Hi guys! I am from Europe, And i am having a social anxiety crisis! Its not the first time, but still its hard like hell, I sometimes feel I would love to have a very serious physical disease just to justify this pain. I am so embarrassed to think this, anyone else ever had this kind of thoughts??
Well, I will tell you all my story:
I was born in 1987, I have siblings, but I was raised as an only chid.
As a kid I was very sociable and energetic, thats what my whole family says. But somehow I became shy some years later, but just shy, nothing like a phobia. I was a good student and a responsible person. In my early teens I became more sociable again. At that time my parents got divorced because my dad cheated on my mother and I was fine, never cried never felt sad. My mother had a rough time but she is strong and bold, she overcame it. At that time she spanked me some times acusing me from taking my father`s side, which was obviously not true, i was just living, not thinking about them and their fights. I always kept a relationship with both, but my mother mood swings and hard criticism always bothered me my whole life. but thats how she is.
Well, when I was 14 i went to a different school, i adapted very well (i always liked the change). My supposed dream was to become a doctor, and I studied hard to it, but unfortunately i couldnt get the grades I needed that year. One night, in the end of June I had an important test, and I was studying hard. I started having a serious panic attack and couldnt study anymore, my heart was racing and i started to cry a lot. So I didnt sleep the whole night and I was scared like hell. So in the morning I told it my mother, always a workaholic, busy, managing everything, she almost didnt listen and said: ok you`re sick and cant go, I go to school and talk to your teacher and its done. but you go to bed if you´re sick.
I knew I wasnt physically sick but I didnt know what it was. Thank god I didnt because I kept feeling normal until the following year, when I had the first test of that subject, I couldnt sleep with my negative thoughts. But i wouldnt miss it again, I took the test and I didnt die. So, 5 months of no sleep at all followed and i kept living. I overcame that, i started sleeping again and kept fighting. That year I was also in love with a classmate and He rejected me by the time i started having insomnia, I think that could also have been a problem.
But that was just insomnia. In the 12th grad i always had serious insomnia when I was close to an important event, namely tests and exams, and i accepted that as a normal thing in my life.
Real hell started one afternoon, in the end of 12th grade, when i was with a math tutor, and he told me to do a calculus, normal thing right? he was looking at me and i blocked so hard, everything wa sblank in my head, I had a panic attack, sweat, heart racing, blushed a lot. He and my colleague thought I had low BPressure and brought me a glass of water. Ok, that time I knew it wasnt low BP, I had eaten and had coffee 30min before. after that I went home very worried and thinking about it.
The next 2 months of classes, everytime I had to read out loud or to do someting in a presence of someone else my heart raced a lot. Well, but I could manage to pass my final exams, with good grades and the attacks disappeared in the summer.
End of August, I started having nightmares with failure and negative thoughts, when I was in my grandmas (my mother and grandma fighted a lot and that house and beeing with them was hell to me). In September I got in the faculty of pharmacy with 3 ex highschool colleagues and I was really feeling sdown and scared of everything and every social situation.
My problem was basically to speak in public or do things with my hands and calculus if someone was observing . But I liked social environments, ad could easily be with a lot of people, if I wasnt pressured to be noticed or evaluated. But it caused me a lot of depression because it limited me, however i kept pushing myself to experience that hard situations, to overcome the fear. I thought about giving up on faculty and also killing myself. But fortunately I was not stupid enough to doit.
My first public presentation was a disaster, but suddenly the next ones where getting better. I got a boyfriend, a guy that I met months before, and I passed all exams in that year and could do lab tasks in the presence of others, it was becoming easier. in the end of the first year I could say i was almost myself again, i also worked in a social environment with public interaction in the summer and felt good.
The following years I lived in a dream, the dream of healling I think. I didnt know if I liked my program, what i was studying, but I was certainly fascinated by how I could overcome that horrible times. I travelled, took courses, studied abroad, I was independent and free. Some phobias were still there, but i could live with that: I avoided to go to the GP because When someone measured my bp it was always high, because I got really nervous; I didnt think about medicine course again, because having to do a surgery would kill me with nerves, and some other situations.
