Why it happens and how to support.

[Hellhound]

You have someone who's really, super, uberly close to you. You love them, they love you. There's a really strong bond, you need each other.

The person has a major degree of (emotional) avoidance, though. At times, it causes frustration, you still love them, but you want to help, you want to do something, but you feel clueless and helpless.

First off, why would someone unleash their AvPD around a loved one?

Second, how should the other person proceed in order to make the loved one feel more secure?

Third, does avoidance diminish with time or it gets worse?

Thank you.

 

[DepravedFurball]

I'd say that the loved-one with AvPD is really, *really* struggling with their condition. It's not that they're not getting enough support or that they're feeling insecure... just that they have a disproportionate amount of bad days to good ones...

Remember that AvPD causes them to feel extremely sensitive to negativity, rejection, have a fear of humiliation and ridicule... so this loved-one walks around in a constant state of potent anxiety. They can be terrified of every single interaction they might have, and obsess constantly about what horrors their next encounter may bring...

I'm waffling between suggesting a supportive confrontation (in a very tender way with plenty of encouraging smiles, soft tones and kind words), or one slightly more demanding (ultimately winding up dragging them to therapy). There's a lot to be said for the sweet approach... but that's most-likely a temporary fix...

Therapy is a longer-lasting solution. Something happened in their childhood that they *really* need to confront. But they're going to need heaps of emotional support while they process everything. You'd have to get all hard-*** on them at times... go all Bruce Willis on them. Once they've learned how to recognize their symptoms and how to combat the stresses effectively, then there'll be a marked improvement...

However... if they've already *been* through therapy, and they're *still* super-avoidant... uh, well... I guess that would mean they're struggling even worse than ever before. A good thing, though, is that it could be attributed to a single identifiable trigger. Find out what it is, remove it, and their anxieties should ease quickly.

 

[Hellhound]

Do you think the person would know if you're trying to be nice? :sad:

 

[DepravedFurball]

Ahhh, well... it's a bit of a double-edged sword. They'll most likely resist... perhaps starting off with a couple of kind refusals, then swiftly escalate to yelling and screaming about it as you keep prodding them...

But the more you keep going back and showing that you support them and that you'll be there during and after any treatment... then they should understand that it won't be as absolutely terrifying as they imagine it to be.

I'd say that if you wanted to urge them to go to therapy, then your best bet is to attack and retreat quickly. Give them a 10 second pitch of your idea, then withdraw and allow them to process it. The next round, allow them to refuse once, then back off. The next time, ignore the first dismissal and continue your pitch, but when they escalate, retreat. With every successive attempt, take one more denial or refusal before giving them their space. Eventually they're going to realize that you're *not* going to give the idea up, and they'll start to come around to your way of thinking.

It'll take time, yes... but getting into therapy is the absolute best choice. No amount of self-help books or online journals will help them combat their AvPD better than one-on-one counselling... or one-on-two if they want you to sit there with them.

But it'll take a lot out of yourself, too... you'll have to shoulder the brunt of the weight, and display that you can be their immovable pillar. Still... if you've already got a massive emotional attachment... then, hey... you already know what you'll do for them.

 

[planetweirdo]

First off, why would someone unleash their AvPD around a loved one?

if the person has severe AVPD then s/he may not really have a choice but to unleash it on everyone, even loved ones. but this is not at all any fault of yours.

Second, how should the other person proceed in order to make the loved one feel more secure?

I'm not really sure that you can. s/he may need to get professional from therapy if the AvPD is severe. but maybe you can reassure the person that you will always love and support him/her no matter what.

Third, does avoidance diminish with time or it gets worse?

Thank you.

It depends. if the persons avoidance is severe, then it's unlikely that it will diminish over time unless s/he get therapy. but if the persons avoidance is mild then maybe s/he will open up to you more in time. I can't say rather or not it will get worse.

I hope this helps

 

[Naesala]

You have someone who's really, super, uberly close to you. You love them, they love you. There's a really strong bond, you need each other.

First off, why would someone unleash their AvPD around a loved one?

First of all, I can only answer how it works for me, every person is different, even though obviously there will be some strong similarities. Which is why I like to help you out by answering, since the more answers you get, the better picture it paints of a general idea of how it works for people with APD.

For me this is happening as I speak. I got closer to a classmate whom I really like and care for. It really causes me (and sadly also her!) a great amount of heartache.

The reason I unleash it most around this loved one, is because I`m most afraid to lose her. Because of this, I`m freakishly aware of everything I do around her and what possible (negative) effects it can have on our relationship. Because she stands so close to me, I don`t only really overobserve my own signals to her, but also her signals to me. Because of my anxieties and past experiences, I interpretate everything in a negative sense. Which makes it virtually impossible for her to do anything right and I implode on her again and again. This makes me feel horrible and hopeless and makes me create more distance with her and telling her that this needs to stop (the friendship) for both our sakes. I`m extremely lucky so far she has been real understanding (because she herself also has some experiences in this area, even though she hasn`t got APD).

