WHY do I become so uncomfortable? :(

[LovelyAmor]

(Ugh):

-I'm 19
-I have SA (SP) and APD
-I've been through a lot of traumatic s**t in my life (mentally and emotionally abused by my mom, tormented all throughout school)
-I didn't receive proper emotional development growing up
-I had to see a psychiatrist and a therapist in the 10th grade
-I had to take anti-depressants
-My grandmother (best friend) and grandfather just randomly up and died a year apart from each other (2 years ago) - seems like yesterday
-My house was repossessed
-My mom is very sick now and stays in CALI with my aunt
-I am stuck here alone in college, not close to any other family members, suffering every single day with SP

The main problem I have right now is with me being uncomfortable in my dorm room. I wanted a single room but I had to stay in a hotel for a while because NO rooms were left and I had to take what became available.

I'm a sophomore and my roommate is a freshman. She is a lot nicer than my roommate last year but I feel intimidated. She has a cool personality but she drinks, smokes (weed and cigarettes), and parties almost until 4am every night. She does not bring any mess into the room though.

I have a hard time communicating with her. I don't say anything unless she says something to me. I feel that she is annoyed with me. Whenever she brings her friends in the room I get SO uncomfortable and leave the room as soon as they enter. I cannot take it. I just get uncomfortable when she is in the room. I feel better just alone. She brought a guy friend in there one time. I started trembling while I was trying to type my work up. I couldn't take it. I got my books and walked all the way over to the library in the cold so I could finish my work. This frustrates me because I should be able to stay in my own room! Half of the room is mine but I feel so uncomfortable when anyone is in there and I just have to leave.

I bothers me so badly. I don't want to spend the rest of the year in the library! She has brought many people to the room and I haven't brought a single person. Most of the friends she brings are her high school buddies. I feel like she thinks that I have no life. She asked me before: "Do you go out? I just said "Sometimes or not all the time".

It brings me to tears because I can't even stay in the half of the room that I paid for and I get so shook up. I know it would be unfair for me to tell her that she can only bring people over at a certain time because she has HALF of the room. I feel like she thinks that I am unfriendly sometimes OR she my think that I am just shy/introverted/loner and just accepts that. I really don't what to say to her. I'm afraid to tell her about my SA because she might get weirded out or something and not speak to me anymore (which has happened before). It's so frustrating. I don't want to be in the room with someone else and not feel comfortable around them, or them around me. I know she wants to get to know me better but I feel that she thinks that I am uninterested. I don't know...

I'm trying to be more social with people but something keeps holding me back. I just have this intense fear down in the pit of my stomach and it won't go away. I am tired of going to places alone and I see everyone else with at least 1 person. It bothers me a lot. I feel pathetic because I only have 2 more years left and I am still acting this way. I just don't know what to do.

I don't want to use how I was treated or what I have been through as an excuse because I am an adult now and I am in control of my own destiny. The truth really hurts. ::

 

[kihira]

Are you an introvert?
Marti Laney - Being an Introvert
If so, understanding what it means to be an introvert can give big clues as to feelings and behaviour

 

[LovelyAmor]

Are you an introvert?
Marti Laney - Being an Introvert
If so, understanding what it means to be an introvert can give big clues as to feelings and behaviour

No. My natural personality is extroverted (Libra).That's like one or 'the' most social sign. That is why I become so frustrated because I have all this social energy inside of me but my SA prevents it from coming out. I experience a lot of inner turmoil because of this. I know deep down that I am not an introvert.

 

[EscapeArtist]

That sounds like a really hard, and uncomfortable situation =[ I'm not caught up on the workings of dorms, or if it's possible to be reassigned? because i'm still in highschool. So I may sound stupid but is that a possibility? Sometimes people rent out rooms in their houses around universities/colleges, or in general, for pretty cheap. Have you looked into this idea? Heck, if worse comes to worst you could even buy or rent a camper or motorhome! (maybe that's something only I would do.. I'm not sure) Like you, I can't be myself when there is somebody in my house, I can't work either, I understand that, and it's really hard.
So it sounds apparent that you and this girl are not going to be good future friends lol, there is not much to lose if you sit her down and explain social anxiety, the situation you are in, and the problem you are having, and then ask if she can have people over until a certain time or party at somebody else's dorm. Even if she does something extreme, like call you stupid and say no, if she becomes of aware of your social anxiety she might begin to see the symptoms of your suffering when she has people over and gradually begin to try. Who knows! But you don't seem to have much to lose with her, because she seems.... hard to live with as is.

