why do you have social phobia?

[miraculousmum]

i once read in a book that
"it has been suggested that those who are repeadtedly stressed as young children can end up with overdeveloped stress responses"

does anyone attribute their social phobia to the environment they were brought up in? Being put down, being taught to be scared of people???

or do you think that genetically you are prone to have developed it anyway.

or is it a lack of social skills, that it you knew how to be articulate and interesting and communicate effectively the social phobia would just disappear?

 

[paul]

Honestly it's a mystery to me why I have it. I have (for the most part) a good family, pretty normal like most people.
I wasn't taunted or put down by anybody, at all really, and I was quite a socialite until last year or so.
I don't have a family history of SA; although my grandma had some depression.
And finally, I don't really have a lack of social or communication skills, sure I do not consider myself the most charasmatic person but I do not consider myself to have to skills. :| Strange.

 

[miraculousmum]

hello Paul,

did something happen last year that changed things for you?

 

[paul]

No not really -- around fourth grade, I starting feeling anxious when somebody was mad at me and I had a very hard time being assertive or standing up for myself -- in seventh grade (last year) I switched schools and this escalated; I don't really know why.

 

[shep]

After reading many posts on here, the teen years seem to mark the onset of our symptoms and it was then that mine started as well. Like Paul, I had little problem in grade school but something happened in high school. I suppose that puberty and the chemical changes going on has a lot to do with this. Unlike Paul though, I had an older brother who tended to put me down often, but I don't know if that made any difference. I sense that there is a "chemical imbalance" which occurs at some point in our lives and most seem to happen in the teen years if this what it is. In my case, it was relatively mild at first and worsened over the years. What complicates matters is the effect these symptoms have on friends and family and when problems develop, it becomes alarming to us and we become more sensitive, nervous and self conscious of our behavior which makes matters worse. Many of us have few if any friends and some of us become distant from family members over the years as we often avoid family get togethers, weddings, that sort of thing.

 

[Lost_Nomad]

I had it all my life, but i would say it got worse in middle school and then high school in my last year. I dont beleive that SA is something genetic though, i think its just some experience when we're realy young. I mean we dont remember how we learned to talk and walk, probably we had some experience that was not so good that left us with some fear. if it is genetic we're doomed because you cant just get over it , and there is no way they can cure it, it gets past on to our kids and so forth. plus i can tell that the more i get experience the less fear i have, its just so hard to deal with the jackasses out there.

 

[4myself]

I defineteley blame my upbringing for my sp, 100%.

 

[FaymeLevy]

Hmmm....I don't know. I didn't really have much of a childhood, cuz I was an only child in a single parent who works home. But I don't really think that had anything to do with it. I think I got it because I was already sensitive, and then in middle school was made to believe that I wasnt worth the time of day and was only annoying and disgusting the people I went to school with. That would do it, yes?

 

[4myself]

That would do it, yes?

hmm, yep I would say that would do it. It is one of the worst feelings when people make you feel as though you are disgusting.

 

[FaymeLevy]

Yeah, i was the biggest girl in school, and on top of that, I am bisexual and everyone knew it, so in the midwest in the mid-90's..that was reason enough to ridicule you. oh well.

 

[4myself]

man, how crappy is that? Damn homophobes!. :x

 

[4myself]

Did you move to a new town or did they grow brains when they graduated?

 

[LeapFrog]

For me, it's hard to pinpoint exactly why I have SP, but I've been thinking of a few 'theories':

1) My family, specifically my siblings, are constantly belittling me. Like when I say something, they will find some way to debunk whatever I say, or if they can't, they will find some other way to make me look like an ass. It's very frustrating, because when I have a "courageous moment", and decide to give my two-cents-worth, I just get even more socially phobic. I can't ever truly express myself without being paranoid of how they will rip-apart whatever I say.

2) I was bullied in my younger years of elementary school, specifically grades 4 - 8. This may be what has caused me to have SP. And then neglected and ignored from 9 - 12 (Probably caused by my SP).

Those are the only theories I can think of ATM.

 

[dave1976]

is anyone there

 

[ShyBeliever]

Well, I can say that my parent´s education wasn´t the best because they never relied on me for anything. I have an older brother on which my parents have the most confidence and he is having now a successful life because he completed his college course and is now working in a great job and is near marriage. Well, I love my brother and he is the kindest person I know but his perfection frustrate me in some way (I feel bad saying this because I seem a bad person talking like this but it´s the truth). This comparison with my brother makes me feel I was a victim of injustice in terms of education and puts me with the terrible feeling that I was born by accident.

However, I still believe that the strongest reason for my phobia comes from myself and its overcoming is an issue I have to deal on my own and not by tranfering guilty to others.