Second, how should the other person proceed in order to make the loved one feel more secure?

I think it would really help if the other person would keep communicating with you, asking what is wrong and why some things are happening a certain way. By staying in communicating, you are reassuring that you won`t just dissappear, which is a big fear for atleast me. Also it helps to give the person some time to get adjusted to the friendship being real. Especially in the beginning a lot of things can happen, in the sense of overreacting, freaking out or wanting to run out of the friendship, but it does get less with time. I feel I just need a lot more time to built up confidence in the other person, that he/she really is sincere towards me and sees me for who I really am. Not to mention that I`m accepted for who I am, even when that comes with crazy outbursts sometimes.

Third, does avoidance diminish with time or it gets worse?

Thank you.

Hmm, for me its not diminishing in general, but it can diminish around certain people, like I stated earlier. So good experiences definetly do help, but its called a personality disorder, cause it is genuinely part of your personality, that doesn`t change easily. Just think of some of your own personality factors you for example want to change. Its hard. Not to mention its often built on a huge amount of experience.

But as said, I used to live in my bedroom, now I can effectively work within a team on professional level. Personal relationships are still hard and relationships feel impossible. But I do function in society, so things definetly can get better.

I hope you hang in there for your friend, because if you saw something you feel drawn to in that relationship, you truly did find a valuable person. Don`t let the typical avoidant personality traits fool you, beneath it lies that friend you like, who is just like anyone else. When that connection gets set in stone, you will find out that this person can be as trustworthy and foundational as anyone else.

For example, when it comes to my sister, I can trust her blindly. I never doubt her and she never has to tell me she is for real or anything like that. So it can be like that, it just takes some time. I`m glad you took the effort to find out more about this, it shows to me you are really serious about this. Good for you. I hope it all works out well.

 

[jaim38]

Is this person aware that he/she has AVPD? If so, is he/she in denial? I think it helps to give the behavior a name so that the person becomes aware of it each time it occurs. Before I came across "SA" or "AVPD", I was pretty much lost in life. Didn't know what the h*ll was wrong with me or why people kept hating me. As a result, I even let some friendships go to waste because I became too anxious and avoidant. It was through self-diagnosis, awareness, and education that I started opening myself up to others.

 

[Hellhound]

Is this person aware that he/she has AVPD?

They're aware of their condition, but I don't know if they're comfortable labeling it. I suggested therapy not too long ago and they said they'll think about it.

@Naesala, thanks for the reply. I think it all makes sense

But just so you know, guys... I have a degree of problems too. I can get insecure and shut in. Not THAT badly, but it happens. Is this bad? This friend knows about my condition and doesn't seem to have a problem with it, as they always make emphasis in the fact that they like me the way I am. I'm a tad bit insecure at this moment, actually :sad:

 

[Naesala]

No, I don`t think its bad at all. Ofcourse it can definetly make it harder for the friendship to work, because both sides might have days where they do something to unwillingly or unknowingly sabotage the friendship.

But on the other hand, isn`t it much easier to communicate to your friend if he/she also has experienced such days?

Currently I`m in a somewhat friendship with a classmate and she also has her own issues. I kept screwing up, she is further in her rehabilitation in that area, but she could understand it out of her own background and stood by me in the end, even though she did state clear boundaries and stated as well what my behaviour did to her. I realize now she did this to mirror my behaviour back to me, so I know what my feelings do to others. I always have a tendency to decide for the other person, without consulting him/her what I do to him/her. I always interpretate that my absence hurts a person much less then me being around them. She makes me understand by showing her emotional side that this isn`t reality but my own low selfesteem and confidence playing tricks on me. slowly I can be a better friend for her and the balance is much more in proportion now.

The best part is we can relate to eachother now. She always could do that to me, but she learned me to do that to her as well, by being open and honest. I do believe when your both sensitive to emotional fluctuation, the importance of good communication grows quite steeply. So don`t forget to talk to eachother. In the end I ask you to think about it:

When you feel like this and your looking for hope, ackowledgment or comfort, who would you have as your company?
A friend who has experience in what you went through or a friend who can only understand to a certain level based on what he/she spotted in observing you?

A lot of emotions are shared, even when you battle with different problems. So entrust eachother with your heart and stand stronger together then alone.

 

[Lilly789]

"why would someone unleash their AvPD around a loved one?"

Wow... you say that like its their choice. Its really not a choice - we cant chose which situations we are AvPD and which we are not.

"Second, how should the other person proceed in order to make the loved one feel more secure?"

In my experience there's not really a way to do that, other than being supportive and NOT critical. In saying that, doing those things doesnt mean the person will not push you away, or be shy etc anyway.

"Third, does avoidance diminish with time or it gets worse?"

Mine got a little better for a few years, and then got worse. Its different for everyone. Does it get better the longer I know someone? No.