why certain type of people is quiet and can't open up(exclude shyness and S.A)

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otaman20

Member
I've been quiet for as a long as I remember myself(I'm 20).I din't really care about it before because I had best friends who accepted me for who I am.However,after I left my friends and moved to another country I realized that my social skills need to be improved.I started reading literature about social skills and search internet which of course helped to some extent and I think I'm on a right path but i still found myself lacking conversational topics and fail to open up when my turn to talk comes.It is important to me because it prevents me from meaningful friendships.Thus,I have tons of acquaintances but zero friends.


I think problem is with processing information in our brains and with the way we think.For example,I have always less to say than talkative person even If I went through the same experiences with that person.Whether it's movie,trips,parties,college classes,teachers I always have limited thoughts,thus my conversation is rather dull.
I believe that it can be changed and we can improve our abilities to talk,we just need learn to think the way talkative people do.However,I currently don't know how talkative people process information which is why I'm asking you for help.

Thanks in advance,guys
 
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Daz

Well-known member
Welcome to the site by the way. :)

I can totally relate to what your saying.. "I always have limited thoughts,thus my conversation is rather dull".

I can't even think up a proper reply to this thread so I'll sit on the sidelines for now. It doesn't help that I've just woken up!
 
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Feathers

Well-known member
Hi & welcome!

Well, I think it's better to be quiet than to be over-talkative. :)
(And I can be both.)

If you moved from your country to another country the expectations of the other culture can be different too.. Something that was perhaps valued in your old country may not seem so important in the new country... (Or vice versa.)

Also, in some countries it can be easier to find acquaintances rather than real friends (I was told the USA is one of such countries, probably also depending where you come and who you interact with).

To a 'newcomer' some people may also be a bit biased against, also depending where you come from, or they may think you might go away soon/someday and may not be so eager to establish deep/strong friendships - again depending where you are etc. So you need to show them you're an okay person despite coming from another end of the world, that friendships are important to you and that you can be friends even if/when you return, convince them you're not too exotic or strange and are fun to be around..
Sometimes it can be easier to make friends in a different culture, sometimes it may require more effort..

I agree you can learn a lot of this, yeah!!

You can extend your vocabulary by reading books and watching films/series, ideally in the new target language.. Also reading newspapers and magazines or online sites, watching the news, to see what are the current/important topics..

It also helps if you find people interested in similar things as you are, then you have much more to talk about and it's interesting to both/all of you.

Maybe you also experience things 'deeper' and in a non-verbal manner (eg visual/kinaesthetic) and it may take a while to process things... and 'translate' them to language.. Have you tried journalling yet? This can help too..

I think some 'very talkative' people don't really process and just say anything that comes to their mind straight out, without thinking first. (Which may sometimes be a bad thing!!)

It also depends on energy level, how you feel and enthusiasm, how talkative you might be, so you might also work on that! :) Good luck!
 
madmike

madmike

Well-known member
I've spent some time amongst very talkative people, mainly thanks to a year abroad, and i agree with what you say about them processing things differently. Like you say, they often seem to have more to say than you, even when it's about a shared experience. I've found myself in a situation where one friend tells another about a shared experience (in which i was involved) and it almost seems alien to me because i don't remember that exact detail, or remember it slightly differently.

In my opinion, this is to do with the fact that they are more 'in the moment' than i could ever be, and therefore much more emotionally involved in everything. They'll usually remember things that made them laugh, or things that made them happy, or sometimes even the complete opposite (anger, frustration). I'm never this emotionally involved with anything though, partly because of SA (which keeps you in a constant state of anxiety and therefore prevents you from feeling anything else), but maybe also because i'm naturally like that (i don't remember ever being very emotional, even in my childhood when i didn't really have SA).

So i think the answer is to try to live in the moment more and to beat your social anxiety so that you can reconnect with your emotions. It's a vicious circle, i know, you're trying to improve your conversation skills to become more social and defeat anxiety, but to truly improve your conversation skills you need to shed your anxiety. But i think trying to actively change the way our brain processes information would be madness, wouldn't that rob you of your individuality as well?
 
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