Why can't I change?

[cobalt_bluester]

I really want to change and become a relatively carefree, confident and better off person but this has always eluded me and I know it always will - nobody can tell me different.

I don't want people to have an opinion of me as I am sure it is bound to be a negative one, because my face is so depressed and I am exactly that. People having opinion of me feels like an intrusion of privacy, when all I want to do is not be judged in a negative way. I find people can be so, so selfish and they don't seem to care about the sheer pain of what I am going through. I wish people wouldn't just sit on the fence and act indifferently and lend a helping hand - can they not tell that I could really use a friend and that I am feeling desperately isolated. It's like an eternal night time and I cannot turn on the lights.

 

[dottie]

totally relate. i don't even necessarily want a helping hand so much as understanding, respect, and validation.

 

[GloomySunday]

I'm a little confused as to what to say.

Your post opens with a really positive statement, ("I really want to change...") but then it's followed up with a completely closed statement suggesting the total opposite ("...always eluded me, and I know it always will - nobody can tell me different").

I hear you when you say that you need a friend and that you wish you didn't feel so isolated. A lot of people here can relate to that. But, if you feel that life will never be any different for you, what use will a friend be to you anyway...or you to them?

I remember this guy who used to drink down my local pub many years ago who was always alone. I'll never forget this...the very first thing he talked to me about was that he once tried to kill himself. It was quite an intense subject for an opening conversation! Then he told me that everyone he met either took advantage of him or made fun of him and how he just felt depressed all the time. To be honest, I felt really uncomfortable in his presence. I was happy to spend some time with him initially and to give him a chance, but after a while I used to dread him coming over to me. The reason was because he was so incredibly negative about everything. In the end I used to avoid him completely. The sad thing is, it was clear that he needed a friend and that would have no doubt really helped his situation. However, he was so unrelentingly negative that it completely put me off.

I'm not suggesting that you're as bad as that, but the wording used does suggest that making positive change is something of a closed book. That nothing will ever change.

It's perfectly fine to talk about your pain and unhappiness, but it's also good to balance it out with more open statements and to invite discussion or ideas to help you change things for the better. It would give out the message to people that you're still open to positive contributions and their suggestions. Otherwise, what's the point of responding?

Is that what you'd like on this thread?

 

[kayelle]

I hope you can get past your total negativity towards people. You don't want to be judged by other people, and yet you're labelling them all as selfish. I know I did this too, getting angry at people for not understanding. But now I can see this is silly. How could someone without SA or depression understand what it feels like? It's quite an irrational disorder, and really the only people who can understand it are those who experience it. I hope that you can talk on the forum and get out some of your frustrations, and hopefully understand that people can be great, you just need to talk to them and tell them how you're feeling.

I wish people wouldn't just sit on the fence and act indifferently and lend a helping hand - can they not tell that I could really use a friend and that I am feeling desperately isolated.

NO. ASK for help. No-one can help you if they don't know what you need. They probably have no idea what you want from them.

I hope you find some sort of solution. Remember that you and only you have the power to change, to reconsider your opinions of people and open up to them.
Best wishes!

 

[nephatitus]

i did

but i became two different people

im trying to keep the psychotic one away, he was created during my last term of depression. I feel fine now but i dont know for how long until the next wave is