When chatting, do you struggle to talk about yourself

[Rainbowstar]

Hi everyone,
I am a modest and sometimes unconfident person. These are characteristics of my personality. One unhelpful habit I've developed since my childhood is when I chat with someone I struggle or feel uncomfortable talking about myself. I am uncomfortable because I don't have a high enough esteem and worry about what the other person is thinking about me if I say something which is uninteresting. As a consequence of this, in a conversation most of the time I am a listener and I chat with someone by continually asking the person questions about them. The conversation becomes completely one way. I have noticed that many people talk about themselves in a conversation, whereas I do completely the opposite. Have any of you had similar experiences? I am determined to change the unfair one sidedness of my conversations. I don't want to always play to role of listener anymore.

 

[Zarrix]

Yeah, if someone asks about what I did on the weekend, or about my hobbies, it is usually the most generalised answer possible, such as "nothing much" or "all sorts of things". Never specific. Don't want to give them ammo which they can use against me, if you know what I mean. Any chat regarding personality or hobbies is taboo in public, personally.

 

[FltRisk]

I have this too. I try not to say too much about my life because I really don't want anyone too close to me nor do I want them to start giving me 'advise' on how they think I should solve my problems.

For me, I think it's because I know they could never understand the depths or complexity of what I'm going through. And the simplistic advise of 'just face your fear and it will go away' is really insulting. Plus I usually end up saying shit like 'yea, maybe your right' When I know they're not.

 

[IWouldPreferNotTo]

Your post describes me to a 't'. When I'm talking to someone, and esp. when I'm on a date, I'm always asking questions and going off what the other person is saying. I rarely talking at length about myself. I need to learn to do this. By watching other socially adept people, they always always have things to talk about at length. Like the last girl I went out with, I noticed after a little while that she had tons of little stories and I was never telling any stories of my own. I guess this is what's called 'opening up'.

 

[bleach]

I'm ashamed of most things in my life so I try to avoid taking about them. Yes, it makes conversation difficult pretty frequently..

 

[Rainbowstar]

i agree. sadly, most people *really* dont care about people. people are inherently selfish? they love talking about themselves, what they did, what they didnt do, what they're going to do.

Thank you, for your replies.

Most people talk about themselves, not necessarily because they are selfish, but because it is easier to talk about oneself than to ask questions about someone else. I felt angry when I realised that people seemed to chat on and on about themselves without showing much interest to the listener. It can seem like selfish behaviour.

I'm determined to change this situation. I am not going to be dominated by others.

 

[Sacrament]

I have some trouble talking about myself when it comes to my accomplishments as a person because I've missed out on a lot of things. I don't really have trouble talking about who I am, my interests and so forth because I'm no different than anyone else.

Also, because I feel embarassed or ashamed talking about my (un)accomplishments, I got sick of not doing anything or expecting others to do things for me and decided to do something about it.

 

[recluse]

I think that by talking about myself i sound like a show-off. For example i used to workout a lot but i never told anyone incase they would think i was vain or something. It's the same with the stuff i buy, like a car i brought last year, i just didn't want people to know about it and then when they found out they were saying stuf like ''Why did'nt you tell us!'' and then i feel that i am being too secretive.

 

[miss_amy]

I don't like telling people things either. Like recluse said about the car for example, if I say I bought a car, then the next question is what car have you bought and then you get their opinion about your choice of car. Or if you say I have x, y, z qualifications then they have something higher or say why did you do that? When I tell people I've done modelling I get well aren't you too old/too short to model??? Or 'I don't like that picture' or it doesn't look like you does it.
I live in a thatched 400 year old cottage with a huge garden and paddock for my animals...which I love! people say why do you want to live there, its cold, loads of work, expensive to maintain, middle of nowhere etc. so I don't like people knowing where I live.

It gives more info for people to judge you on.

 

[Rainbowstar]

Thank you, Recluse and Miss Amy, for your replies.