By the way, you are really pretty! x)

 

[alanj]

I am really sorry to hear you are going through this. This is classic SA behaviour though and you are not alone in experiencing such feelings. I am not familiar with staying in dorms, but if she is entitled to have people over to stay in her half, then that's the way it is. Are there rules concerning having people over too late or too much? If so, then you could just gently tell her you need to get some work done etc. She sounds decent enough, you could have someone worse.

So it probably just comes down to you and SA. I would just advise going easy on yourself and just see this SA as something you will work through bit by bit. If it means you have to keep going to the library to get your work done, then just do that for now, and let your room be your place to sleep and relax when your work is done.

 

[Lea]

That sucks, if I was in your place I would look for another room where I could be on my own, even if it was more expensive. The other option is to stay, if you don't have the money or if you decide to be brave and cope with it. I used to have this all the time at school, I couldn't stand the presence of certain people and if they were sitting near, I couldn't concentrate etc., the suffering is hard to describe. I was even considering suicide several times because of it.. I don't think this is going to get better just by trying to cope with it, I don't know.. I don't know where the solution is. You can either escape or try to get used to it, neither of them will work . (Or maybe it will for you, wouldn't for me). Sorry for being negative again.

 

[honeydippedxo]

Maybe you could try getting comfortable with your roommate. even though its hard to talk to others period! when you have SA, i find its better to be the initiator in conversation. It gives you more control. Even if its just small talk "good morning. sleep good?" "how was class today? my day was (fill in blank)." even if shes not friend material for you, she is your roommate, no one wants to live with a stranger. i would suggest you do your work some place else when she has guests over, even without SA its nearly impossible to get work done while people are being noisey. try joining a club or something in school too, get to know people with simular interests. dont keep running away from people even tho its scary. the longer you run the harder it will be to over come. dont go off and move to be all alone either, well i wouldnt want you to anyway lol. SA will eat you alive in isolation. Sorry about your grandparents and your mom sweetie, itll be okay in time, just try not to focus on it, itll only keep you down.

 

[Horatio]

Sorry to hear things are rough

You and i have a bit in common, I'm a Libra as well and also feel like an extrovert that is held back by the anxiety. After 8 years of living in shared accommodation I recently rented my own place and am loving it.

It sounds like in the short term you need to ease up on the guilt. Guilt is the hidden oppressor when it comes to anxiety. You shouldn't have to feel guilty for not going out, or for not wanting to be in a crowded room.

Things will improve in the long term and you will find yourself more comfortable in situations that you don't enjoy now but until then you need to ease up on yourself.

 

[Acegame]

I totally understand why you are feeling uncomfortable. I would be too in your situation. But avoiding is the worst think you can do, because that makes things worse. Eventually even smaller things will make you anxious because you get "out of practise" in many other (smaller) social situations and that's not what you want. When i went to college i lived at my own and i started isolating myself. I closed my eyes for my problems. Although it makes you feel better in the short term, it's not good for the long term.

If you are not in therapy yet i suggest you should and start working on getting over it. Don't close your eyes for it like i did. The longer you wait the harder it gets to get over SA. Don't have the expectation therapy will solve your problems immediatly, but at least you start understanding what social anxiety means and that there is nothing wrong with you. You slowly start accepting it and thats very important in the process (this always sounded stupid to me, but i found that there is truth in it)

Have you ever heard of EMDR? This is a therapy used with people who have had traumatic experiences. It's known to be very effective. I never had it because my SA isn't caused by traumatic situations. But i think you should google it and see if you think its something that might help you. I heard many good things about it.

 

[LovelyAmor]

That sounds like a really hard, and uncomfortable situation =[ I'm not caught up on the workings of dorms, or if it's possible to be reassigned? because i'm still in highschool. So I may sound stupid but is that a possibility? Sometimes people rent out rooms in their houses around universities/colleges, or in general, for pretty cheap. Have you looked into this idea? Heck, if worse comes to worst you could even buy or rent a camper or motorhome! (maybe that's something only I would do.. I'm not sure) Like you, I can't be myself when there is somebody in my house, I can't work either, I understand that, and it's really hard.
So it sounds apparent that you and this girl are not going to be good future friends lol, there is not much to lose if you sit her down and explain social anxiety, the situation you are in, and the problem you are having, and then ask if she can have people over until a certain time or party at somebody else's dorm. Even if she does something extreme, like call you stupid and say no, if she becomes of aware of your social anxiety she might begin to see the symptoms of your suffering when she has people over and gradually begin to try. Who knows! But you don't seem to have much to lose with her, because she seems.... hard to live with as is.

