thinking about it alot lately.

[SalemEdgerton1]

i cant not worry about there expenses. both of my parents work hard and can barely support my brother and i.

i dont see the point anymore, i felt good an hour ago, im worse off now than ive ever been. im hungry, i thirsty, but i cant find any reason to get up. im ****ing tired of this life i live, im ****ing tired of getting up and having nothing to look forward to anymore. i get up and i have to sit at the computer for hours, and then i gooutside and sit with nothing to do. what kind of a life is that? none.

i thought i would go to center city, maybe get some food too. my dealer ****ed me over. ive got no money, no weed, no friends, no nothing. people are trying to talk me out of it but i dont care anymore. i just dont give a ****, my life has been a waste of time and energy, i should of just been thrown off a cliff in the first place. ive bothered all of you with this, ive done nothing but whine here, ive dumped my burdons on you and i didnt want to do that, its ending soon. im not going to hurt anyone else anymore, thats all i do anymore, people are trying to tell me im not alone, but if they actually cares they would talk to me any other time. every bullshits me, everyone is trying to tell me it will get better, it wont. i know it wont.

bye.

Who said you hurt anyone? The only person you're hurting is yourself and no one else but that. Your family and Jenny are more than willing to carry your pain if they have to. I seriously think you should consult a psychiatrist before you do anything. At least you would have tried everything. You haven't bothered me at all and though I don't really know you in person, I'm worried about you. You have to make something of your life, whether it's getting an education, job, developing hobbies, something. You don't know if it will get better if you don't wait and see. You're assuming possible outcomes in the future that won't necessarily happen. You have complete control of your life, no one else. Only you can tell yourself to be happy and it really isn't as hard as it sounds. It may seem like you can't overcome this, but you can. But like I said, seek counseling. If it doesn't work out then at least you tried it to see if it might help. Until then, hold off and try it.

Question for you though. Why does your myspace page (at least the one linked from your profile say your 22 when you said you were celebrating your 17th birthday?

 

[mismeek]

dude get the lizard!!! theres this one lizard....gosh i cant remember the name.. its a dragon something.. anyway coolest lizard ever.. My friend takes it around with her on a little mini leash, it rides on her shoulder!! >.< GO FOR IT!!

 

[no reason]

salem- im 17, i just put 22 there cause i didnt bother to pick out my real age. wait, wtf? how did you find my myspace?

mis- cant, dad wont let me. and i think your thinking about a comodo dragon.

i called my brother today to ask him about why my phone doesnt go off when i get txts (its his old one.) told me he didnt know, etc. he asked me how life was, i asked him how his was, etc. he told me good, i told him good, he told me he was at a park about 5 minutes away, but he didnt ask if i wanted to hang out or anything. he completely forgot, he completely forgot we were supposed to see eachother a couple days ago, and he sounded way more preoccupied with what he was doing.

sorry, but no shrink.

ive hurt alot of people, i wont post it up cause i dont want to appaul you guys. ive hurt alot of people, ive made people cry, especially jenny. ive broken too many promises to her, too much pain, she doesnt deserve any of it. somethings eating at her, i know it. her boyfriend called me asking me why shes breaking down, i had no clue why. i tried talking to her, i texted her 15 times, i called her 3 times, and she told me to stop or shes going to refuse to talk to me. i told her that i wont eat unless she tells me, and she told me doesnt care... i dont know what to do anymore. im so god damn confused, im so god damn scared, i cant deal with any of this anymore but i dont want to leave jenny... shes obviously got problems, i cant stack mine onto hers.

 

[SalemEdgerton1]

salem- im 17, i just put 22 there cause i didnt bother to pick out my real age. wait, wtf? how did you find my myspace?

mis- cant, dad wont let me. and i think your thinking about a comodo dragon.

i called my brother today to ask him about why my phone doesnt go off when i get txts (its his old one.) told me he didnt know, etc. he asked me how life was, i asked him how his was, etc. he told me good, i told him good, he told me he was at a park about 5 minutes away, but he didnt ask if i wanted to hang out or anything. he completely forgot, he completely forgot we were supposed to see eachother a couple days ago, and he sounded way more preoccupied with what he was doing.

sorry, but no shrink.

ive hurt alot of people, i wont post it up cause i dont want to appaul you guys. ive hurt alot of people, ive made people cry, especially jenny. ive broken too many promises to her, too much pain, she doesnt deserve any of it. somethings eating at her, i know it. her boyfriend called me asking me why shes breaking down, i had no clue why. i tried talking to her, i texted her 15 times, i called her 3 times, and she told me to stop or shes going to refuse to talk to me. i told her that i wont eat unless she tells me, and she told me doesnt care... i dont know what to do anymore. im so god damn confused, im so god damn scared, i cant deal with any of this anymore but i dont want to leave jenny... shes obviously got problems, i cant stack mine onto hers.

Resourcefulness...because honestly, i thought you were seriously going to do it after that last post. Sorry, I had a friend kill himself a couple years back and it just bothers the hell out of me anymore when people seem really intent on it.

What exactly have you done to hurt her, specifically? I've heard some pretty crazy shit before so you won't shock me. It seems like you're more infatuated with beauty than Jenny. It's something we all go through. You have to love the person and not the abstract or you're just going to drive yourself nuts because you will never feel good enough. Unrealistic standards aren't healthy for relationships. You've gotta be selfish sometimes to be happy, as odd as it seems. You can't play the self-blame game and hope to ever win. People act differently when they need to unwind and relax. Maybe she just wants to be left alone for a bit. Maybe you should give her space if she needs it. I'd just let her know that you're always willing to listen to whatever's going on with her and leave it that. Give her the opportunity and let her take it if she wants it.

 

[no reason]

i was seriously going to do it.. but then jenny was having problems so i couldnt. i dont understand why you would say anything like that.. i mean, she is beautiful, yes. but shes a great girl, shes always leading the pack, shes always doing her own thing and shes so confident in her movements. she does her own thing, deep down i know shes very self concious, but she doesnt show it. shes SO strong, its unbelievable. shes gone through so much in her life, its suprising to her the way she is. she can always make me smile, no matter what mood im in, shes always been able to make me smile, cause she knows exactly who i am and knows exactly what i need to hear every time. i know i can rely on her for anything. shes got her own friends, she doesnt try to be fake, she doesnt try to be somebody who she isnt. no matter what shes always caring more about her friends than anything, last time i was having problems she put down the 150 point paper she was doing that was do soon, and talked to me for an hour about why i was feeling so down.

dude.. no offense, but thats a bit scary that you can find my myspace.. im guessin ur on /b/ or somethin? those ****ers know how to track people down...

well the last promise ive broken to her was when i went down to visit all my friends in ********. i told her we would hang out, i promised it to her, i straight up said, jenny i promise you that we will hang out together, i promise it. and i broke that promise, i was too busy with other people to even notice how much i was hurting her..

i told her i wouldnt move away two years ago, i told her i would stay with her.. and i moved away. she cried, i cried, we both cried. i missed her so much, i know she missed me, i broke that promise to her too.
both of those times she cried.. she cried before seeing me that weekend, she informed me yesterday. she told me she cried close to 7 times.. i hate myself for doing this to her.

lol, i know im never going to win at this game. id rather put the blame on myself and see her happy than succeed in my own life. im ****ed in school, i cant focus anymore and my grades have dropped, shes actually going to go somewhere in her life. i know im not going anywhere. i ****ed up too much in the last couple years.

 

[mismeek]

bearded dragon!

well a fish is nice too...

 

[SalemEdgerton1]

i was seriously going to do it.. but then jenny was having problems so i couldnt. i dont understand why you would say anything like that.. i mean, she is beautiful, yes. but shes a great girl, shes always leading the pack, shes always doing her own thing and shes so confident in her movements. she does her own thing, deep down i know shes very self concious, but she doesnt show it. shes SO strong, its unbelievable. shes gone through so much in her life, its suprising to her the way she is. she can always make me smile, no matter what mood im in, shes always been able to make me smile, cause she knows exactly who i am and knows exactly what i need to hear every time. i know i can rely on her for anything. shes got her own friends, she doesnt try to be fake, she doesnt try to be somebody who she isnt. no matter what shes always caring more about her friends than anything, last time i was having problems she put down the 150 point paper she was doing that was do soon, and talked to me for an hour about why i was feeling so down.

dude.. no offense, but thats a bit scary that you can find my myspace.. im guessin ur on /b/ or somethin? those ****ers know how to track people down...

well the last promise ive broken to her was when i went down to visit all my friends in ********. i told her we would hang out, i promised it to her, i straight up said, jenny i promise you that we will hang out together, i promise it. and i broke that promise, i was too busy with other people to even notice how much i was hurting her..

i told her i wouldnt move away two years ago, i told her i would stay with her.. and i moved away. she cried, i cried, we both cried. i missed her so much, i know she missed me, i broke that promise to her too.
both of those times she cried.. she cried before seeing me that weekend, she informed me yesterday. she told me she cried close to 7 times.. i hate myself for doing this to her.

lol, i know im never going to win at this game. id rather put the blame on myself and see her happy than succeed in my own life. im ****ed in school, i cant focus anymore and my grades have dropped, shes actually going to go somewhere in her life. i know im not going anywhere. i ****ed up too much in the last couple years.

