Fighting everything.

I cannot consistently perform in social situations; it takes so sooo much effort. I'm left with this feeling of apathy - it won't leave. It's like everybody hates me and is always out to get me, so I disengage. I'm working on it at the moment by smiling and trying to live in the moment, not in my head. But it takes a lot of strength to do so.
One place that's always by default been somewhere I don't have to fight to be myself is with my family. But they are seriously dysfunctional. My Mother is a cold woman, extremely authoritarian. So bad I don't speak with her, and her entire family moved out one by one. I live with my Dad, but he has serious anger issues. There is no way for me to communicate an alternative opinion to his constant stream of insults and belittling of us. Eg the other day, he was bagging out my sister for being unstable, and I decided to stop agreeing like every other sheep for once and mentioned as directly as possible it is due to him constantly yelling at her over the most miniscule mistakes. He lost it, and as I've learnt by routine, his anger trumps any form of reason. So I instead sat there sarcastically agreeing with him as I was labelled the worst things you can call a female. Consequently, I am ostracised and my sister is the first to jump on the bandwagon! But I did not do it for her; I did it for me, I am sick of suppression. I am mocked and openly baited and criticised, by everybody. It hurts so much. How can I muster any strength to challenge my anxieties/apathy at work when the real me is smothered where it's supposed to thrive? The real me has been buried under everyone else's thoughts. How can I know who I am when the one place I'm meant to recharge is actually the one killing me?
As if social phobia isn't difficult enough on it's own.
I need to be myself, but these negativity is what I'm fed all the time. There's just so much pain.
I will be moving out soon to start a life by myself. That presents challenges socially and whether I can do it... I get depressed very easily if I fail, for weeks or months on end. Then again staying where I am won't help out my state of apathy. It feels like a catch-22 sometimes and perhaps it bloody well is.
Sorry if this is too personal, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Reminds me of my dad. Hope the move goes well for you.

SteinerOfThule said:

Reminds me of my dad. Hope the move goes well for you.

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Thanks. It's unbelievable the impact parents can have on their children.

sahxox said:

Thanks. It's unbelievable the impact parents can have on their children.

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indeed. my dad always got pretty violent and would throw the whole caboose at you. Lots of holes that had to be patched around the house. Along with a lots of other bad memories. He seems to have calmed down a lot more though since hes gotten older.

My family's pretty dysfunctional too. Your dad reminds me of several family members. I don't dare argue with some of them because it will turn out just like the usual: them saying they're right and me being forced to agree and having to listen to insults too. The family home is supposed to be the first place where we are being groomed for success in the outside world, but unfortuantely for people like us who come from unstable families, we don't learn the social skills or gain the confidence that's needed. So we have to work much harder than other more fortunate people to succeed in society.

laure15 said:

My family's pretty dysfunctional too. Your dad reminds me of several family members. I don't dare argue with some of them because it will turn out just like the usual: them saying they're right and me being forced to agree and having to listen to insults too. The family home is supposed to be the first place where we are being groomed for success in the outside world, but unfortuantely for people like us who come from unstable families, we don't learn the social skills or gain the confidence that's needed. So we have to work much harder than other more fortunate people to succeed in society.

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Yeah you can't argue with them because it's literally impossible to win. Especially with lacking social skills.

I hope moving out is actually a positive thing for you. At least you can choose your abusers. Mine is my cat, and he is very forgivable.

Hang in there. Life on your own might be a whole new world.

neardeath said:

I hope moving out is actually a positive thing for you. At least you can choose your abusers. Mine is my cat, and he is very forgivable.

Hang in there. Life on your own might be a whole new world.

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Yeah my cat is abusive. She drools on my shirts.

I'm sorry about your dad being like that, but it does seem like you need to get out of that situation, and fast, to ensure no more blows to your self-esteem. Maybe ask your sister to move out with you, if that's an option.

I'm glad you're moving out. It would have to be better than that.

... Unfamiliar. I do not have sufficient data to ascertain what living with parents like that would be like. It sounds like you could improve your lot by snapping and killing your entire family. i.e. Prison would be nicer.

But in any case, that you would be better off OUT of that environment AND permanently severed from it... is pretty much beyond question.

I'd recommend faking your own death in order to completely cut off contact with your family... and moving to another country if possible.