Heading to my psych appt again this week after a bit of a break. I realise bpd can be quite difficult to treat and manage and at times (like currently) it feels kinda pointless. I feel set in my ways and while I know and understand my bpd, it doesn't actually make it any easier to deal with.
I'll talk to my psych, tell him how I feel like life is pointless for me and how I feel like opting out. He'll try to work on helping me. I appreciate his efforts, he's a good bloke and as far as I can tell he's good at his job.
But for all his efforts - and mine - I'll still feel like I'm broken, my emotions are distorted and frayed. All the things I've learnt about my own psyche have been good. I understand myself better.
And all the things I know I work on, need to keep putting in place and working on, it feels like it's all surface knowledge. Like when I do things right, I tell myself "there, that's how we do it, That'll help. This is how I manage it". But it doesn't make a real difference to things. It gets really disheartening. In fact it feels like I just learn how to act better to fit into society.
I cancelled my appt. I felt like I was just going there to hand over $240.. and I wasn't in the right frame of mind to be working on myself. So I've postponed it for a month. Maybe I'll be in a better place by then to be told I have to change myself to fit the world.
As I lay here lying on my bed, sweet voices come into my head.
Oh what it is, I wanna know, please won't you tell me it's got to go.
There's a feeling that's inside me, telling me to get away.
But I'm so tired of living, I might as well end today.
I'm so despondent at the moment.. my mum has terminal cancer, not long to go. Most of my siblings and other relatives are fking hopeless and care only about themselves. So it falls to me to do what needs to be done. At least my mum feels secure in some sense, knowing I'm competent enough to look after things for her.
I can sympathize. This will also be me when it comes time for either of my parents. It's hard. Especially as a young adult with older parents. I'm always the go-to person when things happen with my mom. My dad can't be bothered to be away from work and my brother is too narcissistic half the time to care about anyone other than himself too. My mom's biological and step-siblings are also all too dumb for me to even remotely feel comfortable with any involvement. It's hard, it's heavy, but someone's gotta do it because if you don't, no one will.
I've had to have some really tough conversations with her. It's a hard thing talking to your mother about her impending death. Last week I had to ask her what she wanted to have done with her possessions. I think I dissociated emotionally when we were discussing these things. I mean, I was there, I was present. I needed to pay attention to what she was saying, it was important. But I almost felt like I was in a dream too. Perhaps my mind was protecting itself from the emotions because I needed to get things done.
It's funny ya know, when the time comes and your parents die you can almost feel the wheel of time turning.
It's hard to have these talks, but they are important, like you said. My parents have already had talks between both of them over what will happen to their property and possessions between my brother and I once they pass on. They never stated anything official, but I have an inkling they already made up a will. Surprising to me, since they can't seem to even talk to each other or agree on anything any other time in their lives. But my mother has had these talks with me a handful of times in the last year or so. I think with her health problems, and my dad in his senior years now (and hopefully close to actually retiring), they want to be prepared. But even despite these talks, I know the brunt of it will fall to my shoulders. I'm the "responsible" one after all.
But alas, I'm really sorry to hear what your mom's going through and what you also have to endure.
I can sympathize. This will also be me when it comes time for either of my parents. It's hard. Especially as a young adult with older parents. I'm always the go-to person when things happen with my mom. My dad can't be bothered to be away from work and my brother is too narcissistic half the time to care about anyone other than himself too. My mom's biological and step-siblings are also all too dumb for me to even remotely feel comfortable with any involvement. It's hard, it's heavy, but someone's gotta do it because if you don't, no one will.
It's hard to have these talks, but they are important, like you said. My parents have already had talks between both of them over what will happen to their property and possessions between my brother and I once they pass on. They never stated anything official, but I have an inkling they already made up a will. Surprising to me, since they can't seem to even talk to each other or agree on anything any other time in their lives. But my mother has had these talks with me a handful of times in the last year or so. I think with her health problems, and my dad in his senior years now (and hopefully close to actually retiring), they want to be prepared. But even despite these talks, I know the brunt of it will fall to my shoulders. I'm the "responsible" one after all.
But alas, I'm really sorry to hear what your mom's going through and what you also have to endure.
Thanks Phoenixx, I really appreciate your post. I don't have anyone around me I feel I can confide in, so your thoughts are very much welcome and appreciated.
Don't know how I'm supposed to exist.. I HAVE to conform to society but my very soul aches to do it's own thing. I simply feel like an actor. I step out the front door and it's actually like letting someone else take over while I watch..
Every 6 months or so, I get the urge to get wasted. I'm not really sure why, it's not like I crave it or want to self medicate. Funny thing is when I do get wasted (which hasn't happened for around a year) I feel that urge fade. Weird.
Having another go at therapy.. I can't do this on my own. "This" being life.
I feel like a shell, a ghost.. marking time. I find solace in knowing death is not death, but simply a return to what I was before, a part of the universe.
Maybe my atoms and elements will be recycled into something useful next time.
Having another go at therapy.. I can't do this on my own. "This" being life.
I feel like a shell, a ghost.. marking time. I find solace in knowing death is not death, but simply a return to what I was before, a part of the universe.
Maybe my atoms and elements will be recycled into something useful next time.
I feel similar to you. I feel I'm not being very useful since I'm waiting to get off my medications in order to try an adaptogen and nervine tonic and relaxant for my anxiety 🙁 but I felt pretty good today about getting up and cooking breakfast for my mom and I this morning: eggs with oregano, garlic powder, soy sauce, turmeric, curry powder and black pepper with tomato and garlic hummus on a multi-grain bread. If you have motivation which I currently lack because of one of my medications but which I still do the easier things, you can do things that make you more useful such as sweeping the floor, helping others, buying some stuff to cook or going out and enjoying yourself with eating and drinking. Hope this helps.
I feel similar to you. I feel I'm not being very useful since I'm waiting to get off my medications in order to try an adaptogen and nervine tonic and relaxant for my anxiety 🙁 but I felt pretty good today about getting up and cooking breakfast for my mom and I this morning: eggs with oregano, garlic powder, soy sauce, turmeric, curry powder and black pepper with tomato and garlic hummus on a multi-grain bread. If you have motivation which I currently lack because of one of my medications but which I still do the easier things, you can do things that make you more useful such as sweeping the floor, helping others, buying some stuff to cook or going out and enjoying yourself with eating and drinking. Hope this helps.
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