I agree that it is difficult to talk about ourselves if we cannot think of something interesting to say. We fear that the listener may have a negative opinion of us and hence we become reluctant to talk about our lives. Some solutions I have thought of to solve this problem include
- Listening to competent conversationists talk about themseleves (I notice some people feed off what other people say e.g. person A says I travelled to Europe, person B would say I've been there too and so forth)
- Listen to radio hosts. They frequently talk about themselves.
- Practise talking about ourselves with a stranger whom we are unlikely to be friends (it doesn't really matter if we are boring).
- Practise expressing our opinions on a forum or online then in person.

I hope this helps. I will be implementing these solutions myself to balance my conversations.

 

[Zarrix]

I think we worry that we cannot connect with ANYONE except a very small minority. Thats what prevents the expression of personality or even talking all together.

 

[Rainbowstar]

Interesting viewpoints.

I have no problems talking about myself if I am chatting with a close friend or someone with whom I am unlikely to be friends with. I struggle to talk about myself if it is someone I would like to be friends with. I struggle because sometimes I fear that what I say about myself may ruin my chances of being friends with this person. Therefore, I take the safe option and let them do all the talking. Ironically, doing this reduces the chances of being friends with the person because the person doesn't get to know you as well. We have to take risks and see what happens.

 

[princess_haru]

When I tell people I've done modelling I get well aren't you too old/too short to model??? Or 'I don't like that picture' or it doesn't look like you does it.
I live in a thatched 400 year old cottage with a huge garden and paddock for my animals...which I love! people say why do you want to live there, its cold, loads of work, expensive to maintain, middle of nowhere etc. so I don't like people knowing where I live.

It gives more info for people to judge you on.

Ugh, yeah I hate when I have a photo of myself I actually like (for a change) and am proud of, and then get the "hey, it doesn't look like you!" response from someone :x I feel like they're saying that there's no way I could look that good in real life. Part of me thinks they're just being bitchy and jealous (not that I think I'm something special to be jealous of, but most women are ridiculously competitive!) and part of me thinks yeah... they're right... it was just a flattering angle and good light etc. Then I'm back to feeling ugly again *sigh*

Your house sounds amazing, by the way! I love old, creaky, remote houses, full of character, history and spiders hehe I live in an old cottage myself, but not with a huge garden unfortunately.

Rambling aside though, I feel the same way about sharing personal information; that it's just handing people ammunition to use against me. I'm probably too secretive though - I got a slap on the wrist at work the other day for not telling anyone it was my birthday. I just didn't want all the attention and embarrassment!

 

[sadday]

As I was reading these posts I couldn't help laughing out loud. Almost every word describes me completely, lol. I never talk about myself in conversations because:
1. I don't like people starring at me, don't want to be center of attention
2. Feel like people won't belive what I say is true anyway
3. Am afraid I will get made fun of
4. Don't want people to pity me and feel sorry for me

I mean the list goes on and on and on. My convos are always one sided. I absolutely hate when people ask me what my hobbies are. I always say "oh just different stuff" or "watch tv and play with my dog" I also hate when people ask me what I did over the weekend or what my plans are for a future weekend because I never do anything over the weekend except stay in the house and watch tv and play with my dog. That is basically my entire life. I feel like I have completely lost all of my social skills. I don't even know how to act when I am around people. I don't know where to look or how to hold my hands. I always look at the ground and put my hands in my pocket. ugh....horrible.

 

[princess_haru]

I don't even know how to act when I am around people. I don't know where to look or how to hold my hands. I always look at the ground and put my hands in my pocket. ugh....horrible.

Yeah, it really is horrible, that feeling of complete physical awkwardness! I'll put my hands in my pockets then take them out again cos I think it makes me look defensive... then I'll fiddle with my hair and twirl it round my fingers (nervous habit I have) but stop because I feel like I look childish... then I'll try to stand still, but end up feeling frozen and awkward :?

It gets worse though... if I'm near a tall person I feel stumpy and hobbit-like compared to their willowy elegance, but if I'm with a short person I feel gangly and clumsy next to their petite neatness. If I'm near a curvy woman I feel shapeless and bony, but if I'm near a really slim, toned woman I feel flabby and unfit. It's like I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin that whoever I'm near makes me unbearably self-conscious and critical.

Gaah, why can't we all just be floating disembodied spirits or something?! :lol: