Why the HE** do I keep doing stupid stuff

[cowboyup]

So I received a text from a buddy of mine. In one sentence that he said to me, I flipped and made a huge deal and even bigger mistake of posting it to a public forum (Quipio app) - I didn't use any names, but quoted what was said, posted it and yes, I knew this person was a member on the site. Why did I do it? I have no reasonable nor logical explanation other than the usual - splitting headache, he irritated me, kids whining, me trying to keep up with all the stupid demands - But those are no logical, reasonable explanation for what I did.

In the back of my mind I knew if I just stepped back, took a deep breath, and waited to calm down, it'd go away, but NOOO, I had to go and do the unthinkable.

I hate myself today

Of course he saw it/read it and got back with me as to why. I told him what he said to me was hurtful, rude, etc.

He responded with the fact that he knew I was 'nutty/quirky/scatterbrained
when he met me yet is not trying to change me - he accepts that is who I am.

I am really trying to work on getting over the past, be more 'stable' and gain a sense of confidence, build self esteem, then I go and do a stupid thing like that rather than tell him - either via text or skype.

There's no explanation other than I am a D.A. (dumb A**)

I know people do not change overnight. I get that. But I want to be that person people say, "hey, she seems to have it together" (even if kind of false) I want to be happy, healthy, I want to have passion in my life about people, places, things.

I know my longing for these stem from when I was a kid, being bullied, having to carry the load for the family, etc.

I also know that I have told WAY TOO MUCH - exposed too much of my past to this person, which is a no-no.

It seems, oftentimes, when people know TMI about you, it ends up hurting you via that person knowing your weak spots.

...lesson learned...

FACEPALM BIG TIME!

I don't want to be known as the nutty, scatter-brained person. I want to have it together - honestly, I used to but apparently not anymore.

Also, a part of this stems back from when my mom used to call me stupid, never amount to anything, and one night after my dad got home from the bar, I over heard him on the phone to his sister saying, "she (meaning me) should be in a mental hospital, I come home and there is a sink full of dishes here, the dishwasher is full..." he thought I as crazy enough to be committed just for not doing the dishes. That I will never forget and now I feel like I have to watch everything I say and do, in fear someone will think I'm crazy.

But it just turns out I guess I am that stupid girl who is crazy sometimes and I long to be 'stable'.... silly huh?

Some days are crummier than others.

I'll try again tomorrow. I have another change to change, right?

Well, I'm not going on Quipio anymore.

:kickingmyself::kickingmyself:


Lessons I learned today:
Never reveal too much about yourself to others.
Never, ever, even if you are in a rage of madness, post to an open forum about how you feel.
Think better of yourself.

And yes, I am writing this in a public forum, and yes, I just revealed a LOT....

hypocrisy at its best.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Don't be too hard on yourself. When I'm stressed or very anxious, I tend to be very impulsive, which typically leads to stupid decisions. Everyone makes mistakes.

I think it's important to have a few people (or at least one) that you can disclose things to that are personal. Also sites like these are a good release and sounding board. You just have to be careful "who" you disclose what to. But, you do need at least someone.

 

[Xervello]

Perhaps your clumsy impulsiveness is what's most appealing about you. Aside from the occasional grief it causes, lol. I get wanting to have it altogether so you're not constantly making mistakes. But all the same, it's what makes you you. However, I get your larger point. And I wish you luck with it. Don't forget, a lot of us here can feel your pain.