Bronson99
Well-known member
So I've had things I've wanted to do for at least 15 years now. So I'm now 32, and the only thing I've done with these desires--dreaming and hoping--counts for nothing. I'm either dreaming about what I want, or hoping I will get lucky and it will just happen with little-to-no effort. But I cannot act.
At the risk of derailing the thread into controversy and sounding like a broken record, this time I will *not* discuss what it is I'm looking for.
But here's the major problem: I find I cannot push myself into action, because taking action is SO painful for me, and so fraught with peril, is it even worth it? These things I want are complicated and have serious risks attached to them, and I fear I could be seriously hurt by trying and failing. This is just the reality of the extremely fragile state of my emotional mind. Think of a child's emotional state and use the comparison of a radio that has no knob for volume, but four settings instead. The settings are: extremely low, low, high, or extremely high. I have no middle setting, and no way to adjust volume smoothly in an appropriate manner; and the settings can change quickly.
It bothers me to no end that the "normal" person with normal neurology can handle these things I want. That's not to say they can't be hurt, but what bothers me is, they take it all for granted! These things I want are so complex, and yet normal people act like they are entitled to these things!
But I'm not a normal person--I'm someone who isn't good at anything. Normal people can get things done, while I cannot. I'm defective and worthless.
At what point in life should one realize I should destroy all hope of anything I want, and at what point should I believe that inaction reflects actual ability? At what point should I believe I'm just too defective to handle it and just head back into the corner with my imaginary friends, and sit there alone for the rest of my life?
I really need some help here, I'm getting more depressed by the day, and nobody online seems to care. It doesn't help that nobody here or elsewhere offers me optimism, but instead, I get more of this "I've had your pain before and I solved it by giving up!" There must be another way!
At the risk of derailing the thread into controversy and sounding like a broken record, this time I will *not* discuss what it is I'm looking for.
But here's the major problem: I find I cannot push myself into action, because taking action is SO painful for me, and so fraught with peril, is it even worth it? These things I want are complicated and have serious risks attached to them, and I fear I could be seriously hurt by trying and failing. This is just the reality of the extremely fragile state of my emotional mind. Think of a child's emotional state and use the comparison of a radio that has no knob for volume, but four settings instead. The settings are: extremely low, low, high, or extremely high. I have no middle setting, and no way to adjust volume smoothly in an appropriate manner; and the settings can change quickly.
It bothers me to no end that the "normal" person with normal neurology can handle these things I want. That's not to say they can't be hurt, but what bothers me is, they take it all for granted! These things I want are so complex, and yet normal people act like they are entitled to these things!
But I'm not a normal person--I'm someone who isn't good at anything. Normal people can get things done, while I cannot. I'm defective and worthless.
At what point in life should one realize I should destroy all hope of anything I want, and at what point should I believe that inaction reflects actual ability? At what point should I believe I'm just too defective to handle it and just head back into the corner with my imaginary friends, and sit there alone for the rest of my life?
I really need some help here, I'm getting more depressed by the day, and nobody online seems to care. It doesn't help that nobody here or elsewhere offers me optimism, but instead, I get more of this "I've had your pain before and I solved it by giving up!" There must be another way!