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Old 07-09-2017

I have been dating my boyfriend for two months now. I'll call him A. We are also work colleagues who work closely together.

So A is described in work by my colleagues as being "socially ackward". A guy who doesn't really listen and is in a world of his own. His had difficult working relationships with many people in the past.

This didn't bother me. As when I first got close to him, he made me feel really safe. We both have depression.

At the beginning of the relationship, we both made it clear on what we were looking for.

A is a 42 year old whose friends have made a life of their own. Therefore he is an introvert. His at the time of his life where he wants to meet someone for companionship and go out places with. His not looking for someone to move in, have kids or get married. In fact, his quite unromantic. A guy who prefers to stay in and rest on days off from work. He doesn't really talk much in conversations. A is a very sensitive man. No matter how diplomatic you try to be around giving constructive feedback to him. He sees it as an personal attack and gets very upset.

I am a 28 year old who is not looking for commitment. I too am happy to be someone for companionship and to go out with. I too, am not looking to have kids, marriage or move in with a guy. As I am young, I want to attend uni for my nursing career and to travel to the states. I may look at commitment within the next ten years. But not now, while I still have life to live.

When me and A first got involved, we were texting a lot and going out to places. Two months later, the texting has minimised. He doesn't want to go out. Instead he wants us to stat at my place. Cuddle up and watch TV. I have told him, I don't mind doing this but not all the time. I do want to go out with him.

A couple of times in the relationship, we have had disagreements. Where I wanted to talk to him about something personal. Despite knowing this, he came straight into work. Ignored me and went straight on to Facebook to talk to his friends. As soon as another colleague came in, he logged off and came out to speak to me. I was a little upset at the time because I felt second priority.

I have opened up to him about my abuse in the past. Very deep stuff that I have never disclosed to anyone. Also I was a virgin before I met him. So his been my first. So I feel this guy is someone who I really care about and like.

Although we both have agreed that we like space. Sometimes I feel he is a little bit too much in my space. We can spend three days together at my place. Then see each other at work on most days. Then as we finish work, he wants to come over to spend more time with me. Sometimes I feel it's a bit too much. When we are off weekends, he wants to spend time with me. A few times I have to make excuses that I am going out with friends. This way, I can have time on my own.

His told me he wants to go out in the Autumn and would prefer to stay indoors. Although it's nice to have a day in. But I feel we are living as an elderly couple and I still want to go out and have fun.

Now I have set my heart on going to Uni next year to start my nursing career. This would mean me leaving the job. He seemed quite upset when I told him my plan. He was questioning where I am going to attend uni. As soon as I said, I was hoping to attend one near where I live. He seemed happy. But now I am looking at other plans to perhapes attend one outside London. Even if that means, moving out of London. He got really upset when I told him this is a possibility. He seemed really upset and said he is willing to move with me. As soon as he said this, I was thinking what?? We have only been dating two months.

On the first week of us dating, he was joking about moving in together. Going away together on weekend breaks. I just found it too rushed and have many times reminded him for us to take things slow.

Now since this week, things have been different between us. What with the uni business.

For quite some time, I have noticed that when we spend time together at my place. We hardly talk. If I say something, he won't listen. I try to laugh a lot but it doesn't seem to work. Most of the time, he spends his attention texting his friends even when he comes to stay with me.

On Friday, he seemed distant. I could feel it. I asked him something isn't quite right. He agreed but stated he could not put his finger on it. As soon as I mentioned that we are distancing between each other. He got upset. I told him I really need him to communicate with me when he feels or knows there is a problem between us. So we discuss it and move on. Besides it takes two to make a relationship work.

But this weekend he came over and I was really looking forward to spending time together. As soon as we put the tennis on, he was constantly texting on his phone. We hardly said two words to each other. As soon as he went out yesterday to buy beers, I broke down in tears to my brother and I realized I had to say something to A.

Despite him being overly sensitive, I knew telling him how unhappy I was and that I don't think things are working between us.

As soon as I said the words, I cried. He admitted that he felt something was missing between us and he noticed that we don't really talk. He didn't want to mention it because he didn't want to make a scene. That's why I feel the communication is lacking. From the moment I feel something is wrong. I prefer to address it. But he chooses not to say anything and that's why our relationship is not gonna work - by the lack of communication.

I told him that I feel he has more of a relationship with his phone. It's disrespectful to constantly be on his phone especially if he has chosen to spend with his girlfriend at her place. He doesn't talk to me. Just ignores me. I noticed he started to cry and was really shocked. I felt so guilty for being honest. I grabbed hold of him and assured him that I will always care for him.

I assured him that I don't want to end things instead I am hoping that by being honest we can work things out. He stayed the night. Took us out for a meal but would not talk to me.

