Heading to my psych appt again this week after a bit of a break. I realise bpd can be quite difficult to treat and manage and at times (like currently) it feels kinda pointless. I feel set in my ways and while I know and understand my bpd, it doesn't actually make it any easier to deal with.
I'll talk to my psych, tell him how I feel like life is pointless for me and how I feel like opting out. He'll try to work on helping me. I appreciate his efforts, he's a good bloke and as far as I can tell he's good at his job.
But for all his efforts - and mine - I'll still feel like I'm broken, my emotions are distorted and frayed. All the things I've learnt about my own psyche have been good. I understand myself better.
And all the things I know I work on, need to keep putting in place and working on, it feels like it's all surface knowledge. Like when I do things right, I tell myself "there, that's how we do it, That'll help. This is how I manage it". But it doesn't make a real difference to things. It gets really disheartening. In fact it feels like I just learn how to act better to fit into society.
I cancelled my appt. I felt like I was just going there to hand over $240.. and I wasn't in the right frame of mind to be working on myself. So I've postponed it for a month. Maybe I'll be in a better place by then to be told I have to change myself to fit the world.
You sit around gettin' older
There's a joke here somewhere and it's on me
I'll shake this world off my shoulders
Come on, baby, this laugh's on me
Stay on the streets of this town
And they'll be carvin' you up alright
They say you gotta stay hungry
Hey baby, I'm just about starvin' tonight
I'm dyin' for some action
I'm sick of sittin' 'round here tryin' to write this book
I need a love reaction
Come on now, baby, gimme just one look