Could I get some insight on this please

[KiaKaha]

Hi Guys,

I think I may realize what part of my problem is. I know that I am socially anxious but I think the bigger problem is my inter personal skills. I cant work on anxiety if I dont know HOW to communicate or HOW to come across to others better. Sometimes I think my face puts a lot of people off...I seem to naturally scowl or look a little angry/sad (which I am sometimes but only because I feel so misunderstood), so I am trying to smile more. But aside from that...and the thing that really bugs me is my listening skills.

I notice that when I am talking to people I tend to drift off and not focus on what other people are saying. It can get quite embarrassing. When people speak they talk so fast and I cant follow what people are saying to me, and I think they can sense that. I can identify cues of when I should be conveying that I HAVE been listening (such as nodding, and saying yes I know what you mean etc...) but the truth is I havent a clue what they have actually said.... I only pick up the gist of the topic but not the details. I dont seem to be able to live in the moment...rather I am either trying to decipher what it is people have said(I am a bit slow I guess) or I am worried about how I am coming across...missing vital parts of what people are saying.

Is it possible that there is something medically wrong? Or do I just have a bad attention span...? I feel like I am living in a dream, foggy and hard to focus... like I am detached from the rest of the world... I dont know it could just be me...I figure if I can work on THAT first, then I can work on anxiety and how to come across to others in a relaxed way.

Any insight/help suggestions or anything would be valued and appreciated. Thanks!

 

[kihira]

Scowling, yes, i think I do that too. I'm uncomfortable smiling unless something is funny. people comment that I look worried

Listening problems seem familiar too. I know that I occasionally resort to pretending to have understood. Not liking eye contact means we look elsewhere and miss body language clues and also get distracted. Read up on active listening. I like to write down as I listen if important conversation.

Medically wrong - are you depressed? this would explain being foggy, dreamy hard to focus.

Its been a while, but I seem to remember my interpersonal skills improving after reading 'how to win friends and influence people' by dale carnegie

 

[Kiwong]

Not sure I can help ShyKiwi, only commiserate, because I have similar problems communicating. I also worrry about how I am coming across.

My eyes look like they are going to pop out of their sockets. I can't talk to anyone due to the fear that they will think I am weird/shallow and I usually suceed.

 

[Dronee]

Hi Guys,

I think I may realize what part of my problem is. I know that I am socially anxious but I think the bigger problem is my inter personal skills. I cant work on anxiety if I dont know HOW to communicate or HOW to come across to others better. Sometimes I think my face puts a lot of people off...I seem to naturally scowl or look a little angry/sad (which I am sometimes but only because I feel so misunderstood), so I am trying to smile more. But aside from that...and the thing that really bugs me is my listening skills.

I notice that when I am talking to people I tend to drift off and not focus on what other people are saying. It can get quite embarrassing. When people speak they talk so fast and I cant follow what people are saying to me, and I think they can sense that. I can identify cues of when I should be conveying that I HAVE been listening (such as nodding, and saying yes I know what you mean etc...) but the truth is I havent a clue what they have actually said.... I only pick up the gist of the topic but not the details. I dont seem to be able to live in the moment...rather I am either trying to decipher what it is people have said(I am a bit slow I guess) or I am worried about how I am coming across...missing vital parts of what people are saying.

Is it possible that there is something medically wrong? Or do I just have a bad attention span...? I feel like I am living in a dream, foggy and hard to focus... like I am detached from the rest of the world... I dont know it could just be me...I figure if I can work on THAT first, then I can work on anxiety and how to come across to others in a relaxed way.

Any insight/help suggestions or anything would be valued and appreciated. Thanks!

Maybe you can try watching more movies or dramas? The kind with more intricate plots? Sort of a listening test of your comprehension. Sometimes though, it's the anxiety that's making things worse... makes it hard to focus... which in turn increases the anxiety again... a vicious cycle.

 

[Feathers]

I think it's great that you found insight into your problem.

Yeah, I recommend Dale Carnegie and one other book Meeting People Is Fun for overcoming this and transferring focus from yourself to other people..

If you're angry/sad inside, it's not enough to smile, that's where people may get confused, as you're sort of giving double messages.. It's important to work on the anger and sadness.. Maybe with CBT/busting negative thoughts, journalling, etc. Maybe EFT and TAT..

It might be a bit of ADD or depression, or other things - it's important to know sometimes these things can be related - similar vitamins/minerals can be lacking both for ADD/anxiety/depression etc. (eg magnesium, B vitamins, omega 3 etc)

Too much computer time can make things worse too.. Exercise and nutrition can improve ADD too..

It can be food sensitivities (is it better or worse after certain foods? like gluten/milk) or environmental toxics.. (in that case being on fresh air outside can help!) Is it worse after sweets or soda? Alcohol, caffeine, soda pop drinks, sugar etc can all deplete important vitamins/minerals and make things worse..

Brainfog has also been mentioned in connection to Candida/yeast problem (though usually women get that and most doctors in my country don't really believe into this anyway, until it's very acute) or mercury poisoning or such.. Or Lyme disease or such..

It's good to get checked out by a doctor if you think it could be other things..
Sometimes these things are 'non-clinical' though, sort of like 'before anything more serious happens'..

Otherwise, guys are 'notorious' to have bad listening skills, sometimes girls too lol.. You can also do the 'uhm', 'aha', 'hmm..' sounds, these show other people you've listened too, and can be easier to pull off.. like you're still thinking about it or such..
or just plain out apologize, 'sorry, I spaced out a bit, was thinking about something else - what were you saying?'

Writing things down if it's important can help too, yeah..

I only pick up the gist of the topic but not the details. I dont seem to be able to live in the moment...rather I am either trying to decipher what it is people have said(I am a bit slow I guess) or I am worried about how I am coming across...missing vital parts of what people are saying.

I am intrigued by this. Are you perhaps also more intuitive and you actually pick up 'more' (not just words but body language of people and the underlying intentions/emotions etc or maybe too distracted with environment and pick up details or get info overload from environment too?)

If it's just the worries in your head on how you look etc, you can unlearn this to a great amount, especially if helped/supported by nutrition..

 

[DarkPhoenix]

I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD when i was younger, i find it difficult to concentrate on a conversation, i tend to distract myself with other typical SA thoughts like "i'm not saying enough, come on talk more!" or "this person is looking down on me, i can feel it". Then comes the realization that i haven't actually taken in the information that was just given to me, making me more nervous and unsure how to reply. However if i'm talking to someone that i'm comfortable around this isn't a problem at all

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

Wow, this post pretty much describes me in a nutshell.

If I knew how to come across to others better, my problem would be solved but whenever I ask friends for advice on how to not be awkward, they never give me a straight answer. They always say things like "Just relax, be yourself." but that's the problem - if I act like my anxious self there's no way I can relax.

I also have a natural sad/mad face whenever I'm in public and people always tell me that I look pissed off or spaced out and that I seem to be the kind of person who has one thing go into one ear and out the other whenever people talk to me. Whenever I'm at school I keep telling myself to just relax and smile and that no one's really staring at me, but then my paranoia instantly kicks in again and I'll feel like I'm being stared at by everyone and that's when my face tenses up. I really don't know what to do about it anymore.