why are friends so hard

[Scooter]

my SA is so bad atm that I cant rely on my own judgements. I just got rid of my only friend because I've been feeling judged by her. But now I'm wondering if she was really judging me or if I was just being paranoid.
She's been my best friend for nearly 3 years & she hasnt even checked in. Part of me thinks if she was really a friend she would check up on me, the other part of me is relieved not to have to pretend to be normal. She knows I have SA, but she doesnt 'get it'. Maybe I'm better off without other people.

 

[Ignace]

I would definitely keep that friend of yours, I bet she didn't mean to judge you. Just ask her what she thinks of you, is the only thing I can say.
But I understand your problem with your friends, my friends don't understand me neither. They think I'm just too lazy to go out But I think in some way that's better than knowing that I have SA. Good luck !

 

[Cherrie]

my SA is so bad atm that I cant rely on my own judgements. I just got rid of my only friend because I've been feeling judged by her. But now I'm wondering if she was really judging me or if I was just being paranoid.
She's been my best friend for nearly 3 years & she hasnt even checked in. Part of me thinks if she was really a friend she would check up on me, the other part of me is relieved not to have to pretend to be normal. She knows I have SA, but she doesnt 'get it'. Maybe I'm better off without other people.

I tend to agree that if your friends care, they'd check up on you.
My friend list has dwindled to absolute zero, not that it was anywhere near 2 in the first place! My last "friend" hasn't checked up on me much in the last 2 years, missed my birthday -twice, I had surgery the other day and she just said "wow, that's right". It got to the point with her that I couldn't stand listening to how much of a fun life she was having while mine was going down the tubes - and she didn't even really notice, or comment. She has judged me, not tried to understand why I am the way I am. It sux because she comes from a similar background to mine. Whether I like it or not, I'm better off without people. I just wish I wasn't. Hope both our situations change.

 

[Scooter]

mate, I'm with you. I bumped into this 'friend' at uni today & she blabbered on about her wonderful weekend swimming with friends. I just smile and nod these days

 

[El_Pajaro]

I had a situation like this...part of me thought that it was better to have whatever friends I had even if they didnt care about me or understand me because it was better to have them than to have no friends...but in the end it hurt too much to call somebody a friend who wasnt really a friend.

I think that true friends will love you and respect you even if they cant understand you.

 

[nicknamehere]

No one understands SA unless themselves has gone through it so don't let that aspect play with your mind. This exactly happened to me and I deeply regret it. Biggest mistake I've ever made. Try and make the effort to keep her.

 

[Hellhound]

If she doesn't get it, that doesn't mean you gotta ditch her. I'm sure she haven't judged you and she cares about you a lot. If I were you, I'd give her a chance.

 

[dooby-duck]

All I can say is I regret not keeping in touch with the friends I've had and letting them drift away.

 

[Rabo Karabekian]

It's a common thing for people with social phobia to be hypersensitive and feel like they're being judged when they're not. Though there's always the chance it's real, and if there's no way to fix your hypersensitivity the friendship would still be doomed anyway.

The fact that she hasn't checked in since you ditched her means she's being mature and polite and respecting your wishes no matter how much it hurts her. If you want her back, it's up to you to apologize for accusing her of judging you. If you don't want her back, then be glad she's not bothering you.

 

[Scooter]

Thankyou all for your advice. This person has been my best friend for 2 years, I've spoken to her every day over that time. But over the past few months she's been increasingly mean & judgmental towards me, then recently a friend of hers moved back here and she ditched me basically over night. She lied to me and about me in regards to her returning friend. Now I think maybe she was distancing herself over time cos she knew her other friend was coming back.
I am fully aware of my hypersensitivity and maybe another person would just bounce back. But in my moments of clarity I realise that friends dont treat each other in such ways. I seem to attract bullies, but even saying that, it's so hard to make friends that when I attach to someone I tend to hold on way past the good bits. Maybe it's my fault because even a bully is better than no friends, and they do take control so I can just smile and nod & have another beer. But now I'm alone again, I don't miss her in particular, but I miss having someone to talk to & hang out with.

 

[k123dave]

I'm really sorry to hear of your bad experiences, and I hope this 'friend' changes back to the was she was.
It's always going to be a tough call whether to let her go or not, but I don't think that anyone should ever allow someone to demoralise or hurt them, and continue being friends with them.
It's never your fault if they change and begin to hurt you and you know you never did anything to wrong them.
With me, whenever I know that they are lying, that is the time that I start to have second thoughts about the friendship, but depending on the circumstances they could be lying not to hurt you but simply because they are embarrassed or insecure about telling you the truth.

I think friends are so hard because if they weren't we wouldn't respect them as much.