What to do (just a little bit of advice needed, no big deal)

A

aj

Well-known member
I've been going to a small anxiety group and I've given one of them a lift home a couple of times because I live in the same town. Have somehow exchanged phone numbers just in case of any changes with the group, which is a miracle in itself... we don't chat or anything. Haven't talked enough to know if we have anything in common. She is older than me, I think, so I feel so small and childish because I've done nothing in my life despite now being in my early 30s. At the end of the last lift home I think she did ask when we might meet again, but not as a suggestion to meet up before then or anything.

I'd like to say I'm available in case she wants to meet up for a coffee if she needs someone to talk to. But I am not sure if I should... no funny business is intended, it's just me not having any idea how to form friendships. But I don't want to push things too far or appear strange. I am not sure I could even cope with it at all. SA is a big problem but at least this is someone who has the same kind of problem.

Any thoughts? The group does continue, so just leave it for now?
 
A

aj

Well-known member
Yes, just her, and I think she said it as, "and I'll see you...?" and I said, "at the next group meeting". I am fairly sure about it all but the anxiety I had at the time makes it hard to be 100% sure. The memory isn't as clear as it could be. But I seriously doubt anything was meant by it which is why I don't want to appear strange. But then how do you make friends with people you see for an hour each month... maybe you don't...

I'm sorry for the weird question
 
Miserum

Miserum

Well-known member
aj said:
Yes, just her, and I think she said it as, "and I'll see you...?" and I said, "at the next group meeting". I am fairly sure about it all but the anxiety I had at the time makes it hard to be 100% sure. The memory isn't as clear as it could be. But I seriously doubt anything was meant by it which is why I don't want to appear strange. But then how do you make friends with people you see for an hour each month... maybe you don't...

I'm sorry for the weird question
Click to expand...

Not weird at all :). I think her response is a bit ambiguous, but hopeful; I take "and I'll see you...?" as "and I'll see you next time?" which means she wants to see you at the meeting again. She doesn't want you to disappear. You have given her a ride a few times after all, which means she has at least some trust and liking for you. Women generally don't get into cars with guys they don't know, like, and trust.

In my personal opinion, I don't think she'd find it strange if you asked to hang out casually. She seems to like you, platonically at the very least. But what would you guys do?
 
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Ransfordrowe

Ransfordrowe

Well-known member
Well done for joining an anxiety group.If she is anxious then probably similar thoughts are going through her mind.She might have some of the same fears as you do.Being inexperienced does not mean you don't have alot to offer a person in a friendship.Some people just want a friend who is there and will listen to them and will be sympathetic There are different kinds of friendships.

Maybe you could ask indirect questions to find out if she wants to be friends with you away from the group.Find out if friendships is one of the things she joined the group for.Find out what she looks for in a friend to see if your compatible.Obviously she needs to be the kind of person you want to be friends with and vise versa.

Well done for putting yourself out there to meet new people.
 
A

aj

Well-known member
Thank you and I think you're probably right in everything you both said. It did feel nice to be asked and hopefully she does trust me a bit. Although I'm reluctant to dare to believe too much. Any questions will have to be over text, it it a pain trying to even begin to get to know people you rarely see. Especially as I can work with people for years and still never get to know them.

It may not lead to anything anyway because I was only going to offer myself as someone to talk to, that's probably enough for now. At least that way it's not too pushy. But I live in hope.
 
Sacrament

Sacrament

Well-known member
I think you should keep going to the group (after all, it helps you), and see/study the ways in which she interacts with you. If you notice that she's often more friendly towards you when compared to the rest of the group, try asking her if she'd like to meet up outside of the group, and tell her that one of your goals when joining the group was to make friends. Ask her "I like coffee. Do you like coffee?", to which she'll probably say yes, and then ask her if she'd be interested in the two of you having coffee at the same location, at the same time. Or ask her what kind of hobbies she has, and ask her if she'd like some company sometime.
 
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A

aj

Well-known member
I will hopefully keep going to the group :) I'll try to do what you said but I still have the same problem I always do, there isn't really much if any interaction and I just don't have the confidence to go out of my way to say hello. I only managed to offer the lift home last time over text and it was so unbelievably weird walking out to my car with another person. It was very hard to offer the time before as well. I wish I could do these things, but it's near impossible. And that makes me think I'm probably going to waste the other person's time, too. But I asked for the advice and it's not your fault. Thank you.
 
Sacrament

Sacrament

Well-known member
I think it's easier if you do things without any expectations. Say hello to her when you see her at the group, and just do the friendly 'how's it going?'. One of the things you could do, since both of you have anxiety in common, is to ask her how she copes, and what she does to get some relief. Ask her if she meditates, or if she takes walks at the park, or walks her dog, etc. It's relatively easy to find common ground with another person, it just takes that initial effort of starting an interaction. But if you don't do it, you'll end up regretting it. It gets easier the more you do it.
 
A

aj

Well-known member
I hope I can do that. I wish I could. I've tried in the past with other people and I just don't seem to have the ability, even when I know what I might be able to say... it just doesn't happen... I have less hope than I used to. I thought that meeting people with anxiety issues would help, but it doesn't seem to change much, sadly. It's not your problem though and all I can do is try again. I'll keep what you said in mind.
 
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