I can't even remember when I first had SP. My childhood was pretty unstable, tho. When I was really young (about 5 or 6), we lived in public housing (in the suburbs, so it wasnt too too bad), adopted father was a big pot head and used to beat the hell out of my mom, and they'd fight all the time. I, of course took that mentallity to school (stabbed a kid in the head with a pencil once because he was teasing me for studying during recess, he wouldnt quit so I kinda freaked out). I think the switch from being ultra-aggressive to the scared SP ridden person was after two years at a baptist school. They pretty much scared the bully out of me!
Of course, we moved again, then my mom couldn't afford that school for me anymore, so I went from that ultra-strict environment into a school that mainly consisted of students from "troubled" areas, and got the hell beaten out of me on a regular basis (I was not prepared for the environment change, the baptist school really softened my demeanor!), and when I finally got to make friends, of course, we $#%ing moved again (mother divorced the sob step-dad at least, which made me happy!).
Then my mom married another sob who had an A-Hole of a son living with him. His son had a worse life than me, tho (that story would be another long posting, which Ill spare you all of that), and right at the time I was interested in girls, I had this jerkoff spreading rumors about me and basically making my life a living hell (went way beyond the normal big brother tormenting, he was jealous of me because I at least had a fairly normal mom). This step-dad was an alcoholic with rock bottom self-esteem, which made the scene even worse. As my mom (or mum as our British friends would put it
), moved up in her job, she made enough to move us into an more upscale suburb. At that point my jag-off of a step-brother was gone but then I had to deal with spoiled-rotten classmates while wearing discount store clothing (that wasn't trendy then, either, btw), and a low-self esteem. Of course no girls were interested in me then, and I didn't feel worthy to even ask them out. Of course, by high-school, I turned to the "druggie clique" because they were the only ones I felt I could fit in with. From there on, I spent most of the next 12 years of my life in a pot and alcohol induced haze (but always managed to hold down a job of some sort to pay for my vices), hangin out with the guys. Some of the guys in our group could get woman, but it was pretty much a wiener-fest (meaning not much woman around).
I think hanging out with those guys prevented me from bettering myself (I had no idea who I was and what my problem was) and pretty much cemented my SP. Now, I'm 32, and still deal with the anxiety. I think most of us have to remember that it's not our fault that we are the way we are (with SP), and not to feel ashamed of ourselves (doing that only makes us worse). Just have to keep bettering ourselves to the point of conquering this (and not letting it conquer us!)
Sorry for the long post, I just had to get it off my chest. But to make a long story short, many things caused me to be the way I am now, some in my control (staying with the druggy gang), some out of my control. Guess this is just another story on how one becomes "part of our club".
Thanks for reading this far!