Falling apart right now

"Let me hold my arms around you and let me wipe away your tears as they roll down your face."

Do you think your depression will ever go away? I can't remember a period in my life in which I wasn't depressed.. I can't remember what I did yesterday.. or even the day before, but I never forget the pain. I never forget the times is sat in my sofa in this little room with the lights of and screamed and I never forget the tears.

Sure, every now and then I laugh and I smile, but the happy things disappear from my mind. It's just as if every good thing, every precious moment of optimism becomes suppressed by sadness. Lost somewhere beneath the surface.

I can't cry anymore. The tears just won't come. I need to write this down so I can relax for a short while, because the tears don't want to release it for me any longer.

I don't think I'm being coherent right now. I don't...know...I... Is anybody out there?? Do you know I'm here???

I've started to go outside more. I'm trying to be like a normal person. I just want to be.. happy.. just for a while at least.

Do you think there is a life after this one? Another place and another time, right? Maybe I'll live another life somewhere else. Leave myself behind, shed my skin and be someone else. ...But that's just a misleading dream.

You know, I used to have friends but they too have drifted away. Everything.. gone. Everything except the depression and the memory of what I've lost. Can I keep going through this for the rest of my life?

Years have passed now. In my mind the faces have long since started to melt away as plastic being pressed down onto a barbecue grill and and their voices are distorted. I can just BARELY remember the times I were so ecstatic, but the agony is still here. I haven't changed. I still want to be their friends even though they're all gone.

I need a shoulder to lean on. Teach me how to cry again so I don't lose my mind

I'm crazy. I've lost it. There has got to be something wrong with me! I'm derranged! Am i going to snap soon ::

getting your thoughts out shoud be good enough for now so you'll be ok

and no you are not derranged, your far far far away from it

hmmm :/ well, i can't say too much about this, i have a feeling of emptyness right now, is the f***ing sensation of feeling alone, feeling different with everyone, that sucks, and i think why i be this way? ho**y sh** :/... this problem was ruining my life about 1 year ago , i had suicidal thoughts and still i did not know what is gonna happen in my life.. if you wanna talk with someone i'm here see ya :]

You don't sound deranged at all, you just sound depressed ::
I've been feeling this way aswell. Sometimes someone will make me smile, or I'll do something for a few hours that takes the depression away, but as soon as that's gone that heavy dark blanket just wraps itself around you again. I can just feel it moving in like a fog as soon as I take my mind off what I'm doing. And I've stopped crying which I used to do all the time and it felt so good, gave me so much relief...Now I start crying and I can only do it for half a minute or so.

You're not going to snap, you're not going crazy, don't worry about that. Me and you seem to have another thing in common, I've started going out again and being a 'normal' person in the last few months aswell. I think for me it's the stress of that, and the shock of being around people again, and the loneliness, because the loneliness seems so much worse when I'm alone around people, as opposed to when I was alone in my house.

It will get better. I spent this week feeling completely hopeless, but it's lifting somewhat now. I'm still really depressed but the hopelessness is lifting. I hope it does for you too. I don't know how to do it though. If you keep going out and doing new things...if you meet people, though I know that's such a hard thing to do right now, for me it's exactly what I need, friends and human contact, that's what I'm lacking that's making me depressed.

And if you need to talk I'm here, just message me. Good luck

Just wanna say that i sympathise, i know what severe depression is (even though i've now more or less overcome it/know how to deal with it). It's so complicated, but you can definitely overcome the feeling if you put your mind to it (just remember the times you were happy in the past, as a child. Why should it be any more difficult to achieve hapiness now?) Keep fighting it and don't lose your faith, even a small amount will keep you going and keep you sane. And if you want anyone to chat to, advise, etc, feel free to IM me

I think you need to learn to let go of the past. That's all.

I find it very depressing that we need other human beings to be happy. If for some reason we can't establish close relationships with other people, then nothing else we do can avoid falling into deep depression.

Argamemnon said:

I find it very depressing that we need other human beings to be happy. If for some reason we can't establish close relationships with other people, then nothing else we do can avoid falling into deep depression.

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Well that's reality man, you just have to accept the way things are. Denying reality leads to ultimate suffering. In this "game" of life, we are social animals.

For 200,000 years we, homo sapiens with the exact same biology as you and I, lived in small, close-knit tribes with CONSTANT social interaction. We are carrying the same exact genetic structure as our 200,000-year-old ancestors. We are outdated, biological machines. We are genetically programmed to NEED social relationships.

So I came to this conclusion a long time ago, and I hope it will serve you as well as it serves me:

In this "game" of life, you can either play the game or quit - complaining gets you nowhere.

I choose to play, I hope you do too. Let's make it fun

^That's some interesting thinking. I knew we were social animals, but I never put in into an evolutionary perspective.

Ajuna, I know that feeling that "whatever happens or whatever I do, something is wrong with me". Trust me, nothing is wrong with neither you nor any other person here. As SickJoke stated, it is our free will to either stay depressed or...accept the reality the way it is.

The reality is, social anxiety is a myth. Yes, you can disagree, but it is no one else's problem except yours. Now, the reality also is that nothing horrible will happen if you live this non-existent lifestyle till you die. That was your choice, nothing else. You could have learned the skills to make friends again, you could have re-established old friendships - it's all your choice. I'm realising these things more and more right now. It only depends on your actions whether your life will get better. All I can say is - respect yourself even at your "lowest" points of social life or self-esteem, because that is still YOU and you have to be a friend of yourself any time in order to relax and feel "normal". The second important thing is to stop thinking all kinds of depressing thoughts - the reality will only change (as well as you) if you reach out and touch the life you're born into. By any means.

This, by the way, has been stated numerous times here and some people learn fast, some learn slower, and some VERY slow, but anyone will figure these things out given enough "torture" . I'm sure.

take care.

'All I can say is - respect yourself even at your "lowest" points of social life or self-esteem, because that is still YOU and you have to be a friend of yourself any time in order to relax and feel "normal".'

Great piece of advice, it's one of the most important things i've learnt tbh. Whoever you are, you'll inevitably have good and bad experiences, good and bad times. If you see the bad times as a learning curb then you'll come out of them much easier and your depression will ease. If however you dwell on the negative thoughts you'll probably get yourself deeper and deeper into the depression and never have any hope of feeling better. So stay positive!