By the way, you are really pretty! x)

Because I had to stay in a hotel before I moved on campus, they sent me a letter and gave me chance to move. It was more expensive and my financial aid did not cover it. I took out a loan but they did not give me enough to pay for it.

I've thought about explaining my situation to her but I feel like things will just become worse from there. I told my summer roommate that I had SA and she did not show any compassion or anything. She ignored me for the rest of the session and just acted like she really didn't give a d**n. So I am afraid to tell anyone else that I have this. What if she thinks it's unfair that she can't have people over at a certain time?

Some people are very heartless and cruel. I can't just expect people to be sympathetic with me just because I have this disorder. That is why I am trying to overcome it. She is not that mean of a person and tried to get to know me in the beginning but I just really didn't talk that much. I could tell that it bothered her. When I told her that I might be moving she seemed upset. So I don't think she is that much of a bitch.

I will think about doing this and thanks for replying!

And thank you! A lot of people tell me I don't look like a person with SA..whatever that means lol..

 

[LovelyAmor]

I am really sorry to hear you are going through this. This is classic SA behaviour though and you are not alone in experiencing such feelings. I am not familiar with staying in dorms, but if she is entitled to have people over to stay in her half, then that's the way it is. Are there rules concerning having people over too late or too much? If so, then you could just gently tell her you need to get some work done etc. She sounds decent enough, you could have someone worse.

So it probably just comes down to you and SA. I would just advise going easy on yourself and just see this SA as something you will work through bit by bit. If it means you have to keep going to the library to get your work done, then just do that for now, and let your room be your place to sleep and relax when your work is done.

I agree that she is entitled to that. That is why I don't really think that I should tell her that she can't have people over at certain times. People are not allowed to be there past 12am but she never really brings people over that late. I know it is something that I need to work through and slowly overcome. I am doing CBT right now and it seems to be helping (somewhat). I decided that I am just going to do it in the library. It's very frustrating that I cannot do my work in my own room, but regardless it needs to get done. So I will take that advice.

Thanks for replying!

 

[LovelyAmor]

That sucks, if I was in your place I would look for another room where I could be on my own, even if it was more expensive. The other option is to stay, if you don't have the money or if you decide to be brave and cope with it. I used to have this all the time at school, I couldn't stand the presence of certain people and if they were sitting near, I couldn't concentrate etc., the suffering is hard to describe. I was even considering suicide several times because of it.. I don't think this is going to get better just by trying to cope with it, I don't know.. I don't know where the solution is. You can either escape or try to get used to it, neither of them will work . (Or maybe it will for you, wouldn't for me). Sorry for being negative again.

Well, there were plenty single rooms that were available...It's just that the loan that was given to me just didn't not cover it. I have to cope with it. Yes, it's very painful. I really don't know what to do either..that's why I posted this lol. I'm very afraid to tell her about my SA because I don't know how she will react. I used to be negative like that a lot, but I still have hope. I really want this to end. I feel like I am just wasting my life being afraid. I am doing CBT right now and it is helping, but I still have moments.

Thanks for replying!

 

[LovelyAmor]

Maybe you could try getting comfortable with your roommate. even though its hard to talk to others period! when you have SA, i find its better to be the initiator in conversation. It gives you more control. Even if its just small talk "good morning. sleep good?" "how was class today? my day was (fill in blank)." even if shes not friend material for you, she is your roommate, no one wants to live with a stranger. i would suggest you do your work some place else when she has guests over, even without SA its nearly impossible to get work done while people are being noisey. try joining a club or something in school too, get to know people with simular interests. dont keep running away from people even tho its scary. the longer you run the harder it will be to over come. dont go off and move to be all alone either, well i wouldnt want you to anyway lol. SA will eat you alive in isolation. Sorry about your grandparents and your mom sweetie, itll be okay in time, just try not to focus on it, itll only keep you down.

I agree with you. We have small talk often actually. But we haven't had like any long conversations or really know each other that well. I feel like she thinks i'm not that friendly? But other times I feel that she just think i'm a bit shy, accepts it, and is still nice to me.

