, you can't say anything. (This is the kind of stuff I think of in my crazy head). So what's the moral of the story? Well, there is no moral. I'm just afraid of talking to people and I would like to become not so afraid or hesitant or anxious around my fellow humans.



does anyone else have these stupid, obsessive thoughts? Um, crap, maybe I have o.c.d. too.

yes i feel you.85% of wiat you just wrote describes me.I cant start conversations and its annoying just know you aren't the only one going thru this....

 

[fitftw]

I just went to the gym and it sucks seeing the same people I've seen for a whole year without having said a word to them. Today one of the older guys passed by me on his way to a machine and smiled at me and said hello. I took one of my earphones out and said hi, then didn't know what to say. He asked how I was, I said 'eh, the usual...' and he asked me if I was gonna use the machine he was pointing at, I said 'haha no thanks it's all you' and I nervously walked away...ugh

 

[Just G]

approaching a woman even with the pros and cons list is still easier said than done, Just G.

Besides, approaching a woman is just the first step. I'd probably do one of two things after that first contact: become clingy and want to hang out every day since I have nobody else (which would scare her off and make her less interested), or continue doing my own thing and eventually lose touch with her.

It's not easy, and as you already know, that's why there is anxiety associated with doing it. To be honest, you're not going to get better if it was easy. It's baptism under fire.

I'm just saying that such a list should be made, because it gives us something to look at and analyze besides the thoughts that are running rampant in our heads. When we take the time to rationalize our thoughts, we can come to realization that they are severly limited to negativity. The list is to show how drastically the scale tips in favor of positivity. It's to get you motivated into saying, "Hey, this isn't so bad. In fact, this could be benefit me in a myriad of ways."

People are much more forgiving then what we make them out to be. As long as you are kind, respectful, fun, and easy going then no one in the right mind can totally reject you.

If you are concerned that you may become too attached at the beginning, then you may need to develop other hobbies and other interests that will keep you busy. Don't surf the web, play video games, and watch TV all day. Instead, go out there and do something that you've always wanted to do with people. When you're busy, you won't have time to clutch onto one thing. Spacing things out is a way to get an appreciation for everything.

Also, who said you had to stick with just one woman? You're LeBron James in the Free Agent market in 2010, baby! You have a full catalog of lovely mommas you can go out with at the same time.

You're not going to be James Bond. No one is expecting you to be. Just be the best version of yourself and keep practicing at just being that.

Remember, Michael Jordan wasn't his royal Airness when he first stepped on the basketball court. In fact, he was cut by High School basketball coach for being too slow! Imagine that, a guy who practically changed the game with his athleticism, being cut for being too slow!

However, it was his hard work, dedication, and countless hours in the gym made him the greatest of all time at what he did.

He has gone on the record for saying that he could accept failure, but that he could never, under any circumstances, accept not trying.

Getting better socially is no different. So practice, practice, practice.

 

[fitftw]

Thanks for that uplifting and good-hearted response. I'm going to try. I just messaged like 5 girls on plenty of fish (a dating website). Usually I just browse and never message anyone. We'll see what happens.