This year, when I was about to finish, close to my final thesis presentation, I went to a job interviwe, that was fine. But I knew i wanted something different for myself, so i thought: I am going to refuse in order to wait for something better. So, they chose me and I refused one day later, because my head started have a lot of negative thoughts again, I felt bad and nervous about it. But really down and super nervous. And that was familiar to me, and I was scared: it started again. I could sleep, couldnt think i was exhausted and cied a lot. couldnt concentrate at all
So my final public presentaton was bad, i cuould manage to answer the final questions and i passed with a fine grade. tHAT was in January. I got really down and kept going to interviews, never been chosen again, except for one company that refused me and than chose me becaus the other people refused. I also enroled in a course at faculty just to push myself to socialize and do a public presentation in the end of June.
When they called me I accepted and my heart started racing again and I cried...what if i cant do it?? So i thought: I have to see a psichiatrist this time, I dont want it to be so hard as the last time.
I was given 4 different drugs to start, and when the antidepressant started to work, I left the rest.
In my first week i cried every single day and though alot about giving up.
He precribed me agomelatin as antidepressant, anyone on it? it helps mt to sleep nand doenst leave me sleepy during the day. Im crying more again this last days (im working for 2 mths nd taking it for 2 mnths)... I still have ocasional panic attacks at work, but ive been able to manage it .
This is a long story I know but I need to share it with someone. I told my boyfriend and my parents but its hard for them to understand something to ridiculous yet so incredibly depressing...
I am having a little obsessive thoughts lately, looking for simple jobs in the internet i could take that doesnt involve social interaction...I am getting crazy, really, i see it everyday, i think about going to the country and gardening, cleaning, i dont know. Im also very distracted and have to put alarms on my phone all the time. I find it hard to study anything and concentrate, i think iam in a very acute phase of my depression...
Well but its not all negativity, I have moments when I think I was brave enough to take the job, to enrol in the gym that is very therapeutic to me, and im still going on... Because I beliebve in something.
Please share your opinions. its a long story but im trying to share it so i can find a way to make to start feeling better...
Well, I will tell you all my story:
I was born in 1987, I have siblings, but I was raised as an only chid.
As a kid I was very sociable and energetic, thats what my whole family says. But somehow I became shy some years later, but just shy, nothing like a phobia. I was a good student and a responsible person. In my early teens I became more sociable again. At that time my parents got divorced because my dad cheated on my mother and I was fine, never cried never felt sad. My mother had a rough time but she is strong and bold, she overcame it. At that time she spanked me some times acusing me from taking my father`s side, which was obviously not true, i was just living, not thinking about them and their fights. I always kept a relationship with both, but my mother mood swings and hard criticism always bothered me my whole life. but thats how she is.
Well, when I was 14 i went to a different school, i adapted very well (i always liked the change). My supposed dream was to become a doctor, and I studied hard to it, but unfortunately i couldnt get the grades I needed that year. One night, in the end of June I had an important test, and I was studying hard. I started having a serious panic attack and couldnt study anymore, my heart was racing and i started to cry a lot. So I didnt sleep the whole night and I was scared like hell. So in the morning I told it my mother, always a workaholic, busy, managing everything, she almost didnt listen and said: ok you`re sick and cant go, I go to school and talk to your teacher and its done. but you go to bed if you´re sick.
I knew I wasnt physically sick but I didnt know what it was. Thank god I didnt because I kept feeling normal until the following year, when I had the first test of that subject, I couldnt sleep with my negative thoughts. But i wouldnt miss it again, I took the test and I didnt die. So, 5 months of no sleep at all followed and i kept living. I overcame that, i started sleeping again and kept fighting. That year I was also in love with a classmate and He rejected me by the time i started having insomnia, I think that could also have been a problem.
But that was just insomnia. In the 12th grad i always had serious insomnia when I was close to an important event, namely tests and exams, and i accepted that as a normal thing in my life.