 

[magda74]

Definately grew up in a stressful environment. I didn't develop good coping skills. I used to stuff things aside, put on a brave face and pretend nothing was wrong. Got away with that for years. Not anymore tho.

 

[JJenny]

I have a multitude of reasons but I'll give you a few........ my mother though sweet and kind enough and very much loved by all has a big inferiority complex. My father is a very strong balanced male with many achievements and he was often absent away working, and I often feel my mother married a man in the image of her own father who was successful, and comfortable in their own skin and provided well both money and love. My mother was like a little girl, bringing up me another little girl and she protected me from hurt and also as we are both sensitive types I took on a lot of her behaviours, and protections and subsequently learnt not to hurt her knowing she didn't have the coping mechanisms. Until school I expect I led a very insular life, protected and safe. It is then that others in our world, teachers, authority figures have different expectations on us and I soon started to think I wasn't good enough to survive, so I built the shell around me and projected the things I thought others wanted from me and hid the fearful child still wondering what the heck this whole world really is about. Now, I am in the process of unravelling those parts of me that do not serve me well, and it's hard work but no one else is gonna be able to do it, or take responsibility for it but me. I struggle with inferiority issues daily and it is the crux of the social phobia for me I feel, and I want to live authentically and not rely on living a life in denial and settling for less, nor do I want to life inauthentically in a state of falseness in this world. This path is hard graft but I have to find my authentic self and not settle for anything less, even if it takes my entire lifetime.

 

[DazedNConfused]

I can't even remember when I first had SP. My childhood was pretty unstable, tho. When I was really young (about 5 or 6), we lived in public housing (in the suburbs, so it wasnt too too bad), adopted father was a big pot head and used to beat the hell out of my mom, and they'd fight all the time. I, of course took that mentallity to school (stabbed a kid in the head with a pencil once because he was teasing me for studying during recess, he wouldnt quit so I kinda freaked out). I think the switch from being ultra-aggressive to the scared SP ridden person was after two years at a baptist school. They pretty much scared the bully out of me!

Of course, we moved again, then my mom couldn't afford that school for me anymore, so I went from that ultra-strict environment into a school that mainly consisted of students from "troubled" areas, and got the hell beaten out of me on a regular basis (I was not prepared for the environment change, the baptist school really softened my demeanor!), and when I finally got to make friends, of course, we $#%ing moved again (mother divorced the sob step-dad at least, which made me happy!).

Then my mom married another sob who had an A-Hole of a son living with him. His son had a worse life than me, tho (that story would be another long posting, which Ill spare you all of that), and right at the time I was interested in girls, I had this jerkoff spreading rumors about me and basically making my life a living hell (went way beyond the normal big brother tormenting, he was jealous of me because I at least had a fairly normal mom). This step-dad was an alcoholic with rock bottom self-esteem, which made the scene even worse. As my mom (or mum as our British friends would put it ), moved up in her job, she made enough to move us into an more upscale suburb. At that point my jag-off of a step-brother was gone but then I had to deal with spoiled-rotten classmates while wearing discount store clothing (that wasn't trendy then, either, btw), and a low-self esteem. Of course no girls were interested in me then, and I didn't feel worthy to even ask them out. Of course, by high-school, I turned to the "druggie clique" because they were the only ones I felt I could fit in with. From there on, I spent most of the next 12 years of my life in a pot and alcohol induced haze (but always managed to hold down a job of some sort to pay for my vices), hangin out with the guys. Some of the guys in our group could get woman, but it was pretty much a wiener-fest (meaning not much woman around).

I think hanging out with those guys prevented me from bettering myself (I had no idea who I was and what my problem was) and pretty much cemented my SP. Now, I'm 32, and still deal with the anxiety. I think most of us have to remember that it's not our fault that we are the way we are (with SP), and not to feel ashamed of ourselves (doing that only makes us worse). Just have to keep bettering ourselves to the point of conquering this (and not letting it conquer us!)

Sorry for the long post, I just had to get it off my chest. But to make a long story short, many things caused me to be the way I am now, some in my control (staying with the druggy gang), some out of my control. Guess this is just another story on how one becomes "part of our club".

Thanks for reading this far!

 

[black_mamba]

Why do I have SP?

No reason. Or maybe that should read: No excuses.

 

[Angie_05]

I'm not sure where my anxiety came from. My professor says babies are very sensitive to their mother's feelings. So if a mother is tense the baby will sense that something is wrong. I told my mom that...and she admitted that probably happened to me, because her and my dad were divorcing when I was a baby. I think it started there then got worse as I had to deal with so many changes throughout my life due to the divorce. I never had a place a felt totally comfortable in.