I really need to get my grades up and I just cannot afford to not do my work. I will stick with doing my work at the library. I have joined a club. That was a big step for me. I went to the first two meetings but I missed the last 2. I am really trying to but myself out there and volunteer more. Please believe me when I say that I really am trying.

I know that I cannot keep running away and that is what is so difficult. I cannot move into another room anyway because my loan didn't cover the charges. She seemed concerned when I told her I might be moving, like she wanted me to stay. She is not that bad of a person.

I'm only trying to focus on the positive tight now. It's hard but I have to. I am doing CBT and it is working, but I still have my down moments. Also, I read a thread that you made and I saw that you received a negative reaction from a lot of people. I agreed with everything that you said and I feel that sometimes people do not want to hear the truth because it hurts. I know I am the only one holding me back and I don't want to continue doing it for the rest of my life.

Thanks for replying!

 

[LovelyAmor]

Sorry to hear things are rough

You and i have a bit in common, I'm a Libra as well and also feel like an extrovert that is held back by the anxiety. After 8 years of living in shared accommodation I recently rented my own place and am loving it.

It sounds like in the short term you need to ease up on the guilt. Guilt is the hidden oppressor when it comes to anxiety. You shouldn't have to feel guilty for not going out, or for not wanting to be in a crowded room.

Things will improve in the long term and you will find yourself more comfortable in situations that you don't enjoy now but until then you need to ease up on yourself.

Libra IS the most social sign of the zodiac and look at us lol! I don't understand that. I think you are right. I feel guilty about all the things that I am not doing, instead of praising myself for the positive steps that I have made. I'll try to do that.

Thanks for replying!

 

[LovelyAmor]

I totally understand why you are feeling uncomfortable. I would be too in your situation. But avoiding is the worst think you can do, because that makes things worse. Eventually even smaller things will make you anxious because you get "out of practise" in many other (smaller) social situations and that's not what you want. When i went to college i lived at my own and i started isolating myself. I closed my eyes for my problems. Although it makes you feel better in the short term, it's not good for the long term.

If you are not in therapy yet i suggest you should and start working on getting over it. Don't close your eyes for it like i did. The longer you wait the harder it gets to get over SA. Don't have the expectation therapy will solve your problems immediatly, but at least you start understanding what social anxiety means and that there is nothing wrong with you. You slowly start accepting it and thats very important in the process (this always sounded stupid to me, but i found that there is truth in it)

Have you ever heard of EMDR? This is a therapy used with people who have had traumatic experiences. It's known to be very effective. I never had it because my SA isn't caused by traumatic situations. But i think you should google it and see if you think its something that might help you. I heard many good things about it.

I find myself avoiding a lot of things and I feel very bad about it. I feel that this is the time in my life where I need to start facing my fears. It's very scary but I feel that it is the only way that I will get better and overcome.

I isolate myself sometimes but I'm trying not to do that anymore. I feel so lonely and that i'm not making any progress by doing this. Getting close to others is very difficult for me and frightening. I just don't want to put my trust into someone and being emotionally destroyed in the end.

I have been doing CBT and I feel that it is working. I have to learn to practice it every day and stay consistent though, because that is the only way that it will work. Ok I will google that and see if it can help me. I feel that people that have SA from traumatic experiences have it worse for them. I feel that the other's that just have a 'chemical imbalance' don't have to deal with the fear or reliving those experiences.

I believe that the more that you accept that it's there and that you have a problem, the easier it will be to overcome.

Thanks for replying!

 

[LovelyAmor]

umm hello? ::

 

[mismeek]

you know you could talk to disabilities or even the dean if its a problem.. most schools are really understanding and will try to accommodate you

 

[Smurfette]

kudos to all of u in school with SA. That's what kept me out of school so ur doing great!

 

[LovelyAmor]

you know you could talk to disabilities or even the dean if its a problem.. most schools are really understanding and will try to accommodate you

I received an "F" for a class that I just couldn't go to. I only failed because I missed too many days. I have medicine that was prescribed to me by the psychiatrist on campus. I received this over the summer so I hope it's not too late to ask if it can be removed. Hopefully they will understand. I'm trying to go to law school and I think my chances will be slim getting in if I have an F on my transcript. -_-'

Thanks for replying!

 

[LovelyAmor]

kudos to all of u in school with SA. That's what kept me out of school so ur doing great!

Thank you! It's really difficult though..especially keeping up with my grades..but im glad I got the chance to attend. I hope things get better for you some day!

Thanks for replying!