Being assertive then feeling guilty?

worrywort

Well-known member
Anyone else have this problem?

I think the main problem I have with being assertive is because I feel guilty afterwards. I really don't like hurting peoples feelings and I really don't like to feel like a bad person. What if I get too assertive and cause a lot of tension and bother, and then it turns out I'm in the wrong? I'd feel like that would be such a blow to my identity. I'm a nice guy! I don't do stuff like that!....right?!

I don't like saying no to people or causing aggrovation, but sometimes I feel like the world is kicking me around too much.

What's the answer here? Should I care less about other people? Are there way's to be assertive without seeming like a jerk?
 

NothingElseMatters

Well-known member
Disagreeing with someone when you do it in a calm way doesnt make you a bad person.If you give up on your opinions easily just for the sake of being liked,people are not gonna respect you.they are gonna respect you much more when you give an opinion even if its different than theirs.But also keep an open mind when you hear someones opinion...
 

no1

Banned
if you do it in a calm manner, and not actually expressing anger, you shouldn't really feel bad afterwards. Perhaps you feel bad afterwards because you acted out of resentment and/or guilt.

I have the same problem also.

Blowing up, is not being assertive, even when it's done in a non-violent manner. Watch your tone, watch your emotions. What if you communicate unconsciously to the person, that you don't believe he/she will respond favorably, and therefore he/she unconsciously believes it,and responds unfavorably. If you are confident in yourself you shouldn't be angry anyways (at least I think so). Instead you will actually be nice out of love and that person might reflect the same exact thing.

You gotta be careful with other humans because of their subconscious, as well as conscious minds but that's just the other part of the picture. We all have 2 brains, our gut, and our cortical brains. Be careful what you communicate unconsciously/consciously to yourself and others.

if anything perhaps that person is simply being unreceptive.
 
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recluse

Well-known member
I have the same problem showing assertion. I've got this fear that i'm going to offend people o'r make people hate me if i stick up for myself. I often wonder if i should be more sellfish, perhaps it's better to be a tad sellfish?
 

Sinar_Matahari

Well-known member
Anyone else have this problem?

I think the main problem I have with being assertive is because I feel guilty afterwards. I really don't like hurting peoples feelings and I really don't like to feel like a bad person. What if I get too assertive and cause a lot of tension and bother, and then it turns out I'm in the wrong? I'd feel like that would be such a blow to my identity. I'm a nice guy! I don't do stuff like that!....right?!

I don't like saying no to people or causing aggrovation, but sometimes I feel like the world is kicking me around too much.

What's the answer here? Should I care less about other people? Are there way's to be assertive without seeming like a jerk?

You sound like you're a really sweet and thoughtful person. I know how what you mean by feeling guilty after being assertive. When I try to be assertive it seems to really put people off. It's more difficult for women because society wants women to be sweet and accomodating as opposed to assertive which in female speak means b****. If I were a man I'd feel a lot more comfortable with being assertive.

You don't have to be mean to be assertive. I understand that you don't want to hurt others but there is a way to be assertive and not aggressive. If you are not acting in a threatening or aggressive manner then you shouldn't come across as either. It will be good for your confidence and self-esteem if you don't give up on your assertiveness. It will make you tougher. Don't worry too much about other people. I know, I hate saying that. You have to progress and it may not necessarily involve hurting others but some individuals just can't deal with assertiveness and they will think you're a jerk. But it is not your fault if some people can't tell the difference between assertive and asshole. You just can't win with some people so you may as well be the best that you can for yourself.



You should be proud that you're trying out your assertiveness! I completely support you on that.
 

Sinar_Matahari

Well-known member
I have the same problem showing assertion. I've got this fear that i'm going to offend people o'r make people hate me if i stick up for myself. I often wonder if i should be more sellfish, perhaps it's better to be a tad sellfish?

You have to be a tad selfish if you want to better yourself and improve your confidence. It's unfortunate but you have to be responsible for yourself not for others. It's very kind of you to care enough to not want to hurt others. It shows that you are a good person but you're not any more responsible for the way others make themselves feel than others are responsible for our SA. In the end only the individual can themselves be hurt. If someone can't tell the difference between assertiveness and arrogance then it is something that they will have to learn on their own. It's not about being cold and callous. You have to look out for yourself and it's not as if you're purposely trying to hurt someone. I understand if someone is hurt by some wrong because it was intentional but why be hurt if it wasn't intentional? Adults need to learn the difference between those two. Maybe you being assertive with them will help them understand the difference the next time they meet actual arrogance. Some people will just envy you for being assertive but seriously, that is their problem and not yours. Some people feel justified in resenting those they envy but they're not dealing with their emotions as adults should. It is their responsibility and their problem.

Feel free to be assertive with me on these posts if you think it will help or if you need practice. Know that I won't get pissed off at you for being assertive or blunt.
 

kuhtreen

Well-known member
EXACTLY. Sometimes I try a different, assertive/honest approach...and then I just feel so guilty after. When I'm assertive, I feel mean. Even if I don't necessarily say anything mean.
 

Emmmmy

Well-known member
That's just the same for me - I feel too guilty about it all in the long run for it to be worth it!

Whenever I try and make a stand at work - no matter how politely I do it, I always decide I wish I hadn't bothered, and wish I'd gone along with whatever they wanted from me.
In my case, I think it's just I'm pretty low in the pecking order - so even when I have a completely legit case for sticking up for myself, it'll get overuled just because I'm me.
:( I like my work mates, and they're not cruel..... but it's just pretty easy to ignore me as I'm generally so placid.
 