She's the first person who you've really been attractive to, so you feel like she's the "one." You're experiencing love emotions for the first time and it seems like you're not entirely sure how to handle them. I'm not sure if everyone else has experienced that, but I have felt that way too. Love is way too complicated to meet the "one" on the first try. Love's all about trial and error man. She's probably a great girl, but that doesn't always mean you were destined to be with her. There are a lot of great girls out there.

Trust me, I have better things to do than hunting down people's profiles (especially since I have finals coming up), unless I feel like it is an emergency. Sorry, I don't play around with suicide.

That event is very trivial, ya know? We break promises like that all the time because something comes up or we just don't feel like it. It certainly isn't the end of the world. Things happen. I really doubt you had any control over whether or not you moved that was your parent's choice, so how is it your fault? You could have always talked to her on the phone or online and hung out with her if you were in town. Your using a small event and something that was out of your control (17 year old can't exactly tell their parents no and get their own place) and blowing it up into something far more critical. I've done the same thing (and still do), but you just have to realize that the event is not as big of a deal as you make it out to be. She cried because she missed you and didn't want you to go, but you didn't have a choice in the matter. You moved back right, since you guys seem to do things together? 99.9% likelihood that she's probably moved on from that "broken promise" and is more glad that you guys are able to do things together.

But ask yourself this, why can't you both be happy? I'm sure she'd think it's really cool that you got talented at some activity. You shouldn't have to disregard your abilities for a girl. She asked you to write a story for her right? You don't know that you're not going anywhere unless you try.

 

[Noca]

((((hugs)))) Msg me on AIM ( Noca86 ) if you need a friend Hope things work out for you man!

 

[no reason]

i told her everything. i mean EVERYTHING. i told her i burned myself, i told her i cut myself, i told her i tried to kill myself, i told her i have trust issues with everyone now because of family and schooling and friends that have ****ed me up royally. she told me if i left her shed kill herself, that she wouldnt be able to go on without her benny. i have the convo saved, im goin gto look at it later today, i we stayed up and talked for 3 and a half hours online last night, about my feelings for her, about why i cant trust anybody, about why i feellike i have to kill myself, about my self abuse.. i thin that really helped. it felt so good to get it all off of my chest, like a weight was lifted. we talked about if we tried to have a relationship, i told her it will only turn out with more pain than how we started. i wanted to keep hope, but throughout my life hope and expectations have done nothing but hurt me. if we actually did have a relationship, id see her once a week, maybe twice if were lucky. it would cost me alot of money, its about 20 dollars round trip from here to there. shes too beautiful to get tied down like that, any guy would see that shes alone and would try to pick her up. karma likes to **** me over alot... its just how it goes.

life is still confusing to me, i still sit around for hours thinking, but im not as bummed as i was before though. i dont think about suicide alot anymore, she told me herself that she would kill herself if i left her, shes got a boyfriend and other friends, i dont know why she would say that unless she ment it..

 

[SalemEdgerton1]

i told her everything. i mean EVERYTHING. i told her i burned myself, i told her i cut myself, i told her i tried to kill myself, i told her i have trust issues with everyone now because of family and schooling and friends that have ****ed me up royally. she told me if i left her shed kill herself, that she wouldnt be able to go on without her benny. i have the convo saved, im goin gto look at it later today, i we stayed up and talked for 3 and a half hours online last night, about my feelings for her, about why i cant trust anybody, about why i feellike i have to kill myself, about my self abuse.. i thin that really helped. it felt so good to get it all off of my chest, like a weight was lifted. we talked about if we tried to have a relationship, i told her it will only turn out with more pain than how we started. i wanted to keep hope, but throughout my life hope and expectations have done nothing but hurt me. if we actually did have a relationship, id see her once a week, maybe twice if were lucky. it would cost me alot of money, its about 20 dollars round trip from here to there. shes too beautiful to get tied down like that, any guy would see that shes alone and would try to pick her up. karma likes to **** me over alot... its just how it goes.

life is still confusing to me, i still sit around for hours thinking, but im not as bummed as i was before though. i dont think about suicide alot anymore, she told me herself that she would kill herself if i left her, shes got a boyfriend and other friends, i dont know why she would say that unless she ment it..

Maybe she feels conflicted and isn't sure of what to do. She might feel like you and her share a common problem, so she feels more drawn to you because she wants someone to relate to. You have to be willing to take a chance though. Things aren't always going to go well and will probably suck, but there's always the possibility of it going well and being very rewarding. Sadly, long distance relationships usually have a harder time, but maybe you guys could plan like to spend a weekend or two together every month. That way it's not so expensive and you guys can still see each other. Glad you don't think about it as much.