All through out the night, he would not talk to me. He would not touch me. He just ignored me. Somehow I was made to feel that I was the bad guy. I just wanted to be honest and open.

The next morning he woke up happy and talking to me. Although I felt down. I felt angry. Like now you wanna talk to me. You have ignored me despite staying at my home. Now you wanna just carry on. He said he was okay and offered to take me out for breakfast. As soon as I mentioned that he had ignored me. He grabbed hold of me and tried to hug me. Then said do you think going out last night helped? I kind of got the impression that he wanted to take me out in order to keep me happy. He told me his not good with relationships. His better with friendships.

He knew I wanted space and informed he was going back to his place. As soon as I said, I want to spend the day in with my cats because they make me smile. He asked does he smile on my face? I kinda got fed up at this point. He knew it was giving me space was what I needed. He kissed me on the side of my face and left. He asked for reassurance that we will always be in a relationship.

I had a few hours to clear my head. Have tried to phone him but left a message.

I know his attached. I know his overly sensitive. I know his socially ackward which might be why he can't talk to me much. But I feel if I remain in this relationship. It will be taking me to be the leader. I will need to learn how to deal with his lack of communication. That would mean me having to do a lot of the hard work.

Maybe it's a case of he wants a relationship but just doesn't know how to make a relationship work. Maybe it's a case of the age gap - we want different things.

Either way, I am working towards uni.

Is this something that can work or should I just end it?
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Old 07-09-2017
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Hello anxiousmess,

I have never been in any relationship, because I don't want to feel any emotions, I feel it hinders me from acting rationally or just being my true self. I am not going to lie to anyone, I'd love to be in a relationship and have sex, but personal integrity is what is most important to me I suppose.

Sorry, I don't intend to hijack your thread, this is about you not me.

I can hardly give you any advice on this matter, I am sorry, if this is (both) your first love relationship don't be hard on yourself, you learn something everyday.

Originally Posted by anxiousmess View Post
I felt so guilty for being honest. I grabbed hold of him and assured him that I will always care for him.
Never feel guilty of being honest, being dishonest amounts to insulting people's intelligence.

As for the age gap, I definitely cannot help you, personally I wouldn't dare get attached to a girl 5 years younger than me, it wouldn't feel right. In many couples, men are usually older, so there's nothing weird about this in society.
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Old 07-10-2017
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wow- this so reminds me quite a bit of my relationship. My bf is very needy, cannot communicate and I have to initiate things to do with him, be responsible for so much with him- I am the leader like you feel you are with your partner. Its alot of energy with not much back (well not in my relationship).

He sounds like a nice guy- but he cannot expect you to stop your dreams for him and be the making more effort all the time. That's not fair.

What I've been learning in my relationship is that because we are so opposite in interests and lifestyles, that the more I spend time with my partner- the more I end up losing myself and giving up my precious time on things where I had desires and goals and hobbies. I have to make room for a guy that lacks being present with me and has issues with communication also. When I make an effort most of the time and I don't get that as much in return- it's a feeling of resentment that can build up over time. It's not healthy.

You guys are quite different ages too. He sounds like a guy that may have given up on any goals he may have had. He should really be making a conscious effort to you if he wants to keep you.
You did the right thing and was authentic and said what you felt - which can be very hard. And yes, it may make you feel like the bad one - but what you are saying is that you deserve better than that behaviour. I think it takes a day for that to sink in as men can go into their caves so to speak when confronted.

I too have had abuse, I'm not a virgin but close to it when I met my partner. I have a very lack of partners in my life, being A sexual for most of it. Having a partner that is like a security to you can be a good and bad thing.

Ultimately- I think relationships should really be encouraging and supportive of each other to be the best they can be with the same values and similar interests.

There are times when maybe being in a relationship for certain comforts and securities may be what one needs in order to learn about what they really want in the future.

What I will say in terms of advice is that listen to your gut instinct. What I hear you saying is that he is not giving you what you feel you deserve. Do not put your value down, because you deserve the best.
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Old 07-16-2017
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If I were, I'd end it. Otherwise you'll just have a series of ups and downs and disappointments. It doesn't sound like the two of you gel all that much; you were both a matter of convenience who tried to make it more than that and it seemed to have failed but neither of you want to let it go for different reasons. Trust me, as lonely as it might feel, it's better to be on your own than be around someone who when they're around just annoys/disappoints you. It's too much negative energy spent on someone who doesn't sound all that good for you. At least if you're alone you'll have peace of mind and the freedom to do as you wish. Or even find someone healthier, if you choose to search, that's a better fit for you. Either way, I wish you luck!
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