Would this scene be too cheesy/cliche

[FriendlyShadow]

This isn't from a story, but a kind of love like scene I made up myself. I would call it more emotional type of love scene. I know it sounds like a typical cheesy romantic scene. This is kind of an excerpt of the scene(it's also scripted as well):



Drake: Listen, I'm... scared.

Umbra:Scared? What do you mean you're scared, Drake?

DrakeSighs as he looks down at the ground): I don't think you'd understand why though. It's actually too complicated for me to explain it.

UmbraLifts Drake's chin up): Drake, I know there is something wrong. And I know you have been keeping quiet for days when you're around with me. But whatever it is you want to tell me, I'll still love you. I won't ever leave you no matter what it is. Please, Drake, tell me what's wrong.

Drakepauses for a moment) I'm scared everything will be taken away from me. The gifts I grew up with having are going to soon grow apart from me.

Umbralooking puzzled): Drake, why do you say that? You haven't lost anything.

Drake: I'm going to.

Umbrarake, you aren't going to lose me, do you hear? I am never going to leave you. I want you to stop telling yourself that because it's not true. Don't you know this does no good to either of us. You're letting this lie consume you your whole life. Just please stop thinking you are going to lose everything.

Drake: You just don't understand. You just don't understand why I think the way I do. I care for you too much, but it seems I have let it go on too soon.

Umbra: You know what? You're actually right. I don't understand because I see no reason for you to be so down on yourself. Why do you do that, Drake? It's great that you care for me, I just don't understand why you keep doing this to yourself. Almost as if you treated yourself out to be an enemy of some sort.

Drakecloses his eyes for a moment, and then slams his fist down the desk): No you need to understand me Umbra! You need to understand how this gets in the way with our relationship. Neither your friends or family will understand what I've been through. I'm tired of being unloved. I'm tired of being abused. I'm tired of hiding under my bed crying and I'm tired of always feeling tired!

Umbrarake, please! Please just stop it! I love you! I really do, just please stop getting angry! Please, Drake I know it's been hard...(Starts to cry)

DrakeAlso crying, hugging Umbra in his arms. Kissing her head multiple times) Oh Umbra I'm sorry. I love you too, I'm just so stupid. I just want it all to stop, baby. I just want this nightmare to stop. I wish things weren't like this for me. I just wish any of this trouble wasn't burdened upon me.

DrakePulling her away for a moment as he kisses her for a few minutes) I promise I'll get better. I promise everything will be right again. Just please promise you won't leave me. Please.

Umbra: I won't.



I know it's cliche, maybe unrealistic. I was just writing it today and was wondering if it sounds cheesy or not.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

Sorry that those smiley faces got in the way infront of Drake.

 

[OnlyAlice]

Well...I wish I had a box of crackers (;

 

[Odo]

Well, a good rule to follow is 'show, don't tell'... this is practically all telling.

First of all, your main character seems like a self-absorbed ****. He claims that he loves Umbra but I don't believe it because he seems too incapable of getting over himself and his frustrations to ever really connect with another person. Anyone who goes on and on about how they're 'scared', 'tired of being abused', 'tired of being unloved' (even though apparently they're in a relationship?), and 'hiding under the bed' is going to come off as weak, whiny and unlikable. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for here or not... but yeah, if he's always complaining and getting angry at people that he apparently cares about, it's going to be really hard for anyone to identify. Audiences tend to identify with how they see themselves, not how they actually are.

The female character seems to exist solely as a sounding board for the main character's frustrations. She comes off more like a doting mother than a girlfriend... and it's really hard for me to understand what this girl sees in him. She is endlessly supportive and endlessly interested in his self-absorbed bullshit, and then cowers in fear and begs him to stop when he gets angry at her for no good reason. She basically lets this weak, whiny boy abuse her and take advantage of her extreme selflessness, and then apparently loves him for it. WHY?

I would say that you need to completely rethink your characters, and ditch this scene completely or rewrite it so she at least attempts to stand up for herself.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

Hey, thanks for the advice. It is hard for me not to write something cliche and make it realistic for the audience at the same time. I now recognized where my flaws are in this story script, but of course this was my first attempt to do this. I do appreciate you giving me advice on how to change this story. Thank you Odo.

 

[Bo592]

Great job ,I give it two thumbs up. That the first time I read a story that was easy for me to picture in my mind.

 

[Odo]

Hey, thanks for the advice. It is hard for me not to write something cliche and make it realistic for the audience at the same time. I now recognized where my flaws are in this story script, but of course this was my first attempt to do this. I do appreciate you giving me advice on how to change this story. Thank you Odo.

Hey no problem-- I thought I might have been a little harsh but good on you for being able to accept criticism... you'll probably hear a lot worse if you want to be a writer so keep your head up and do your best!

Good luck!