Zero desire to live out my life, apathy clings onto me. (Very long)

The story goes like this - I'm currently 19 and still homebound. My parents separated early this year and my father has had zero impact on my life ever since. While this is, overall, excellent (my dad had a caustic, negative influence over me and how I should be living my life, he also abused my mom often and started abusing me after a while as well) I can't help but wander what to do with my life now since he was the only person who seemed capable of kicking my ass into gear and doing things (Well...kinda).

My mother is my only true friend. How sad is that? We spend a lot of time together and lately we've been all over the place traveling (Canada, NYC, a couple other places), but I can't help but feel that her intrusiveness and overbearing mindset will damage me in the long run.

I graduated high school in May 2009 and since then, I'll admit I haven't done jack**** with my life. I mope about playing World of Warcraft, browsing internet forums, listening to music, watching movies, and occasionally reading a book that holds my interest. I don't work or have a social life. I usually go to bed between 5-6 am and wake up at 2-4 pm. I will leave the apartment maybe twice a week tops for either a walk or to go to the cinema, alone of course. For a while I've been content with my complacency in life, but now I fear that I've gotten TOO comfortable and that I should be attempting to overcome my SAD.

The thing is, I have ZERO desire to return to school. Is it so wrong to believe that it may not be for me? I hear about incumbent Freshmen being forced into college having ZERO idea of what they want to study, what they want to do with their lives, etc...just to please mommy and daddy. Well **** that, I'm done being a "pleaser", I've lived in misery as a pleaser for years, just trying to make my dad as happy as possible and never caring about my own being.

I mean, I did well in high school (Minus class presentations...-shudder-) but my heart just isn't into getting a higher education right now, in fact, my heart (and brain) is directing me as FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE from any institution. I feel as if any time I invest in getting an education will go to waste since my SAD will hold me back from making the best use out of it once I graduate. And if/when I DO graduate I'll be waist-deep in debt. I just don't see any pros to this unless I major in business, computer science, or go to medical school, and none of those appeal to me whatsoever, but they sure pull in the big bucks, heh.

I'm lost. I'm a social pariah. I have zero support sans my mother and possibly aunt. I can't work. I don't want to go to school despite being an apt pupil (Just saw that movie, couldn't resist, heh). Should I travel more? I found that fulfilling, though its expensive. Should I write? Should I learn an instrument? Should I attempt tapping into my artistic side? Shall I live out the rest of my life as a slacker?

UGH. What's going to happen to me? =[
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Well-known member
i been through everything you're going through. my parents forced me into college, i didn't even get to think about it. my dad has several siblings with children my age and he was in competition with them to prove who's children are the best/most successful. i picked art classes at college cause i couldn't even begin to fathom actually wanting to complete college for almost the exact same reasons you listed. so i squeaked through several years of college taking BS classes i thought i could do well in, but in reality i was stalling, trying to build up the courage to confront my parents and tell them that i didn't want to do college.

my anxiety attacks in college were so bad that confronting my dad to tell him i was dropping out was the most liberating and fulfilling moment of my life. but that's me. you might be the type of person who could benefit going to college, however difficult it may be for you.

it sounds like you're already in "break" mode from school currently. you should take advantage of this time and assess your situation. how badly would your SAD affect your performance in college? would you be able to commit to a major? how would your parents react to your going to college? should you adress your SAD and possibly get some kind of treatment first?

and delving too deep into art, writing and other hobbies may worsen your sleep schedule. i know because i do the same thing, staying up till 5am doing these things cause my brain gets latched onto a project and -oops- there's the sun coming up. and i'm not sure how to solve this, so i'll wait for another poster to come on here and offer some ideas:D.


Well-known member
World of Warcraft is addictive. Try to wean yourself off these games...
There are people with destroyed lives, careers, marriages... from this. Some people even died playing.

That said, you may still be in a bit of shock and 'rebellion mode' against your dad. I know I still am, and I'm older than you /sigh/

Reserach the hikikomori/NEET phenomenon.. Lots of people seem to have similar problems.. In Japan, there are services available for help, not sure if anywhere else in the world? There may be some game addiction help available worldwide.. (I know there are bootcamps for this in Korea.?? :D)

Not sure what to say.. how about, try to do some volunteering? See if anything worthwhile or interesting comes at you this way?

A friend of mine was in a similar position, and then her Mom made her join the army. She actually loved it there, and she still has a career there, met her hubby there, then finished University and now even an MA I hear.. and they are now married with kids.. So you may do this all in a different order..

Also, you can get cheaper education abroad. It's insanely expensive in North America.. Much cheaper or even free elsewhere, or even where you live if you get a scholarship or something..
I'm almost in the exact same situation as you, except from my parents are still together. After I graduated from high school I've felt like there's no options that fit me (or fit my weaknesses). I also spend a lot of time with my mum, but as you I've been thinking it'll hurt me more than do me any good, so I'm trying to keep more of a distance between us. I've told my parents I'm looking for a job, but truth is I don't think I could handle any job. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself.
I'm sorry I don't have any advices, but I know how it feels. I hope you'll find something you love to do. I got interesting in learning foreign languages, and at the moment that's what keeping me sane.