 

[Scrabbl]

Just throwing this thought out there: maybe you guys are expecting too much from each other? Like depending on one another a little too much for support, and putting too much emotional burden on the other person that it's beyond what one should be responsible for.

 

[no reason]

Salem: that could possibly be what it is, but i think that the only problem that we both share is that our fathers left us both at very young ages, and she didnt know anything about that with me until last night. ive taken too many chances in my lifetime, im not taking a gamble with our friendship like that. honestly, i want to try to make a tradition or something where we would hang out one weekend out of the month, but im not shur how that would work out. she works alot, we both have alot of school stuff going on right now like finals and other stuff. and plus her mom doesnt trust me at all, haha. and my dad doesnt trust me much on my own.

scrabbl: you could be correct, but who the hell knows. i dont feel that way, but i dont know if jenny feels that way. what im just noticing right now is that, she really doesnt let me in on alot of her own problems, and i really want her to. i want her to be able to think of me as somebody who can help her, and not just the other way around.

cant sleep, have a huge test in 7 hours, i keep thinking of possibilities in my life and in jennys, i keep thinking horrible things.. maybe sketching will help me get my mind off of this.

 

[no reason]

im being mind ****ed right now HARD. jenny has stopped returning my text messages, isnt picking up my calls, isnt responding to my im's, nothing. she only took time out to ask me if i was going to do the drawing she asked me to do today, i said idk, and then she signed off. she had a breakdown before this, im ****ing scared. im so god dman worried shes going to do something to herself, i know ive caused this. ive put too much pressure on her, way too much, i knew she was already having problems in her life, and i stillput the pressure on her. its completely ****ing my fault, if she does anything to herself its her blood on my hands. i cant live with myself anymore, i want to cut myself so bad right now but i promised her i wouldnt. the only reason i didnt cry on a park bench on 3 different occasions today was because i thought of her. shes the only thing i have left in this world thats good anymore, i cant afford to lose her.

im so damn scared,

she just imed me, she said shes going to fail this year. she has a paper due in 2 days thats worth 450 points, and shes on on chapter 2 of 8. im going to pull an all nighter trying to edit her work and get the drawing done, which is going to be hard, because i didnt go to sleep last night.

wish me luck.

 

[SalemEdgerton1]

Salem: that could possibly be what it is, but i think that the only problem that we both share is that our fathers left us both at very young ages, and she didnt know anything about that with me until last night. ive taken too many chances in my lifetime, im not taking a gamble with our friendship like that. honestly, i want to try to make a tradition or something where we would hang out one weekend out of the month, but im not shur how that would work out. she works alot, we both have alot of school stuff going on right now like finals and other stuff. and plus her mom doesnt trust me at all, haha. and my dad doesnt trust me much on my own.

Well you haven't been alive enough to make that many chances, but the comfort of taking more chances I think comes with time, but just don't lock up from them forever. You guys could maybe idk do a thing at each others house if the parents became an issue. It may take some time with all the school and work stuff, but I'm sure you guys will find time.

im being mind ****ed right now HARD. jenny has stopped returning my text messages, isnt picking up my calls, isnt responding to my im's, nothing. she only took time out to ask me if i was going to do the drawing she asked me to do today, i said idk, and then she signed off. she had a breakdown before this, im ****ing scared. im so god dman worried shes going to do something to herself, i know ive caused this. ive put too much pressure on her, way too much, i knew she was already having problems in her life, and i stillput the pressure on her. its completely ****ing my fault, if she does anything to herself its her blood on my hands. i cant live with myself anymore, i want to cut myself so bad right now but i promised her i wouldnt. the only reason i didnt cry on a park bench on 3 different occasions today was because i thought of her. shes the only thing i have left in this world thats good anymore, i cant afford to lose her.

im so damn scared,

she just imed me, she said shes going to fail this year. she has a paper due in 2 days thats worth 450 points, and shes on on chapter 2 of 8. im going to pull an all nighter trying to edit her work and get the drawing done, which is going to be hard, because i didnt go to sleep last night.

wish me luck.

Perhaps you should suggest to her to maybe speak to a counselor about it. You guys might find comradery with being depressed but it's going to make things harder than if one of you wasn't. If you don't feel comfortable talking them out with a professional maybe she will. A friend once told me that "you can't help someone, unless you help yourself first." I really think one of you need to work on yourself first then help the other one if that person doesn't want to go to a professional. That's very nice of you to help her with that. Good luck to both of you.

 

[no reason]

well damn, cant figure out how to delete a thread. oh well, im not going to be online anymore. good luck with your life everybody that cares, i appreciate the help.

 

[freestylemonster]

how did it turn out??? I gotta know!!!!!!