JCS008

Well-known member
It never use to bother me when I was younger being assertive to some people, but I think the issue was that I was assertive to the people who didn't deserve it, and some people where I'd act timid against them. Luckily I really regretted this and became nicer to people. These days I'm fine with being assertive to anyone and standing up for myself, but sometimes I hate when I go overboard or if I get angry over something so immature like some douche on the road or an idiot at the bar.
 

worrywort

Well-known member
thanks for the replies guys

no1 said:
"What if you communicate unconsciously to the person, that you don't believe he/she will respond favorably, and therefore he/she unconsciously believes it,and responds unfavorably."

that's a very good point!.....yea I think maybe sometimes being assertive can be the kinder thing to do, even if it makes people uncomfortable in the short term, in the long term it may help them more, and you're also giving the person the message that you believe they're strong enough to handle your criticism. They may respect you more for it.

The thing that annoys me a lot is the way people [me included] would rather smile and sugar coat things and not rock the boat, than to voice a controversial opinion. Sometimes people go too far and bounderies are crossed and it's important that someone stands up and says something, but that will always inevitably come with awkardness....and therefore requires bravery....but I think it's the right thing to do.
 

theblank

Well-known member
I have this same problem. Over the past few weeks I've had to assert myself a number of different times in order to protect my livelihood. I had to run five people off from the place I work and each time I did I felt like I was a being a jerk. I don't like being the "bad guy", but if I didn't run those people off I would have been stewing in self hatred for not saying anything while watching my income plummet. So I did what I had to do, but felt guilty about it.
 

CeeJay1981

Banned
I used to have the same problem.

The reason is that we have subconsciously DISOWNED our "ass-kicker," (for want of a better term) because it was UNSAFE to behave in that way when we were small.

Perhaps one or both of our parents punished us, either verbally or physically, when we animated such behavior.

What happens when we disown these parts of ourselves is that they come out in COVERT and DYSFUNCTIONAL ways. You may notice yourself being "passive/aggressive" a lot as a way to release this part of yourself. You may find yourself suppressing your assertive nature and then going away and acting it out in some way that is inappropriate elsewhere. Perhaps you snap at someone who had nothing to do with the original event where you suppressed your natural assertiveness.

The trick is to learn how to stand up for yourself, or someone else, in a way where you do not get EMOTIONAL. Whenever we get emotional we cannot fully place our attention on the person or persons that need to be "skillfully" shown the error of their ways.

Instead, we see them as a threat, or as "something that needs dealing with" instead of human beings that have feelings.

Even if they are being complete A-holes - getting emotional is likely to make the situation worse. In fact, that's often what they want from you on a subconscious level anyway - a reaction. They are looking for a fight and if you react, that's what you get.

I know there are plenty of good resources out there that can help you in this. As ever, try Google
 
I have a problem with being assertive as well. I think in the past, I must have been turned off from being assertive because I ended up being wrong after I did, so now I'm afraid to. Also, I think if you get too assertive, it crosses the line into aggression, which is something that I want to avoid at all costs. The only time I am usually assertive is when I'm driving. ::p:
 

AlleyCat

Well-known member
I wish I could be more assertive too. I have a tendency of letting people walk all over me and take advantage. I am just so afraid of hurting someone's feelings. Growing up, I was overly sensitive about other people's comments at times and let things get to me when I probably shouldn't. I have a really hard time saying no to people even when it puts me in uncomfortable situations I don't want to be in.
 

hoddesdon

Well-known member
I used to have the same problem.

The reason is that we have subconsciously DISOWNED our "ass-kicker," (for want of a better term) because it was UNSAFE to behave in that way when we were small.

Perhaps one or both of our parents punished us, either verbally or physically, when we animated such behavior.

What happens when we disown these parts of ourselves is that they come out in COVERT and DYSFUNCTIONAL ways. You may notice yourself being "passive/aggressive" a lot as a way to release this part of yourself. You may find yourself suppressing your assertive nature and then going away and acting it out in some way that is inappropriate elsewhere. Perhaps you snap at someone who had nothing to do with the original event where you suppressed your natural assertiveness.

The trick is to learn how to stand up for yourself, or someone else, in a way where you do not get EMOTIONAL. Whenever we get emotional we cannot fully place our attention on the person or persons that need to be "skillfully" shown the error of their ways.

Instead, we see them as a threat, or as "something that needs dealing with" instead of human beings that have feelings.

Even if they are being complete A-holes - getting emotional is likely to make the situation worse. In fact, that's often what they want from you on a subconscious level anyway - a reaction. They are looking for a fight and if you react, that's what you get.

I know there are plenty of good resources out there that can help you in this. As ever, try Google

That is a really insightful post, and an example of this website at its best (even if the person in question was banned for spam).

The whole issue of assertiveness vs aggressiveness is important for absolutely everyone. On the one hand aggressiveness ends up harming the aggressor too, even if they do not recognise it; on the other hand not being assertive and ending up as a doormat does not help anyone either.
 

mikebird

Banned
My assertiveness has evolved onto a higher plane which I never saw coming.

I never feel anything near to guilt.

I consider the ramifications to others, but mostly to me, because my actions have affected my life and the way I've been treated by others, and their sad, pathetic closed world of intolerance. With the progression I've made, I can't see it going the other way.

My actions are all in speech, and nothing towards violence. I find it difficult to tolerate people's intolerance towards me, where actions could develop towards violence or my suicide, and those people should be able to see the difference here, where my actions are passive, just in vocal or written expression... aiming at suggestions and ideas to offer.

They should value their own existence! The way they make real action about limiting my access or responsibility, or aborting my employment... That's worth thinking about
 
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