Real hell started one afternoon, in the end of 12th grade, when i was with a math tutor, and he told me to do a calculus, normal thing right? he was looking at me and i blocked so hard, everything wa sblank in my head, I had a panic attack, sweat, heart racing, blushed a lot. He and my colleague thought I had low BPressure and brought me a glass of water. Ok, that time I knew it wasnt low BP, I had eaten and had coffee 30min before. after that I went home very worried and thinking about it.
The next 2 months of classes, everytime I had to read out loud or to do someting in a presence of someone else my heart raced a lot. Well, but I could manage to pass my final exams, with good grades and the attacks disappeared in the summer.
End of August, I started having nightmares with failure and negative thoughts, when I was in my grandmas (my mother and grandma fighted a lot and that house and beeing with them was hell to me). In September I got in the faculty of pharmacy with 3 ex highschool colleagues and I was really feeling sdown and scared of everything and every social situation.
My problem was basically to speak in public or do things with my hands and calculus if someone was observing . But I liked social environments, ad could easily be with a lot of people, if I wasnt pressured to be noticed or evaluated. But it caused me a lot of depression because it limited me, however i kept pushing myself to experience that hard situations, to overcome the fear. I thought about giving up on faculty and also killing myself. But fortunately I was not stupid enough to doit.
My first public presentation was a disaster, but suddenly the next ones where getting better. I got a boyfriend, a guy that I met months before, and I passed all exams in that year and could do lab tasks in the presence of others, it was becoming easier. in the end of the first year I could say i was almost myself again, i also worked in a social environment with public interaction in the summer and felt good.
The following years I lived in a dream, the dream of healling I think. I didnt know if I liked my program, what i was studying, but I was certainly fascinated by how I could overcome that horrible times. I travelled, took courses, studied abroad, I was independent and free. Some phobias were still there, but i could live with that: I avoided to go to the GP because When someone measured my bp it was always high, because I got really nervous; I didnt think about medicine course again, because having to do a surgery would kill me with nerves, and some other situations.
This year, when I was about to finish, close to my final thesis presentation, I went to a job interviwe, that was fine. But I knew i wanted something different for myself, so i thought: I am going to refuse in order to wait for something better. So, they chose me and I refused one day later, because my head started have a lot of negative thoughts again, I felt bad and nervous about it. But really down and super nervous. And that was familiar to me, and I was scared: it started again. I could sleep, couldnt think i was exhausted and cied a lot. couldnt concentrate at all
So my final public presentaton was bad, i cuould manage to answer the final questions and i passed with a fine grade. tHAT was in January. I got really down and kept going to interviews, never been chosen again, except for one company that refused me and than chose me becaus the other people refused. I also enroled in a course at faculty just to push myself to socialize and do a public presentation in the end of June.
When they called me I accepted and my heart started racing again and I cried...what if i cant do it?? So i thought: I have to see a psichiatrist this time, I dont want it to be so hard as the last time.
I was given 4 different drugs to start, and when the antidepressant started to work, I left the rest.
In my first week i cried every single day and though alot about giving up.
He precribed me agomelatin as antidepressant, anyone on it? it helps mt to sleep nand doenst leave me sleepy during the day. Im crying more again this last days (im working for 2 mths nd taking it for 2 mnths)... I still have ocasional panic attacks at work, but ive been able to manage it .
This is a long story I know but I need to share it with someone. I told my boyfriend and my parents but its hard for them to understand something to ridiculous yet so incredibly depressing...
I am having a little obsessive thoughts lately, looking for simple jobs in the internet i could take that doesnt involve social interaction...I am getting crazy, really, i see it everyday, i think about going to the country and gardening, cleaning, i dont know. Im also very distracted and have to put alarms on my phone all the time. I find it hard to study anything and concentrate, i think iam in a very acute phase of my depression...
Well but its not all negativity, I have moments when I think I was brave enough to take the job, to enrol in the gym that is very therapeutic to me, and im still going on... Because I beliebve in something.
Please share your opinions. its a long story but im trying to share it so i can find a way to make to start feeling better...
